3x05 - Killing Me Softly With His Height

Lily and Miley walk into the food court at the mall in the Christmas rush. They are both carrying shopping bags.

MILEY
Dad's going to love the new hairdryer I got him. Three temperatures, four speeds, and extra long cord for that hard to reach back hair.

LILY
Your Dad blow dries his back hair?

MILEY
(coldly) My mornings are not pretty. Oh and - did I mention it comes with a free comb? (gets comb from bag)

LILY
Cool. What are you getting Jackson?

MILEY
I was thinking a comb.

They look over and see Oliver sitting with another guy at the bench.

LILY

Hey, who's the hottie with Oliver ...

But Miley is already racing over.

MILEY
Dibs!

LILY
Wait! (catches up with Miley) That's not fair! You know the rules. No buzzing until I complete a question!

MILEY
Sorry honey. But when they're cute there are no rules.

Miley stars combing her hair.

LILY
Hey, now you can't give it to Jackson.

Miley blows on it and wipes it with her shirt.

MILEY
Sure I can!

She places it back in her bag as she and Lily walk over to Oliver and Connor.

MILEY
Hey! Oliver, how you doing? Get some Christmas shopping done?

OLIVER
You know, I actually got my Mom ---

MILEY
(interrupting) She'll love it. (to Connor) You are?

CONNOR
(referring to cheeseburger he is holding) Extremely happy I didn't order this with onions. I'm Connor.

MILEY
I'm Miley.

LILY
I'm Lily, but she buzzed in early.

OLIVER
Again?

LILY
Tell me about it.

MILEY
So, ar, who you shopping for? Your mom ... your dad ... your ... girlfriend?

CONNOR
No, I'm just grabbing a bite before work. I have a part time job here at the mall.

MILEY
(rapidly) Oh cool! But if you were shopping for your mom, your dad and your girlfriend and you already got your mom and dad something would you still be shopping?

CONNOR
It depends. Anything in this mall you might be interested in?

MILEY
I've got my eye on something.

LILY
Ar, excuse me, I'm just going to head over to bed barth and barth bags!

A cute chirpy girl walks over to them. She is somewhat nervous.

SOFIE
Hey guys!

LILY
Hey Sofie.

Oliver is covering his face.

SOFIE
(shy) Hey Oliver. Um, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go catch a movie tonight?

Oliver releases his face.

OLIVER
Ar, sorry Sofie, I'm going out of town. Tonight. Yeah, I'm doing some roady work for this cool
new band - ar ... (looks over at sign) Restrooms this way.

SOFIE
Oh, OK, well maybe next time?

OLIVER
Sure. Will do that. We'll go next time.

SOFIE
Bye!

She walks off.

LILY
(mocking) The restrooms this way? What's there opening act, the (sees sign) "place trays here"?

OLIVER
OK, Lily, I can't go out with her. I mean, she's cute, but did you see the size of her feet?

MILEY
You are turning her down because of one, little physical thing?

OLIVER
Little? Miley, Big Foot called her last week to borrow a pair of her slippers!

He puts up his hand to do a shake with Connor, but with no response from him.

OLIVER
Oh! (offended) Oh.

CONNOR
Dude, I'm with Miley on this one. That's cold.

MILEY
Yeah! And you're being totally shallow.

CONNOR
Besides, she was kind of cute.

Miley turns back to Connor in alarm.

MILEY
Cute, she wasn't cute! Did you see the size of her feet?

CONNOR
You know what, you're funny.

MILEY
(embarrassed, tuts) Yeah. That's what I was going for.

CONNOR
Hey, Miley, would you want to go to the holiday carnival with me tonight?

MILEY
I'd love to.

CONNOR
So I'll meet you there?

MILEY
Yeah... I will. (she walks over to Lily and Oliver,
who are now standing behind her) See! I'm going to the carnival with someone totally nice. (to Oliver) Something you would be doing if you weren't so judgmental!

LILY
Yeah face it Oliver, Miley's just the bigger person.

They turn around and see Connor, standing beside them, only they are looking down on him!
They are double his size.

CONNOR
Later guys.

Nodding, he walks off, sharing a hand shake with Oliver as he goes by.

MILEY
(as Connor is out of ear shot) Sweet Niblets! I got a date with a Sweet Niblet!

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY RAY CYRUS

***

They are standing in there same positions as before the opening credits, Connor has just left them.

OLIVER

Well, well, well.

MILEY

Don't!

Miley grabs up her bags and starts to walk off.

OLIVER

Now Miley, there's no reason to be 'short-tempered'.

LILY

Oliver. Cut it out! Sure she was surprised, but she's not gonna' (???)

Miley gives Lily a look.

LILY

What I'm saying is, she can rise above ... (Miley gives her another look) You try it, it's harder than you think!

MILEY

I was a little caught off guard.

They take a seat at a nearby table.

MILEY

See I, unlike you, can pass the difference in our ... various altitudes.

OLIVER

Various altitudes? Miley, come on, face it. You're as shallow as I am. The diffrence is, I admit it. (referring to girls walking past) For instance ... bad hairline ... to many freckles! (another girl passes, and Oliver likes what he sees) Oh, here we go, hey Baby, how you going?

GIRL

Back off, helmet hair.

She continues to walk on.

OLIVER

(Referring to his rejection) Shallow! ... and I respect that.

MILEY

Well I don't. Me and Connor are going to have a great time tonight because ...

LILY

(Interrupts) Good things come in small packages? (she laughs, Miley stares) OK, look, I'm sorry, it's a bad hobit ... (realizes mistake) habit! That one was an accident.

***
At the Stewart residence, Robby is examing a large Christmas tree on the porch.

ROBBY

Hmm ... got a little bit of a tilt there, buddy.

***

He soars some of the tree.

***
The tree is still tilted.

ROBBY

Oh.
***

He repeats his actions.

***
The tree is tilted still.

ROBBY

Oh, dang flab it!
***

He soars the bottom again.

***

This time it is standing straight, but is very tiny.

ROBBY

There. Straight as an arrow.

Jackson's voice can be heard coming towards him.

JACKSON

Dad, hey Dad!

Robby chucks the tree off the porch before Jackson can set eyes on it. As Jackson walks out, he instantly notices the ferns lying around.

JACKSON

Cut the tree to short again?

ROBBY

No! Don't be silly. Just soaring up some firewood, that's all.

Jackson folds his arms.

JACKSON

We don't have a fireplace.

ROBBY

(Defensivly) It's always the negative with you, isn't it!

They head inside towards the kitchen.

JACKSON

Well not today! Because I just got back from the college of my dreams! State University of Santa Barbara! Amazing beaches, beautiful babes and a party on every block.

ROBBY

How are the classes?

JACKSON

The what?

ROBBY

The classes. You did look into the classes, right?

JACKSON

Oh yeah ... lots of them. They all had big blackboards and other ... educational learning stuff.

They head over to the couch, Robby with a glass of water in his hands.

ROBBY

Jackson. Santa Barbara's a great school son, but it's not all that easy to get into.

JACKSON

I know, but I've got it all figured out. See, I may not have the greatest grades, but I only need one thing to get myself through the door.

ROBBY

Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility?

JACKSON

(Impersonating) Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility? No! A letter of reccommendation.

ROBBY

Son, I don't want to be the piece of mouldy cheese in your fridge of hope ... but, where are you going to find someone to write you that letter?

Jackson takes a seat on the couch next to his father and shows him a booklet.

JACKSON

Right there. Right next to where it says Major Contribution made by Influenential alikeness.

ROBBY

That looks just like ...

***

On the deck outside the Stewart household, Jackson is washing Mr. Dontzig's hair, who is relaxed in a chair with his eyes closed.

DONTZIG

Not bad, Stewart. But you're going to have to do a lot more than this if you want to get a letter of recommendation out of me.

JACKSON

... Yes Mr. Dontzig ... very good Mr. Dontzig ... whatever ... (stammers, struggling) you say ... Mr. Dontzig!

DONTZIG

Hey, what's going on back there? I've lost that gloving feeling! (laughs) 'Glovin feeling! Laugh at my jokes!

Jakson fakes a laugh.

JACKSON

Yes Mr. Dontzig, very funny Mr. Dontzig, as you wish Mr. Dontzig ...

Dontzig takes his foot out of the bath tub below the chair.

DONTZIG

Oh. Now the toenails are softened up nicely. Get the clippers!

Jackson turns away in fear, snorting.

***

At the carnival Connor and Miley are walking together. Connor is munching on fairy floss.

MILEY
So how do you know Oliver?

CONNOR
Oh, we met in little league.

MILEY
You have your own league? Oh, you mean Baseball … oh I get it now, it went right over my head … are you going to like, hog the whole thing?

She takes some fairy floss from him.

***

Miley is waiting to take a photo with her head slotted into a frame, but Connor cannot reach. The girls watching laugh.

***

Miley is throwing balls into a slot at a stall and she wins.

MILEY
Yes!

The woman behind the stall hands her a Hannah Montana bobble head. At the next stall Connor has won something and the person behind the counter throws the giant stuffed toy at him.

***

As Miley and Connor are walking along, a mother and a son approach them. Connor is trying to balance a stuffed rabbit which is twice Connor’s size.

MOTHER
(to Connor) Excuse me, my son’s afraid to ride on his own, and I’m to big to ride on the train, so would you mind riding with him?

CONNOR
Oh, sure, of course. Ah, one second. (turns to Miley) I’ll be right back.

MILEY
Alright …

Connor walks off leaving the stuffed rabbit with Miley.

MILEY
(as they are gone, to the stuffed rabbit) Did you have to be taller than him?

Lily and Oliver walk over and stand either side of Miley.

OLIVER
Hey, Miley. (he notices the rabbit) Hey Connor. Oh, my mistake.

LILY
Oliver, stop it.

MILEY
Yeah, go ahead. Have your fun. But Connor and I are having an awesome time.

Suddenly the train comes past them, filled with little kids, Connor in the middle.

CONNOR
Hey guys!

Lily gives Miley a look.

***

Later that night, Connor and Miley walk onto Miley’s front porch. Connor puts the stuffed rabbit next to a chair.

CONNOR
I had a really great time tonight.

MILEY
Thanks, so did I. And um, thanks so much for the drawing of us.

Miley shows a sketch which pictures a miniature Connor and large Miley.

MILEY
Are you sure you don’t want to keep it?

CONNOR
No, no. It’s for you. A little reminder of our first date.

MILEY
..Sure is. See you around.

CONNOR
Wait! Ar, before you go.

He closes his eyes and much to Miley’s fright, he reaches out to kiss her. Miley goes cross eyed trying to reach down to his small height.

MILEY
I'm sorry, this isn't working.

CONNOR
You’re right, you’re right. (he backs off)

MILEY
I’m really happy you understand.

Connor grabs a skateboard from the seat and steps up onto it.

CONNOR
Ah, that should do it. I’ll just jump on it real quick.

He stretches out, placing his hands on Miley’s shoulders and closes in for a kiss.

MILEY
… Yeah, no, still not working. I’m sorry Connor. (Connor opens his eyes and takes his hands off Miley) Hey, you have brown eyes, I never noticed. Yeah, this can’t happen, I’m just not ready … I’m sorry.

CONNOR
(hurt) You don’t want to kiss me because I’m short. (he steps off the skateboard)

MILEY
No! No! That’s … that’s not it at all. No, you see, I just haven’t done my lip exercises yet. You know, got to get them all warmed up, huh. (she does some movements with her lips and stretches) You won’t want to kiss that, look, see.

CONNOR
You know I thought you were different.

MILEY
I am different.

MILEY
No you’re not. Goodnight Miley.

Connor walks off.
Robby walks onto the porch.

ROBBY
Hey Mile.

Robby turns to the stuffed rabbit.

ROBBY
And you must be Connor! I’d have bought you something to eat, but obviously you’re stuffed.

Miley shakes her head in dismay at her father. Robby seems to be cracking.

ROBBY
(gesturing at the stuffed toy) Stuffed. That’s bunny funny.

Miley continues to shake her head.

***

The following morning, Lily and Miley are sitting at the bench at the Stewart’s. The Hannah Montana bobble head is on the table.

MILEY
It’s simple, Lily. I went out with him, realized there was no spark, and that was it. End of story.

LILY
Right. And you know, if it makes you feel any better, you can always set him up with bobble head Hannah. (waves the bobble head in Miley’s face and does a remix of True Friend)

Miley snatches the bobble head away.

MILEY
It is not because he is short. And I refuse to feel bad because I’m not attracted to him.

LILY
Because he was short.

MILEY
Noo, because he has brown eyes.

LILY
You love brown eyes.

MILEY
Not on short guys! (realizes what she has said) Did I just say that out loud?

Lily reaches for bobble head Hannah and nods it’s head.

***

Miley is having a ‘dream’ in her head that he is performing ‘Let’s Get Crazy’ as Hannah Montana to an audience with dancers … only she is as short as Connor.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1
I didn’t pay for Hannah Montana, I paid for the whole stage.

HANNAH
Hey! I may be small, but I have a big voice.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2
Not big enough!

HANNAH
Hey! You’re only being mean to me because I’m short. Don’t judge me. I’m a human being!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 3
Biggest teen pop sensation? Doesn’t look like it from here!

***

Back at the present.

MILEY
Wow, I really blew it with Connor. I’ve got to go clean up this mess.

As Miley steps away, we see that the bench is packed with dishes.

LILY
Ar, what about this mess?

MILEY
Nah, I’ll blame it on Jackson. That’s what brothers are for. (she chucks her toast crust on the bench)

***

Later that day, Jackson and Robby are in the Stewart kitchen folding Dontzig’s laundry.

JACKSON
I can’t believe we have to spend our weekend doing that man’s laundry.

ROBBY
Yeah, tell me about it. Last thing I want to do on this beautiful morning is fold that man’s delicates.

The two of them hold up Dontzig’s tiger stripped, oversized briefs.

JACKSON
And on what planet is this delicate?

ROBBY
I’ll never be able to watch another Tarzan movie again!

Dontzig himself walks in holding a letter and reading it aloud. He makes his way to where Robby and Jackson are standing.

DONTZIG
My dear friends on the admission board. Jackson Stewart is a most promising young student I’ve ever met. Blah, blah, blah … I’ve given you millions, let the half wit in.

JACKSON
Santa Barbara, here I come!

Jackson and Robby high five each other.

JACKSON
Thank-you, Dontzig. Thank-you, thank-you.

Jackson reaches for the letter, but Dontzing snatches it away before he can reach it.

DONTZING
Not so fast. There’s one little carveart.

JACKSON
Man, I thought I massaged your carvearts yesterday.

DONTZIG
Wow, you are dumb.

ROBBY
Oh come on Dontzig, he did everything you asked. Just give him the letter.

DONTZIG
Oh, I’ll be happy to Stewart .. just one last little favour. I have a sister.

ROBBY
I feel sorry for her.

DONTZIG
Ha. She happens to be a big Robby Ray fan.

ROBBY
I’m starting to feel sorry for me.

DONTZIG
Oh, quit your whining. One afternoon with sis and Malibu’s most unwanted gets to go to College.

JACKSON
Pleease Dad! I mean, who knows. Maybe she’s nice, and pretty… (Jackson turns and looks at Dontzig’s imparing face) Maybe she’s nice …

DONTZIG
(trying to sound attractive) She happens to be a total babe!

***

Robby and Jackson open the front door to reveal an old woman who looks just like Dontzig with a dress and a white wig on. Robby and Jackson give each other a frightened look.

JACKSON / ROBBY
Yaargh!

DONNA
Oh my gosh! It’s Robby Ray! I don’t believe it.

ROBBY
Oh come on Dontzig. You’re not fooling anybody with that wig.

Dontzig walks over and pushes open the second door.

DONTZIG
What wig!

JACKSON / ROBBY
Yarrgh!

***

Miley and Lily walk into the food court at the mall.

LILY
So where does he work?

MILEY
I don’t know. I’ll check this way, you check that way.

LILY
OK …

Suddenly the two of them hear Connor’s voice.

LILY
You don’t think …

MILEY
Nooo …

LILY
Then why aren’t you looking?

MILEY
Because I’m afraid to.

They look over and see Connor dressed as an elf in tights and make up, smiling away with a candy cane.

MILEY
He’s not making this easy, is he?

LILY
Hey, on the plus side, the pointy hat adds like three inches.

Miley walks over to the line of people waiting to have their photo taken with Santa, pushing her way through.

MILEY
Excuse me. Sorry, you guys. Excuse me! Connor, Connor, I need to talk to you.

CONNOR
(speaks in a kiddish voice) I’m sorry, I’m busy talking to good girls and boys.

MILEY
What’s with the voice?

CONNOR
Oh, that’s how elves talk. Yeah, I won’t crush kids dreams like you crushed mine!

MILEY
But Connor …

CONNOR
Arghp! Good-bye.

MILEY
Please Connor …

CONNOR
(shouts) Security!

MILEY
Alright, alright, keep your tights on, I’m going!

Miley walks over to meet Lily.

LILY
(sarcastically) That went well.

MILEY
It’s not over yet. I just gotta figure out a way to talk to him.

LILY
I cannot believe you’re gonna make me do this.

MILEY
Do what?

LILY
You’ll see.

Two people walk past dressed in a reindeer costume.

MILEY
That’s.… (she realizes) Am I getting that predictable?

LILY
Getting?

Lily drags her by the arm away.

***

Dontzig walks in to the Stewart household.

DONTZIG
Well come on Donna, it’s time to go. Like Mom used to say, always leave them wanting more.

JACKSON
Leaving so soon?

ROBBY
Ar, yeah, she’s gotta go.

DONNA
But I’ll be back again tomorrow. Can’t stay away from my soul mate forever.

Donna runs out screaming in excitement.

ROBBY
Her soul-what?

DONTZIG
Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. She always did have a thing for ‘losers’. But as long as you keep her happy, I’m happy. (to Jackson) and you, as you would say, get an ‘edu-macation’. (hands Jackson letter) Here you go. Happy matriculating. (Jackson stares) Look it up.

Dontzig walks out and Jackson closes the door after him.

ROBBY
Her soul what?

JACKSON
Don’t worry, Dad. No ‘edu-macation’’s worth that.

Jackson rips the letter in half, Robby embraces him in a hug.

ROBBY
Thank you, boy. Thank you.

***

At the mall, Miley and Lily walk back into the food court dressed in the reindeer costume. Lily is walking sightless at the back, Miley at the front.

LILY
Oh man, why can’t I be at the front?

MILEY
Because, when I’m apologizing, I don’t want to be talking out of my butt.

They walk through the line of kids.

GIRL
I want a ride on Rudolf!

MILEY
Sorry kids, no time, I got official ‘reindeer’ business. Excuse me, yep, yep … merry Christmas. Woops, sorry kids. Hey, Connor.

CONNOR
Miley, what are you doing here?

MILEY
I’m trying to apologize.

Lily sneezes.

MILEY
Bless you.

LILY
Thank you.

MILEY
Listen Connor, I had a great time …

PHOTOGRAPHER
Smile!

Connor and Miley smile at the camera.

LILY
Wait, I think I blinked.

MILEY
Doesn’t matter. Connor, I had a really great time with you and I was really hoping that maybe...

CONNOR
Yeah, yeah, we could still be friends. Look, I’ve heard it all before.

SANTA
Connor, ELF VOICE!

CONNOR
(speaks in childish voice) I’ve heard it all before!

Connor walks off.

MILEY
Connor, please wait.

Miley races off after him, the back falling from Lily’s head.

LILY
(to Santa) Hey. How you doing?

SANTA
What do you want for Christmas?

LILY
To be in the front for once!

Lily walks off.

***

Miley catches up to Connor, still dressed in her reindeer costume.

MILEY
Connor, please wait.

CONNOR
Look, no thanks. I have all the friends I need.

He walks off into the crowd again.

MILEY
Connor!

Miley follows him.

MILEY
Scuse me, Excuse me! Butless reindeer coming through. (she meets up with Connor) Listen Connor, I’m not asking to be your friend. I’m asking for a second chance.

CONNOR
What?

MILEY
I was stupid, judgmental and wrong. I’d really love to go out with you again.

CONNOR
Why? Because you feel sorry for me?

MILEY
Noo! Because you’re cute, funny, smart … and … I’m a total sucker for brown eyes.

CONNOR

I don’t know. I don’t usually date girls with antlers, so …

MILEY
And I don’t really go out with guys who wear tights, … but I’ll give it a shot if you will.

CONNOR
OK … it’s a deal.

MILEY
Cool. Um … can I just ask you for a favour?

CONNOR
Yeah, what?

Miley turns around.

MILEY
Scratch right there.

***

Robby is unwrapping Christmas decorations at the couch as the doorbell rings. Dontzig walks in.

DONTZIG
Well Stewart, you broke my sister’s heart. (Jackson walks in) But I’ll give you one more chance to get dumbo into College.

ROBBY
No way, no how. My son may not be brilliant, but he’s smart enough to get into College without your help.

JACKSON
(touched) You really believe that Dad?

ROBBY
Yes I do son.

JACKSON
Well I don’t. (turns to Dontzig) What do you need Farmer Fred to do?

DONTZIG
Turns out my cousin, is an even bigger Robby Ray fan.

ROBBY
I say good day, Dontzig! I say good day!

Robby walks Dontzig out of the house, slamming the door in his face.

Out on the porch, Dontzig turns to his cousin, a young attractive woman.

DONTZIG
Sorry Cous, it’s just not going to happen.

PRETTY GIRL
Why does this keep happening to me?

DONTZIG
Oh, let’s face it. What men want, you ain’t got.

PRETTY GIRL
It’s just not fair.

DONTZIG
I know, I know. Come on, I’ll get you an ice cream. Get a little meat on these bones.

***

It’s Christmas morning and the Stewarts, along with Oliver and Lily are unwrapping their Christmas presents from one another.

MILEY
Oh my gosh! Jackson, it’s beautiful! It’s my size, it’s my taste, it’s … mine. I bought this two weeks ago!

JACKSON
Do you like it?

MILEY
Well of course I do!

JACKSON
Then I believe the words you’re looking for are ‘thank-you’.

Lily unwraps her present.

LILY
Jackson! This is so cute. Where did you get it?

MILEY
The same place he got mine. A nice little boutique I like to call ‘Miley’s closet’. (Miley snatches the clothing from Lily)

LILY
Hey, I love that place! But I can never afford it. (Lily snatches it back)

OLIVER
I’m kind of afraid to open mine.

ROBBY
Come on, hold on everybody. Christmas ain’t about the gifts. It’s about family, friends. Celebrating all the little special moments that make up everyday life.

MILEY
That’s beautiful, Daddy. Merry Christmas.

She embraces Robby in a hug.

ROBBY
Merry Christmas darling.

Miley releases herself.

MILEY
You got us gift cards again, didn’t you?

ROBBY
In my defence, I’ll have you know that your mother always did the shopping. And I was a little bit busy setting up this fantastic tree.

They look over to the piano just in time to see the miniature Christmas tree fall off.

LILY
Oh-ow.

MILEY
Fantastic...