Miley is fast asleep in her bed, dreaming of Lily and a cute boy sitting hand in hand on a moonlit night on the beach as waves crash in on the shore.
LILY
I’ve never been so happy!
A brief cut back to Miley smiling in her bed. Back to the dream, and the boy turns around to be Jackson!
JACKSON
Well prepare to be ecstatic!
LILY
Eeep!
Jackson and Lily slowly but surely share a passionate kiss. Miley wakes up in her bed screaming, shaking her head.
MILEY
Aarrrgh!
Miley looks around on her bed to find an empty packet of pork chips.
MILEY
I have got to stop sneaking daddy’s pork chips before bed.
She throws them dismissively on her bed and falls back to sleep.
***
The next morning, she is fast asleep under her bedclothes as Lily walks in holding various pieces of clothing on coat hangers. Lily smiles as she sees Miley sleeping.
LILY
Oh!
Lily climbs up quietly on Miley’s bed, holding her clothes still, and yells in her ear.
LILY
Miley!
Alarmed, Miley wakes up in shock.
MILEY
Aarrgh!
She falls off her bed and Lily jumps off, presenting her clothes to Miley.
LILY
Oh great, you’re up!
Miley gets herself up from the floor as Lily walks to her side.
MILEY
If you didn’t have the whole Miley/Hannah thing over me, (gestures with hand a punch) bang, gone!
LILY
(Speaks in sarcasm) Yeah, yeah, I’m shaking in my boots! Speaking of which, I can’t wait to wear these tomorrow on the Mack and Mickey in the Morning show! This is going to be so awesome! Hannah Montana and her peeps to keep her grounded! Eeep! I’m a peep!
MILEY
Did you put extra sugar on your Sugar Crunchies again?
LILY
Just a little bit! I’m so excited, I barely slept last night.
MILEY
That makes two of us. I had a dream that you would not believe. You were about to kiss … oh, I can’t even say it.
LILY
Who was I about to kiss?
Miley gestures vomiting, clutching her hands tightly over her neck.
MILEY
Jackson! Blaaaa! (Turns to see Lily is not as grossed out as she is) Why aren’t you “blaaing” with me?
LILY
Well …
MILEY
“Well” is not an option. It’s either ‘blaa’ or ‘errr’. Pick one.
LILY
But … I kinda’ like him.
MILEY
Jackson loving freak of nature say what?
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY RAY CYRUS
***
Back in Miley’s room, Lily is pleading her case.
LILY
Well, Jackson is kinda cute.
MILEY
Lily! This is crazy! You always found him completely repulsive! That’s one of things I loved most about you. (Miley rubs Lily’s temples)
LILY
(Alarmed, backs away) I was only doing that because of you! Inside I was always thinking something else.
MILEY
Hey, you want to hear my inner thoughts? Lily … (gestures ‘crazy’ with her fingers) Boing! Why didn’t you tell me?
LILY
I didn’t tell you because I knew I’d get a (repeats Miley’s gestures) Boing!
Lily turns away.
MILEY
Don’t you (repeats gestures) boing! And walk away from me! Get back here!
Lily exits Miley’s room and walks onto the space upstairs between Miley and Jackson’s room. Jackson walks out of his room coughing.
JACKSON
Wow! You do not want to go in there!
Lily stares at him dreamily as he walks off.
MILEY
Oh, come on!
***
At Rico’s, Jackson is wiping a tray, Miley, Lily and Oliver sitting on a table outside the bench. Miley stares in disgust and Lily continually stares
dreamily at Jackson. Miley slaps Lily’s shoulder to get her attention.
MILEY
Stop that!
Alarmed, Lily turns back.
LILY
Ow! (She rubs her shoulder softly)
MILEY (To Oliver)
Oliver, tell her how ridiculous this is.
OLIVER
Miley, can you tell the sun not to rise in the morning? I mean, can you tell a wave not to crash on the shore?
MILEY
You been watching soap opera’s again?
OLIVER
No! No! It’s … my grandma, she’s in town visiting. She, um … (begins to speak rapidly and defensively) OK, Storm and Erica just came out of their coma and I had to find out if they remember their passion for each other.
He leans back on his seat, but then sits up again and grabs Miley’s shoulder, speaking in a childish, joyful and tickled voice, he says:
OLIVER
And they did!
Miley puts on a fake grin.
MILEY
(Sarcastically) Yay! Hey, um, Oliver, what are you doing tomorrow
OLIVER
Are you kidding? I’m one of your peeps on the Mack and Mickey in the morning show tomorrow!
MILEY (Looks away)
Dang it, I did invite you.
Cuts to Jackson – who is now standing outside the shack reaching down to a little puppy.
JACKSON
Oh, are you lost little guy? Huh?
He picks up the puppy and Lily watches with delight.
JACKSON
Let’s go find your mummy, yes we will.
He walks past the table that Miley, Jackson and Lily are sitting at, waving the dogs paws at them.
JACKSON
Hey everybody!
LILY (Waves)
Hi! (Jackson walks off) Oh …
MILEY
Lily! Please! Lord Voldermort would look cute with the puppy. Snap out of it!
LILY
You know, this is all your fault anyway. You’re the one who had that stupid dream. I was perfectly happing crushing in silence and stealing hair off the brush when no one was looking.
MILEY
(Disgusted) What? (Lily looks guilty) And by ‘what’, I mean, ‘ew’!
OLIVER
OK, look Lily, what I think Miley is trying to say is that … you know everybody crushes on someone who doesn’t like them back. (Pause) You just got to suck it up … (expression dawns on his face) and you gotta move on.
Lily and Miley stare at him blank of expression.
OLIVER
(Defensively) Look, I’m sorry, but getting rejected by the entire girl softball team, it stings a little bit!
LILY
Come on Oliver, you didn’t get rejected by the entire softball team.
Pause.
MILEY
Lily, they hired a (???)
OLIVER
Oh!
LILY
Well, uh, we don’t know that Jackson doesn’t like me back.
MILEY
And … if you did know, he didn’t like you back, could you move on to someone, oh, I don’t know, human?
LILY
Well I guess I’d have to.
MILEY
(Grabs up her bag) Alright, let’s go talk to him.
She attempts to walk off, but Lily jumps in front of her.
LILY
What! No, no, no, no, no! That’s a terrible idea! You know there are certain things in life a girl just has to do alone. You go talk to him and tell me what he says.
MILEY
OK fine, but don’t get your hopes up. For him to like you back he would have to have taste, depth, and intelligence. We’re talking about a guy who once ate the Farmer’s Jam jar.
***
In the Stewart household, Robby is playing the guitar on the couch, humming a tune, when the doorbell rings. Guitar in hand, he goes to answer it.
DELIVERY MAN
Robby Stewart?
ROBBY
That would be me. (As the Delivery Man is about to hand Robby the parcel, he begins playing a tune on the guitar) First, tell me what you think of this.
I’m Super Cute
Super Hot
I’m the girl you like a lot
I’m super girl
I’m super, super girl
What do you think?
DELIVERY MAN
I think you’re super super weird.
Robby takes the parcel off the Delivery Man and he shoots out the door. Robby yells out after him.
ROBBY
The gardener loved it!
As he retreats back to the living room, Miley comes racing in from the other door.
ROBBY
Hey Mile, I got your information for the Mack and Mickey show tomorrow. Limo’s picking you up by seven.
MILEY (Distressed)
Have you seen Jackson? I need to find him and tell him that Lily’s crushing on him.
She turns to go upstairs, but Robby stops her.
ROBBY
She is? Well I just think that’s adorable!
MILEY
Am I the only one that remembers the jam jar?
ROBBY
Oh come on Mile, what’s so weird about Lily liking your brother?
Jackson comes walking in from the back door.
JACKSON
Does puppy pee stain?
ROBBY
Asked, and answered. I swear, with my as an example, I just don’t know how he turned out so ‘odd’. (He walks away singing)
I’m super cute
Super Hot
I’m the girl you like a lot
I’m super super girl.
I’m super super girl
Yeah!
It’s catchy, isn’t it!
MILEY
Hey Jackson …
JACKSON
Hold on, just a sec.
He is wrestling to get his shirt off.
JACKSON
Dang flab it! (His shirt is now stuck against his forehead) This is why I don’t change my shirt everyday!
Finally, he hauls it off.
MILEY
What does that girl see in you?
JACKSON
What girl? There’s a girl? Is she cute? Average, below average? I’m not desperate, it’s just … you know, it’s been a while.
MILEY
(Laughs) It’s … (Laughs again) You’re not going to believe this … it’s Lily! (Laughs) She’s crushing on you.
JACKSON
Lily?
MILEY
I know! I don’t get it either!
JACKSON
But she’s like … a sister. Y’know, sort of like you, except without the enormous ego and no hint of a girl stach.
Miley covers the skin between her top lip and her nose in shock.
MILEY
It’s peach fuzz, it’s cute, and it’s not what we’re talking about here. (She takes her hand down) OK, so … can you just tell me that you don’t think about her that way, and Lily and I can go back to being normal, and you can go back to doing what you do best. Being a disgrace to the Stewart family name.
JACKSON
Fine. I don’t think about Lily that way.
MILEY
Great! I’ll go tell her.
She heads for the door, but as Jackson mutters, she hesitates back.
JACKSON
Huh?
MILEY
‘Huh’ what?
JACKSON
I’m starting to think about Lily that way.
MILEY
No! No, no, no! Wrong way, go back – (she begins to push him back, literally) Beep, beep, beep!
JACKSON (As Miley releases)
Wow, wow, wow. She’s cute, she’s smart … she’s not a kid anymore. Jackson likey.
MILEY
And Miley pukey.
JACKSON
Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta’ groom for my new lady.
As he heads up the stairs, he throws his t shirt behind him and it lands on Miley.
MILEY
Aargh!
She gets it off her head and examines it.
MILEY
Who gave that dog asparagus?
***
Outside Rico’s shack, Lily is meditating, eyes shut.
LILY
Omm, it doesn’t matter if he likes me. Omm, whatever happens if for the best. Omm, I could always get a cat. Omm,
Miley creeps up behind her.
MILEY
Lily?
LILY
Omm, cute little kitty from the pound.
Miley begins to yell in her ear.
MILEY
Lily!
Shocked, Lily springs off her towel and rolls down the hill of sand.
LILY
Aargh!
As she picks herself up, Miley comes down after her.
MILEY (Harmonic voice)
Omm, now we’re even for the bed thing.
LILY (Ecstatic)
What did he say? Tell me everything!
MILEY
Ok, he –
LILY (Interrupts)
No, just tell me if he likes me.
MILEY
OK, he –
LILY (Interrupts)
No, start at the beginning …
MILEY (Begins to loose patience)
OK, he –
LILY (Interrupts)
No, forget that, just skip to the end!
MILEY
Will you make up your mind?
LILY
I can’t, you pick.
MILEY
OK … I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this … but, he um …
LILY
Oh my gosh, he does like me! (Turns away, Miley follows) This is going to change everything! Can’t you just see it? (Lily points up in the sky)
MILEY
No!
LILY
It’s right up there, see? (Lily spins Miley’s head around)
***
Jackson and Lily are sitting on the couch in the Stewart living room, eating burgers.
JACKSON
This is so good!
LILY
SO good!
JACKSON
You are so cute!
LILY
You are so cute!
The two of them reach down to the table in front of the couch and handle an oversized cup of soft drink, with two straws on each side. They begin to sip at it, looking at each other dreamily and romantically. They put it back on the table.
LILY / JACKSON
I … LOVE … YOU!
Jackson rubs some food off Lily’s cheek.
LILY
Oh, thank-you.
***
Back to the present, Lily is glaring into thin air dreamily with her hand over her heart, while Miley is staring in disgrace.
LILY (Turns to Miley)
What’d he say? I want his exact words so I can put them in my diary.
MILEY
OK, he’s exact words were … (pause) never gonna’ happen.
LILY (Let down)
Really?
MILEY
I’m sorry Lily.
LILY
It’s OK. (Starts to weep, hugs Miley, who looks guilty) It’s not your fault!
***
At the beach outside Rico’s, Miley is still cradling Lily, who is weeping.
MILEY
Lily – (she pulls Lily out from her shoulder) Listen, we don’t need guys to have fun. We’re gonna’ have fun on the Mack and Mickey show, right?
LILY
(Calms down) Yeah, you’re right. We are going to have fun. You, me, Oliver and (walks off weeping) and Jackson!
MILEY
OK, Listen, I know it hurts now, but it really is for the best!
As Lily walks off, Oliver walks by.
OLIVER
Hey Lily.
Lily attacks him and walks off. Oliver walks over to Miley.
OLIVER
What is up with her?
MILEY
I had to tell her, that, um … Jackson doesn’t like her back.
OLIVER
Oh man, that’s rough. (Pause) You know Erica had the same reaction when Storm left her for evil twin cousin. Grandma never saw it coming. (Gleefully) But I knew!
Jackson comes racing over.
JACKSON
Hey Miles, where’s Lily? The lucky winner of the Jackson love lotto.
OLIVER
What? But you just said that …
Miley nudges him at the neck.
OLIVER
Ow! Argh!
MILEY
Split end, girls hate that. (Turns to Jackson) Turns out I was wrong, she doesn’t like you.
JACKSON
She doesn’t?
OLIVER
You just told her that …
Miley repeats her previous actions on Oliver.
OLIVER
Ow! Why do you keep doing that?
MILEY
Other split end! ‘Cause it was split, you see? (Turns back to her brother) It turns out that when she said she likes Jackson, she meant she likes President Andrew Jackson. And I mean come on, who doesn’t?
JACKSON
So she doesn’t like me?
MILEY
No. When she heard that I thought she meant you, she laughed so hard …
JACKSON
(Upset) She laughed?
He turns away, Miley trying to comfort.
MILEY
Not really a laugh, it was more like a little giggle, little titter, like ‘he he he’, but less.
JACKSON (Half-smiling)
I get it.
MILEY
Come on Jackson, it’s not like you cared anywayz.
JACKSON
You’re right, I didn’t. I mean, I was just trying to be nice, ‘cause … ‘cause that’s totally the kinda guy I am. It’s gonna take a lot more than a rejection from a soft girl to get this guy down.
He turns away again.
JACKSON (To self)
You deserve love, you’re an awesome dude. (Weeping) You … deserve … love!
OLIVER (Darkly)
What did you do?
Miley just stares back stubbornly.
***
Robby walks in through the front door of the Stewart household, crossing paths with Jackson. Robby is holding a box of pizza.
ROBBY
Hey Jackson!
JACKSON (Shouts)
I deserve love, I am an awesome dude!
He storms off upstairs.
ROBBY
Okey dokey …
As he heads into the kitchen, Miley walks in.
ROBBY
Hey Mile!
MILEY (Shouts)
I did the right thing, OK!
She storms off upstairs.
ROBBY
Now a good daddy would go up their and try and figure out what’s going on. But a smart daddy would give them a chance to work it out themselves while he ate a piece of pizza.
Robby opens the pizza box on the bench and commends himself.
ROBBY
Robby Stewart – smart daddy.
He picks up a piece of pizza and bites into it, suddenly dropping it.
ROBBY
Hot, hot, hot!
***
In the Mack and Mickey in the Morning studio, Hannah is singing Let’s Get Crazy!
***
Following the song, she takes a seat with Mack and Mickey.
MICKEY
Wow! Isn’t she wonderful!
MACK
Give it up for Hannah Savanna! Are you from Savanna, is that how you got the name?
MICKEY
Oh, Mack, don’t be silly, it’s Montana!
HANNAH
Yeah, and I’m from Tennessee.
MACK
Sorry, I was never good at geometry anyway. That’s a good thing I’m easy on the eyes!
MICKEY
So Hannah. We’ve heard so many things about pop stars that have lost their ways.
HANNAH
It’s really sad, but I’ve been fortunate to …
MACK (Interrupts)
You know who else lost their way – our producer Richie driving in this morning!
MICKEY
He did!
MACK
Hey Richie, two words for you, G.P.S.! They talk to you now, like a wife, but at least you can unplug it!
HANNAH
And uh, you can’t unplug a wife!
MACK
You can’t unplug a wife! She said you can’t unplug a wife!
MICKEY
So I think what Hannah was trying to say is that she surrounds herself with good friends who help keep her grounded.
MACK
I use to have good friends. But I was just to good looking. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!
MICKEY
So Hannah, why don’t we bring out some of these wonderful friends of yours?
HANNAH
I think you’re gonna’ love them just as much as I do. Come on out, guys!
MICKEY
Bring em’ out!
MACK
Oh yes!
Waving, Mike, Lola and Jackson come from backstage, taking a seat.
HANNAH
Thank-you! Mike Stanley, Lola Lovelagle, and Jackson Stewart.
MACK
Oh.
Lola and Jackson ‘tutt’ at each other.
MICKEY
Oh, I sense a little bit of tension in the pop star’s posse.
HANNAH
Tension? What tension? There’s no tension. No, that’s just a little thing we do. Hey Lola (tutts), Hey Jackson (tutts).
MIKE
That’s right. That’s how we roll. (To Hannah) Yow itchdog! (tutts)
HANNAH
Thank-you Mike. Thank-you for the help.
MIKE
Word. (Gestures fist out in handshake, directed at Hannah, but Mack takes it)
MACK
Oh, from your mother.
HANNAH
It’s actually to your mother.
MACK
To your mother?
MICKEY
It’s to your mother
MACK
It is?
MICKEY
It is.
MACK
I never know.
HANNAH
Never know.
MICKEY
So Hannah, tell me, how do these wonderful friends of yours help keep you grounded?
HANNAH
Well I think the secret is that we all liked each other before I was famous and all like each other now.
MACK / MICKEY
Ah.
LOLA
Yeah well, we all like Hannah, and I like Mike to. (Turns and stairs at Jackson)
JACKSON
Yeah, Mike and Hannah are great. There’s nothing about them that’s laughable. (Tutts in Lola’s face, she tutts back, and then whispers to him)
LOLA (Whispers to Jackson)
We? Laughable? What are you talking about?
JACKSON
You know exactly what I’m talking about. What you said.
They begin arguing with each other, and Hannah turns hesitantly to the camera.
HANNAH
We’ll be right back.
Audience applause.
STAGE MANAGER
I guess we’re out.
MACK
Oh, sticky buns time.
He gets off his seat and races backstage.
MICKEY
What? OK … Hannah, Pardon me. You’re doing great! My kids love you. If you ever call commercial again, I’ll throat cut you. OK?
Mickey follows on after Mack.
Hannah goes and puts her hands around Mike and Lola’s shoulders.
HANNAH
Could you guys please not embarrass me in front of millions of people.
Lola turns to Jackson and Jackson turns to Lola.
LOLA / JACKSON
But he/she started it!
HANNAH
Shush! Now please, let’s just for the next fifteen minutes, focus on Hannah and her friends, and how much we all love each other.
LOLA
Sorry. I know this is none of your fault, so I’ll try to be nice, because I love you, not him.
JACKSON
OK, I’m just going to ignore that, for my sister, because none of this is her fault.
HANNAH
Right …
As Hannah sits back on her seat, Mack and Mickey come racing back into their positions.
MICKEY
Just remember Hannah, (gestures a throat cut) boop!
Mickey takes a seat as the Stage Manager goes in front of the camera.
STAGE MANAGER
And we’re back in 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 …
He exits as Mickey chucks the napkin off Mack’s suit and the audience gives a round of applause.
MICKEY
So, it sounds like you’ve all known Hannah for a really long time. Jackson, tell me, what is that you love about Hannah the most?
JACKSON
Well, ar, like all friends, Hannah and I have definitely had our fights. But when it comes down to it, I know I can always count on her.
Hannah looks down upon herself, guilty.
JACKSON
Because she’s always, always there for me.
Mickey places a hand across her heart.
HANNAH
Always … is such, such a big word.
MACK
It is a big word. Al-ways.
HANNAH
Yeah, and um, you know, if you could count on me, ‘most of the time’, you could live with that.
LOLA
Oh but we don’t have to live with it because she never lets us down. Never. Never. Never.
HANNAH
Well, see, never is like always. (Whispers to Mack) Big word. And you know what word I like better? Is occasionally, and sometimes.
LOLA
Oh but there is no sometimes with you because you always tell the truth.
JACKSON
Yeah, to me to. Even if it’s painful.
LOLA
Yeah, because that’s just the kind of person she is.
Audience applause.
HANNAH
Stop it! (Whispers to Lola) Really, stop it.
MIKE
You see, that’s the secret of real friendship. (Faces Hannah) Integrity, honesty, truth …
Long pause.
HANNAH (Admitting)
OK fine, I lied! (She turns to Lola and Jackson) The truth is … you guys both really like each other.
LOLA / JACKSON (Outraged, at Hannah)
What?! (They then turn to each other, looking into each other eyes, they speak softy) What? (They then turn back to Hannah, outraged again) What?
Hannah grins nervously.
HANNAH
Who wants to hear another song?
Mack claps, and Mickey raises her hand.
MICKEY
I do!
MACK
Me to!
She switches on her microphone, and begins to sing “True Friend”, but Jackson and Lola come and drag her on her stool backstage.
HANNAH
Help me!
***
Hannah, Lola and Jackson walk into the Stewart's house.
HANNAH
Guys, come on! How many times do I have to say that I’m sorry?
LOLA
I just still can’t believe you’d lie to me like that.
Robby comes walking down the stairs with foils in his hairs, singing “We Got the Party”. He is shocked when he sees them standing in the living room.
ROBBY
Sweet niblets, what are you guys doing home?
JACKSON
New look, hey Dad?
ROBBY
Maice couldn’t fit me in this week! Hair like this doesn’t just happen, son. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna’ go upstairs and watch some football, monster trucks, you know, man things!
He walks upstairs.
Lola walks into the kitchen, Hannah following, and Jackson.
HANNAH
Come on Lily, how many times do I have to apologize?
JACKSON
OK, it’s to late for apologies, you cold heartered killer of love.
LOLA
Yeah, I’ve never been so disappointed in you. (Walks to Jackson’s side) And you’re so cute when you show your nostrils!
JACKSON
Oh, you like that, do you? (He does so, Lola glaring romantically at them)
LOLA
Wow! Oh, are, you got a little boogie.
JACKSON
I’ll pick it when you’re not looking.
LOLA
Oh, you’re such a gentlemen.
JACKSON
And you are so pretty.
LOLA
You’re so cute!
HANNAH
Do you hear yourself? This is why I did what I did. He’ll ruin you, I couldn’t let that happen.
LOLA
You couldn’t let that happen? This isn’t about you! This is about how I feel! And yeah, sure, sometimes Jackson’s gross, lazy, and maybe a little
stinky …
JACKSON
You so get me!
LOLA
But who I date is my choice. And if I’m gonna’ date Jackson, and you’re really my friend, then you’re just gonna’ have to deal with it.
HANNAH
You’re right. And if you want to go ahead and date … (gestures vomiting) Jackson, it’s just something that I have to live with.
LOLA
It’ll be OK.
Hannah embraces Lola in a hug, and Jackson joins them.
JACKSON
My girls!
HANNAH
Oh!
Jackson burps.
HANNAH
Oh, come on!
***
In the Stewart household, the three of them are still embraced with each other.
LOLA
Well, I’m glad that you’ve finally accepted our love.
HANNAH (Looking away)
As long as I don’t have to see it.
JACKSON
Well then you better close your eyes. Now come here, baby. Time to seal this deal with a kiss.
HANNAH
Aargh!
As they are about to kiss, wobbling music plays, and, as the screen blurs in, we see Miley sleeping tight in her bed, disgusted – it was all a dream! Lily calls and walks in Miley’s room, holding various sets of clothes on hangers.
LILY
Miley! Oh, why aren’t you up yet? You’re supposed to help me pick my outfit for Mack and Mickey tomorrow.
Miley sits up in her bed.
MILEY
That’s tomorrow?
LILY
Yes.
Lily takes a seat next to Miley on the bed.
MILEY (Relieved)
I had the weirdest dream.
LILY
What was it about?
MILEY
You liked Jackson … and he liked you back. And I tried to stop it, but I was wrong, so, if you really do like my brother, I’m OK with it.
LILY
Me and Jackson? Together? Really?
MILEY
Yeah.
Lily sticks her tongue out and makes a ‘vomiting’ noise.
MILEY
Uh, that’s my girl.
She wraps her arms around Lily's shoulder.
Hannah Montana ©
to the Walt Disney Company. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.
No comments:
Post a Comment