Miley and Robby are next in line at the sign in desk at the San Diego airport.
ROBBY
Whoo doggies! I do love it when Hannah plays the state fair. Good food, good people, and man, when you walk through those live stock exhibits, the fresh aroma of manure in the morning! (inhales) Oh, lord, I can still smell it.
MILEY
That would be my shoe, daddy. Normally I'd hate it but that guy at security did wave me through pretty quickly.
Miley covers her nose and waves, in mock of her memory of the customs officer.
DESK CLERK (to the passengers before Miley and Robby)
Bye, bye! (Miley and Robby step forward) Hi, hi!
ROBBY
Here, here!
MILEY
Help, help.
Miley's mobile phone starts ringing from her pocket. She steps aside as she answers.
MILEY (on the phone)
Hi birthday girl, what's up?
Lilly is back home in Malibu, on the beach, talking on the phone to Miley. The conversation swaps between the two of them at their separate locations unless otherwise marked.
LILLY
Well, I'm down here at the beach, where Oliver planned a picnic, and then a-a romantic sunset walk by the water, and then any chick-flick I wanted. Even one where Orlando Bloom falls in love with a mermaid and then sells his soul for gills and a flipper.
MILEY
Sounds like the perfect day!
LILLY
I know, and it would be. (sits down) If he wasn't sick.
MILEY
Are you sure he's not faking it? I mean, some guys will do anything to get out of a fishy chick-flick.
LILLY
No, he's definitely sick. You should've heard him on the phone. (mocking Oliver's voice) Oh, Lilly, I'm so sorry...(sniffles)...he's so cute!
MILEY
Yeah, because it's your birthday, I'm gonna' let that one go. But don't worry, I'll be home in a couple of hours. So until then, go to my house, watch some TV, and help yourself to daddy's private stash of fudgie-buddies.
ROBBY
What?! She's not family.
MILEY
And, when I get back, we'll do whatever you like.
LILLY
Oh, really? Thanks, that feels a lot better already.
An off-screen character throws an object over to Lilly's table and it clashes on the glass plates set up across the table she has set up for her and Oliver.
LILLY
Hey, man! (throws the object back)
MILEY
What was that?
LILLY
Oh, that was nothing. Don't worry about it.
A surfer from the beach turns around and unknowingly (accidently) knocks Lilly down to the ground with the end of his surfboard.
LILLY (V/O from ground)
Sorry...
MILEY
Don't worry. (walking back beside Robby at the desk) Nothing is going to keep me from being with you on your birthday.
Miley hangs up.
DESK CLERK (through the microphone PA system)
Attention, passengers. Due to mechanical difficulties, flight sixty-four to Los Angeles has been cancelled.
The line of passengers all groan with annoyance.
MILEY
Mousy-voiced ticket-sale lady say what?
DESK CLERK
I said (through microphone again) Attention, passengers...
MILEY (interrupting angrily)
I heard what you said!!!
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY-RAY CYRUS
"HANNAH MONTANA"
***
Back at the airport, where we left at the end of the teaser scene. The line of disgruntled passengers behind Robby and Miley are waving their tickets around in frenzy.
ROBBY
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Calm down, people. Give the woman a break. I’m sure she's gonna get us out of here just as soon as she can.
MILEY (anxious)
Yeah, my dad is right. I mean, we are all in this together! (turns to the desk clerk and waves over a note) But if there's only seat left I can ditch the big guy. (points a gun at the woman and winks) Enough said.
DESK CLERK (through microphone)
Attention, passengers. The only other flight to LA tonight is out of Tooson. So, if you'd please proceed to a cab stand in an orderly fashion...
But it's too late. Miley and Robby can only watch as the passengers behind them run off, clearly with the advantage.
MILEY (to the Desk Clerk)
You could've at least told us first!
Miley walks off.
DESK CLERK (after Miley, holding up the note)
Well, you could've at least given me more than a twenty!
Miley hauls her suitcase behind her back as she heads off.
***
Miley meets Robby in the next lobby, where the passengers are still making a frenzy to the cab dealer. There is a cardboard picture of Hannah Montana leaning against the wall.
MILEY
Now we're never gonna get a cab. This is gonna be Lilly's worst birthday ever.
ROBBY
Oh, honey, I know you're upset, but there's nothing we can do about it.
Miley looks away and exhales. Robby turns to the cardboard Hannah Montana briefly.
ROBBY
...even though I do know what you're thinking.
MILEY
What am I thinking?
ROBBY (almost under his breath)
Well, you're thinking if you get dressed up as you-know-who and promise to sign a few you-know-what's, then these people are gonna' let us jump to the front of the you-know-where.
MILEY
But you always said using you-know-who for you-know-what is unfair.
ROBBY
And it is. But you're sixteen now. Miley, you're old enough to start making your own decisions.
MILEY
So what are you saying, daddy?
ROBBY (in discretion)
I'm saying...(looks around)...the wig's in the bottom, and the gloves are in the zipper pocket. Now, get.
Handing Miley her suitcase, he whistles at her and she walks off.
***
Miley, now disguised as Hannah Montana, re-enters the lobby for the taxi services. Robby puts his arm around her as soon as he can reach and calls out to the crowd:
ROBBY (shouting)
Hey, everybody! It's Hannah Montana!
The line of people all turn and gasp with surprise, as Hannah waves to them with a cute grin on her face.
ROBBY
I bet if we let her to the front of the line, she'll sign some autographs for our kids.
Without a second thought, they all groan and turn back to the counter.
HANNAH
What kind of parents are you?!
From behind, a mid-aged man enters.
ROBBY
Well, it looks like there's no way we're going to make it to Toohsong in time to catch that flight.
HANNAH (worried)
But this is gonna break Lilly's heart! (offers her phone to Robby) (???)
ROBBY
Me call your friend? (takes the phone) No problem. You know what? I'll start off with a joke. Knock, knock. Who's there? Not us!
Robby chuckles sarcastically as he raises the phone to his ears. Hannah takes the phone back and shoots her father a dirty look.
HANNAH
You are a cold, cold daddy.
Dewey, the man who entered earlier, approaches Hannah and Robby with his camera. He speaks in a southern accent.
DEWEY
Excuse me, folks? Name's Dewey Pickens, I'm a huge fan. Could I trouble you for one quick picture?
HANNAH
Sure. Looks like we've got plenty of time.
DEWEY
Oh, great. Take it.
Dewey pushes Hannah out of the way and he stands beside Robby, handing Hannah the camera.
HANNAH
Hey!
DEWEY
Here you go. (looking Robby all over) Oh, the mullet man himself, Mr Achey-Breaky Robby Ray! Let's do it! Whoo!
ROBBY (to Hannah)
Be sure to get my good side.
Hannah snaps a photo of them.
DEWEY
Whoa! OK! Let's shake it here. (shaking Robby's hand) Okay, I'll shake your hand.
Hannah takes another photo.
DEWEY
Oh, I love it!! (takes the camera and looks at the photo) Oh, that's gonna be one sweet customized refrigerator magnet.
HANNAH (sarcastic)
Yeep, a memory that sticks. Let's go dad.
Robby and Hannah turn to leave.
DEWEY
Hey, wait, wait, wait! I couldn't help but overhear your predicament, and I would love to give you a ride to Towson.
HANNAH
Okay! W-w-w-wait, me too, right?
DEWEY (excited)
Sure, I got plenty of room! Let's go, come on! (he leads them out the door) Hey, everybody, look, it's Robby Ray, man! I get to rock out with Robby Ray! (???) with Robby! ...and that girl! Come on!
Hannah follows after them.
***
Hannah is sitting in between Robby and Dewey in the ute, as they drive along on the road. I WANT MY MULLET BACK is playing loudly through the car music system. Dewey and Robby are singing along to it as they stuff their faces with pickled eggs. Hannah picks up a dirty sock and smells it, throwing it away.
ROBBY
I have not had pickled eggs this good since I don't remember when.
DEWEY
Whooaaa! Yeahhh!
ROBBY (holding up the jar of pickled eggs to Hannah)
Sure you don't want one baby girl?
HANNAH
More sure then I've been of anything in my entire life.
DEWEY
Eat it!
HANNAH
No!
DEWEY
Eat it!
HANNAH
No!
***
Back at the Stewart residence, Lilly is leaning on the back of the couch in the living room on the phone to Oliver. Jackson sits on the couch, bored.
LILLY (on the phone)
Is your head all stuffy-wuffy? Oh, and does you have a temperature? Ohhh, my poor Ollipop! No, no, I understand, I do. No, really I do. No, no, really, I understand, I do. Ohh, I love you...
Jackson takes Lilly's mobile from her and raises it to his ears.
JACKSON (fake cheerfulness)
Hey, Oliver. You know what will make you better, buddy? Chicken soup. (shares a smile with Lilly) You know what will make me feel better? This.
Jackson pushes Lilly off the couch and she falls to the ground with a bang and shriek. Jackson hangs up the conversation on the phone, taking a deep breath of relief.
LILLY (getting to her feet)
Give me back my phone!
JACKSON (standing)
Uh, not until you give me back the last two hours of my life! (calm) Now, I don't mean to be a bad host...(suddenly demanding, gesturing at the door)...but GET OUT!!
LILLY
Okay...no, all right! Miley said I could stay here until she gets here. Which should be any minute. So give me back my phone!
Lilly reaches for her phone but Jackson holds it back.
JACKSON
No, no!
LILLY
Jackson, give me back my phone!
JACKSON
Nooo!
Lilly has cornered him down to the back couch. He takes advantage of the situation, placing Lilly's mobile on the seat and then sitting on it.
JACKSON (sitting)
Be my guest. S-see, that's the old college mind working.
LILLY (laughing)
You're brilliant. You are so...I just...
Lilly picks up the home phone from the coffee table and starts dialling in a number.
LILLY
Just give me one second.
Lilly waves Jackson as she retreats away. Jackson looks annoyed.
***
Back on the never-ending car trip, Robby is now fast asleep, snoring as he leans against Hannah's shoulder.
DEWEY
You're sure you don't want to stop and see some sights along the way? You can carve your own toilet seat at (???) ...mart. Oh, shoot! It's the weekend. Man, there'll be a line.
HANNAH (sarcastic)
Oh, darn! Maybe next trip.
DEWEY
All right then.
Hannah's mobile rings.
ROBBY (dreamily, still asleep)
Yes, Heathell, I would love another piece of pie.
Hannah looks down at her father in disgust. Dewey is chewing on a jerky as he drives.
DEWEY
Man, a pie dream. I wish I was sleeping.
HANNAH
And I wish you didn't have turkey-jerky cheese breath. (answers the call) Hey, Lilly! How's it going?
The conversation cuts to and from Lilly and Hannah correspondingly, unless marked otherwise. Lilly is pacing around behind the couch, with Jackson lying down stuffing his face with food.
LILLY
Your piggy brother is driving me crazy! (about Jackson chewing with his mouth open) Ew. (back on the phone) That's how it's going. Are you in the limo yet?
HANNAH (looks at Dewey)
Not exactly. We've had a small problem.
LILLY
Oh, but you're definitely gonna' be here, right?
HANNAH
Definitely, absolutely, positively, I will be there.
LILLY
Okay.
Hannah hangs up. Robby awakens from his dream as the car suddenly pulls over to the side of the road with an abrupt stop.
ROBBY
What happened?
DEWEY
We just blew a tyre.
ROBBY (with a sigh of relief)
I thought it was me.
HANNAH
But, we do have a spare, right?
Dewey looks guilty.
DEWEY
I got a spare...
HANNAH
It's the one that just exploded, isn't it?
DEWEY
Maybe.
HANNAH
Great. We're never gonna' make it to Tooson in time.
DEWEY
Now don't you worry. I've got a hog in the back that'll get you there.
HANNAH
I am not riding to Tooson on a pig!
ROBBY
Oh, honey, I don't think that's the type of hog the man's talking about.
***
A little while later, and Robby is riding on the back of a hog-headed motorbike, tagging Miley along in a cart. She is looking at a map.
ROBBY
Yeahhh'haa!
HANNAH
Are you sure we're going the right way? Didn't Dewey say to turn back at the World's Largest (???) museum?
ROBBY
Oh, I thought he said turn right at the World's Largest (???) tower. Better check the map.
HANNAH
Okay.
Hannah holds the map up and the force of the wind blows it straight against her skin. She shrieks.
HANNAH
Who didn't see that coming?
The wind grabs the map and it goes flying behind them, out of Hannah's reach.
HANNAH
Oh, great. Now we're gonna get lost and we're never gonna make the plane in time! And the highlight of Lilly's "big night" is gonna be Jackson arm-farting happy birthday to her.
ROBBY
Oh, come on now, bud. You never know. Your brother might just rise to the occasion.
HANNAH
Pfftt.
Hannah looks away, as a scene begins to form in her mind. Jackson and Lilly are sitting at the kitchen table, a chocolate cake with decorations on it in between them. A slice has been cut out. Jackson is holding the plate.
JACKSON
Here we go. Birthday girl first.
LILLY
Oh, Jackson! You made this a birthday I’ll never forget.
JACKSON
Not yet I haven't.
Jackson reaches across with the slice of cake, and for a moment, it seems he is actually doing something nice. But, instead, he pushes Lilly's head down into the plate of cake. She looks up, with cake all over her face.
JACKSON (teasingly)
Now I have.
Jackson smiles as he forks into the slice of cake and walks off upstairs. Lilly sighs, and as Jackson leaves, drops her head back down into the cake.
Fades back to Hannah and Robby, on the road.
HANNAH
Jackson couldn't rise to the occasion if you stuffed him with yeast, rolled him in flour, and baked in for an hour.
ROBBY
There it is.
HANNAH
Oh, the airport?
ROBBY
No, the ten-foot tyre! I know exactly where we are now. Airport here we come.
HANNAH
Yeah'-ha!
ROBBY
Whooaaa, look at the size of that tyre. Imagine all the left-over rib you could wrap in that thing. Are you sure we can't just stop with the...
HANNAH (interrupting)
No!
ROBBY
Oh, come on, let me just get out and take one more...
HANNAH (interrupting)
No!
ROBBY
I could set the timer...
HANNAH (interrupting)
Daddy!
ROBBY
Okay. But I don't know what you're so worried about, we're gonna make it with plenty of time to spare.
Suddenly, the motorbike comes to a stop on the side of the road.
ROBBY (looking around innocently)
...Unless we run out of gas. (pause; Hannah stares into thin air) Isn't this where you'd normally say sweet niblets?
HANNAH (coughs)
Can't. Swallowed a bug.
***
Robby, followed closely by Hannah, approach the front porch of a hunting farm. There are bones and skins hanging up all over the place.
HANNAH (scared)
I ain't so sure about this place.
Robby steps forward and presses in on the doorbell. Instead of the normal 'ding', a didgeridoo sounds.
HANNAH
I think I've seen this exact porch in a horror film before. The stranded family walks up, and then a wild-eyed lady in a apron opens the door and says...
And before Hannah can finish, the exact thing happens. A mid-aged woman opens the door in an apron.
NORMA
Hi! (Hannah screams with shock) Oh, my stars! Look at that. I have a star on my own front porch.
HANNAH
Phew, she's a fan. It's all right. (holding out her hand) Hey, how are you doing...?
But Norma steps past Hannah and goes straight to Robby.
NORMA
Robby Ray, in the flesh.
HANNAH
What is with this state?
ROBBY
I'm sorry, ma'am, but we are in an awfully big rush to get to the airport in Tooson.
NORMA
Oh, well, good luck. The I79's backed up worse than my shower drain after I shave my legs. (to Robby) Of course, they're real smooth now.
HANNAH (freaked out)
On second thoughts, the walk will do us good. Let's go daddy.
ROBBY
Honey, but you promised Lilly. We've got to get to LA.
NORMA
LA? Why didn't you say so? I can get you to LA.
HANNAH
Unless you have a plane in your backyard, we'll never make it in time.
A cheering comes from the backyard. Norma shrugs guiltily.
***
Up in the air! Finally on the way. Norma is at the front steering, beside Hannah, and Robby is in the back.
NORMA (feeling back)
You're sure you don't want to sit up here with me Mr Hotty McYummy Pants?
ROBBY (pushing Norma's hand back; sarcastic)
Oh, Norma. You sure do know how to make a good old boy blush.
Hannah watches with disgust on her face.
HANNAH (disgusted)
And a "grossed out girl" hurl.
ROBBY
Don't mind her, Norma. She gets airsick really easily.
HANNAH (obviously sarcastic)
Yeah, that's it. (aside to Robby) Switch with me!
They both start to take off their seatbelts.
***
Back at the Stewart residence, Jackson is sitting down on the couch eating a sandwich and trying to watch TV – Lilly is pacing around in front of him.
LILLY
She's not gonna' make it. Nope, she's never gonna make it. You know, I bet she's been there trying real hard to make it, but something's gonna happen, and she's just not gonna make it, and then I'll be stuck here with you on my birthday!
All this while Jackson has been air-kicking her and dodging her figure. He stands up.
JACKSON (fake smile)
Hey, I hear their car! They're back!
LILLY
Oh, I knew she'd make it!
Lilly's face lights up as she runs outside. Jackson follows.
LILLY (calling out)
Hey, Miley, I'm so glad you made it...hey, wait! She's not out...
Lilly's been conned. Jackson shuts the front door in her face when she tries to re-enter. He locks the door, and Lilly starts yelling her complaints – none of which can be heard by Jackson. He shuts the blind down.
JACKSON (walking back in)
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on...
Lilly enters through the door by the piano.
LILLY (walking back in)
Jackson! How could you?
JACKSON
It's easy. Look, I'll show you again. (chuckles) Come on!
Jackson leads Lilly back over to the front door and opens it.
JACKSON
I say: look, they're back! And then you go: (impersonating Lilly) Oh, Miley, Miley, Miley! You made it! You made it! Eeep!
Jackson tries to push Lilly out the door.
LILLY (as she is pushed)
No, no, no, no!
Jackson gives up. Lilly is standing in the doorway.
JACKSON
Just go!
LILLY
Could I be stuck with anyone worse on my birthday?
And the answer is yes. Rico appears suddenly beside Lilly.
RICO
Heyo!
LILLY
The answer is yes.
Lilly walks off back inside, out of the doorway.
JACKSON (to Rico)
What do you want, Rico?
RICO
A jet pack, Jessica Alba, and a chance to play the (???) in the Broadway revival of Oliver. (Jackson looks at him with a bizarre face) But that's not why I'm here. (entering) I've got two courtside seats for the Lakers tonight. (taking out the tickets) And guess who has two thumbs, a dumb haircut, and is coming with me? (holding up Jackson's arm) This guy!
JACKSON
Whoa-whoa-whoa! ...What's the catch?
RICO
There's no catch.
JACKSON
Well then why do you want me to go?
RICO
Because you're my buddy. My pal. The ying to my yang. The ping to my pong. (stretches his arm out) The wind beneath my arms.
JACKSON
You mean wings?
RICO (stern)
I don't have wings, you yutz! (smiles) Anyway, enough best-friend banner. Let's get in your car and go.
Rico heads for the door.
JACKSON
Oh, I get it. You don't have a ride.
RICO
Please. I had a ride, I just chose to go with you.
JACKSON
Who was your ride?
RICO (really softly)
My mum.
JACKSON
What?
RICO (shouting)
MY MUM!!!!
Jackson points and laughs at Rico with a cheeky smirk.
RICO
If you're done laughing at me? Can we go now?
JACKSON (stops laughing)
Sure, let me get my stuff.
Jackson runs off upstairs. Lilly walks over to the couch, and with a quick sulk, rests her head down on a cushion.
RICO
What's with you?
LILLY (sooky)
It's my birthday and I'm all alone.
RICO
Oh, all alone on your birthday? There's nothing worse than that.
Rico starts clapping and heads for the door, as he calls out to Jackson:
RICO (shouting)
Come on, we gotta beat the crowd! Jackson, let's go!
Lilly shrugs at the irony of the whole thing. Rico walks out the front door. The phone rings, and Lilly answers it with a smile on her face. The image cuts correspondingly from Lilly at the house to Hannah in the plane, now sitting at the back.
LILLY (standing)
Miley, are you almost home?
HANNAH
Yeah, I'm minutes away.
LILLY (with a big smile)
How many?
HANNAH (somewhat guilty)
A couple... hundred.
LILLY (disappointed)
What?
HANNAH
Lilly, I promise I will be there.
LILLY (sighs)
No, it's fine, it's fine. You know what? 'Cause... in a few hours it won't be my birthday any more and... I mean, that's okay, 'cause in twelve months I'll have another one. Unless, of course, you're out of town, and Oliver's sick, and I'm all alone again.
Lilly sits back down on the couch and starts balling her eyes out with a sook.
HANNAH
Oh, honey. You're not completely alone. Jackson's there with you, right?
LILLY (sulking)
Jackson's bailing on me, he's going to the Lakers game.
HANNAH
Oh, you don't know. Maybe he'll change his mind. All right, gotta go, love you so much, peace out, bye!
Hannah hangs up the phone in a rush and starts dialling in her brother's cell.
HANNAH (putting the phone to her ear)
Jackson, pick up, pick up, pick up!
In the front, Robby is uncomfortably sitting next to the gazing Norma.
NORMA (to Robby)
If you look to your right, you'll see Hoover Dam. And if you look to your left, (pulls Robby's face to hers), you'll see an attractive single woman gazing at your adoringly.
Hannah watches from the back, grossed-out.
ROBBY
H-how about that dam?
Robby quickly turns away. In the back, Hannah is talking to Jackson on the phone.
HANNAH (on phone)
Jackson, please do not leave Lilly alone on her birthday. Be that caring, and considerate person that I know you are, deep down inside.
Back at the Stewart residence, Jackson comes downstairs on his mobile, chuckling. Lilly is on the couch watching TV.
JACKSON (chuckling)
Laker game and a good laugh? What a night! (hangs up)
Cuts back to the airplane, Hannah on her mobile.
HANNAH (on phone)
Jackson, please, I-- (pause) hello? Hello?! (hangs up) Dang it! (to Robby) Yeah, rise to the occasion? He is a flake and he's never gonna change! (getting up in Norma's face) Hey, Norma! Can you fly this plane any faster?
NORMA
Why would I do that? That would mean less time with Robby Ray.
ROBBY
Oh sweet niblets. Really?
NORMA
Oh, yeah! I'm your biggest fan, I'm head-over-heels for you, Robby Ray. Here, let me show you!
We cut to an exterior view of the plane – flying upside down in a circle! Norma cheers with enthusiasm, but Hannah and Robby scream with fright.
ROBBY (VO)
I'm gonna need some clean undies!
***
Jackson does up his jumper, standing at the door. Lilly is still on the couch.
JACKSON
So, uh... you're just gonna hang out here?
LILLY (upset)
Well I might as well. I mean, here, home... I'm alone wherever I am, but at least you guys have HD.
JACKSON (as if guilty for a moment)
Well...(pause)... all right then! Bye!
Jackson exits, shutting the door as he leaves. Lilly breaks out into a sulky song.
LILLY (moping; singing to herself)
Happy, happy, birthday. May all your dreams come true. And...
Lilly stands up with a smile when Jackson suddenly re-appears at the door.
LILLY
Jackson, I knew you wouldn't leave me alone on my birthday!
Lilly holds out her hands for a hug. Jackson leans down to the coffeetable.
JACKSON
Actually, I forgot my wallet.
He takes his wallet and goes to the front door.
LILLY (sad)
Okay. Go Lakers.
JACKSON
Go Lakers.
Jackson shuts the door as he leaves. Lilly sits back down on the couch and covers her face in her hands, she is about to start crying again.
***
The airplane journey is finally coming to an end. As night is falling, Norma is preparing for landing.
NORMA (into the radio)
Copy that, (???) airport. Over and out.
HANNAH (looking out the window)
There it is! There's Malibu, we're gonna make it.
NORMA
Yeah, too bad the tower didn't give us clearance to land for another three hours.
HANNAH/ROBBY (annoyed)
Three hours?!!!
NORMA (giggling "innocently")
Yep. Probably should've called ahead... my bad.
Norma shoots a suggestive look Robby's way. He looks away in fright.
HANNAH
But, we are right here! I can see my house.
Norma's temper suddenly flares:
NORMA (shouting)
I DON'T MAKE THE RULES!!! But, we might as well make the best of it.
Norma looks romantically over at Robby. She turns back to Hannah.
NORMA (demanding)
Child, why don't you just shut your eyes and take a nap?
Norma leans over and looks at Robby with a grin.
ROBBY (after a long pause)
Or, we could just sing a song. Or... a bunch of songs. Three hours worth of songs would be great.
HANNAH (ordering)
But I can't wait three hours! I need to be right there, right now!
NORMA
Look, little girl. The only way you're getting to Malibu is by strapping on a parachute and jumping.
Hannah grins. An idea has formed in her head.
***
Not to much later – Robby and Hannah are sitting in the back together, both wearing the appropriate equipment to parachute off the plane.
ROBBY
Darlin', I'm not so sure about this.
NORMA (suggestively to Robby)
I knew it. You felt it too.
ROBBY (to Hannah)
Last one down's a pickled egg!
In a flash, Robby opens the door, and without a doubt, jumps out. We hear him scream as he descends down.
HANNAH
Thanks, Norma. Look out below!
Hannah's voice descends as she to parachutes down, after her father.
***
Miley (out of her Hannah disguise) follows Robby up onto the front porch from where they landed on the beach. They are both covered in seaweed bundles.
ROBBY
Phew.
MILEY
Well at least it was a low tide.
ROBBY (as he and Miley take the seaweed off)
Yeah, I tell you. I haven't been that far off (???) since that experimental rap album I made.
MILEY
Did you really think your audience was gonna' buy you as (flicks her hands) "dee-dawgy-dawg"?
ROBBY
Could've been worse. My agent wanted to call me (flows his arms) "little gritz".
Miley shakes her head in disappointment. She steps past Robby and opens the door.
ROBBY (pondering to himself)
"Little gritz".
He follows Miley in past the piano.
MILEY (calling)
Lilly? Lilly? (sees there is no one on the couch) Dang it! Jackson must've bailed on her. Now she's probably wandering around Malibu like one of those sad, lost puppies in the sad, lost puppy movies.
ROBBY
Well, honey, you did all you could do. One thing you couldn't do was count on your brother.
Jackson arrives through the front door, with a big finger stuck on his hand and wearing a brown jersey. Miley gives him a death stare.
JACKSON
Whooaaaa! Lakers in triple-overtime. Best game EVER!
MILEY
You miserable, selfish, heartless, horrible...
Lilly, wearing a clown wig, a big finger and a brown jersey walks in with an excited scream. She did have a good birthday in the end.
LILLY
Wa-whooo! Best birthday EVER!
Lilly and Jackson high-"finger" each other.
MILEY (finishing her sentence)
...surprisingly wonderful brother! Thank you.
Miley gives Jackson a hug.
JACKSON (releasing himself from Miley's cuddle)
Uh, well, uh, I wasn't about to abandon her on her special day like some people (he and Lilly point their giant fingers at Miley).
MILEY (to Jackson)
You don't get many compliments, just take it.
JACKSON
Fine, fine.
Jackson gives his sister hug, before walking off to Robby's side. Miley walks over to Lilly.
LILLY
Jackson talked Rico into getting an extra ticket, and then he got me on the jumbo-tron, and the whole arena sang happy birthday.
MILEY
Lilly, that's awesome!
LILLY
I know!
ROBBY (to Miley)
See. I told you you could count on your brother.
MILEY
Dad, you just said that he was a...
ROBBY (aside to Jackson)
Wait right here. (aside to Miley) I just jumped out of a plane for you. You can give me this one.
He pats Miley on the back and turns to Jackson again. Lilly taps Miley on the shoulder with her giant finger.
LILLY
Hey, you know what? It's really funny, if you had gotten home on time, we would've been stuck at home watching some lame movie about a guy with gills. How funny is that?!
Miley fake laughs at Lilly, who returns it.
MILEY (sarcastic; annoyed, as she turns to Robby)
Hysterical.
Robby licks his finger and rubs it on Jackson's giant finger. Miley turns back to Lilly.
MILEY
Happy birthday.
Miley gives Lilly a hug.
***
Robby comes downstairs rapping a tune, wearing blingy clothes, the next day.
ROBBY (rapping)
# I'm a hillbilly rapper and I lay it down tight
A country boy by day and a (???) rhyme ay night.
I'm not afraid of critics, I'm a man, not a mouse
Say anything you want
Eat dawgy-dawg in the house
Jackson walks in through the front door, having overheard Robby rapping.
ROBBY
...H-h-how's it going, son?
JACKSON
You were rapping again, weren't you?
ROBBY
What can I say? I was ahead of my time. But I'm new and improved now.
JACKSON
How are you improved?
ROBBY
I got the E-dawgy dancers with me now.
Robby starts beat-boxing as Dewey and Norma, both dressed in matching hippy clothes, come down and stand either side of Robby.
DEWEY (rapping)
# Dewey-D on the left
NORMA (rapping)
# Norma-G, I'm on the right.
ROBBY (rapping)
# You put us all together, we --
NORMA/DEWEY/ROBBY (rapping together)
-- Smoke like dynamite! Boo!
The three new-found rappers finish off the verse by folding their arms appropriately.
JACKSON (mocking an elder)
You kids and your crazy music. I'll never understand it.
Jackson walks through to the kitchen. Robby, Dewey, and Norma all start beat-boxing again.
***
Hannah Montana © Walt Disney.
No infringement intended through the transcription of this episode originally written by Tom Seeley.
