3x13 - What I Don't Like About You

On a film set. Hannah Montana is promoting "Indianna Joannie" - the movie she has just finished filming.

HANNAH
Hi, I'm Hannah Montana and I am on the set of my new Movie "Indiana Joannie and the Curse of the Golden Cobra" coming to a theatre near you this summer. Be there or be cursed. (cracks her whip and hits her dad)

ROBBY
OW! Dang flabbit!

HANNAH
Sorry Daddy!

DIRECTOR

(from off-stage) Cut!

***

HANNAH
Coming to a theatre near you this summer. Be there or be cursed. (as she cracks her whip it gets caught in her hat - she laughs)

DIRECTOR

(laughing) Cut!

HANNAH
Be there or be cursed. (manages to do the whip swing correctly) Oh yeah!

***

Miley is standing outside on her front porch on the phone.

MILEY
Hey, I'm back at the house. Where are you? Call me! (hangs up) Dad can you believe this? I've been gone a month and Lily and Oliver know I'm coming back today and nobody is picking up. How can they be so inconsiderate?

ROBBY

(comes to the porch carrying all the luggage) Jee. I have no idea. It's sure not the way I brought you up.

MILEY
I know.

Miley walks in and closes the door right in front of her Dads face. She finds the house decorated with banners and balloons welcoming Miley.

LILY / OLIVER
Surprise!

MILEY
Lily, Oliver. I thought you forgot about me. (they hug)

ROBBY

(trying to walk through the door with all the luggage) Don't anybody worry about helping me get to this door. Ha, I got it. Oh no please Mr. Stewart can we help you with that luggage? Oh no kids I got it! Are you sure Sir it looks awfully heavy? Oh no y'all just enjoy your visit.

Robby goes upstairs.

OLIVER
So, how was the Movie?

LILY
How was Chase Gropper?

MILEY

(to Oliver) Amazing! (now to Lily) and AMAA-ZING! So...eh, what have you guys been up to?

OLIVER
PFff..Wow, where do we begin?

LILY
Yeah, eh...

OLIVER
I mean the beach...

LILY
Yeah, the mall...

OLIVER
...More beach

LILY
...More mall...

OLIVER

And that one day it almost rained!

LILY
Oh, but it didn't and I took pictures (showing Miley some pictures on her phone) Here look.

OLIVER
Crazy.

MILEY
Oh my beach! I missed it. I even kind of missed Rico's greasy overpriced nachos.

LILY

Yeah, well go get changed than we head down and get sick to our stomachs together.

OLIVER
Yep nothing says welcome home like a case of explosive nachos-rina.

MILEY
You two are disgusting. I missed that. (they hug than Miley goes upstairs to change)

OLIVER
How long you think she is gonna be?

LILY
Mmmh...I don't know...Ten...fifteen minutes?

OLIVER
You're thinking what I'm thinking?

They start to kiss as Miley comes back down and stands at the stairwell looking at them open-mouthed in shock.

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

Miley is still standing staring at them in shock as they stop.

LILY

You know ... I still think we should tell Miley.

OLIVER

And I still think she's going to get all wigged out Lilypop.

LILY

You're being silly Olliepop she's gonna be happy that we're dating.

OLIVER

Are you kidding? She's going to think you've totally lost it. For the past three years I've been a cross between your guy friend and a pinyata (not sure how to spell it)

Flashback scenes are played from episodes of which Lily and Miley have either slapped Oliver or plucked a hair from his head.

LILY

Yeah good point. So ar ... what do we do?

OLIVER

Well I guess we have to ease her into it ... you know. Ar you know sometimes I could say things like ... "oh doesn't Lily look cute today" and you know another time you could be like "wow I've never really noticed it but Oliver looks like a Greek god"

LILY

OK hang on ... I get cute and you get Greek god?

OLIVER

I need a little bit more help than you.

LILY

Oh I love it when you get all humble. And you know it's kinda nice that it's our little secret now. And it's not like she had a problem keeping her Hannah secret from us.

OLIVER

Yeah exactly OK. So now it's our turn.

LILY

Yeah!

OLIVER

Oh yeah!

LILY

I love it when you 'oh yeah'!

OLIVER

Oh yeah!

LILY

Oh!

***

Robby is in the kitchen preparing a sandwich as Jackson walks in on the phone.

JACKSON
Eh...Yes...Eh...that sounds delightfully doable and splendily splendacious...Thank you! (hangs up) YES!

ROBBY
Son if that's a girl and she still wants to date you after that then I'm guessing she's not too stupendidly smartacious.

JACKSON
For your information that happens to be the state college of Santa Barbara setting up an interview with mua. Mua, mua, mua, mua, mua. (destroying Robby's Sandwich)

ROBBY
I'd be a lot happier for you if you haven't just crashed mua sandwich.

JACKSON
Sorry dad. (fixes it with a new piece of bread and lettuce) Huh? All better, see that's the sort of quick thinking that's gonna get me into the state college of Santa Barbara or as I like to call it. Standen Babe-brah.

ROBBY
Use that terminology during the interview and the only place you're gonna be going is Living home till you're fourty-ah!

JACKSON
Don't worry Dad. I mean sure I'm not good at the whole academics thing but face to face I am unbeatable. Lets pretend you are the interviewer. Ask me why my grades have been...eh...what's, what's the word?

ROBBY
Rotten? Miserable? Embarrassing?

JACKSON
I said word. Nobody likes to show-off. Look, to continue this will be my answer: "Eh, surely my grades could have been better but that would have meant spending more time studying and less time running 'Jackson's kids', my charity for little ones who can't help themselves"

ROBBY
So in other words, you're gonna lie.

JACKSON
Like you on that couch during a Beverly Hillbillies marathon.

ROBBY
I'm gonna say this one time. That darn show was an American classic.

JACKSON

That's it? No big lecture about how lying is bad or I'm only cheating myself?

ROBBY
Oh son, when you go away to college I'm not gonna be there to tell you what's right and wrong. You're gonna have to make those decisions for yourself. And you know what? I trust you to make the right ones the ones that make your daddy proud. I love you boy.

As Jackson walks off a little devil who looks like Jackson appears on his shoulder.

DEVIL
I love you boy, blak! Come on, you're not gonna fall for that guilt garbage, are you?

A little Angel, also looking like Jackson, appears on his other shoulder

ANGEL
He's your daddy. You don't want to break his heart, do you?

DEVIL
Oh come on, you're gonna listen to the guy that can't even remember to pull up his zipper?

The Angel looks down at himself and realizes that he's not even wearing pants

DEVIL
Made you look, he he! See? He's an idiot. You know what you gotta do! Just do it. Do it!

The Devil and Angel disappear

Robby and Jackson look at each other confused/abashed. And then laugh and nod before Jackson walks off

***

At the beach. Lily and Miley grab some burgers and walk to their table.

MILEY
Hey! They put onions on my burger! (Lily rolls her eyes) You know, it's how I would have been in the good old days but nope eh, no more wigged out for me. Really mature since the movie... Oh my gosh it's Brad Pitt! (Pointing in another direction and makes Lily to look away)

LILY
Oh, where, where is Brad?

Miley is throwing all the onions off her burger

MILEY
No, no that was a Golden Retreiver on the hind legs sorry. Anywho, since my wigout days are over anything you wanna tell me girl to girl, best friend to best friend?

LILY
Ah yeah...Hey look Oliver is here with the drinks, boy have we missed you.

OLIVER
Oh right. Hey you know what? I forgot straws. (about to go)

LILY

(holding him back) No no no, we don't need straws.

MILEY
Arrr. Oliver you are so considerate, isn't he considerate? And he is cute, too.

LILY / OLIVER
What?

MILEY
Yeah, you know being gone really opened my eyes. You are one cutie patootie. And you're no slouch either (to Lily) You know what? You...you guys should date...and then not tell me about it.

OLIVER

(whispering to Lily) I think she knows.

LILY
How did you find out?

MILEY
Maybe the next time you guys wanna keep a secret from me, y'all shouldn't have a spit-swap in the middle of my living room, Lily-Pop.

OLIVER

You see I told you she'd freak!

MILEY

I'm only freaking because you guys didn't tell me. I'm happy for you.

LILY

Oh I knew you would be. See I told you.

OLIVER

She told me.

LILY

I did. I told him.

MILEY

So um ... how did it happen?

LILY

OK well ... we were at a beach party.

OLIVER

Yeah. And ur ... Nose Whistle Wallie was going to ask her to slow dance.

LILY

Yeah. So I grabbed Oliver before he could and ar ... you know it was just ... the way my head fit into his neck ...

OLIVER

You know ar ... her head smelt like apples. I like apples.

MILEY

Oh so that means ... whatever song you guys danced to ... that's your song. What was it?

LILY

It was Radiohead.

OLIVER

It was Cold Play.

LILY

Ar ... Oliver. It was Radiohead.

OLIVER

Lily ... it was definitely Cold Play.

LILY

I think I would remember. I mean Radiohead is my favorite band.

MILEY

You know guys it really doesn't matter. The main thing is that you guys are together.

OLIVER

Yeah hold on one sec. Ar so seriously you think Radiohead is better than Cold Play?

Lily nods.

MILEY

Radioplay ... Coldhead ... the main thing is you guys are together RIGHT! So where was your first date?

OLIVER

We went to the movies.

LILY

We went ice skating!

MILEY

Did I say first date I meant second.

LILY

I cannot believe you don't remember our first date!

OLIVER

I can't believe you think Radiohead is better than Cold Play!

LILY

OK Whatever you liked when you were twelve forget it!

OLIVER

Well excuse me for having an opinion. Yes dear. Whatever you say dear.

MILEY

Look I'm sorry I bought this up. Who cares!

LILY

You know what if you like Cold Play so much. They should be your girlfriend and you can take them skating. And then not remember it!

OLIVER

Take them skating and not remember it? Who's twelve now! Miley can you please tell that one to grow up!

LILY

That one? Wait you forget my name now to! Come on Miley let's go ...

MILEY

No I'm not going anywhere.

OLIVER

Yeah she's not going anywhere cause you're obviously wrong!

LILY

I'll tell you what's wrong. When I picked you as a boyfriend.

OLIVER

Oh.

MILEY

You guys please stop fighting this is ridiculous! You know the sooner we just laugh about it and move on the better. I'll start. (laughs) Nothing! Alright look. How about this. How about we um ... recapture you know the moment of your first dance. You know snuggle. Put your apples ...

LILY

Just stop it OK! I'm outta here.

OLIVER

Yeah not before I am.

The two walk off in opposite directions.

MILEY

(yelling after them) Alright you know what! You guys are going to get halfway home and realize how ridiculous this is! And when you do ... I will be right here waiting for you. Right here!

Cuts to night - Miley is sitting on a chair shivering as her father comes over with a blanket.

ROBBY

Honey it's almost midnight I don't think they'll be ....

MILEY

They'll be back!

***

The following morning Robby is in the kitchen making a sandwich while Miley paces around.

MILEY

This is ridiculous! They haven't talked in three days and they keep asking me to pick a side! Well I'm ... (she goes to punch the table where his sandwich is)

ROBBY

Freeze! (moves sandwich and puts oven mit in place)

MILEY

(punching glove) I'm not going to do it!

ROBBY

Darling I'm happy to feel your pain ... I'm just glad my BLT didn't have to!

MILEY

BLT! See that's exactly what I'm talking about! The three of us were a classic combination ... but then ... the lettuce decided ... oh I'm going to go off and do a movie ... buh-bye lettuce! And the bacon and the tomato decided they should be together oh I love you bacon pop! Oh I love you tomato pop! And then ... the lettuce decided to finally come back home and they start arguing! And then I the lettuce I'm the lettuce I get in the middle! You know what I'm saying don't fight! Don't fight! Don't fight! And now what have we got?

ROBBY

Same thing I had last night. I real ugly looking sandwich.

MILEY

Exactly.

ROBBY

Now honey listen. I'll admit they're being a little bit stubborn but sometimes you've just got to be patient ... let people work out their problems.

MILEY

Dad. When have I ever done that?

***

Robby goes to answer the door.

KATHERINE

Mr. Stewart? Katherine York.

ROBBY

Oh from the State College of Santa Babe-ra? Barbara! I don't why I said that it's not like I've ever heard my son say anything like that because he's very serious about Standen Babe-ra. Barbara!

KATHERINE

It's OK Mr. Stewart a lot of parents are nervous at the beginning of the interview. But let me assure you by the end ... it's much worse. I'm kidding! No it'll be fine.

ROBBY

Well listen I feel a lot better now and argh ... thank you so much for coming out here it's ...

KATHERINE

Aren't you forgetting something? About eighteen ... male ... probably calls you 'dad'.

ROBBY

Oh! The boy!

KATHERINE

Yeah!

ROBBY

OK let me just go and get him. (shouting) Jackson! (ushering Katherine to the couch) Come on in.

Jackson comes down.

JACKSON

(on phone) Now! (comes down) Hi. I'm Jackson.

KATHERINE

Nice to meet you.

JACKSON

Nice to meet you. First I just want to say thank you so much for driving all the way down from Santa Barbara.

ROBBY

Babe-ra! Oh sweet niblets!

Two boys come running in with bags.

BOY #1

Hey Jackson! We've been collecting trash off the beach. Just like you taught us.

BOY #2

And now we're going to separate papers and plastics.

JACKSON

That's great guys. Hey after my interview we'll go over earthquake preparedness and CPR!

BOYS

Yeah!

They high five each other and run off.

JACKSON

Now run along guys come on. (turning back to Katherine) See. That's what it is all about. Helping shape tomorrow's future today. Now I may not have an A in Science. But I have an A where it counts. (pointing to his heart) In here.

KATHERINE

That's very ultraistic of you.

Jackson nods. He is unsure of the terms Katherine has just used.

JACKSON

Aha.

ROBBY

Mrs. York. Why don't you make yourself comfortable and Jackson if I could just speak with you over here for a moment. Just me and you.

JACKSON

Of course father. Respect for the wisdom and council of those who love us. A lesson I'd try to teach my kids. (makes his way into the kitchen) Look Dad I know you want me to tell the truth but you also want me to get into College. It's time to make a choice!

ROBBY

Well it's pretty obvious you've already made yours! Now I'm just going to say this one time. (referring to a photo of his wife) Your mother would not be very proud of you today.

JACKSON

(gasps) Oh! The mom card! Oh that's low.

ROBBY

Well if you're going to play hard ball so am I. Good luck with the interview son.

Robby walks out as Jackson walks back to Katherine.

JACKSON

So argh ... where were we?

Robby is peering in from the window.

KATHERINE

Well ... Jackson why don't you tell me a little bit more about the work you do with the Youth of Tomorrow.

JACKSON

Yes my work! Argh ... where do I begin? I think the first thing you should know is ... argh ... (nervously looking at the photo of his mother) the first thing you should know is ... the truth. I am a lazy... lying under achiever. I hired those kids. I don't know CPR! And if there was an earthquake right now ... I'd probably use your body to shield myself from falling debree.

Robby shouts in from the window.

ROBBY

He would to! I mean he'd probably feel bad about it later ... but he's telling you the truth. And I have never been so proud of you son.

KATHERINE

You know Jackson you are the most honest young man I have ever interviewed. And that is a very impressive quality.

JACKSON

So I've still got a shot?

KATHERINE

Honestly ... one in ten thousand.

JACKSON

Yes! One in ten thousand baby whoa! (he starts dancing about)

ROBBY

(to Katherine) He's not that good at math either.

***

Miley walks onto the beach outside Rico's and finds Oliver and Lily sitting on a table each. Both of them cough indicating for Miley to come and sit by them. Miley goes to Lily.

OLIVER

OK fine! You don't get any of my nachos!

LILY

Can you believe him trying to bribe you with nachos? By the way I saved you my curly fries because I know they're your favorites ... just like I am ... I'm her favorite!

MILEY

Whoa! Lily. No need to rub it in we're above that.

LILY

No we're not!

MILEY

Lily!

LILY

Fine but ... only because you chose me.

MILEY

And I'm also choosing you to come and see the very first rough cut of Indianna Joannie.

LILY

No way that's going to be great!

MILEY

I know. But argh ... I should probably go tell Oliver why I chose you. He at least deserves that right?

LILY

Y'OK but argh ... while you're over there can you give him a message for me?

MILEY

I'm not going to tell him he is eventually going to die sad and alone calling out your name.

LILY

Well then never mind.

As Miley steps up on her way over to Oliver she bumps into Max.

MILEY

Hey Max. I'll give you ten bucks to go tell Lily that she just got voted girl with the ugliest ears in all Seaview High history.

MAX

Give me twenty and I'll tell her she has a squeaky voice to!

MILEY

Oh what they hey!

As she hands him the money she walks and sits by Oliver.

MILEY (CONT'D)

Hey.

OLIVER

You're not getting any of my nachos traitor.

MILEY

I am not a traitor! I chose you.

OLIVER

Then why were you talking to Lily?

MILEY

Because ... I mean I had to tell her why I chose you. She at least deserves that.

OLIVER

Really?

MILEY

Yeah. I mean. Look at her.

They look over and see Lily looking around covering her ears.

LILY

(screeching) No! No!

She runs off.

OLIVER

Whoa. You really did pick me I mean over your best girlfriend! You guys share you know feelings ... facials and shoes! Man! I must be awesome!

***

That night Oliver walks in through the entrance nearer to the piano.

OLIVER

Oh! I smell popcorn! Miley?

Lily enters through the front door.

LILY

Oh I smell ... (notices Oliver) YOU!

LILY / OLIVER

What are you doing here! She chose me! Miley!

OLIVER

Alright that's it I'm outta here ...

They hear the cracking of a whip as the front doors open. Miley is standing on the deck with her Indianna Joannie outfit on and her whip.

MILEY

Nobody's going anywhere! (enters) I have a whip. And I have no idea how to use it! Now sit down.

Oliver and Lily sit down on the couch.

OLIVER

Miley what are you ...

MILEY

Please! No talking during our feature presentation!

Miley switches the television on and the title of a movie comes up narrated by Miley.

MILEY (V/O)

Indianna Joannie and the Curse of the Stupid Annoying Friends!

Miley joins them on the couch.

LILY

What is this this is not ...

OLIVER

This is not ...

MILEY

Take some popcorn!

On the television screen we see Miley doubled and dressed as Lily and Oliver at the shack.

LILY DOUBLE

Well we were at this beach party ...

OLIVER DOUBLE

And Nose Whistle Wallie was about to ask her to dance.

LILY DOUBLE

And so I grabbed Oliver before he could and well it was just ... the way my head fit into his neck.

OLIVER DOUBLE

Yeah and her hair smelled like apples. I like apples!

LILY DOUBLE

And then we danced ...

OLIVER DOUBLE

To argh ... a song by Cold Play.

LILY DOUBLE

Oliver ... honey. It was Radiohead! I mean I think I would remember my favorite band.

OLIVER DOUBLE

You honestly think Radiohead is better than Cold Play?

LILY DOUBLE

Well if you like Cold Play so much maybe they should be your girlfriend!

OLIVER DOUBLE

Oh maybe they should be my girlfriend ...

They start mocking each other as Miley switches the television off.

MILEY

Now this is what should've happened.

She switches the television back on.

OLIVER DOUBLE

So wait you honestly think Radiohead is better than Cold Play? Ha. Isn't it cool that we can still like each other even though we like different music?

LILY DOUBLE

So true! I mean we have been friends since like kindergarten ... Do you really want to throw that away over some silly little fight?

Lily Double and Oliver Double both turn to face the screen.

LILY DOUBLE / OLIVER DOUBLE

Well. Do you?

MILEY

Look. I don't know if you're meant to be a couple. But I do know that you're meant to be friends. And please I do not want to watch you throw that away over this fight.

LILY

She's right.

OLIVER

Yeah I know.

LILY

I'm sorry.

OLIVER

Me to.

LILY

I missed you Ollie-pop!

OLIVER

I missed you to Lily-Pop!

They reach over to kiss but Miley pulls them apart.

MILEY

OK! I'm cool with the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing. Not loving the whole kissy pop OK.

***

Miley is standing at the door letting Oliver and Lily out.

OLIVER

Hey Miley thank you.

MILEY

You're welcome.

LILY

You're the best friend ever.

MILEY

Yes I am.

OLIVER

This is a little weird for you huh.

MILEY

Yes it is.

LILY

We should go huh.

MILEY

Yes you should.

OLIVER

We're out!

Hand in hand they walk away. Miley closes the door and walks back in.

MILEY

Cold Play. Radio Head. Hello! Hannah Montana in the room!

She walks upstairs.

***

Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.