RADIO DJ (V/O)
We've got a special treat today, radio listeners. We're talking with international teen pop sensation, the glamorous Hannah Montana! So Hannah, where did we track you down? I'm guessing some place fabulous and exciting.
MILEY
Yeah, I mean...if you could only see me now. I'm actually argh...eating at a beautiful cafe in Italy...(accidently flips the spaghetti off the table)
RADIO DJ
Whoaw! Where in Italy?
MILEY
Um...in a great little town called...(Robby taps her on the head with a box)...urgh...sodium free. I mean...argh...(with Italian accent this time)...sodium free.
Jackson enters through the front door proudly carrying a bag.
JACKSON
(shouting) College man in the house!
Robby and Miley both signal at him to keep it down.
MILEY
(to Jackson) Hello! Can't you see I'm in the middle of trying to do an interview?
JACKSON
Hello! In the middle of not caring. (Robby joins him in the lounge room) I can't believe I was so down on going to Malibu Community College. It's going to be amazing!
ROBBY
That is a great attitude, son. (looking through bag) Now let's see those text books.
JACKSON
Right...about that. You know, MCC is about more than just books, dad. It's about broadening your horizons, in new places, with new people.
ROBBY
(puts on a hat from Jackson's bag) Right, well do all the new people wear hats with crab claws on 'em?
JACKSON
Just the ones with school spirit! (takes hat from Robby) We are the sand crabs, the mighty-fighting sand crabs!
MILEY
Sshh!
JACKSON
Big house. Many rooms. Go find one!
ROBBY
Big bag. No books. Where are they?
JACKSON
What, there was a crazy line for books. But I made an educated decision to spend my first day at College...more wisely.
ROBBY
Translation: the girl selling these (???) was cute and you decided to broaden your horizons with her.
JACKSON
Dad, please, she's got a name. (reads from paper) cashier number eight, eight, six, seven, five, three, o-nine. (sits down beside Miley and takes some bread)
MILEY
Hey, hey, get your crabby hands off of my garlic bread!
RADIO DJ (V/O)
Oh, trouble in sodium free!
MILEY
Oh, no, it's just my crabby brother and his...(inhales)...fungus filled feet.
JACKSON
Zip it brat, that's personal!
MILEY
Oh, yeah sure, now you whisper! (the two mock each other)
RADIO DJ (V/O)
Hey, who knew Hannah had a brother? How old is he, nine, ten?
MILEY
Oh, yeah, I wish he acted that mature.
JACKSON
Dad!
Jackson goes over to Robby and starts animatically inhaling and gesturing at Miley.
RADIO DJ (V/O)
Even pop star's have brothers they're embarrassed by.
MILEY
Tell me about it. You have not lived until you've seen him pick the lint out of his nazle, sniff it, and then put it back.
JACKSON
(takes phone) Oh, no, that's not true, I don't always put it back.
RADIO DJ (V/O)
(as Jackson and Miley fight for the phone) You hear that, girls? If you're looking for a lint sniffing, smelly feet goof, Hannah Montana's brother is your man!
ROBBY
(referees them) Hey, you back off, and you take back what you said about your brother.
MILEY
Fine...(takes phone)...listen, about my brother...
RADIO DJ (V/O)
(cuts her off) OK, that's about all we have time for today! Enjoy Italy, Hannah!
MILEY
Oh, I will, chow! (hangs up - on Jackson's stern look) ...Well, I tried.
JACKSON
Oh, thanks a lot. You just made me sound like a total loser on national radio!
MILEY
Oh, relax, nobody knows that Jackson Stewart is Hannah Montana's brother.
JACKSON
Except for the entire town of Crowley Corners! That's tons of girls who now think I'm a total loser.
MILEY
If they know you, they already know that you're a total loser. No harm, no foul.
JACKSON
Oh. Oh, there has been harm. And to be fair, there will be foul...play! From me, to you! You just messed with the wrong fighting sand crab, missy! We are the sand crabs, the mighty-fighting sand crabs! Ha!
By now he is at the stairs and turns away.
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY-RAY CYRUS
"HANNAH MONTANA"
***
Jackson throws some shrimp into the blender. He blends it, then gags as he smells it.
JACKSON
Argh, week old shrimp. Perfect! (approaching the sleeping Miley on the couch) ...argh, revenge is a dish best served stinky!
Robby runs in.
ROBBY
Jackson!
JACKSON
(hides container) Nothing, what week-old shrimp?
ROBBY
Hand it over, son.
JACKSON
But come on dad, you remember what she said about me. Can't I just...pour some in her pockets?
ROBBY
Jackson.
JACKSON
In her shoes?
ROBBY
Jackson!
JACKSON
...fine. (hands it to Robby)
Miley turns on her side and starts sucking her thumb.
ROBBY
Oh, would you look at that. You know she only sucks her thumb when she feels guilty about something.
JACKSON
That doesn't mean she feels guilty about me!
MILEY
(murmuring) Jackson...sorry...
JACKSON
That doesn't prove anything.
ROBBY
Look at that face! It's like...trying to stay mad at a kitten.
Miley's face starts going cute like a kitten.
JACKSON
Ohh....noo! No, no, no. That's not going to work on me this time. I'm just 'gonna look away. (turns side on) Look away.
MILEY
(waking up) Hmm...what's that smell?
JACKSON
(turns back) Revenge! And it would've been all over you if a certain shrimp-stealing-sister-saver hadn't stepped in and stopped me!
They all move into the kitchen.
MILEY
Jackson, look - this is really hard for me to say.
JACKSON
Harder than shrimp-stealing-sister saver? I doubt it!
ROBBY
(gradually faster) Shrimp-stealing-sister-saver, shrimp-stealing-sister-saver, shrimp-stealing...oh, sweet niblets, that is hard to say!
MILEY
Jackson, please.
JACKSON
(dramatic inhale) ...Go ahead.
MILEY
I shouldn't have said that stuff about you on the radio. I was just trying to be funny, and I'm sorry that I embarrassed you.
Jackson struggles to come out with the words. Robby mimes for Miley to start sucking her thumbs, and she does so innocently in front of Jackson.
JACKSON
OK, fine, I forgive you. (Miley goes to hug him) Argh, no, no, no, I have a condition. You know your Hannah friend Traci? She's throwing one of those pretty people parties tonight, and you have to take me with you.
MILEY
But you don't even like Traci.
JACKSON
True, but she throws great parties with free food, giving me cheap way to take out the girl of my dreams. (takes out the paper) Cashier number 88685309.
MILEY
Oh, oh...come on! Can't you just pour some shrimp in my hair and we'll call it even?
JACKSON
(pleading to Robby) Yes!
ROBBY
No!
JACKSON
(to Miley) Party.
MILEY
(to Robby) Oh, are you sure about the shrimp?
ROBBY
Yeah.
MILEY
Fine.
***
ROBBY
(on phone) Sorry mom, I can't really talk right now, I'm about to use that aerobic stepper you got me. Oh, heck yeah, I use it everyday. Oh, you wouldn't believe the things it's done for me. OK, I'll call you later. Bye bye. And here we go. Aha. (inhale) ...and one, and two, and three...and four...argh! There you are, you little double-fudge delight!
RICO
Heyo!
ROBBY
(caught by surprise) What cookies, where? Oh, Rico, what are you doing here?
RICO
Just hoping I could get an autograph on this vintage Robby Ray album, I happily overpaid for because...it's more than just music. It's a piece of American history.
ROBBY
Argh, that's a very pretty speech, son, but...argh, we both know you hate country music.
RICO
(playing hurt) What would make you say such a terrible thing?
ROBBY
Maybe because, argh...last week, you yelled out, "Hey Robby, I hate country music".
RICO
(southern accent) Oh, 'chucks, partner! Ya'll know I was just 'funnin' 'ya....alright, fine. I met this gorgeous beach babe, and she's perfect. Except for one tragic character flaw.
ROBBY
She likes country music, doesn't she.
RICO
(disgusted) Love's it! She even has a dog named Banjo.
ROBBY
Oh, I had a dog named Banjo!
RICO
(sarcastic) Surprise, surprise. The point is, I may have given her the impression that...I'm a pretty good line dancer.
ROBBY
How good?
RICO
World champion...
ROBBY
Whoa. Looks like you're in my trouble than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
RICO
You 'gotta help me. Please, I'm begging you ! Beg, beg, beg, beg, beg!!
ROBBY
It's OK, Rico, I'll do it - you don't have to embarrass yourself in front of me.
RICO
Really?
ROBBY
Oh, heck no. (cuts to Robby and Rico standing looking over the beach at Rico's Shack) ...you haver to embarrass yourself in front of the whole beach here. (pause) Come on now, let's hear it.
RICO
(southern accent; yells) 'Yee doggies, I sure do love that 'darn country music!
The crowds of people sat on the beach laugh.
***
Hannah and Lola are walking into the front tent of Traci's party - night.
LOLA
You know, Traci's parties are great, except for one thing.
HANNAH
Let me guess: Traci!
LOLA
Yeah - she's always there, why is that?
Lola and Hannah walk into the tent to find giant canvases of Traci hanging up. Lola flinches.
HANNAH
Yeah, good luck with that...
TRACI
(running over) Hannah !
HANNAH
Traci! (air kiss) Oh, this place looks incredible.
TRACI
Welcome to my day in the life of me party! Featuring all the important things I do to make "this" possible. Over there, we have facials, or what I like to call, "tracials". And on that side, "trassages". And of course, "traniclues" and "tranedcures".
LOLA
You know, after all this stuff you'd think you'd be less "tra-ugly"!
HANNAH
Lola! You know what, I happen to think it is a great idea, and I have ingrown "troe-nail" and a nasty "shrimple" I need "traken" care of!
TRACI
Hannah, it's a bit...let's not work it to death. (walks off; Jackson approaches)
JACKSON
Hannah, Hannah -- this is perfect! Not only did I just get my nose hairs trimmed, see --
HANNAH
Nice.
LOLA
Oh, no, I see a little boogie back there.
HANNAH
Oh, no, that's just his brain.
JACKSON
(fake laughter) Oh, you are adorable. Anyway, Mia...or as you might remember her, cashier number 88679309...she is totally loving me for bringing her to this party. I think she might be my first college girlfriend. Wave and smile! I'm getting a little nervous...(sniffs under his armpits) You think she'll notice?
HANNAH
Argh, you'll be fine, if she had a sense of smell she wouldn't go out with you in the first place.
JACKSON
Good point. (walks off)
LOLA
Whoaw, you know he's totally forgiven you for the whole radio thing.
HANNAH
Yeah, well, I apologized, and he knew I really meant it.
LOLA
Thumb sucking in your sleep again?
HANNAH
Can't wait to see it but apparently it's irresistible.
***
Traci and Hannah are lying next to each other having foot massages.
TRACI
Argh, these reflexation massages are the best. All your emotions are tied to the pressure points in your feet, you know.
HANNAH
Oh, come on Traci, you don't really believe that do you? (random laughing and crying from both Hannah and Traci as they are massaged; as a cute boy walks past-)
HANNAH / TRACI
I love you!
HANNAH
Sorry, that was my feet talking.
TRACI
Your feet? My feet are (???), (???), and ready to pounce. Meow! (runs away; Lola approaches)
HANNAH
Lola, you have got to try this, all your emotions are tied into your...(monkey noises) ...alright, what did you just hit there?
LOLA
Argh, yeah, looks like fun...but they just called my number for the spray tan. (as previous client walks past) Oh, good-bye pan and pasty, hello tan and tasty!
Hannah gets up from her seat as a party guy comes over with his phone.
PARTY GUY #1
Hey Hannah, I just heard thumb-thing interesting about you.
HANNAH
What are you talking about?
PARTY GUY #1
Check it out, you're all over the internet.
HANNAH
Insider says Hannah still sucks thumb? (changes to an artist's impression of Hannah in a pram sucking her thumb)
PARTY GUY #1
Whoaw, someone really had it in for you.
The guy sucks his thumb as he walks away, and others around her do so teasingly.
HANNAH
(squeezed-up face; darkly) JACKSON!!
***
HANNAH
Alright. Where is that stinky-pitted, back-stabbing, blabbermouth? (goes over to Mia, who is having a back massage) Yo, 8867 whatever! Where's Jackson?
MIA
Getting a facial.
HANNAH
Thanks.
MIA
Hey Hannah! (sucks her thumb)
HANNAH
Oh, that's funny. Ha, ha, ha... (to the massager) ...she says she wants it harder.
The massager hits on Mia's back harder and she starts to screech a little. Hannah walks over to the facial tent and walks in on Jackson, who's eyes are covered by cucumbers. She steps back outside.
HANNAH
(impersonation on Traci's voice) Um, Gina...it's time for your break.
Exit Gina.
JACKSON
Hello, Traci, not done here.
HANNAH
(impersonation on Traci's voice) Oh, don't worry. Helga will give you a facial you'll never forget.
Hannah marches into the tent and mutters some words in a German accent. She starts rubbing Jackson's cheeks.
***
HANNAH
(walks out of the facial tent) ...Sucker.
Jackson follows out from the tent, looking proud, with an unknown long piece of snot hanging from his nose. The people around start laughing at him.
JACKSON
What's funny? What's so funny? What! What!
Mia walks over to him and starts pointing.
MIA
Ewgh!
JACKSON
What? (notices snot) Oh, what the...no! Oh, no - this isn't mine. It's...my boogers aren't that sticky.
Lola runs in beside Hannah.
HANNAH
Look at that.
LOLA
See, I knew he had a boogie!
HANNAH
Oh, no, that's just a mixture of gum, cucumber, and a whole lot of wig stickum.
Jackson finally picks it off from under his nose and it flings accidently onto Mia's face.
HANNAH
Bonus, I did not see that coming!
MIA
(pulls snot off; flared) I will not date another freshman EVER! (runs out)
JACKSON
Wait! (runs out after her; Hannah follows)
LOLA
(to waiters) That, is embarrassing, just a little bit. (waiters hold up tray which reflects on Lola, who flinches when she sees her reflection)
Outside, Jackson is calling out after Mia
JACKSON
Mia, come back! (as she drives away) That's my car...
HANNAH
'Gotcha! (Lola comes out) Or, should I say snot'cha!
JACKSON
You did this? Why!
HANNAH
(inhales) Oh, please. Don't try to act innocent. You told someone about this- (sticks her thumb in her mouth) -and now it's all over the internet! (Lola turns away guiltily) You crossed the line!
JACKSON
No I didn't, I didn't tell anybody!
HANNAH
Oh, please, who would?
LOLA
(raises her hand guiltily) ...Oopsie. (Hannah looks angry; Jackson folds his arm) I was talking to Traci and some people and she said "I'm Hannah's best friend", and I was like, "Oh, I don't think so, I'm Hannah's best friend", and she was like, "you wish", and I was like, "you wish", and she was like, "I know best friend stuff about her", and I was like, "I know way better best friend stuff about her, like she still sucks her thumb", and I know it was wrong, but I was talking like this to...(???)...done, stop, sorry! (covers her mouth)
HANNAH
(turns guiltily to Jackson) ...Oopsie.
JACKSON
It's a little late for that. (walks off)
HANNAH
Jackson, please, wait!
JACKSON (V/O calling)
I don't want to hear it!
HANNAH
(calling) Jackson, come back!! (car engines sound) ...That's my car.
***
At the Stewart house - night. Robby turns on the music as he prepares to teach Rico how to dance to country music.
ROBBY
OK, partner, it's time to put a little scoot in your boot and a little glide in your stride. With a little thing we like to call the electric slide. Watch and learn. One, two, three, four...one, two, three, four...one, two, three...clap, one, two, three...clap, and one, and clap, and start again. Now, you do it.
RICO
That's it?
ROBBY
That's it.
RICO
I 'yee doggie'd the whole beach for this? (repeats the dance moves with his own flare of style) Ridiculously easy!
ROBBY
(turns off music) Yeah, and totally wrong. I mean, a good old boy ain't wanna' be doin' all this kind of stuff. You know what I'm saying? Your girl is looking for a championship line dancer, not a spin-cycle on a washing machine. Now do it one more time - and do don't the extra curricular. Just do it.
Rico starts off at a good pace, but he suddenly is unable to resist the modern urges.
RICO
Aargh! Argh! ...It's not you, I can't stop myself. My mind says whoa, but my hips say go. (Robby switches off music) Curse the (???)...my Latin veins!
ROBBY
Now chill out, (???). You've just 'gotta get in touch with the inner cowboy. I know just the thing to do it.
Rico looks stumped, but it soon cuts to out on the porch - Robby is cheering Rico on as "saddled" on the back of a post on the verandah wall.
ROBBY
Oh, yeah! Buckle up and ride! Yeah, ha!
RICO
Come on, Mr Stewart! I've been on this thing for three hours and I can't feel my "inner cowboy", or my inner thighs! .
ROBBY
Well hop on down and let's see what we've got.
RICO
(gets off) What I've got is a busted back and but blisters! (with pain he walks into the house)
ROBBY
(following behind) Perfect!
RICO
What do you mean, perfect?
ROBBY
Well look at you, you're finally walking like a real cowboy. Now let's see if you can dance like one.
Robby turns on the music and Rico surprisingly dances in the correct fashions.
ROBBY
Slide 'em cowboy, slide em!
***
Jackson is wiping down the counter at Rico's.
MILEY
Come on Jackson, I've been saying I'm sorry for the past sixteen hours! What more do you want me to do? (pause) OK, OK. I humiliated you, in front of a girl you like, and so argh...you want me to do the same thing. (points to a table) Alright, you see that really hot guy over there? He just transferred here, and all the girls are crazy about him, including me. I am about to create a very sad entry in my diary, and all for you! (walks over to table) Hey, Drew. Hey, guys.
DREW
Hey, Miley.
MILEY
Um, do you mind if I have a chilly fry?
DREW
Oh, you don't want these, they've been here since we sat down...but I can go get us...
MILEY
Oh no, don't worry about it! (stuffs them in her face) That is so good. Free, and I did not even mess up my nails!
DREW
Oh, that's gross!
MILEY
(with food in her mouth) Oh, what. You're afraid of someone who eats used food? Well, you know what, I am a cheap date, that is your loss! (continues to eat rudely)
DREW
Sorry, I 'gotta go.
MILEY
(food falls from her mouth; turns to Jackson) Are you happy now? Drew is never going to talk to me again, so we're even, right? (no response from Jackson) Alright, fine. You want me to humiliate myself in front of the entire beach? Fine, I'll do it. But you just remember, this is all for you!
Miley goes into the bathroom, and later on comes out flushing the toilet and waving away the air. She has toilet paper hanging from her skirt.
MILEY
Whoa! If that won't put a hole in the ozone layer, I don't know what will. (walks to counter) Ha? Ha? The chilly...you know, the ozone...forget it, you're impossible.
JACKSON
You just don't get it, do you.
MILEY
Get what?
JACKSON
Sure, I'm mad about what you did to me. But it's why you did it that really hurts.
MILEY
Come on Jackson, I made a little mistake.
JACKSON
It's not little. (jumps counter) Look, you're my sister, and we may fight...we may pull stuff on each other, but I would never drag that into the Hannah world. That is the line that I would never cross, and I can't believe you thought I would.
MILEY
Jackson, look...I'm sorry, I never should have thought you would.
JACKSON
(normally) OK, we're cool.
MILEY
(confused) We're cool? That's it?
JACKSON
Yeah. I just wanted you to know why you were apologizing.
MILEY
So I did all this humiliating stuff for nothing?
JACKSON
Well, I wouldn't say for nothing. It was enormously entertaining! Well done. (wipes chilly from her face with rag)
MILEY
(though smiles) You're a horrible brother.
JACKSON
And you, are a bratty sister. (they hug)
MILEY
Oh, my gosh. I've 'gotta go explain this to Drew so he doesn't think I'm a total dork.
JACKSON
(Miley has forgotten the toilet paper) Urgh, Miles...
MILEY
Ah-huh?
JACKSON
(with a cunning smile) Good luck.
MILEY
Thank you! (skips off)
***
Rico, in his cowboy outfit, is sitting at the counter at the shack.
RICO
Another root beer. This time, leave the can.
Robby walks onto the beach.
ROBBY
Rico, what are you doing here? I thought you'd be line dancing with your little filly right about now.
RICO
She stood me up.
ROBBY
Oh. I'm sorry to hear that buddy. We've all been there. Well, it's never happened to me, but I've seen it in the movies.
RICO
I just never got a chance to show her my moves.
ROBBY
Well, consider that her loss. Now, let's see if we can get you cheered up. (turns on country music) ...country style!
The two of them go in front of everyone on the beach and start to dance with the country music. Eventually, a young, cute girl who looks about Rico's age, takes Robby's place. Rico shines his hat.
RICO
Howdy, ma'am.
Eventually they all start to join in.
ROBBY
Cowboy love strikes again! (he runs across the front)
Hannah Montana is copyrighted material of the Walt Disney. No infringement is intended by the transcription of this episode.
