Monday, July 27, 2009

3x20 - I Honestly Love You (No, Not You)

Lola and Hannah are at the top of a mountain in the snow, skiing.

LOLA
This is so cool! First we get flown to a film festival, and now they shut down the whole mountain celebs and their peeps. Eeep, I love being a peep!

HANNAH
OK, new rule. No rhymes! Hey, here comes Ryan Scheckler.

LOLA
How do you know?

HANNAH
The helmet and googles cannot hide his powdy lips. Look at him!

LOLA
Nope, nope, sorry, now that I am with Oliver my heart only skips for one cutie's lips.

HANNAH
OK, now you rhymed and made me sick, all at the same time.

LOLA
Hey, you're just jealous 'cause I got the coolest guy on the mountain!

Mike comes hopping over.

MIKE
Hey, ski bunny! (he trips over and screams in a high-pitched tone) Argh! Argh! Snow in my pants!

HANNAH
Yep. He's a keeper.

MIKE
(as Lola helps him up) Let's go.

HANNAH
Are you OK, my fresh, frozen Ollie-Pop?

MIKE
I wouldn't say no to a little warm-up hug.

HANNAH
OK, I'm 'gonna go before I hurl barf cubes! (places googles over her eyes) Hey, Ryan, wait up! If you love Colorado you are 'gonna love Montana!

Hannah begins to pull herself down the mountain - and ends up falling violently down, tossing and turning. We hear her grunts to signify her pain, and Lola and Mike stare on as she continues:

HANNAH (V/O) [CONT'D]
(shouting from downhill) ...I'm OK!

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

In the community hospital - Miley is in bed in a room, Robby and Lily at her side. Oliver is at the opposite side, Jackson is relaxed in a chair watching the television.

ROBBY
I can't believe after that fall all she broke was her ankle. (Jackson screams something incomprehensible) I should've just left you at home with a bowl of kibble and a dish of water.

LILY
What did the Doctor say?

ROBBY
He said the surgery went great. And the seizure should wear off in a couple of hours.

OLIVER
I mean, this is the longest I can remember her not talking. It's so nice! (Lily clears her throat) I mean, she looks so peaceful when she's sleeping.

LILY
I apologize for my boyfriend, Mr Stewart, he is a working progress.

Jackson shouts at the television again.

ROBBY
(referring Jackson) Yeah, I know what you mean, he's a working...no, he's just a piece of work!

The nurse enters, carrying a clipboard.

NURSE
Oh no, we can't have this many people in the room, one at a time please.

LILY
Oh, OK, sorry doctor.

NURSE
Oh, I'm not a doctor, I'm a nurse.

Oliver and Jackson laugh at this remark.

JACKSON
Nurse!

NURSE
That amusing you?

OLIVER
No, sir.

ROBBY
Ya' darn tootin'. Nursing is a very noble profession for anyone.

JACKSON
I...I...I couldn't agree more. In fact, I was thinking of pursuing a career in the ... nursial arts. Who wants to go the cafeteria?

He and Oliver jump up.

OLIVER
Me too, I 'wanna leave. (as they are near the door) Bigger than my garage!

JACKSON
Dude, tell me about it! And where do you find a size twenty-two nursing shoe?

LILY
OK, if you guys don't get out of here, I think you know where you're going to find that shoe! (realization dawns on Jackson and Oliver's face) Yeah!

The three of them race out. The nurse is standing by Robby.

NURSE
Looks like she's doing just fine.

ROBBY
Thank you. And, sorry about my son.

NURSE
You know, you could've just left him home with kibble and water.

ROBBY
Tell me about it. (to Miley, as the nurse exits) You listen here baby girl, this smiling face is gonna be the first thing you see when you wake up.

A little while later, Robby is snoring asleep on the chair beside the bed.

MILEY (V/O)
Oh man! What I wouldn't give for a (???) right now. Wait a minute, how can I hear if I'm still asleep? Oh, I saw this in a Kate Hudson movie! Her doctor said that it was totally rare, but while the seizure was wearing off, she could hear stuff. (Miley's figure appears in front of the bed, although he real body remains asleep on the bed) And then this happened! She imagined herself outside her body! So cool! (Robby snores loudly) And that is so loud! Yo, daddy, I'm trying to sleep over there. (she goes to his ear and shouts) Wake up! (nothing happens) Dang it! In the movie, Kate Hudson gets a marriage proposal from Ashton Kutcher. And I get a headache from a weasly hillbilly honker!

Jackson enters with an apple.

JACKSON
Hey dad! Dad! (knocks him, but he does not wake) Cafeteria's got pie.

ROBBY
(wakes suddenly) Pie? I heard pie! Hey Jackson, I'm just 'gonna run down the cafeteria for a bit. Pie! I mean, bye. (exits)

MILEY
I never thought I would say this, but, thank you Jackson! The only thing worse than the sound of dad's snoring is...(Jackson is watching the television again, shouting) ...the sound of you watching football!

JACKSON
Touchdown! Whoa!!!

MILEY
Could you be any more insensitive?

Jackson goes over to Miley's body in the bed and high-fives her hand, before wiping his snot over it.

MILEY
Apparently yes.

JACKSON
Stupid commercials.

Jackson, with the remote goes to turn off the television, but nothing happens. It is instead the remote which controls the up/down motion of the hospital bed, where Miley is being hauled up and down.

JACKSON
What is wrong with this remote?

MILEY
It's in the hands of a boo-zoo!

Cuts to Lily entering - Jackson is sat on the seat, while Miley's bed is practically upside down.

LILY
Hey Jackson, - what happened!

JACKSON
The Titans just lost a fumble.

LILY
I'm talking about Miley! (snatches remote from him)

JACKSON
Ha? How'd that happen?

LILY
Boo-zoo!

MILEY
(spirit form still) That's what I said.

LILY
Hey, argh, why don't you make yourself useful and go down the cafeteria and throw yourself between your dad and his blueberry pie.

JACKSON
Hey, squirt. That might work on your boyfriend but not on the high school graduate.

LILY
Oh, well, why don't I tell your dad how a high school graduate turned his helpless daughter into an (???).

JACKSON
Fine. But FYI, he doesn't even like blueberries.

MILEY
He's probably already scarfed down the apple, pumpkin and banana cream.

LILY
Yeah, well he already scarfed down the apple, pumpkin and banana cream.

MILEY
Do I know my daddy or what? Yeah!

JACKSON
Great. The last time I got between my dad and his pie, I almost lost a finger! I'm not sure if he apologized afterwards, but I'll never forgot that crazed look on his face. (imitates a face) My pie! My pie!

LILY
(to Miley's body, as Jackson exits) Oh, your skin looks so dry! Nothing a little lotion can't fix.

MILEY
Finally. Someone to treat me with a little tenderness. Go ahead, Lily. I'll put myself in your loving, capable hands.

Cuts to later on, where Lily is pressing in Miley's lip, impersonating her voice.

LILY
(impersonating Miley's voice) Oh, Lily! You're the best friend a girl could ever have. In fact, I just wrote a song for you. (sings to tune of "Nobody's Perfect") Lily is perfect! She's cute and she works it! She's perfectly perfect and perfectly cute!

MILEY
Next time you spend the night at my house, pickle relish is so going in your bra!

Oliver knocks on the door and enters.

OLIVER
Hey, Lilypop. How's she doing?

LILY
Oh, she's good. She's still sleeping, but look what I can make her do. (pressing on Miley's lip's again) Oh, Oliver, you're so lucky to have a girlfriend as cute as Lily!

OLIVER
Come on Lily, that's not funny.

LILY
Thank you, Oliver.

OLIVER
This is funny! (flares Miley's nostrils) Pig nose! (laughter)

LILY
You bad boy.

MILEY
Where's a good snot rocket when I need one?

LILY
Argh, you know what, I think I'm 'gonna wash this stuff off my hands.

OLIVER
OK.

LILY
I'll miss you!

OLIVER
I'll miss you more! (he hugs her)

MILEY
Oh, hey, I've got an idea. Go with her!

LILY
You know, it's really nice to hug in front of Miley without having to hear blah.

MILEY
Blah!

Lily continues to make the noise as she exits, Miley mocking her. Oliver nears Miley's body.

MILEY
Alright Oiken, I might be out cold but if you put your fingers anywhere near my nose, I will wake up just to bite you!

OLIVER
OK. Here we go. (???)

MILEY
Oh, man! Can't you just wait until you get in the hallway?

OLIVER
(as he exits) Whoa. I mean it's harder than I thought.

MILEY
You're really upset about something.

OLIVER
I don't think I can do this.

MILEY
Sure you can. We're buds, you can tell me anything.

OLIVER
Come on, Oliver! I mean, just say it. (walking towards Miley's bed again) Say it! (takes Miley's hand and sits beside her) I love you.

MILEY
Now you see, that wasn't so...best friend's boyfriend say what?

OLIVER
I really do.

MILEY
Nooo! You can't! You're dating Lily! It'll break her heart.

OLIVER
Yeah, like I'm ever really gonna have the guts to say that.

LILY
(entering) Did you miss me!

OLIVER
Argh, you know I did! You're my little Lilypop.

MILEY
And you're a little lying poop!

Miley swings her arm at him, but as she is only in spirit form, it goes right through him. She stumbles onto the ground.

***

Back at Miley's house, she is pacing around in the kitchen with her foot cast on, venting to her dad as she crunches on a cracker.

MILEY
Oliver is unbelievable! I am so angry I could spit, if this cracker didn't give me such bad cotton mouth.

ROBBY
Honey, would you stop pacing and put your leg up? The doctor said you were supposed to keep it elevated.

MILEY
There, problem solved. Oh, wait, it's not! How can Oliver say that he loves me when he's dating Lily?

ROBBY
Well, can you blame him? I mean, minus the sass, you are adorable.

MILEY
Oh, come on, I am not...OK, maybe a little. But...Lily's my best friend.

ROBBY
Now, wait a second. You weren't even awake yet. Maybe you dreamed this whole thing.

MILEY
Oh, so now I'm not adorable? Fine! But I am still sassy! And I do not think I was asleep when you over there snoring like a grizzly with that head cold, and cleaning the cafeteria clean out of pies!

ROBBY
Oh, my gosh, you did hear everything, didn't you? Hey. This is just like that Kate Hudson movie!

MILEY
Thank you! (Robby laughs) What's so funny?

ROBBY
(through constant laughter) It's just, in the movie, she got, argh, Ashton Kutcher and you got argh...Oliver.

MILEY
Oh, right...that is funny.

Through laughter, she slowly moves her leg cast off the stool and lets it smash down on Robby's foot.

ROBBY
Ough!

MILEY
Oopsies! (starts legging over to the couch) I don't know what I am going to do.

ROBBY
Why do you have to do anything?

MILEY
Because...I can't let Lily date Oliver knowing that he's in love with me. This stinks.

ROBBY
You know, back when I was a boy...

MILEY
(cutting Robby off) Oh, no, haven't I suffered enough?

ROBBY
Oh, now, hold on baby, this one's got a point. When I was sixteen years old, I was crazy about Gabriella Godfrey. Whoaw, she was all that and the some. Until I met Heather Witt...whoaw, she was some!

MILEY
Alright, if the mission was too completely creep me out... mission accomplished!

ROBBY
Oh, honey, what I'm saying is that you know...at one time Oliver thought he loved Lily, and now he don't. And who knows, she might change her mind too. By the middle of next week she may be all goo-goo eye over Hootie Lamottie with the swimmer's body. What? Like I can't hear you in there flapping your jaws on the phone all night long! .

MILEY
You're right. I 'gotta wait, till Lily moves on to someone else. I don't have to tell her anything!

ROBBY
That's all you can do.

MILEY
But wait...what about, what about Oliver still being in love me, I still have to deal with that don't I?

ROBBY
Oh, he might change his mind on that by next week.

MILEY
Oh, great, so now my 'adorable' has an expiration date?

ROBBY
Why did I have to open that door?

As he goes upstairs, Lily enters from the front door.

LILY
Hey, Miley! I picked up your favorite ice cream, cause I figured it might make you feel better while you're stuck in the house all day. I don't know why it has to be double, double chocolate chip, it's already so rich, but as long as you like it that's all that matters.

MILEY
Oh, great. My favorite, soggy cardboard and...Lily hair. What did you do, put your whole head in there?

LILY
I'm sorry, it's just...I'm totally nervous, I'm getting together with Oliver tonight and there's something I need to tell him.

MILEY
You do?

LILY
Yeah, but I don't know what he's going to do when I say it.

MILEY
Oh, go ahead. So you moved on, I'm sure Oliver will be fine.

LILY
Moved on, where did you get that? I'm 'gonna tell him I love him.

Miley spits out the ice cream in her mouth.

MILEY
...Just had to finally spit it.

***

MILEY
Tell Oliver you love him? You can't do that!

LILY
Why?

MILEY
Because- the girl should never say it first. It's against the rules, you can't give a boy that kind of power. You do that and you'll send the women's moving back fifty years! And I am two years away from voting, and you will not take that away from me!

LILY
But I do love him.

MILEY
Yeah, and I love peanut butter. But you don't see me making a fool of myself in front of a jar of extra chunky!

LILY
Well, I don't care. I love him and I'm 'gonna tell him.

MILEY
What if he doesn't love you back? What if he's in love with someone else because they're...I 'dunno...adorable or something? (yawns) Oh, I am tired, 'gotta go take a nap, see 'ya!

LILY
Do you know something I don't?

MILEY
(clears her throat) How would I know anything? I was in the hospital, out cold. It's not like I can hear things like in that totally unrealistic Kate Hudson movie. Oh. Yawn, I am tired. 'Gotta go to bed, see 'ya! (covers her face with blanket)

LILY
Miley, I know how he feels. I can tell by the way he looks at me! Even when I have a pimple. I never told you this, but...that's why he calls me Lilypop.

MILEY
I could've gone my whole life not knowing that.

LILY
I'm 'gonna go get ready. Oh, oh, can I borrow your no-smudge lipstick? I think it might come in handy, if you know what I mean!

MILEY
You might want to borrow my water-proof mascara instead.

LILY
Right! Because I'll be so happy I'll cry.

MILEY
Well you're half right.

LILY
What do you mean?

MILEY
Well, I can pretty much guarantee crying, it's just...the happy I'm not so sure about. Lily, I didn't want to tell you this before, but...he doesn't love you.

LILY
Of course he does!

MILEY
No, he doesn't. Remember when I was in the hospital and everybody thought I couldn't hear? Well, I could...and I heard him say that he...doesn't love you.

LILY
He doesn't love me?

MILEY
I'm sorry, Lily.

LILY
No, Miley you had to be dreaming.

MILEY
If I was dreaming would I have heard this? (clenches Lily's jaws) Lily is perfect! She's cool and she works it!

LILY
Oh, no!

MILEY
It's OK, go ahead and cry.

Miley hugs Lily, as she starts crying like a baby.

***

A while later, Lily is sat on the couch crying her eyes out with stacks and stacks of tissues discarded on the floor. Miley comes over with a new box .

MILEY
Here you go, I got you another box. Here, use this cold pack, it...OH, OK! May as well not waste it.

***

Miley has just finished constructing a large building out of paddle pop sticks, Lily is still crying.

MILEY
There. Gosh, Lily, if I knew you were going to cry this much I would've built a boat!

LILY
I'm sorry, I think I'm done.

MILEY
Good. Because you know what - Oliver is not worth it! (Lily breaks into tears again, saying OLIVER!) Oh, sweet niblets!

Robby comes down from upstairs.

ROBBY
Oh, no, poor Lily. You told her Oliver was in love you?

Miley hits her head. Lily flinches up.

LILY
In love with you?

MILEY
No. I cleverly avoided that, until now!

ROBBY
Argh...I think I'm getting a fax, I better go check! Hope I got enough paper in there, see you! (runs off upstairs)

LILY
How could you?

MILEY
Lily, I swear, I had nothing to do with it! I'm adorable! It's a gift and a curse. And the important thing is, I don't feel the same way .

LILY
Really?

MILEY
Of course not! In fact, right now I hate him as much as you do.

LILY
Oh, that miserable, slimy, Miley-loving weasel! Stringing me along when he never even loved me! Oh, I wish I could get him back!

MILEY
You can! You know what we're going to do, we're going to get you all fixed up, then we're going to take you down to the beach, and get a picture of you sitting with a cute guy, send it to Oliver, so he knows, you're over it, you never even loved him.

LILY
But I did!

MILEY
Lily! Please, if you're going to waste this much water, just go cry over my plants.

Following Miley's orders, she goes and leans over the plants.

***

Miley is dragging Lily along the beach outside Rico's.

MILEY
Stop crying, you're going to ruin your makeup.

LILY
OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll stop. How do I look? (pushes her hair away from her face and we see her makeup is a mess all over her face).

Jackson turns and sees it and steps back with a gasp of shock.

MILEY
Zip it, Jackson! You look great.

JACKSON
Yeah, if you like circus clowns! Honk.

MILEY
No, honey, you have inner beauty. Now, let's find you a hunk...with a big heart, and bad eyes...OK, sit here, and let's see what we're working with. Oh, hello!...goodbye. Oh, hubba-hubba.

LILY
Did you find somebody?

MILEY
Not really your type...bingo! Cute...but I can live without him. Now, you stay here, and try to push some of your inner beauty onto the outside, OK?

LILY
OK, how's this?

JACKSON
I got two words for you. Paper bag.

MILEY
Yeah, look who's talking. I remember your last girlfriend, the dog went great until the dog catcher showed up! Woof! Woof! (she and Jackson start mocking each other. She approaches the cute guy) Hey, how's it going?

GIL
Good. What happened to your leg?

MILEY
I'm not really in the mood for sweet talk. You a good kisser?

GIL
I guess so. But shouldn't we get to know each other first? I'm Gil.

MILEY
I'm actually talking about my friend over there.

GIL
The circus clown?

MILEY
She is not a...yes, the circus clown.

GIL
I don't think so.

Miley looks over and sees Oliver come over and greet his mates.

MILEY
I'll give you twenty bucks!

GIL
Can't I just shake her hand?

MILEY
Twenty-five.

GIL
...deal.

MILEY
Gil, Lil. Lil, Gil. Let's do this thing.

LILY
I don't think I can do this Miley.

MILEY
Guy who doesn't love you at two o-clock!

LILY
OK, OK!

GIL
I can close my eyes, right?

MILEY
Just do it!

As the two close in on each other, Oliver walks down on it.

OLIVER
What the?

MILEY
Yep, that's right! She's kissing someone else, she's moved on, you cannot hurt her anymore!

OLIVER
Hurt her? Miley, what are you talking about, I love her!

MILEY
You do?

LILY
You do!

OLIVER
Yeah, I mean, I did, until you were inches away from kissing another guy.

MILEY
Then why did you say you love me?

OLIVER
I never said that!

GIL
I still get paid either way, right?

OLIVER/LILY
You paid him?

MILEY
Not important! What is important, is that while I was asleep in the hospital, you said that you loved me!

OLIVER
No, I didn't!

MILEY
Yes you did!

LILY
She heard you.

OLIVER
She heard...oh! I wasn't saying it to Miley, I was practicing to say it to you.

LILY
To me?

MILEY
To her?

OLIVER
Yeah, it's not easy saying I love you to a girl if you've never said it before.

LILY
I love you to, Ollipop.

OLIVER
This isn't exactly how I wanted to tell you, but.

LILY
This isn't exactly how I wanted to look when you did!

OLIVER
You look beautiful.

GIL
I am not going to get paid, am I?

JACKSON
Please. Everyone knows you can't clean the cash unless you kiss the clown.

MILEY
Hey, how about that! Happy ending. About all that really matters. Well, I better get going, gotta put this leg up.

OLIVER
Miley!

OLIVER
You almost broke us up.

MILEY
True...but all because of this totally innocent misunderstanding, you guys finally said I love you to each other! So I think the words you are looking for is thank you, to which I reply, you're welcome.

LILY
Miley, if we weren't so incredibly happy, you would be in so much trouble right now.

MILEY
But you are. And I have never been so happy to have been wrong.

OLIVER
I can't believe you thought I was in love with you.

LILY
Even I thought you were in love with her!

MILEY
OK, guys, it's not that funny, I mean, look at me- I'm adorable. It's true! Even daddy said so!

***

JACKSON
This is so cool! Just like that Kate Hudson movie.

ROBBY
My boy.

JACKSON
Oh, look at me, I'm Robby Ray Stewart, I jogged all the way to the mailbox so now I can have pie. Dang flab it, Jackson ate my pie!

ROBBY
Dang flab it, Jackson ate my pie!

JACKSON
And it was good!

ROBBY
That tears it, that boy is going to pay!

JACKSON
Pay? What do you mean "pay"? Hey, what are you doing with the whipped cream and the jelly? Come on, man, I'm sleeping! Hey, wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Avenge yourself...oh,oh I can't watch this.

ROBBY
'Yee doggies.

JACKSON
Oh, oh yeah. Very nice. Real mature! So proud to call you my dad!

ROBBY
N'argck. It's a masterpiece.

JACKSON
It's very funny. Too bad you're the only one who's going to see it. Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no!

ROBBY
Think I got next year's Christmas card.

JACKSON
Please, please, please let this be a dream!


Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. No infringement intended.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

3x19 - Super(stitious) Girl

We see an exterior view of the S.S. Tipton, hearing Moseby's voice over an intercom.

MOSEBY (V/O)
Attention, students! We have now docked in Hawaii, home of sugarcane, pineapple and your cruise director's favorite, Kona Coffee.

***

Hannah and Lola's dorm on the ship. Hannah is pacing around while Lola searches through piles of clothes.

HANNAH
Unbelievable. We're stuck on this stupid boat for five days and now we can't leave this stupid boat because you can't find your stupid lipgloss!

LOLA
It is not stupid! It has SBF thirty, the healing power of aloe, and it tastes like coconut! I like coconut.

HANNAH
Here's just an idea. We just docked in Hawaii. Buy a coconut!

LOLA
Oh, like you never forget anything.

HANNAH
I don't, I'm a professional. I have a check list. (indicates to each part of her body as she speaks) Wig, got it. Single pink glove, got it. Mama's lucky anklet...don't got it! (feels around her boots) Where's my lucky anklet?

LOLA
Oh, well, maybe little Miss Professional forgot to put it on because she was to busy insulting her friend, oh sweet justice!

HANNAH
Lily! It's gotta be in here someplace. And I'm not going to stop searching until I...

LOLA
Found it!

HANNAH
Lily, you're a lifesaver.

Hannah walks over to her, in hope that it is the anklet, but sees Lola rubbing on the lipgloss.

LOLA
Oh, you thought I meant the anklet. Mmm...coconut goodness.

HANNAH
Lily, you know my Mom gave me that anklet, we 'gotta find it!

LOLA
Right, sorry. I'm on it.

The two of them start looking for the anklet.

HANNAH
It's like a lucky charm. Like she's right there on stage with me.

There is a knock from the door.

MOSEBY (V/O)
Moseby, here.

HANNAH
Oh, argh, come in!

Moseby enters.

MOSEBY
Oh, Miss Montana, I just cleared the hallway and the helicopter is waiting to take you to your rehearsal.

HANNAH
Thank you, Mr. Moseby, just give me a few minutes.

MOSEBY
A few minutes? No, no, no, no. I hate to rush you, but the wind from the helicopter is wreaking havoc on the Senior Citizens hula dancing class. Brass skirts are flying everywhere, it's not pretty. (Moseby exits)

HANNAH
Lily, we have to find it.

LOLA
Look, I know it's important to you, but we'll find it when we get back.

HANNAH
(as the two of them start for the door) I know, it just doesn't feel right not having it on.

LOLA
(as the two exit) Miley, it's 'gonna be OK, it's just a rehearsal, nothing bad is going to happen.

***

Cuts to Lola and Hannah entering their dorm, after the rehearsal.

HANNAH
That was the worst rehearsal ever!

LOLA
It wasn't that terrible.

HANNAH
The lighting guy booed.

LOLA
Maybe he was calling over to the sound guy, whose name happened to be Boo. You know, like, (impersonating voice) "Hey, Boo! Boo!"

HANNAH
Well unless Boo's last name is "You Stink", don't think so. Lily, come on, let's face it, everything went wrong because I don't have my Mom's anklet.

LOLA
OK, first, we know that the anklet's in this room, so we're going to find it.

HANNAH
Maybe it's in the bathroom. (runs into bathroom)

LOLA
Yeah, and second, the rehearsal probably went bad because you knew you didn't have the anklet and so you were nervous. I mean, it's not like it has magical powers and now you're doomed to a life of terrible things happening.

Moseby's voice sounds over the intercom.

MOSEBY (V/O)
Attention, passengers! A student's pet rat has managed to escape, if you happen to see him, please dial nine for housekeeping.

Hannah's scream is heard echoing from the bathroom.

LOLA
Is he big?

Hannah comes out of the bathroom, cross-eyed trying to look up at the rat sitting on her head.

HANNAH
You tell me.

***

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

LOLA
Miley, we've searched everywhere and all we've found is rat footprints my makeup. So gross, and yet so cute.

HANNAH (V/O)
Well it's not in the drain.

Hannah comes out of the bathroom holding a shred of hair.

HANNAH [CONT'D]
But I think Hagrid had this room before us. (drops hair shred) The anklet has got to be in here someplace. See, I was doing my toenails last night, and it was on. And, I walked over here to get a drink of water but somebody had already drank them all. Because it's free, it's free! Glug, glug, glug!

By now Hannah is over at the table beside the entrance door, Lola joining her -

LOLA
My mom says hydrated skin is happy skin.

HANNAH
Thanks to you, my skin wouldn't know. Glug, glug girl. See, and then, I went over to my Dad's room to get some water, and I remember because I had to do my freshly-painted toenail walk. (walks across the room in an odd fashion, Lola follows) Then, I got a bottle from him and I came right back here. So, I never even left the room. (Lola glares at her) Whoa. Not having my Mom's anklet not only makes me unlucky, but it makes me...

LOLA
Dumb? Stupid? Idiotic?

HANNAH
I was gonna say forgetful!

LOLA
Yeah, that was my next one.

Hannah and Lola exit through the door, and as they enter the corridor they bump into a housekeeping maid, who will later come to be known as Lidia.

HANNAH
Hi, um...I'm really sorry about the room, I'm kind of a...restless sleeper.

As Hannah and Lola run off, the maid walks into their room and examines the mess.

LIDIA
It's like Mick Jagger all over again.

***

Robby is asleep, upside down on his bed in the dorm.

ROBBY
Oh man. Oh man!

Hannah and Lola run in.

HANNAH
Dad!

ROBBY
(beginning to sit up) Oh, Oh, I'm ready, time to get to that rehearsal.

HANNAH
Daddy. The rehearsal was an hour ago.

ROBBY
Was I there?

Lola lips 'whoa' as she walks into the corner of the room.

HANNAH
Dad, um, have you seen Mom's anklet?

ROBBY
Honey, I'm so seasick I can't see the insides of my eyelids. (Hannah begins to search his room) "Let's take a cruise, daddy. It'll be fine". Oh sweet niblets, here it comes!

Robby jumps up and leans his head through the porthole.

HANNAH
It's not in my room, so it has to be in here.

Hannah walks over to Lola, who is stashing away a bottle of water in her handbag.

HANNAH [CONT'D]
Lily! Can you please help me, I've got to find it before something else bad happens!

Hannah reaches under the bed, and as she pulls her arm back up the shirt fabric rips apart.

HANNAH [CONT'D]
Oh, come on!

LOLA
Alright. Well, argh...on the plus side, now it matches that whole one glove thing you're doing.

HANNAH
(fake, swings her arm) Super!

ROBBY
(cuts to porthole) Hey, honey, did you check your socks?

HANNAH
(cuts back to room) That's it! I slept in my socks last night. I bet it came off in one of my socks. Dad, thank you! (jumps on bed and goes to hug him)

ROBBY
Oh!

HANNAH
Oh...if he didn't smell so funky, I'd kiss you.

Hannah jumps off the bed and goes out the door, Lola following.

***

Checking to see the coast is clear, Hannah and Lola skip through the corridor singing.

HANNAH
It's in my socks!

LOLA
In the sheets!

HANNAH
In a pile!

LOLA
On the floor!

HANNAH
Once I get it on again...

LOLA
No more bad luck any...

As the two of them open the door, they find that the room has been cleaned perfectly neat.

HANNAH
Oh, come on!

***

At the Stewart living room - Oliver and Jackson are slouched on the couch.

OLIVER
You know, I didn't know why you didn't want to go to Hawaii, but now I get it! This...is paradise!

JACKSON
Tell me about it. I haven't washed a dish in five days!

OLIVER
Sweet!

JACKSON
And I haven't eaten a sensible meal in three!

OLIVER
Oh, man.

JACKSON
And the best part is, haven't held in la gas since they left!

OLIVER
Yeah...(waves his nostrils) That one I figured out on my own.

The doorbell rings.

JACKSON
One second! (grabs a basketball)

OLIVER
Oh, can I do it?

JACKSON
Be my guest. (hands it to Oliver)

OLIVER
Yeah!

Oliver shoots the ball into a hoop hanging above them, which then leads the ball down a series of objects which push the door open.

JACKSON
Oh, yeah!

OLIVER
It never gets old.

Jackson clears way for the delivery man, who is carting in a large box.

DELIVERY MAN
Let me guess, guys. Parents outta' town?

JACKSON
Oh yeah!

DELIVERY MAN
So cool. (hands Jackson clipboard) Sign here. 'Scuse me. I'll just drop this bad boy right here.

JACKSON
Yeah, that's perfect.

DELIVERY MAN
Alright.

JACKSON
Thanks, man.

DELIVERY MAN
It's cool. (exit)

OLIVER
Thanks, man. (he and Jackson approach box) Whoa! Dude, your Dad ordered something from that Schlummarker Hummaeker cool stuff catalogue!

JACKSON
I love that catalogue! Massage chairs...life-size robots, personal submarines!

OLIVER
Oh, you know and it has the best digital meat thermometer in the world! (Jackson stares) What? It takes the guess work out of grilling!

Jackson dials in his father's number and raises his mobile to his ears.

JACKSON
Hey, Dad! You got a package from Schlummarker Hummaeker, I'm going to open it, OK? (pause; whiny voice upon resume) Well, why not!

Cuts to Robby in his dorm lying on the bed.

ROBBY
'Cause I'm the one who ordered it, and I want to be the one to open it!

Cuts back to Jackson - Oliver is leaning on Jackson's shoulders.

JACKSON
It's a robot, isn't it?

OLIVER
It's a robot!

Cuts back to Robby.

ROBBY
Jackson, I'm not playing guessing games. That package better be sealed when I get home.

JACKSON
(cuts back to Jackson) OK, fine. (hangs up phone)

Jackson and Oliver glare at the box.

Cuts to later, when Jackson and Oliver are sitting by the box. Jackson is heating the seal with an iron.

OLIVER
Jackson, what about what your Dad said?

JACKSON
What? He said he wanted it sealed when he gets home! Well, it will be. (continues ironing)

***

The S.S. Tipton - one of the maids chucks a bed cloth in one of the two laundry carts. As she goes, Hannah's head pops up.

HANNAH
Nothing! What about you?

Lola's head pops up in the cart beside Hannah's.

LOLA
Yeah, me neither. But I did find seventy-five cents and half an eaten raspberry almond pillow chocolate.

HANNAH
How do you know it's raspberry almond?

LOLA
Lucky guess. (she and Hannah pop back down in their carts)

A housekeeping maid, Lidia, is handing over to Moseby Miley's anklet, nearby the cart where they are hiding.

MOSEBY
Argh, yes. Thank you Lidia, I will put this anklet in the lost and found. And, as a reward for your sharp eyes, the S.S. Tipton is proud to present you with a...(hands chocolate over) ...raspberry almond pillow chocolate! Eat it with pride. But on your own time.

London Tipton runs over and spots the anklet.

LONDON
Oh! Pretty, sparkly, shiny! Gimme, gimme, gimme! (reaches for the anklet)

LIDIA
I'm sorry, Miss Tipton, I didn't find that in your room. I found it in a passengers sock.

LONDON
Hello! My boat, my passengers, my shiny thing! Thank you!

London takes the anklet from Moseby. Lidia files away, and Moseby follows after London.

MOSEBY
London!

LONDON
Oh, alright. Look, I'll just hold it for safe keeping 'til the owner shows with a receipt and two forms of ID. (thunder is heard) Ewgh! It looks like a storm is coming. Moseby, make it go away.

MOSEBY
Oh, of course. As soon as I put an iron on that patch in the ozone layer!

Moseby walks inside, London follows him.

LONDON
Hello, I thought we talked about this! Me first, humanity second!

Moseby grunts as he walks away. London examines the anklet.

LONDON [CONT'D]
D R E A M. Who's Dr Eam?

Lola and Hannah, covered by their jacket hoods, peek over at London in discretion.

LOLA
Hannah, look! London's got your anklet!

HANNAH
Yes!

LOLA
Hey, and she's got great skin, you know she must drink a lot of water...

HANNAH
(cutting Lola off) Who cares! Now keep your head down. The last thing we need is to be recognized.

As Hannah and Lola secretly make their way over to London, the elevator beeps, and Zack Martin steps out.

ZACK
Hey, Hannah --- !

Hannah instantly grabs Zack's mouth and drags him down beneath the reception counter.

HANNAH
Sorry. But I cannot be mobbed right now.

ZACK
I get it, I get it. You want to spend a little one on one time with Zack-Donald. Here a kiss, there a kiss, every-where a kiss, kiss.

LOLA
(whispering to Hannah) It's the other one that's got the girlfriend, right?

HANNAH
For her sake, I hope so.

ZACK
So. What's say I go check out the dessert buffet and bring us back a little strawberry shortcake? See? See what I did there?

HANNAH
Zack...you always leave me speechless.

ZACK
Well I do have that affect on the ladies. So, I'll be right back, and don't worry - (whispers to Hannah) I'll bring back a little dessert for Highlighter head.

As Zack jumps up, Lola is left with her jaw-opened.

LOLA
You know, I am starting to miss those five days we were stuck in our room.

***

Out on the deck, while a storm thunders, London is leaning over the boat examining the anklet.

LONDON
Hmmm...it looks like gold. But just to be sure...

London bites the anklet, after looking to make sure nobody sees.

LONDON [CONT'D]
Mmm! Eighteen carrot (gagging), with a hint of sock fuzzies!

Hannah and Lola approach London.

HANNAH
London. (takes off her hood) Hi.

LONDON
Hannah! I knew it. You've thought about it, and finally realized that "Yay Me" theme song is your next number one hit! (dancing around, singing) London Tipton's really great, really great, really great!

HANNAH
(to Lola) What is in the water on this boat?

LOLA
I don't know, but I hope there's a cure, I must of had like sixty bottles!

HANNAH
London. (drags London back) That's my anklet.

LONDON
No, it's called, "Yay me!" My anklet would be a stupid title, since I never say it in the song. (laughter)

Hannah and Lola turn to each other and mime "Whoa" at each other.

HANNAH
Yeah, um, London. What I meant was...(slowly) that anklet...

LONDON
Mm-hm?

HANNAH
(holding hand out) Belongs to me.

LONDON
Fine. I'll need to see a receipt and two forms of ID.

HANNAH
London, I don't have a receipt! My mom gave that to me before my very first concert. And, I've worn it every show. (pause) It's my most special possession...(pause) The diamonds are fake!

LONDON
Ewgh!

In reaction, London's arm flings the anklet off the boat and into the water.

HANNAH
(glaring over edge) No!

LONDON
What are you so upset about? I'm the one who had to touch it!

London walks away, as Hannah and Lola look over the edge in sadness.

***

With London gone, Hannah and Lola are now looking over the edge by themselves. The thunder continues to sound in the background.

LOLA
Are you OK?

HANNAH
No, now there is nothing I can do about it.
(slowly begins to snuggle with Lola)
Unless you're willing to dive in.

LOLA

Miley, it's gonna be like sixty feet.

HANNAH

Right, Right!
(starts to snuggle again)
You won't have to give me anything for my birthday.

LOLA

(apologetically)
Miley...

HANNAH

Ever...

LOLA

(annoyed)
Miley!

HANNAH

Fine!

LOLA

I'm really sorry.

HANNAH

Thank you.

The two of them share a friendship hug.


LOLA
You know...we should probably get in, it looks like that storm is getting closer.
(turns)


HANNAH
Who cares? What can a stupid storm do to me now?

As Hannah turns, a gust of wind suddenly blows her wig off.

HANNAH [CONT'D]
OK seriously... (pointing upwards) COME ON!

She puts on her hood and walks in trying not to be recognized. As she walks in, Zack approaches them.

ZACK

They were out of strawberry shortcake but...I got pudding!
(he has a giant heart made out of chocolate pudding on his shirt)

HANNAH
Sorry, but...I don't like chocolate.

ZACK

Oh, no worries...
(points to each pocket correspondingly)
I got vanilla in this pocket, tapioka in this pocket and napkins in the back.

He laughs to himself, as Lola and Hannah run away. Zack turns around to see they have gone.


ZACK [CONT'D]

Where did you go?

***

Cuts back to Hannah and Lola's dorm - Hannah is on the bed with one of Lola's blue wigs on. Lola is examining her. Hannah is looking at herself in a hand mirror.

LOLA
Yeah...yeah, I'm thinking it could work.

HANNAH

In what world? Let's face it Lily, ever since I lost my Mom's anklet nothing's gone right. It's like I'm not even meant to do the concert.

LOLA

(sits beside Hannah on the bed) Oh, look I know how tough this has been on you and that's why I'm telling you this as your best friend...(shouting) YOU'RE HANNAH MONTANA! (Hannah flinches) SNAP OUT OF IT. YOU NEVER LET YOUR FANS DOWN AND YOU ARE NOT GONNA DO IT NOW. THAT WIG HAS GOT TO GET OFF SOMEDAY SISTER AND THAT DAY IS TODAY. IT'S TIME FOR MILEY STEWART TO SHOW THIS WORLD WHAT SHE'S GOT. LET'S ROCK THIS ISLAND PARADISE, WHOA!

Lola runs out of the cabin a crazed hurry, Hannah staring bizarrely. Seconds later Lola returns.

LOLA [CONT'D]
(now relaxed)
Or I could just get some hair dye?

HANNAH

I'm gonna go with the hair dye. But I did like the speech.

LOLA

You don't have to do it.

HANNAH

Lily!

LOLA

(sighing, as she exits) I'll go get the dye.


Hannah looks at herself in the mirror again.

***

Back at the Stewart's - Jackson is still ironing the seal from the box. Jackson's hair is a ball of sweat and Oliver's is a crazy afro.

JACKSON
Stupid steam, it's not doing anything!

OLIVER
(laughing) Are you kidding? Dude, look at your hair.

JACKSON
I wouldn't talk, Napoleon Dynamite!

OLIVER
(feeling and looking up at his hair) Oh, man!

JACKSON
(stands) Dude, this isn't working! I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to this, but - I think we need a professional.

Jackson and Oliver glare at the box again - before it cuts to Rico feeling the box with his stethoscope. The three of them are seated around the box at it's position in the living room.

RICO
Mmmm....

JACKSON / OLIVER
Mmmm....

RICO
Argh....

JACKSON / OLIVER
Argh...

Rico moves the stethoscope along.

RICO
Argh!!

JACKSON / OLIVER
Argh!!

JACKSON
So you think you can do it?

RICO
Blind folded in my sleep with my tongue! But my price, unlike your combined IQ's, is high.

JACKSON
How much?

RICO
If it's a big robot I get to play with it first!

JACKSON
(as Oliver grunts) Deal!

OLIVER
(jumps on top of box) But you promised that if it was a robot I could play with it first!

JACKSON
Do you want it open or not?

OLIVER
(pauses; nervously) I want it open...

Oliver jumps off the box as Rico begins to examine the box again. Rico flicks it with his hand several times.

JACKSON
This better be one of those "wait for it" moments.

Rico eyes the box closely, as it suddenly bursts open. Oliver and Jackson jump back in surprise.

OLIVER
Whoa! What a call.

JACKSON
What is it?

OLIVER
Well it's not a robot...

All this while a continuos beep has been sounding from the box.

JACKSON
What's that beeping?

The beeping starts to get more fast-paced. They step back as a giant shadow forms over them...cuts to later, where we see a giant jumping castle in the living room. Jackson's phone begins to ring, but the three of them are squashed against the front door in the wrath of the jumping castle.

JACKSON
Can either of you guys reach my phone?

OLIVER / RICO
No!

JACKSON
Fine. I think I can hit the speaker button. (he hits the door) Ow! Hello?

Cuts to Robby - lying on the bed in his cabin.

ROBBY
Hey! How's it going?

Cuts back to Malibu.

JACKSON / RICO / OLIVER
Good, good, good!

Cuts back to Robby.

ROBBY
So, are you guys pinned against the floor or smushed up against the window?

Cuts back to Malibu.

JACKSON / RICO / OLIVER
The window...

Cuts back to Robby.

ROBBY
Argh huh...so, Jackson, next time I get a package, what are you going to do?

Cuts back to Malibu.

JACKSON
Not open it?

Cuts back to Robby.

ROBBY
That's my boy! (pause) Hey, don't worry about it.

Cuts back to Malibu, where Robby's voice is heard over the phone.

ROBBY [CONT'D] (V/O)
The deflate button is right there beside the ... (crackling)

JACKSON
Dad! Dad!

Cuts back to Robby, who is making the sound effects of crackling. He laughs, as he hears the whining voices of Jackson, Oliver and Rico. He hangs up on them.

ROBBY
That's the most fun I've had this whole darn cruise! (his stomach rumbles) Oh.

Cuts back to Malibu.

JACKSON
No!

OLIVER
We're never going to get out of here!

RICO
Wait, I think I can pop it with my fingernail!

JACKSON
Yeah, give it the fingernail!

Rico reaches behind, and an exterior view of the Stewart house is seen, as a loud pop is heard in the background echo.

***

In Miley and Lily's cabin, Miley is seated on a chair with a towel over her head. Lily is still guised as Lola, as her phone rings, but she rejects it.

MILEY
Argh, thank you! That was the longest fifteen minutes ever!

LOLA
Fifteen? I thought you said the dye stays on for fifty!

Miley runs over to mirror on the entrance door to the bathroom, and rips off the towel to see that she has green hair. She screams in shock.

MILEY
Oh, no!

LOLA
Maybe it'll dry blonde?

MILEY
And then what, fall out? Lily, how many more signs do I need?

The mirror falls off the wall, and cracks as it lands. Miley cramps on Lola.

MILEY [CONT'D]
I had to ask!

Out in the corridor, Cody Martin is walking towards Hannah's room with Bailey Pickett. He is holding a bunch of roses.

BAILEY
I mean, Cody, are you really sure we should bother her before the concert?

CODY
Please, Bailey - we already have tickets and backstage passes (gestures at the roses), and these puppies will get us into some really cool after party.

Hannah's door open and she comes out, with her hood covering her head.

CODY [CONT'D]
Hey, Hannah, babe. (hands out the roses) A little thank you for those concert tickets.

HANNAH
(sadly) There is no concert. I'm sorry.

She walks away sadly, Cody calls after her.

CODY
What!! Is this going to affect the after-party? (Hannah is gone, Cody turns to Bailey) OK, Bailey, I know how disappointed you are...

BAILEY
No, no I'm not. I mean, sure, it's a little like the year everyone forgot my birthday, and I was so sad I went and slept in the barn, and two goats started eating my hair. (now hysterical) But I'm not disappointed.

A mess of tears, Bailey runs off. Cody runs after her.

***

Out on the deck, Hannah is looking over the edge sadly. The storm is still brewing, as Robby approaches. Hannah's head is still covered with her hood.

ROBBY
Hey, bud.

HANNAH
Dad, I can't do the concert.

ROBBY
Yeah, I know. Lily told me about your Momma's anklet.

HANNAH
Ever since I lost it, nothing's gone right. I had the worst rehearsal ever. I missed steps, I sang flat, forgot words...

ROBBY
Now, honey, that stuff happens to ever rock star.

HANNAH
Oh really? Did every rock star end up with a torn up hotel room, a broken mirror and... (pulls off her hood) ...green hair? And a rat on their head?

ROBBY
That would be considered a slow on the (???)

HANNAH
Dad, I don't get it. Just...without mom up there on stage with me...I'm 'gonna blow it.

ROBBY
I know what you mean. I used to worry about that same thing, raising you kids without her. But I did it. You know how? 'Cause she was with me every step of the way. (pats his heart) Right in here. Anklet or no anklet, it's the same thing for you. (pats Miley's heart) She's with you. Right there.

HANNAH
You really think so?

ROBBY
I know so! Who do you think always reminded me to bring the back up wig?

From his pocket, he brings out a blonde wig. As Hannah takes the wig, the sun shines over. Robby embraces his daughter.

ROBBY [CONT'D]
Ha. Look at that. Turning out to be a beautiful day for a concert in Hawaii.

***

Hannah, now fully dressed, dances excitedly down the corridor.

***

Hannah runs into the lobby area of the ship, to see Cody and Bailey.

HANNAH
Hey! What are you guys sitting around here for? Don't you have tickets to my concert? And the after party! Let's go!

Hannah skips out, as Bailey and Cody jump up.

BAILEY
Yes! Oh my gosh, Cody, did you do this?

CODY
Bailey, look. If this relationship doesn't have honesty, it doesn't have anything. Yes, yes I did!

They link arms and skip out.

***

At the concert in Hawaii, Hannah jumps out onto the stage.

HANNAH
Let's rock, Hawaii!

She begins to perform "It's all Right Here"

***

A blooper reel for the episode shows as the closing credits roll underneath.

***

Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. No infringement intended.