Thursday, December 11, 2008

3x01 - He Ain't a Hottie, He's My Brother

Miley is fast asleep in her bed, dreaming of Lily and a cute boy sitting hand in hand on a moonlit night on the beach as waves crash in on the shore.


LILY

I’ve never been so happy!


A brief cut back to Miley smiling in her bed. Back to the dream, and the boy turns around to be Jackson!


JACKSON

Well prepare to be ecstatic!


LILY

Eeep!


Jackson and Lily slowly but surely share a passionate kiss. Miley wakes up in her bed screaming, shaking her head.


MILEY

Aarrrgh!


Miley looks around on her bed to find an empty packet of pork chips.


MILEY

I have got to stop sneaking daddy’s pork chips before bed.


She throws them dismissively on her bed and falls back to sleep.


***


The next morning, she is fast asleep under her bedclothes as Lily walks in holding various pieces of clothing on coat hangers. Lily smiles as she sees Miley sleeping.


LILY

Oh!


Lily climbs up quietly on Miley’s bed, holding her clothes still, and yells in her ear.


LILY

Miley!


Alarmed, Miley wakes up in shock.


MILEY

Aarrgh!


She falls off her bed and Lily jumps off, presenting her clothes to Miley.


LILY

Oh great, you’re up!


Miley gets herself up from the floor as Lily walks to her side.


MILEY

If you didn’t have the whole Miley/Hannah thing over me, (gestures with hand a punch) bang, gone!


LILY

(Speaks in sarcasm) Yeah, yeah, I’m shaking in my boots! Speaking of which, I can’t wait to wear these tomorrow on the Mack and Mickey in the Morning show! This is going to be so awesome! Hannah Montana and her peeps to keep her grounded! Eeep! I’m a peep!


MILEY

Did you put extra sugar on your Sugar Crunchies again?


LILY

Just a little bit! I’m so excited, I barely slept last night.


MILEY

That makes two of us. I had a dream that you would not believe. You were about to kiss … oh, I can’t even say it.


LILY

Who was I about to kiss?


Miley gestures vomiting, clutching her hands tightly over her neck.


MILEY

Jackson! Blaaaa! (Turns to see Lily is not as grossed out as she is) Why aren’t you “blaaing” with me?


LILY

Well …


MILEY

“Well” is not an option. It’s either ‘blaa’ or ‘errr’. Pick one.


LILY

But … I kinda’ like him.


MILEY

Jackson loving freak of nature say what?


***


hmlogo.png


OPENING CREDITS


starring MILEY CYRUS


EMILY OSMENT


MITCHELL MUSSO


JASON EARLES


MOISES ARIAS


and BILLY RAY CYRUS


***

Back in Miley’s room, Lily is pleading her case.


LILY

Well, Jackson is kinda cute.


MILEY

Lily! This is crazy! You always found him completely repulsive! That’s one of things I loved most about you. (Miley rubs Lily’s temples)


LILY

(Alarmed, backs away) I was only doing that because of you! Inside I was always thinking something else.


MILEY

Hey, you want to hear my inner thoughts? Lily … (gestures ‘crazy’ with her fingers) Boing! Why didn’t you tell me?


LILY

I didn’t tell you because I knew I’d get a (repeats Miley’s gestures) Boing!


Lily turns away.


MILEY

Don’t you (repeats gestures) boing! And walk away from me! Get back here!


Lily exits Miley’s room and walks onto the space upstairs between Miley and Jackson’s room. Jackson walks out of his room coughing.


JACKSON

Wow! You do not want to go in there!


Lily stares at him dreamily as he walks off.


MILEY

Oh, come on!


***


At Rico’s, Jackson is wiping a tray, Miley, Lily and Oliver sitting on a table outside the bench. Miley stares in disgust and Lily continually stares

dreamily at Jackson. Miley slaps Lily’s shoulder to get her attention.


MILEY

Stop that!


Alarmed, Lily turns back.


LILY

Ow! (She rubs her shoulder softly)


MILEY (To Oliver)

Oliver, tell her how ridiculous this is.


OLIVER

Miley, can you tell the sun not to rise in the morning? I mean, can you tell a wave not to crash on the shore?


MILEY

You been watching soap opera’s again?


OLIVER

No! No! It’s … my grandma, she’s in town visiting. She, um … (begins to speak rapidly and defensively) OK, Storm and Erica just came out of their coma and I had to find out if they remember their passion for each other.


He leans back on his seat, but then sits up again and grabs Miley’s shoulder, speaking in a childish, joyful and tickled voice, he says:


OLIVER

And they did!


Miley puts on a fake grin.


MILEY

(Sarcastically) Yay! Hey, um, Oliver, what are you doing tomorrow


OLIVER

Are you kidding? I’m one of your peeps on the Mack and Mickey in the morning show tomorrow!


MILEY (Looks away)

Dang it, I did invite you.


Cuts to Jackson – who is now standing outside the shack reaching down to a little puppy.


JACKSON

Oh, are you lost little guy? Huh?


He picks up the puppy and Lily watches with delight.


JACKSON

Let’s go find your mummy, yes we will.


He walks past the table that Miley, Jackson and Lily are sitting at, waving the dogs paws at them.


JACKSON

Hey everybody!


LILY (Waves)

Hi! (Jackson walks off) Oh …


MILEY

Lily! Please! Lord Voldermort would look cute with the puppy. Snap out of it!


LILY

You know, this is all your fault anyway. You’re the one who had that stupid dream. I was perfectly happing crushing in silence and stealing hair off the brush when no one was looking.


MILEY

(Disgusted) What? (Lily looks guilty) And by ‘what’, I mean, ‘ew’!


OLIVER

OK, look Lily, what I think Miley is trying to say is that … you know everybody crushes on someone who doesn’t like them back. (Pause) You just got to suck it up … (expression dawns on his face) and you gotta move on.


Lily and Miley stare at him blank of expression.


OLIVER

(Defensively) Look, I’m sorry, but getting rejected by the entire girl softball team, it stings a little bit!


LILY

Come on Oliver, you didn’t get rejected by the entire softball team.


Pause.


MILEY

Lily, they hired a (???)


OLIVER

Oh!


LILY

Well, uh, we don’t know that Jackson doesn’t like me back.


MILEY

And … if you did know, he didn’t like you back, could you move on to someone, oh, I don’t know, human?


LILY

Well I guess I’d have to.


MILEY

(Grabs up her bag) Alright, let’s go talk to him.


She attempts to walk off, but Lily jumps in front of her.


LILY

What! No, no, no, no, no! That’s a terrible idea! You know there are certain things in life a girl just has to do alone. You go talk to him and tell me what he says.


MILEY

OK fine, but don’t get your hopes up. For him to like you back he would have to have taste, depth, and intelligence. We’re talking about a guy who once ate the Farmer’s Jam jar.


***


In the Stewart household, Robby is playing the guitar on the couch, humming a tune, when the doorbell rings. Guitar in hand, he goes to answer it.


DELIVERY MAN

Robby Stewart?


ROBBY

That would be me. (As the Delivery Man is about to hand Robby the parcel, he begins playing a tune on the guitar) First, tell me what you think of this.

I’m Super Cute

Super Hot

I’m the girl you like a lot

I’m super girl

I’m super, super girl

What do you think?


DELIVERY MAN

I think you’re super super weird.


Robby takes the parcel off the Delivery Man and he shoots out the door. Robby yells out after him.


ROBBY

The gardener loved it!


As he retreats back to the living room, Miley comes racing in from the other door.


ROBBY

Hey Mile, I got your information for the Mack and Mickey show tomorrow. Limo’s picking you up by seven.


MILEY (Distressed)

Have you seen Jackson? I need to find him and tell him that Lily’s crushing on him.


She turns to go upstairs, but Robby stops her.


ROBBY

She is? Well I just think that’s adorable!


MILEY

Am I the only one that remembers the jam jar?


ROBBY

Oh come on Mile, what’s so weird about Lily liking your brother?


Jackson comes walking in from the back door.


JACKSON

Does puppy pee stain?


ROBBY

Asked, and answered. I swear, with my as an example, I just don’t know how he turned out so ‘odd’. (He walks away singing)

I’m super cute

Super Hot

I’m the girl you like a lot

I’m super super girl.

I’m super super girl

Yeah!

It’s catchy, isn’t it!


MILEY

Hey Jackson …


JACKSON

Hold on, just a sec.


He is wrestling to get his shirt off.


JACKSON

Dang flab it! (His shirt is now stuck against his forehead) This is why I don’t change my shirt everyday!


Finally, he hauls it off.


MILEY

What does that girl see in you?


JACKSON

What girl? There’s a girl? Is she cute? Average, below average? I’m not desperate, it’s just … you know, it’s been a while.


MILEY

(Laughs) It’s … (Laughs again) You’re not going to believe this … it’s Lily! (Laughs) She’s crushing on you.


JACKSON

Lily?


MILEY

I know! I don’t get it either!


JACKSON

But she’s like … a sister. Y’know, sort of like you, except without the enormous ego and no hint of a girl stach.


Miley covers the skin between her top lip and her nose in shock.


MILEY

It’s peach fuzz, it’s cute, and it’s not what we’re talking about here. (She takes her hand down) OK, so … can you just tell me that you don’t think about her that way, and Lily and I can go back to being normal, and you can go back to doing what you do best. Being a disgrace to the Stewart family name.


JACKSON

Fine. I don’t think about Lily that way.


MILEY

Great! I’ll go tell her.


She heads for the door, but as Jackson mutters, she hesitates back.


JACKSON

Huh?


MILEY

‘Huh’ what?


JACKSON

I’m starting to think about Lily that way.


MILEY

No! No, no, no! Wrong way, go back – (she begins to push him back, literally) Beep, beep, beep!


JACKSON (As Miley releases)

Wow, wow, wow. She’s cute, she’s smart … she’s not a kid anymore. Jackson likey.


MILEY

And Miley pukey.


JACKSON

Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta’ groom for my new lady.


As he heads up the stairs, he throws his t shirt behind him and it lands on Miley.


MILEY

Aargh!


She gets it off her head and examines it.


MILEY

Who gave that dog asparagus?


***


Outside Rico’s shack, Lily is meditating, eyes shut.


LILY

Omm, it doesn’t matter if he likes me. Omm, whatever happens if for the best. Omm, I could always get a cat. Omm,


Miley creeps up behind her.


MILEY

Lily?


LILY

Omm, cute little kitty from the pound.


Miley begins to yell in her ear.


MILEY

Lily!


Shocked, Lily springs off her towel and rolls down the hill of sand.


LILY

Aargh!


As she picks herself up, Miley comes down after her.


MILEY (Harmonic voice)

Omm, now we’re even for the bed thing.


LILY (Ecstatic)

What did he say? Tell me everything!


MILEY

Ok, he –


LILY (Interrupts)

No, just tell me if he likes me.


MILEY

OK, he –


LILY (Interrupts)

No, start at the beginning …


MILEY (Begins to loose patience)

OK, he –


LILY (Interrupts)

No, forget that, just skip to the end!


MILEY

Will you make up your mind?


LILY

I can’t, you pick.


MILEY

OK … I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this … but, he um …


LILY

Oh my gosh, he does like me! (Turns away, Miley follows) This is going to change everything! Can’t you just see it? (Lily points up in the sky)


MILEY

No!


LILY

It’s right up there, see? (Lily spins Miley’s head around)


***


Jackson and Lily are sitting on the couch in the Stewart living room, eating burgers.


JACKSON

This is so good!


LILY

SO good!


JACKSON

You are so cute!


LILY

You are so cute!


The two of them reach down to the table in front of the couch and handle an oversized cup of soft drink, with two straws on each side. They begin to sip at it, looking at each other dreamily and romantically. They put it back on the table.


LILY / JACKSON

I … LOVE … YOU!


Jackson rubs some food off Lily’s cheek.


LILY

Oh, thank-you.


***


Back to the present, Lily is glaring into thin air dreamily with her hand over her heart, while Miley is staring in disgrace.


LILY (Turns to Miley)

What’d he say? I want his exact words so I can put them in my diary.


MILEY

OK, he’s exact words were … (pause) never gonna’ happen.


LILY (Let down)

Really?


MILEY

I’m sorry Lily.


LILY

It’s OK. (Starts to weep, hugs Miley, who looks guilty) It’s not your fault!


***


At the beach outside Rico’s, Miley is still cradling Lily, who is weeping.


MILEY

Lily – (she pulls Lily out from her shoulder) Listen, we don’t need guys to have fun. We’re gonna’ have fun on the Mack and Mickey show, right?


LILY

(Calms down) Yeah, you’re right. We are going to have fun. You, me, Oliver and (walks off weeping) and Jackson!


MILEY

OK, Listen, I know it hurts now, but it really is for the best!


As Lily walks off, Oliver walks by.


OLIVER

Hey Lily.


Lily attacks him and walks off. Oliver walks over to Miley.


OLIVER

What is up with her?


MILEY

I had to tell her, that, um … Jackson doesn’t like her back.


OLIVER

Oh man, that’s rough. (Pause) You know Erica had the same reaction when Storm left her for evil twin cousin. Grandma never saw it coming. (Gleefully) But I knew!


Jackson comes racing over.


JACKSON

Hey Miles, where’s Lily? The lucky winner of the Jackson love lotto.


OLIVER

What? But you just said that …


Miley nudges him at the neck.


OLIVER

Ow! Argh!


MILEY

Split end, girls hate that. (Turns to Jackson) Turns out I was wrong, she doesn’t like you.


JACKSON

She doesn’t?


OLIVER

You just told her that …


Miley repeats her previous actions on Oliver.


OLIVER

Ow! Why do you keep doing that?


MILEY

Other split end! ‘Cause it was split, you see? (Turns back to her brother) It turns out that when she said she likes Jackson, she meant she likes President Andrew Jackson. And I mean come on, who doesn’t?


JACKSON

So she doesn’t like me?


MILEY

No. When she heard that I thought she meant you, she laughed so hard …


JACKSON

(Upset) She laughed?


He turns away, Miley trying to comfort.


MILEY

Not really a laugh, it was more like a little giggle, little titter, like ‘he he he’, but less.


JACKSON (Half-smiling)

I get it.


MILEY

Come on Jackson, it’s not like you cared anywayz.


JACKSON

You’re right, I didn’t. I mean, I was just trying to be nice, ‘cause … ‘cause that’s totally the kinda guy I am. It’s gonna take a lot more than a rejection from a soft girl to get this guy down.


He turns away again.


JACKSON (To self)

You deserve love, you’re an awesome dude. (Weeping) You … deserve … love!


OLIVER (Darkly)

What did you do?


Miley just stares back stubbornly.


***


Robby walks in through the front door of the Stewart household, crossing paths with Jackson. Robby is holding a box of pizza.


ROBBY

Hey Jackson!


JACKSON (Shouts)

I deserve love, I am an awesome dude!


He storms off upstairs.


ROBBY

Okey dokey …


As he heads into the kitchen, Miley walks in.

ROBBY

Hey Mile!


MILEY (Shouts)

I did the right thing, OK!


She storms off upstairs.


ROBBY

Now a good daddy would go up their and try and figure out what’s going on. But a smart daddy would give them a chance to work it out themselves while he ate a piece of pizza.


Robby opens the pizza box on the bench and commends himself.


ROBBY

Robby Stewart – smart daddy.


He picks up a piece of pizza and bites into it, suddenly dropping it.


ROBBY

Hot, hot, hot!


***


In the Mack and Mickey in the Morning studio, Hannah is singing Let’s Get Crazy!


***


Following the song, she takes a seat with Mack and Mickey.


MICKEY

Wow! Isn’t she wonderful!


MACK

Give it up for Hannah Savanna! Are you from Savanna, is that how you got the name?


MICKEY

Oh, Mack, don’t be silly, it’s Montana!


HANNAH

Yeah, and I’m from Tennessee.


MACK

Sorry, I was never good at geometry anyway. That’s a good thing I’m easy on the eyes!


MICKEY

So Hannah. We’ve heard so many things about pop stars that have lost their ways.


HANNAH

It’s really sad, but I’ve been fortunate to …


MACK (Interrupts)

You know who else lost their way – our producer Richie driving in this morning!


MICKEY

He did!


MACK

Hey Richie, two words for you, G.P.S.! They talk to you now, like a wife, but at least you can unplug it!


HANNAH

And uh, you can’t unplug a wife!


MACK

You can’t unplug a wife! She said you can’t unplug a wife!


MICKEY

So I think what Hannah was trying to say is that she surrounds herself with good friends who help keep her grounded.


MACK

I use to have good friends. But I was just to good looking. Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful!


MICKEY

So Hannah, why don’t we bring out some of these wonderful friends of yours?


HANNAH

I think you’re gonna’ love them just as much as I do. Come on out, guys!


MICKEY

Bring em’ out!


MACK

Oh yes!


Waving, Mike, Lola and Jackson come from backstage, taking a seat.


HANNAH

Thank-you! Mike Stanley, Lola Lovelagle, and Jackson Stewart.


MACK

Oh.


Lola and Jackson ‘tutt’ at each other.


MICKEY

Oh, I sense a little bit of tension in the pop star’s posse.


HANNAH

Tension? What tension? There’s no tension. No, that’s just a little thing we do. Hey Lola (tutts), Hey Jackson (tutts).


MIKE

That’s right. That’s how we roll. (To Hannah) Yow itchdog! (tutts)


HANNAH

Thank-you Mike. Thank-you for the help.


MIKE

Word. (Gestures fist out in handshake, directed at Hannah, but Mack takes it)


MACK

Oh, from your mother.


HANNAH

It’s actually to your mother.


MACK

To your mother?


MICKEY

It’s to your mother


MACK

It is?


MICKEY

It is.


MACK

I never know.


HANNAH

Never know.


MICKEY

So Hannah, tell me, how do these wonderful friends of yours help keep you grounded?


HANNAH

Well I think the secret is that we all liked each other before I was famous and all like each other now.


MACK / MICKEY

Ah.


LOLA

Yeah well, we all like Hannah, and I like Mike to. (Turns and stairs at Jackson)


JACKSON

Yeah, Mike and Hannah are great. There’s nothing about them that’s laughable. (Tutts in Lola’s face, she tutts back, and then whispers to him)


LOLA (Whispers to Jackson)

We? Laughable? What are you talking about?


JACKSON

You know exactly what I’m talking about. What you said.


They begin arguing with each other, and Hannah turns hesitantly to the camera.


HANNAH

We’ll be right back.


Audience applause.


STAGE MANAGER

I guess we’re out.


MACK

Oh, sticky buns time.


He gets off his seat and races backstage.


MICKEY

What? OK … Hannah, Pardon me. You’re doing great! My kids love you. If you ever call commercial again, I’ll throat cut you. OK?


Mickey follows on after Mack.

Hannah goes and puts her hands around Mike and Lola’s shoulders.


HANNAH

Could you guys please not embarrass me in front of millions of people.



Lola turns to Jackson and Jackson turns to Lola.


LOLA / JACKSON

But he/she started it!


HANNAH

Shush! Now please, let’s just for the next fifteen minutes, focus on Hannah and her friends, and how much we all love each other.


LOLA

Sorry. I know this is none of your fault, so I’ll try to be nice, because I love you, not him.


JACKSON

OK, I’m just going to ignore that, for my sister, because none of this is her fault.


HANNAH

Right …


As Hannah sits back on her seat, Mack and Mickey come racing back into their positions.


MICKEY

Just remember Hannah, (gestures a throat cut) boop!


Mickey takes a seat as the Stage Manager goes in front of the camera.


STAGE MANAGER

And we’re back in 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 …


He exits as Mickey chucks the napkin off Mack’s suit and the audience gives a round of applause.


MICKEY

So, it sounds like you’ve all known Hannah for a really long time. Jackson, tell me, what is that you love about Hannah the most?


JACKSON

Well, ar, like all friends, Hannah and I have definitely had our fights. But when it comes down to it, I know I can always count on her.


Hannah looks down upon herself, guilty.


JACKSON

Because she’s always, always there for me.


Mickey places a hand across her heart.


HANNAH

Always … is such, such a big word.


MACK

It is a big word. Al-ways.


HANNAH

Yeah, and um, you know, if you could count on me, ‘most of the time’, you could live with that.


LOLA

Oh but we don’t have to live with it because she never lets us down. Never. Never. Never.


HANNAH

Well, see, never is like always. (Whispers to Mack) Big word. And you know what word I like better? Is occasionally, and sometimes.


LOLA

Oh but there is no sometimes with you because you always tell the truth.


JACKSON

Yeah, to me to. Even if it’s painful.


LOLA

Yeah, because that’s just the kind of person she is.


Audience applause.


HANNAH

Stop it! (Whispers to Lola) Really, stop it.


MIKE

You see, that’s the secret of real friendship. (Faces Hannah) Integrity, honesty, truth …


Long pause.


HANNAH (Admitting)

OK fine, I lied! (She turns to Lola and Jackson) The truth is … you guys both really like each other.


LOLA / JACKSON (Outraged, at Hannah)

What?! (They then turn to each other, looking into each other eyes, they speak softy) What? (They then turn back to Hannah, outraged again) What?


Hannah grins nervously.


HANNAH

Who wants to hear another song?


Mack claps, and Mickey raises her hand.


MICKEY

I do!


MACK

Me to!


She switches on her microphone, and begins to sing “True Friend”, but Jackson and Lola come and drag her on her stool backstage.


HANNAH

Help me!


***


Hannah, Lola and Jackson walk into the Stewart's house.


HANNAH

Guys, come on! How many times do I have to say that I’m sorry?


LOLA

I just still can’t believe you’d lie to me like that.


Robby comes walking down the stairs with foils in his hairs, singing “We Got the Party”. He is shocked when he sees them standing in the living room.


ROBBY

Sweet niblets, what are you guys doing home?


JACKSON

New look, hey Dad?


ROBBY

Maice couldn’t fit me in this week! Hair like this doesn’t just happen, son. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna’ go upstairs and watch some football, monster trucks, you know, man things!


He walks upstairs.

Lola walks into the kitchen, Hannah following, and Jackson.


HANNAH

Come on Lily, how many times do I have to apologize?


JACKSON

OK, it’s to late for apologies, you cold heartered killer of love.


LOLA

Yeah, I’ve never been so disappointed in you. (Walks to Jackson’s side) And you’re so cute when you show your nostrils!


JACKSON

Oh, you like that, do you? (He does so, Lola glaring romantically at them)


LOLA

Wow! Oh, are, you got a little boogie.


JACKSON

I’ll pick it when you’re not looking.


LOLA

Oh, you’re such a gentlemen.


JACKSON

And you are so pretty.


LOLA

You’re so cute!


HANNAH

Do you hear yourself? This is why I did what I did. He’ll ruin you, I couldn’t let that happen.


LOLA

You couldn’t let that happen? This isn’t about you! This is about how I feel! And yeah, sure, sometimes Jackson’s gross, lazy, and maybe a little

stinky …


JACKSON

You so get me!


LOLA

But who I date is my choice. And if I’m gonna’ date Jackson, and you’re really my friend, then you’re just gonna’ have to deal with it.


HANNAH

You’re right. And if you want to go ahead and date … (gestures vomiting) Jackson, it’s just something that I have to live with.


LOLA

It’ll be OK.


Hannah embraces Lola in a hug, and Jackson joins them.


JACKSON

My girls!


HANNAH

Oh!


Jackson burps.


HANNAH

Oh, come on!


***


In the Stewart household, the three of them are still embraced with each other.


LOLA

Well, I’m glad that you’ve finally accepted our love.


HANNAH (Looking away)

As long as I don’t have to see it.


JACKSON

Well then you better close your eyes. Now come here, baby. Time to seal this deal with a kiss.


HANNAH

Aargh!


As they are about to kiss, wobbling music plays, and, as the screen blurs in, we see Miley sleeping tight in her bed, disgusted – it was all a dream! Lily calls and walks in Miley’s room, holding various sets of clothes on hangers.


LILY

Miley! Oh, why aren’t you up yet? You’re supposed to help me pick my outfit for Mack and Mickey tomorrow.


Miley sits up in her bed.


MILEY

That’s tomorrow?


LILY

Yes.


Lily takes a seat next to Miley on the bed.


MILEY (Relieved)

I had the weirdest dream.


LILY

What was it about?


MILEY

You liked Jackson … and he liked you back. And I tried to stop it, but I was wrong, so, if you really do like my brother, I’m OK with it.


LILY

Me and Jackson? Together? Really?


MILEY

Yeah.


Lily sticks her tongue out and makes a ‘vomiting’ noise.


MILEY

Uh, that’s my girl.


She wraps her arms around Lily's shoulder.


Hannah Montana ©
to the Walt Disney Company. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.

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