3x04 - You Never Give Me My Money

Miley and Lily walk onto the beach area outside Rico's Shack to meet Oliver, and are surprised to find that the popular establishment is covered in a giant multi coloured tent. They walk over and take a seat at the table of which Oliver accompanies.

LILY
Hey Oliver, what's going on?

OLIVER
Oh well, I'm kinda getting over a cold, oh, fighting off some weaken athletes foot, oh, and uh, this new underwear my Mom just got me... they are way to tight!

MILEY
You know how we're so close, and we tell each other everything? (to Oliver) Let's not do that anymore!

LILY
Yeah, I meant what's going on at Rico's?

OLIVER
Oh, there's a tent up.

LILY
Thank you, Captain (emphasizes) Duh!

With that, as trumpets sound, a man comes racing around Rico's shack pulling off the tent to unveil Rico sitting on the counter with a sassy 1960's outfit on. Some women come out holding plates.

RICO
Olla, omigoes! Get ready for a fiesta in your mouth! It's Rrrrrrrrricos empanada extravagenza!

As traditional music plays, Rico begins to do a dance. Miley, Lily and Oliver rise and stand by him.

LILY
Hey, I'll try an empanada.

RICO
I don't sell empanadas! I sell (emphasizes) empa--annnades!

LILY
Fine! I'll have an emp--anada!

MILEY (As the ladies come over)
Oh yeah, me too. And a bottle of (emphasizes) wa-aaater!

OLIVER
OK, I'll try one too.

As they grab their food, the ladies with the plates go around to the others around the beach. Comprehensions dawn on the three teen's faces after biting into the food.

LILY (Delighted)
Ohh ...

MILEY (Delighted)
Holy ...

OLIVER (Delighted)
Wow!

Miley turns to Rico.

MILEY
Rico, these are amazing! (scrutinizes his cheek) I could kiss you!

RICO
B...bbring it on! (gestures kiss with lips)

MILEY
But I won't. Cause then I'd yak up my empanada!

RICO
Fine. (shouts) Three bucks people!

There is a loud echo of a whine from the group, with remarks such as "oh, come on". Miley finds herself out of money.

MILEY

I ... I'm all out. Can you wait until I get my allowance?

RICO
Why wait when there's other forms of payment? Which brings us back to ... (he beckons a kiss with his lips to Miley)

MILEY
Lily, lone me three bucks!

Lily passes Miley the cash and she shoves it on Rico's lips.

RICO
I love the ladies. (looking at the cash) But George Washington ... you're still the best.

He walks away embracing the cash as Miley, Lily and Oliver take a seat at the table again.

MILEY
OK ... That was way to close. I gotta' get a raise on my allowance.

LILY

Oh, you think ... (impersonates Robby) 'back when I was a boy', is going to give you more money?

OLIVER
Besides, didn't he just raise your allowance like a couple of months ago?

LILY
Yeah. And it's not his fault you blow it all on shoes. You guys had a deal.

MILEY
Yeah, but no deal is a match for the puppy dog face, watch it ... (Miley puts on a sad, hard done by puppy dog face to Lily and Oliver and speaks in a whinish tone) Please Daddy ...

***
In the Stewart household, Jackson is standing beside his father at the table in the kitchen with a similar face on to what Miley expressed just before. He speaks in the same babyish tone.

JACKSON
Please Daddy ...

Miley, Lily and Oliver stick their heads in from the door near the piano, stacked on top of each other.

ROBBY
Now don't start that again, boy. That silly puppy dog face don't walk on me anymore.

Miley raises her eyebrows.

ROBBY
Besides, I just bumped up your curfew last month.

JACKSON

This is a huge party and I'm gonna' be the only one who's gonna' have to leave early.

ROBBY
Well to bad! Back when I was a boy ...

Miley hits herself across the head, unable to believe her stupidity in the matter.

ROBBY (Continued)
If I made a deal with my Daddy, I stuck to it. Now take a page from your sister. I just raised her allowance and you don't see her come whining around asking for more money with that silly puppy dog looking face.

OLIVER (His head through the door, to Miley)
How funny is that. You were just about to go in there and whine for more money with that silly puppy dog face ... (Miley and Lily glare at him with a look) ... and I'm gonna shut up now.

Miley and Lily roll their eyes as the three of them get up and turn back away to the outside porch.

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

Miley, Oliver and Lily are sitting at the table on the porch outside the Stewart household. Miley has her feet leaning up on the table, golden sandals strapped across her feet.

MILEY (Annoyed)

Stupid sandals! "Buy me, buy me! I'm expensive but I'm cute!" (to sandals) I should put you at the back of the closet so you can think about what you've did you open toed little teasers!

LILY (Impersonating: sandals)

Or you could give us to Lily ... (Oliver stares at her) That would punish us!

Miley looks over at Lily.

LILY

Hey! Don't look at me, you're the one who bought the talking shoes!

OLIVER

I so need more guy friends!

MILEY (Sighs)

Now, I have to wait until I get my next allowance. I can't go anywhere! I'm trapped in it's re-run season. (punches air) Curse you cruel fate!

LILY

Oh come on Miley, you'll get through it. And we'll be right here with you.

OLIVER (To Lily)

Oh, except for the night we got that movie ...

LILY

Sssh!

MILEY (Offended)

You're going to a movie without me?

LILY

Well ... you don't have the money, and if we don't go then there'll be thre of us who are sad, now, (speaks in soft voice, placing hand on Miley's shoulder) you wouldn't want that would you?

MILEY (Soft tone)

(she places her hand on Lily's shoulder) Yes I would.

They let go of each other's shoulders.

LILY

Come on! You're Hannah stinkin' Montana! You just starred in a movie and you don't have enough money to see one! That's ridiculous!

MILEY

(taking charge) You are right! I am Hannah stinkin' Montana and I'm going to go and get myself a stinkin' raise! Wo! (she walks inside)

OLIVER

You think she's gonna get it?

LILY

No stinking way!

***

Miley walks into the kitchen to find Robby and Jackson sitting at the kitchen table.

MILEY

Daddy, I need to talk to you.

JACKSON

Ar, excuse me! But we are having a serious conversation right now. (Jackson raises his fist horizontally to his father to reveal a face drawn on with permanent marker. Jackson speaks in a sweet, soft voice) Please let Jackson go to the party! Or I'll be his only friend! And that would be sad. And weird.

Robby raises his fist to reveal a face drawn on the same as Jackson's, only with a cowboy hat perched on top. Robby accents the same voice.

ROBBY

No!

JACKSON

(Rises from seat) You are the worst dad ever! (he walks away)

MILEY

Daddy, I have to talk to you.

He raises his fist with the face on it and speaks the same way as he did before.

ROBBY

What's up, partner?

She pushes the fist down.

MILEY

Alone.

ROBBY

Oh sorry, what's up bud?

MILEY

OK ... I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm just going to come out ... and say it. Lay it all the table! Right here, right now! (pauses) Is that a new shirt?

ROBBY

Sure is! It's one of those new micro-fibres. Totally stain resistant, yet soft, stylish and tap...

As he is about to finish, Miley shouts at the top of her voice interrupting him, unable to hold it anymore.

MILEY (Shouts)

I need a raise in my allowance!

ROBBY (Taken aback)

What?

MILEY

I know you just gave me one, but I'm sixteen now. I mean you can trust me with a car, and you can't trust me with just a little Hannah money! I mean, I'm not talking crazy cash, just like a ten ... or a twenty.

ROBBY

How's five thousand dollars sound?

MILEY (Shocked)

Daddy's who's wallet's even tighter than his jeans say what?

ROBBY (As he puts his plate on the bench and goes to get a cheque)

Yeah, I mean you are getting older. You do work hard for your money. You're a responsible young lady, and dang-flab-it! I think you deserve it.

MILEY

I do? I mean - (changes tone to more suitable approach, tuts) yeah, I do! (gets excited) I am totally responsible enough to hand five thousand smack-e-rooneys!

ROBBY

(Hands her the cheque) Alright then. I say first thing tomorrow morning we stop your allowance you take that down to the bank and open up your very own checking account.

Miley, excited, goes around and embraces her father in a hug.

MILEY

Oh daddy, thank you so much, you will not regret this, I promise! I'm getting tears on your new shirt, I'm sorry.

ROBBY

Oh, that's OK ... look, the tears bead right off. That's the micro fibre at work.

MILEY

(Referring to the cheque) I cannot wait to tell Lily and Oliver.

ROBBY

Ar .. something tells me they already know.

They turn around and see that Lily and Oliver are dancing wildly with excitment outside on porch outside. As Lily and Oliver notice they are being watched, they back away.

***

Later on in the kitchen, Robby pours some red soda over his shirt across the sink as Jackson walks in.

JACKSON

Well, well, well.

ROBBY

Wow! Look at those micro fibres work, son. I sure could've used this shirt when you kids were potty training. You were like an out of control fire hoze!

JACKSON

I don't want to hear any more of your stories, Mr. "Back when I was a Boy". You won't change my curfew, but when Miley asks for more money it's, "anything for my favorite". That hurts. Bad. (turns away, smiling, but speaks in a hurt voice) That's why I stop growing. You need love to grow!

ROBBY

You know what son. I feel your "fake" pain, so I'm going to fake like a bought it. I'm going to raise your curfew.

Jackson's expression turns from hurt to over joyed.

JACKSON

You ... oh, come here you big old slice of southern fried wonderful! (embraces his father in a hug)

ROBBY

Just make sure you take your cell phone with you in case I need to get a hold of you.

JACKSON

Ar ... sure ... (Jackson feels through his pockets) What possible reason would I have to say no to that perfectly reasonable request? (turns to lounge) Heaven, this room is a mess! (scowers living room)

ROBBY

You lost your phone again, didn't you?

JACKSON

No! I know exactly where it is ... it's ... charging ... in it's special ... you know ... charging place. Would you excuse me? (he starts for upstairs)

ROBBY

You looking for something?

JACKSON

(turns back) Like what? My cell phone because I lost it or something? You wish! (consistent laughter, as he grabs up the house phone and races upstairs, most likely to call the number of his cell to locate it).

As Jackson goes, Robby goes to the fridge to put the soda bottle away. As he does so, the egg carton begins to ring like a phone. He puts the soda away and opens the carton to reveal Jackson's cell phone ringing off.

ROBBY

You know what, if the boy didn't know already know where his phone was then I'd tell him. But since he knows "egg-zactly" where it is ... (puts the carton back in fridge, commending himself) Oh, Robby Ray, you know yolk-ster! He, he, he!

***

At the Beverly Hills National Bank, Lily and Oliver are in Ajay's office waiting for Miley to choose which book she wants.

LILY

Oh, what about these cheques with the romantic couple walking on the beach?

AJAY

Excellent choice, very popular. (he grins at them)

MILEY

No, I don't need to be reminded every time I go to write a cheque that I don't have a boyfriend.

AJAY

Perfectly understandable. (he grins again)

OLIVER

Ar, you know what, I'd go with the eagle, because it's strong, majestic ... independent.

MILEY

No, when I see bird, I think poop.

AJAY

I'll get another book for you, Miss Stewart. (he takes the folder from Miley and walks away)

MILEY

(Mocking Ajay's tone) That would be great Ajay! (as Ajay is gone) you see that, he called me

Miss Stewart.

LILY

Ar, no, I think he called you "Miss Stewart" (grins)

MILEY

Who cares? Like my dad, he realizes that I am a mature, responsible adult, totally capable of handling finiancial matters. (Ajay hands Miley a new folder) Oh, kitty playing with yarn! Cute!

OLIVER

Cute!

MILEY

Ignore him. I'll take the kitties. (hands Ajay the folder)

AJAY

Let me just order those for you.

He walks away.

OLIVER

That was weird, he didn't smile.

Ajay suddenly walks back in.

AJAY

Oops almost forgot ... (he repeats his smile, walking out again)

MILEY

I cannot believe I am about to have my very own checking account with five thousand smak-a-rooneys in it!

Miley and Lily's watchs beep.

LILY

Just in time for our ...

MILEY, LILY

"Monthly Mall Crawl".

LILY

(To Miley) I think it's so cool your dad trusts you like that.

OLIVER

My Dad still holds my hand in parking lots ... (realizes what he has said) and we're forgetting I said that right now!

Miley raises her cell phone to her ears as it rings.

MILEY

What do you want, Jackson?

***

In the Stewart living room, Jackson is balancing the couch on his back while talking on the phone. The cushions are dismissed across the floor, along with various other items.

JACKSON

Have you seen my phone?

***

Back at the bank, Miley couldn't care less.

MILEY

It's right next to the box of "I Couldn't care less".

***

Jackson is struggling even more so.

JACKSON

This is serious, I can't find it anywhere!

Finally, the couch collapses upon him. He finds himself buried underneath it.

***

Back at the bank.

MILEY

Well did you check in the living room?

***

Jackson crawls out from under the couch and speaks in annoyance, adressing the question.

MILEY

Nooo! The thought never occured to me!

***

Miley hangs up on Jackson and puts the phone back on the desk.

OLIVER

What's going on?

MILEY

Dad's given Jackson a chance for a little more responsibilty, and once again, he's blown it! See, that's the difference between us. Dad always has to test Jackson, but with me, he just trusts me ... and I cannot believe I didn't see this coming!

OLIVER

(Tuts, fake) Wow!

LILY

(Fake) Yeah, it's so obvious!

MILEY

You guys have no idea, do you?

LILY

No.

OLIVER

Not a clue.

MILEY

That sneaky hill-billy's testing me to see if I'll blow it and waste five thousand dollars on stupid things.

Ajay walks back in.

AJAY

By the way, the kitty cheques are an extra five dollars a box. (grins)

Miley's temper suddenly flares.

MILEY (Rises)

Can the kitties Mr. Happy and give me the free cheques! And wipe that smile off your face because I'm not buying it. I'm not buying anything. Oh yeah! (grins back at him)

***

Lily, Oliver and Miley walk onto the beachfront surrounding Rico's shack. Miley has purse in her hands.

LILY

So you're not going to spend any of that money? What about our Mall Crawl? We're going to have a ball! You got a lot of (I have no idea what she is saying here)

MILEY

Relax, Dr. Seuss! Of course I'm going to do the Mall Crawl, I'm just not going to buy anything.

OLIVER

You know Miley, good for you. Because that way, she can take the money and give it to the needy. For example, I needy some new kicks.

Lily kicks his behind.

LILY

Is that your size?

OLIVER

(sarcastically) I wouldn't know, I didn't feel it!

MILEY

I'm not giving the money to anybody! Remeber when my dad gave me the emergency credit card and I totally blew it? Not this time. I am not spending my money on anything dad thinks is stupid.

Rico is standing behind the counter with the same outfit he had on yesterday.

RICO

Today only, with every (emphasizes) impanada, get a complimentry drrrrrrr .... (he falls to the ground, and everyone crowds around to see if he is alright. Lily draws Miley away).

LILY

Ha, so Miley. We all know you're gonna say that you can do it, but then you're going to get to the mall and see like, some earrings, and be all like "gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!" (she pulls on her ear and sighs, mocking Miley's reaction to earrings).

MILEY

That's not going to happen. You want to know why? I'm giving you my cheque book. (she holds out her purse for Lily to claim).

LILY (Shocked)

Wow, you're serious about this.

MILEY

Yes I am.

However, Miley still has a grip on her purse and is refusing to release. Lily pulls at it, but it won't slip from Miley's hand.

LILY

Oliver, a little help here!

OLIVER

I think this a job for "Slurpy Sam, the Finger Man". (Oliver licks his finger and is set to give Miley a wet willy, but she comes to her senses and steps back, releasing the purse).

MILEY

Aargh! Byt thank you Oliver, I needed that. (she looks over and sees Robby stretching on the other side of the beach) Oh, look who just convieniently jogged in. Pathetic. Pretening to stretch so he can spy on me. Well you can stretch those hammies until they turn to bacon, Mister, because I ain't blowing it.

Robby cheerfully jogs over to greet them.

ROBBY

Hey Miley! How you doing?

MILEY (Darkly, to Lily and Oliver)

So "innocent". (turns to Robby) I'm great daddy, thank you! And F.Y.I, I won't be buying a trill, Because I have three already at home! Because I'm a smart cookie! Which I won't be buying either! Because I got it free at home! Smart! Cookie!

ROBBY

(Pats Miley on shoulder) Oikey Dokey. (he jogs off, Miley turns to Lily and Oliver)

MILEY

Check! And mate! Ha!

She struts off. When she is out of ear shot, Oliver gestures a cucko clock with his hands and face, meaning to say that she is "crazy".

OLIVER

Cucko! Cucko!

He smiles and giggles a little, hoping the same from Lily, but she just stares at him. Realizing he isn't going to get any better response from her, he follows after Miley.

***

That night, back at the Stewart household, Jackson is kneeling down beside a golden dog in the living room. He has his phone charger in his hands.

JACKSON

OK, here's the charger boy, sniff! (he puts the charger to the dog's nose) Sniff it good. OK, go get the phone!

The dog runs over to the fridge and opens it, and a preturbed Jackson follows on.

JACKSON

No, no. Phone first. Then you get your treat. (he goes over to the dog, who is now holding the egg carton) Hey, you're costing me fifty dollars an hour and I got a party to go to! Now come on, no phone, no bone! (he squats down beside the dog) You are completly worthless.

Jackson takes the egg carton and puts it back in the fridge.

JACKSON

Let me give you one more chance.

Suddenly keys can be heard rattling in the door. Jackson ushers the dog out the back door.

JACKSON

You are a disappointment to dogs everywhere!

Robby walks in with a bag full of groceries.

ROBBY

Hey Jackson! What are you doing home, I thought you'd be at your party by now.

JACKSON

(Shrugs) I did to. But I'm not. Why are you asking? (sadly, as he takes a seat at the table) Because my father doesn't trust me.

ROBBY

Oh, you don't think I trust you?

JACKSON

If you trusted me then you'd let me go to this party without having to check up on me. (comprehension dawning on his face) It's humiliating. Can't you understand that?

All this while Robby has been reaching into the fridge and taking out the egg carton that Jackson's cell phone is within. Robby opens the carton to see if the phone is still inside.

ROBBY

Oh yeah, I understand it. (walks over to Jackson with carton) So you want me to make an egg-ception? You want to go to this party knowing that I'm not going to call you to check up on you.

JACKSON

(Smiles) That would work for me.

ROBBY

Well OK then. Because I sure don't want to be "hard-boiled" about this, "scramble" (ruffles Jackson's hair) up your plans. So ar, I'm letting you go.

JACKSON

Well great!

Jackson runs out towards the front door, Robby following closely behind.

ROBBY

Yep, well if my son says I can trust him then dang flab it, I'm going to take him for his word.

Before Jackson departs, he stops in his tracks, turns back to his father, looking guilty. For a moment it looks as though he is going to admit what has happened, but no.

JACKSON

OK then. Bye!

Jackson walks out.

ROBBY

Unbelievable! (goes outside, shouting) Jackson! (notices Jackson sitting outside on the porch)

JACKSON

I lost my phone, OK? I'm not going to the party. There's the truth. Happy?

ROBBY

Yes I am! (he embraces Jackson in a hug. Jackson has to fight to break free).

JACKSON

Yes I am? What kind of a father are you?

ROBBY

A proud one! You told me the truth. And better yet - you didn't even have to! Now I know I really can trust you. Go onto your party, son.

JACKSON

Well thanks, dad. And I promise, from now on, total honesty!

Robby gives his son a thumbs up, as a barking is heard from inside the house. Robby turns to find the golden dog that Jackson was training before is sitting on the couch with the egg carton sticking out of his mouth.

ROBBY

Jackson, what is that dog doing on my couch?

JACKSON

I have no idea! Bye! (he runs off)

Robby walks back into the house and talks to the dog.

ROBBY

I don't know who you are. But would you mind taking my son's cell phone out to him?

The dog jumps off the couch and runs after Jackson. Robby closes the door after him.

ROBBY

If only Jackson were that trainable.

***

At the mall, Miley and Lily walk into the jewelry store.

LILY

Wow. We've crawled through half the mall and you haven't asked for your cheque book once.

MILEY

Yeah, that's because I don't need it! And you want to know something else? It feels good not to buy anything. To longer be one of those weak, spineless consumers that these malls pray on.

Oliver walks in holding bags of clothes, unable to keep his balance. He is wearing a silvery hat.

OLIVER

You guys like my new hat? Bought five!

A voice speaking over the intercom is heard.

INTERCOM [V/O]

Attention shoppers. Forty percent off all mens sporting goods.

OLIVER

It's like they know I'm here!

He walks off grinning.

MILEY

I used to be like that. (they begin to walk) So sad. If only he had my strength, my will power. I mean, there is nothing in this entire mall that could get me to look at you and say ... (a light shines upon a giant pearl shell of make up powder)

VOICE [V/O]

Yes, it's pearls by Henri. The finest make up in the world.

MILEY (gasps, to Lily)

Give me my cheque book!

LILY

Miley, you don't want to do this.

MILEY

But it's pearls by Henri! The finest make up in the world! Come on!

LILY

(firmly) No.

Miley grabs a golden bag up from the shelf.

MILEY

Lily! It's gift with purchase. (she puts on her "puppy" dog face)

LILY

The puppy dog face? Really Miley, no. You're not getting your cheque book.

MILEY (Annoyed)

Fine. Keep my cheque book. (expression changes- I don't need it, I got something better than money.

She walks over to a young girl and her mother. The young girl is singing a Hannah Montana song, "Supergirl" and wearing a blonde concert wig.

GIRL

When I'm walking around, everybody stops. Cameras flashing, people fighting for the best shot. They like my hair ...

Miley tears the wig from the girls head.

MILEY

You wear this thing to long, it'll give you a head rash. Believe me honey, I know.

The girl and her mother walk away. Lily is on her mobile phone to Oliver behind where she and Miley were standing before.

LILY (On phone)

Oliver! I need you! Oh, I don't care if footballs are two for one, get over here!

She hangs up. Miley comes walking over to the saleswoman by the make up in the blonde wig.

MILEY

Hello, I'm Hannah Montana, and I just wanted to know if I could get some free samples ... you know, like a celebrity endorsement.

The mother and daughter sneak up behind her, and the mother tears off the wig.

MOTHER

You should be ashamed!

The girl stomps on Miley's foot.

MILEY

Ouch!

The mother and daughter walk off.

LILY

Miley. Look at yourself.

Miley turns around to face Lily, speaking in a possessed tone.

MILEY

Miley isn't here anymore! Give me my cheque book!

LILY

Eeep!

Lily runs over behind a pole, dodging Miley's moves. Oliver walks in with football gear on.

LILY

Oliver! Go deep!

OLIVER

I'm open!

Lily chucks the purse over to Oliver, and Miley reaches for it as it goes slowly through the air. She catches it but lands in a giant pearl shell of powder. The pearls' lid closes. It opens again to reveal Miley lying covered in powder.

MILEY

What do you think, a little to much?

***

Robby is using the air from the chainsaw to get rid of the powder on Miley's body outside on the front porch, her eyes covered. He stops the chainsaw following completion.

ROBBY

There you go, darling. I think that got her done. I kind of prefer the no make up look anyway!

MILEY

Daddy, stop being so nice to me, I know you're disappointed. Just come right out and say it.

ROBBY

Mile --

MILEY

Exactly! You gave me more responsibility and I blew it. It's the credit card thing all over again, ain't that right?

ROBBY

Listen, darl --

Yet again Miley interrupts him mid sentence.

MILEY

I know! You would think I'd learn by now but obviously I haven't.

ROBBY

You know bud, it's ...

MILEY

Dad! I get it! OK! You don't have to go on, and on, and on ...

ROBBY

I'm not disappointed in you!

MILEY

Go on!

ROBBY

The only reason you couldn't handle this money, is because you didn't trust yourself as much as I trust you.

MILEY

What?

ROBBY

I didn't give you the five thousand dollars wondering if you were ready for it. I gave it to you because I knew you were.

MILEY

If I was so ready, why do I still have powder in my pits?

ROBBY

(smiles) Now that's because you didn't raise you arms when I asked you to.

MILEY

This isn't funny.

The two of them take a seat on the chair outside the window.

ROBBY

Mile. You've always had me there to say no for you. But now - you've got to learn how to say it for yourself. The problem is that you have to remember ... sometimes it's OK to say yes. Unless you're talking about boys, because then the answer's always no.

MILEY

Dad?!

ROBBY

Always! I'm just saying that handling money is just like everything else in life. You just got to find the right balance.

MILEY

So you're saying it would've been OK for me to say yes to the make up and the belt, just as long as I said no to the sunglasses, shoes and ... the other belt.

ROBBY

And the boys! Always say no to the boys.

MILEY

(Fake) If it gets you through the day daddy.

***

Robby is sitting at the kitchen table eating some food.

ROBBY

No, no, no. We had an agreement and that's that. Back when I was a boy if I made a deal with my daddy we stuck to it. Oh, now don't go giving me that puppy dog face again because it ain't going to work!

The person Robby is talking to is revealed to be the golden dog from earlier - sitting beside him with a napkin across his neck. The dog purrs.

ROBBY

(Giving in) Oh all right, but don't tell Jackson. (he puts the spoon of food in the dog's mouth)

Hannah Montana ©
to the Walt Disney Company. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.

3x03 - Don't Go Breaking My Tooth

In a television studio - Tasty Treats with Duncan Keats. Duncan is standing a table presenting his latest meal.

DUNCAN

There it is. Rack of lamb with a mint rosemary pasto.

We can now see Duncan through a television screen in the Stewart kitchen. Miley is watching the televison - Jackson is looking in the fridge and Robby is reading the newspaper

DUNCAN

You know back in high school I kissed a girl named Rosemary Pasto. She could've used a mint. (through consistent laughter) Her breath was very bad.

MILEY

Oh my gosh, that totally reminds me of when I kissed ...

She remembers that her father is sitting beside her and turns to him with a grin.

MILEY

Nobody. Absolutely nobody. I didn't kiss anyone.

ROBBY

I love our relationship. You pretend you don't kiss boys ... and I pretend I believe you.

Miley turns back to the portable screen.

DUNCAN

Join me tomorrow on Tasty Treats with Duncan Keats where my special guest will be Will Smith and a very unlucky turkey. Ha, ha, ha.

Back in the Stewart kitchen, Miley dips some pickles in peanut butter. Robby stares bizarrely. Miley speaks with her mouth full of food.

MILEY

I could so be on that show, I know tasty treats!

ROBBY

Mile, don't talk with your mouth full, you're getting that pickled butter all over my comics.

MILEY

Sorry.

ROBBY

I can't even read Garfield's thought bubbles.

Jackson turns around from the fridge with milk in one hand, some type of food hanging from his mouth and another handful of packaged food. He takes a seat at the dining table.

JACKSON (Mouth full)

I know dad - the girl eats like a pig. You must be so disappointed.

ROBBY

With a son like you, a man learns to live with it.

Miley rubs her finger against a tooth.

MILEY

Ah, I got a peanut chunk stuck in my tooth.

ROBBY

Well why don't you go upstairs and get some floss?

MILEY

Why would I do that when I've got a perfectly good fork here?

Miley sticks the fork in her mouth.

ROBBY

Miley, don't do that, you're gonna' hurt yourself.

MILEY

I am not. I think I'm old enough to get a peanut chunk out of my mouth alone.

ROBBY

Mile --

Suddenly a cracking noise is heard from the inside of her mouth. Miley pauses her actions with the fork and begins to walk over to the table.

ROBBY

The fork is stuck in your teeth, isn't it?

MILEY

No ... (turns to Jackson) help me!

Jackson grabs the fork sticking out of Miley's mouth and wobbles it from side to side.

JACKSON

Ar, ar, ar.

ROBBY (Walks over)

Mile, let me help you with that before you crack a tooth.

MILEY

No, I am not going to crack a tooth!

With a final nudge, the fork jumps out of Miley's mouth, and a tooth lands on Jackson's nose. Jackson goes crossed eyed looking at it.

JACKSON

But she might loose a filling!

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHEL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY RAY CYRUS

***

In the Stewart kitchen, Miley is leaning against the bench examining her tooth through a pocket mirror, while Robby is on the phone.

ROBBY (On phone)

Yeah, Tim, I'm really sorry buddy, I was looking forward to playing on your album to... but I got to take my baby girl to the dentist this afternoon. (Miley looks over at him horrified) Alright buddy, I'll talk to you later, bye.

MILEY (To Jackson)

I can't believe this. He just told Tim McGragh I'm a baby. (Turns to Robby) Dad! I am gonna be twenty one in (counts on fingers) six years!

JACKSON (Speaks in tiny, whiny voice)

Oh, so much math for such a widdle girl! (Thumbs up)

MILEY

Shut up! (Turns to Robby) Dad, I am totally capable of going to the dentist without you.

JACKSON

(Through consistent laughter) You ... to the dentist ... without dad!

MILEY (Walks over to him)

That is not funny, Jackson. I perform in front of thousands of people without him... I can sure as heck go to the dentist without him Dad.

Jackson is now leaning over away from Miley having a laughing fit, face red. Miley kicks him from behind and he falls through the fence. Miley shuts the door behind him and turns to Robby.

MILEY

If you love me, you'll never let him back in.

ROBBY

Now darlin', I see how fast you're growing up, and I'm proud of you. But we both know how scared you get at the dentist.

MILEY

Dad! That's when I was a kid.

ROBBY

I was talking about last month.

A flashback begins.

***

Miley is sitting in the bed at the dentist, her father with kitty ears and a nose on sitting next to her. Miley sits in anxiety with her lips shut.

ROBBY

Just relax, honey. Dr. Cuddly Cats is just going to clean your teeth.

The dentist turns around to be a man dressed in various kitty costumes.

DR. CUDDLY CATS

OK, sweetie, open your "meow-outh".

Miley shakes her head.

ROBBY

Come on sweetie, you heard him. Say "meow".

As Dr. Cuddly Cats begins to turn the suctions on and the vibrations are heard, Robby continues to make a purring sound.

ROBBY

Meo .... (Miley grips his neck harshly) argh!

***

Back to the present, Miley is in the kitchen with her father.

MILEY

Dad, can we please stop living in the past? I'm gonna' be driving soon, I'm practically an adult. And I am making an adult decision. You are playing with Tim McGragh, and I am going to the dentist without you.

Jackson is leaning against the window, laughing his head off yet again. Miley takes some food off the table and chucks it over at his head, as he retreats to the ground.

ROBBY

That was my dinner!

***

Lily is sitting along the bench at Rico's shack enjoying a hot dog. Rico is standing behind the counter.

RICO

Hey, would you like some mustard or ketchup with that?

LILY

Oh yeah, I could use some mustard.

RICO

Don't have any.

LILY

Well how about some ketchup?

RICO

All out!

LILY

Then why did you ask?

RICO (Defensively)

Well excuse me for trying to be polite!

Oliver and Joannie walk over past Rico's shack holding hands, heading towards the beach with a basket.

LILY

Hey guys!

JOANNIE

Lily! How can you eat that stuff?

OLIVER

Yeah, don't you guys know that red meat is a major contributer to clogged arteries? (!)

LILY

Oh sorry, when we got cable, we didn't get the "bore you to tears" package.

Lily takes a big, slow bite into her hot dog.

JOANNIE

Suit yourself. But while you're drowning in cholesterol, we'll be down at the beach, having a healthy (Oliver beckons as she speaks) vege salad with green beans, peas, and ar ... hikamah!

Lily and Rico share a look.

JOANNIE

Well come on, Oliver.

OLIVER

OK ... you know what, Joannie, why don't you ... why don't you go and find us a good spot and I'll grab us some drinks.

JOANNIE (Takes basket)

Oh, OK ... I'll miss you.

OLIVER

I'll miss you more! (Turns to Lily and Rico) I am so sikamah of hikamuh!

LILY

Then you shouldn't of told Joannie you wouldn't eat meat.

OLIVER

I did for love! Bland, tasteless ... vegetarian love.

Lily burps, raising her hand to her mouth.

LILY

Oh, excuse me.

Oliver begins to sniff around Lily.

OLIVER

Oh! Hot dog burp!

LILY

Get away from me! I can't believe you're doing all this for a girl that hasn't even kissed you yet.

RICO

Wow, wow, back up the love train engineer Bob! Someone forgot to get off at Looserville!

Rico and Lily laugh together and terrorist hand-shake each other.

OLIVER

She's taking it slow, OK! She's been burned a couple of times in the past and (shrugs) she wants to make sure I'm not a freak. (Pause) Burp on me again!

LILY (Sarcastically)

Yep, you are quite a catch!

OLIVER

OK, you know what, I'm gonna' be worthy of her trust. Alright! I can do this!

He grabs the two bottles of water on the counter and is set to walk off, but he turns back.

OLIVER

Could you just ...

LILY

Fine! (breathes out deeply and Oliver sniffs it up)

OLIVER

Oh yeah, that oughta' hold me for now! (Runs off)

Lily turns back to Rico, who is standing behind the counter deviously.

LILY

Rico, I know that look. Don't mess with Oliver!

RICO (As though he is plotting something)

I'm not gonna' mess with him! In fact, I'm gonna' change the menu to fit his specific needs ... (Smiles sinisterly)

***

Rico is standing in front of a barbeque with a shirt reading "I love Meat", and has sausages around his neck. Many people are gathered around him.

RICO

Welcome to Rico's Meat mania! All meat, all the time.

Oliver comes up from the beach and sees the gathering.

RICO

(glares at Oliver) Just for you. (Sniffs patty) Oh yes.

Oliver falls to his knees as Joannie comes up behind him.

OLIVER

It's the promised land!

JOANNIE

Oliver, what's the matter?

OLIVER

I dropped a contact meat. (corrects himself) lens. I dropped a contact lens. Let's walk the other f-way (corrects himself) way.

He looks over and sees Rico sniffing up the meat. Oliver stares for a moment as Joannie continues to walk on.

JOANNIE

Oliver?

OLIVER (Walks off)

Yes dear.

He follows on after Joannie, looking over at the meat as he walks. He crashes into a table. The group gathered around Rico look on and laugh at him.

***

At the Dental Care Centre, Miley and Jackson are sitting on tiny kiddy chairs in the waiting room.

JACKSON

You know what the best part of having you as a sister is?

MILEY (Smiling)

No, what?

JACKSON

I was hoping you could tell me, cause I got nothing!

Miley flares with anger back at him.

MILEY

So what, you had to drive me here! Quit whining! Just be happy we finally found you a chair where your feet touch the ground.

JACKSON

I hope they run out of Novocain. (gestures with hand drilling in his mouth and cries out in pain).

A little girl sitting behind them screams in fright. Jackson stops when her mother comes over.

MOTHER

Thanks a lot!

JACKSON

Sorry!

MILEY

Don't worry about it, sweetie, he makes all the girls cry.

The mother picks the girl up, and as they walk away, the Dental Hygienist comes out of the office and goes over to Miley.

DENTAL HYGIENIST

Miley! Dr. Froman is ready for you.

MILEY

Froman? No, see ... I think you're making a mistake. My dentist is Dr. Reynolds, you know, about "yay" high, curly hair, always wears the kitty ears. Says open your "meow".

DENTAL HYGIENIST

Oh, I'm sorry, he's "me-out" today. (giggles) But Dr. Froman's subbing and he is an excellent dentist.

Miley begins to hug herself and speaks jitteringly.

MILEY

Um ... OK ... I ... I can do that.

JACKSON

Do you want me to call your daddy?

The Dental Hygienist giggles and Miley pushes Jackson off his seat.

***

Miley is sitting on the bed in the dentist's room as Dr. Froman sits beside her.

DR. FROMAN

OK, Molly ... Open up and lets see what we've got.

He begins to move the dental spoon near her mouth.

MILEY

Wow, wow, wow! It's Miley, and um, how about we get to know each other first?

DR. FROMAN

Fine, I'm a dentist, open up!

He attempts his previous actions once again, but Miley resists.

MILEY

No, no, no! Ar ... (stalling) how long have you been a kids dentist?

DR. FROMAN

About forty-five minutes, now can we get on with this, Milred?

MILEY

It's Miley.

DR. FROMAN

We're never gonna' see each other again, who cares? Now open!

Miley opens her mouth slightly.

MILEY

OK, um ... (through closed teeth) how's this?

DR. FROMAN

It's not open.

MILEY

Really? (pauses) Yeah, I'm getting' air through it.

DR. FROMAN

I can see that you're nervous, if it's any comfort, I am to. I don't have kids! Never really got the appeal. But since we're both here, let's ... get down, get funky.

Miley stares at him in horror.

MILEY

What?

DR. FROMAN (Hurt)

I'm trying to be relatable!

MILEY

To what, the nineteen seventies?

DR. FROMAN

Look Matilda - (Miley rolls eyes) if you'd rather see Dr. Reynolds tomorrow, I wouldn't mind. In fact, I'd be overjoyed!

MILEY

No! I have to do this, I'm not a child anymore. (Smile dawns on his face) But if wearing Dr. Reynolds kitty ears makes you less nervous ... that's cool.

DR. FROMAN

If it'll get us done, I'll wear a hula skirt and a coconut bra. (begins to dance in Hawaiian styles)

MILEY

The kitty ears a fine, thank you.

Miley grabs the kitty ears from the table and puts them across Dr. Froman's head.

MILEY

There you go. Perfect. (corrects self) Purr-fect.

DR. FROMAN

Now, let's try this again.

He tries to put the spoon on Miley's teeth, but she prevents him by saying;

MILEY

Aren't you gonna' say, "let's see your purr-ly whites?"

DR. FROMAN

Fine, "lets' see your pearly whites".

MILEY

No, it's purr. (taps kitty ears) like a kitty! Purr!

DR. FROMAN

Purr.

MILEY

Purr. Roll your tongue up.

DR. FROMAN

Purr!

MILEY

Purr! With the little ... Let's see those "purr-ly" whites.

DR. FROMAN

OK! You need to come back tomorrow.

MILEY

No! Please, I told my daddy I could do this without him. I can't go home without my tooth fixed. Please, Dr. Froman. (leans back and opens mouth) look, open wide, come on in!

DR. FROMAN

OK ... (glances in mouth) I'm just going to numb you up a bit ... (reaches for utensils to numb Miley's mouth. Comprehension slips to her scared on her face)

Miley sits up in her bed and looks up at a huge pointed needle that Dr. Froman holds up in front of her.

DR. FROMAN

You may feel a slight pinch.

MILEY

Yeah, right! Nice meeting you!

Miley jumps off her seat and flees out the door.

DR. FROMAN (After her)

You to, Mabel.

***

In the Stewart household, Miley and Lily are sitting on the couch next to each other. Miley is holding an ice pack over her cheek.

MILEY

Owwww ...

LILY (Impersonates)

Owwww ....

MILEY

Owwww ...

LILY

Owwww ...

MILEY

Lily ...

LILY

Lily ...

MILEY

I'm the one in pain here!

LILY

You think it's easy seeing you like this? Think about someone else for a change, gosh! (turns away)

MILEY

(sarcastically) I know, I am just so selfish. Shooting pain does that to a person!

LILY

Miley, you're not going to be able to keep this from your dad, you might as well just tell him.

MILEY

I can't! (accidently takes freezer from her cheek) ow, ow, ow!

LILY

Ow, ow, ow!

MILEY

Stop it!

LILY

Sorry.

She places the freezer on the coffee table and the two of them walk into the kitchen, where Jackson is skewering around.

MILEY

I already made a huge deal about how I could go to the dentist alone. If he knows that I didn't get my tooth fixed, he's going to think that I got scared and ran out.

LILY

But you did get scared and run out!

MILEY

I didn't run I walked quickly and with purpose.

Jackson walks over with a bowl of crisp chips.

JACKSON

Are you kidding me? She ran out there so fast that she left a couple of skid marks on some five year olds!

MILEY

Hey! That is only because I got stuck with doctor (impersonates voice) "Let's get down, get funky" Tomorrow I'm gonna' go to my dentist Dr. Reynolds, get my tooth fixed, and Dad will never know.

She takes a chip and instantly spits it out, crying in pain.

MILEY

Oww! (whimpers) You did that on purpose!

JACKSON

Sometimes I just get lucky.

He walks off upstairs.

LILY

Your dad's home.

She runs over to hide the freezer pack on the coffee table.

MILEY

Quick! Get rid of this ice pack!

She chucks it over to Lily and she grabs it un-expectantly.

LILY

What?

She chucks it on the couch and sits on it.

LILY

Oh, chilly on the Lily.

Robby enters the house.

ROBBY

Here's my big girl! How did it go?

Miley rolls her eyes up, devising thoughts.

MILEY (Chuckles)

Ar ... easy peasy, lemon squeezy!

ROBBY

Well I gotta' say I'm a little surprised ... and a whole lot proud!

He grabs her cheek and wiggles it from side to side.

ROBBY (Slowly)

Good for you bud, Good for you bud!

Miley's expression turns sour and she pulls free of her Dad's grip.

MILEY

Thank-you daddy. I'm feeling the love.

As they walks into the kitchen, she rubs her cheek.

ROBBY

Well I'm glad everything worked out, because I got a surprise for you. Guess what teen pop sensation gonna' be chowin' down with Duncan Keats in the morning?

MILEY (Slight laughter)

Ashley Tisdale?

ROBBY

No! They had a cancellation and I know how much you love the show so I got you in!

Winks and clicks his mouth at her, all while pointing. Lily is over on the couch rubbing her arms.

LILY

(Chilly) Oh! (Attempted normal tone) Wo-ho! Yay... Miley!

MILEY (Fake)

Yay ... me!

LILY

(Chilled) Wo!

MILEY

Wo!

LILY

Wo!

MILEY

Yeah! Wo! (Turns away from her father with worry comprehended on her face)

LILY

Wo!

MILEY

Wo!

***

The next day, at Rico's Shack, the barbeque is fallen over, the place a mess. As Rico walks over he sees Oliver slumping over the counter with meat sauces spread all over his shirt. He has chicken bones in his hands and one in his mouth.

RICO

Well, well, well. (brings Oliver's face up) If it isn't my favorite meatless meat head!

He spits the chicken bone out of his mouth as he sits up.

OLIVER

What happened? I was waiting for Joannie and then ... everything went all beefy.

Rico jumps over the counter beside Oliver. Oliver suddenly realizes what he has done.

OLIVER

Oh man, Rico! Dude, why did you do this to me?

RICO (Shrugs)

I'm rich and bored. It's just what I do!

Joannie comes walking onto the beach outside the shack and sees the mess.

JOANNIE

Oliver?

OLIVER (Goes under counter)

Oh no.

RICO

Oh, hey Jo ---

Oliver pulls Rico under. Joannie looks on in confusion. Oliver points at Rico sharply.

OLIVER

Don't. You. Dare!

RICO

How are you going to stop me?

OLIVER

One word. (Whimpers and begs) Please!

RICO

Alright, I got a heart. (Oliver sighs in relief) I'll give you thirty seconds to make a run for it!

OLIVER

Thirty seconds?

RICO

You're right. Twenty. I personally, don't think you're gonna' make it.

Oliver races off as Rico jumps and talks to Joannie.

RICO

Hello!

JOANNIE

Wow, Rico - what happened here?

RICO

Don't know. Must have been a pack of wild dogs. I'm guessing ... ten ... nine ... eight ...

Behind them a box suddenly begins to walk off with legs crawling under it.

RICO

So, ar ... where's your boyfriend?

JOANNIE

I don't know ... I was supposed to meet him here.

RICO

Really? You should call him.

At this, the box suddenly turns and pauses in it's movements.

RICO

As a matter of fact, I'll do it for you.

As Rico takes out his cell phone, the box's pace picks up as fast as it can, but it's to late ... Oliver's phone starts ringing from inside the box. Oliver drops the box completely over him.

Joannie walks over to the box.

JOANNIE

Oliver?

OLIVER

(Speaks in accent) Oliver? Oliver is not at home!

Joannie lifts the box and sees Oliver whimpering under.

OLIVER

Oh hey Joannie ... You found me. (Joannie stares at him with her arms crossed) Now it's your turn to hide. (Oliver covers his eyes with his hands) One ... two ... three ... (opens eyes) Where did Joannie go ... she's still here. (Rises) All right Joannie, I ate meat. I'm not proud of it ... but I did it, and I'm sorry.

Joannie kisses him on the cheek.

OLIVER

So you're not mad at me?

JOANNIE

You told me the truth. And that's more important to me than whether you eat meat or not.

OLIVER

Really? So all I have to do is tell you the truth?

JOANNIE

Absolutely.

The two of them hold hands as they walk off.

OLIVER

Well, your hair's greasy and would it kill you to put on a little eyeliner?

JOANNIE

Don't push it.

OLIVER (Ashamed)

Yes dear.

***

In the Tasty Treats with Duncan Keats studio, Duncan holds up a dish to the audience.

DUNCAN

There it is. Duncan's thirty-minute moose. And here's a tip: you know it's done, when you turn it over, and it stays in the bowl.

The top bit of the moose falls out of the bowl and onto the floor. Duncan puts the bowl down on the bench.

DUNCAN

OK, here's another tip: Watch Emerald, he knows what he's doing. Don't worry that was just a stunt moose. The real moose is out the back hitting on a sweet apple tart.

He rests his hand unknowingly on the stove and reflexes back.

DUNCAN

Ow, that's hot! (Pause) Don't go anywhere, because the incredible Hannah Montana is coming up next. We'll be right back.

Audience applause - and he can't turn away quick enough.

DUNCAN

Can I get some ice?

He slips over the moose on the floor as Hannah and Lola look on from backstage.

LOLA

Oh, you're a little shiny, let me get that for you.

Lola reaches for the foundation and rubs it across Hannah's cheek.

HANNAH

Oh, that's good.

LOLA

Oh, just a little more.

HANNAH (Firmly)

No, no, really, that's good.

LOLA

Just a little more.

HANNAH (Shouts)

No! That's good.

LOLA

All done.

Robby, in his disguise, walks on from behind the set laughing.

ROBBY

That Duncan is funny. It makes me wish I was a guest on the show.

HANNAH

What a great idea! (Walks to his side) You really do deserve a treat and I am overexposed as it is. (dramatically) Hannah this, Hannah that. Even I'm sick of me. Have fun in the spotlight, see you.

ROBBY

Oh no honey, we both know it's you the fans want to see chopping down.

Jackson comes in between the two of them holding a carrot.

JACKSON

I know I do!

He takes a crunchy bite out of his carrot and rubs his cheek in dramatized pain.

***

On the set, live again, Hannah dips a spoon in a dish of food that Duncan has prepared.

DUNCAN

So Hannah, tell me, what do you think? (Rapid pace) Just tell me you love it, this is TV, nobody cares about the truth. Ha, ha, ha.

Backstage, Lola, Jackson and Robby share a nod.

HANNAH

Honestly Duncan, it is delicious. (Turns to camera, speaks in soft angelic voice) Soft, creamy, and well, delicious! You could not have made me a more perfect dessert. I love you man.

The audience gives a round of applause as Hannah and Duncan share a hug.

DUNCAN (Flattered)

Oh well ...

HANNAH

Well, we're all done here, so ... thank-you ...

As she begins to walk off, Duncan stops her.

DUNCAN

Oh no, we're not all done, because I have you a very special treat.

He reaches under the bench and brings up a type of cake, presenting it to Hannah.

DUNCAN

And here it is. Oh, oh. Grandma Keats Homemade toffee bar with a hard, peanut brittle shell.

Hannah stares at it in shock as Jackson raises his hands in excitement backstage.

DUNCAN

Or as Grandma calls it, the Molar Masher.

HANNAH

Chief boy are you kidding me, say what?

DUNCAN

You're gonna' love it.

HANNAH

Ar, you know what, actually, I'm still loving the moose.

She grabs the bowl of moose and digs into it with the spoon.

HANNAH

And it's all your fault for making it so darn good.

DUNCAN

You don't know what you're missing.

He takes a piece off the food and bites into it, echoing a loud crunchy sound against his teeth. Hannah covers herself from the noise.

HANNAH

I think I do.

DUNCAN

Isn't she cute?

HANNAH

Ha, ha.

DUNCAN

So seriously, enough with the moose.

He grabs the moose from her grip, but she pulls it back.

HANNAH

But I'm not done!

They pull it back and fourth from each other.

DUNCAN

Yes you are.

HANNAH

Let loose!

Eventually, the moose flies up into the air and lands straight on top of Jackson's head, pouring all over him.

HANNAH (Gracefully, to audience)

Oopsies?

DUNCAN

Eat Grandmas' bong.

HANNAH

No thank-you, I'm good.

DUNCAN

Eat Grandma's bong! (Audience repeats) Eat grandmas' bong! Eat grandma's bong!

HANNAH

No, no, no, I'm full.

Duncan's temper suddenly flares.

DUNCAN

Eat IT!

HANNAH

Yes sir! (she stares at the giant thing) Ar ... ar ... maybe just a little taste.

He hands her a tiny piece from the top.

HANNAH

Thank-you.

Hannah takes a bite and the crunchy noise it makes echoes through her teeth, cracking. Hannah screams, in pain, louder than the studio, California ... and the Earth!

***

At the Dentist, Miley is sitting in the waiting room with her father holding a frozen fish over her cheek to cool the tooth.

ROBBY

You know, considering what happened on the show, it was awful nice of Duncan to loan you that frozen fish! Tell you what, when we get home, I might just cook it up for you! Just for the hal-abit. (Miley doesn't crack) Hal-abit!

MILEY

Dad, just cause you say it twice, doesn't make it funny.

ROBBY

Well what else could I do, you left me floundering out there! Floun-dering!

The Dental Hygienist giggles behind from behind the reception desk.

DENTAL HYGIENIST

I wish I had a boyfriend that funny!

Miley and Robby share a look.

MILEY

That's my dad!

DENTAL HYGIENIST

I know. I was just fishin. (gestures with actions) fishin!

ROBBY

Yeah. (turns to Miley) Anyhow, are, we're going to get that tooth fixed honey, don't you worry about it. I'm gonna be standing in there right beside you holding your little hand.

MILEY

Daddy, come on. I did not go through all this "molar-mashing" to be right back where I started. You're staying out here.

The Dental Hygienist walks over to them.

DENTAL HYGIENIST

Miley! The Doctor is ready for you!

MILEY

And I am ready for him!

She places the fish on the table.

MILEY

See you later daddy.

She stays sitting on the couch.

ROBBY

Mile ... (pauses) you haven't moved yet.

MILEY

Dang it, I am such a wimp.

ROBBY

Oh, you're not a wimp. You're just scared. That's OK. Remember when you were four? You were afraid to jump in a pool ... but eventually you did that. When you were eight, you were scared to ride your bike - you eventually did that. One of these days you're going to walk right through that door all by yourself. But just not today - that's OK to.

DENTAL HYGIENIST (From door)

Miley!

MILEY (Rises)

I promise daddy, next time I really will do this alone.

Robby joins her.

ROBBY

Nah, don't worry about it. Everybody grows up a their own pace.

As they walk towards the examination room, they see Jackson and young boy Jeremy playing with little toy ships.

JACKSON

I totally destroyed your shields, Jeremy!

JEREMY

Did not!

JACKSON

Did to!

JEREMY

Did not!

JACKSON

Did to!

They both turn to their dads, who are standing behind them.

JACKSON / JEREMY (Together)

Dad!

MILEY (To father)

Everyone?

ROBBY

Well, a father can dream.

The two of them precede on, as Jackson and Jeremy continue arguing.

***

Outside Rico's shack, Rico is working the barbeque gathered by people as Oliver sings a rap to Joannie.

OLIVER (Rapping)

You're a sweet young thang, and you smell so fine, you mean the world to me, I'm so happy that you're mine. Don't want no taste of sushi or chicken pot's pie, just wanna' hear you sizzle my smoking hot rib pie.

RICO (Raps)

Roast meat!

GROUP (Raps)

Say what, say what?

RICO (Raps)

Roast meat!

Oliver sits down to a table with his roast meat.

GROUP (Raps)

Say what, say what!

RICO (Raps)

Say what?

OLIVER (Continues to rap)

Some people call you fattie, but I love you just like daddy, now pop on your fork and say hello to your big daddy.

He bites the meat on the fork and Rico puts his hand on the table beside the meat.

OLIVER (Rapping)

Yo! Get your hands off my girl!

GROUP (Rapping)

Word!

Hannah Montana ©
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