3x12 - You Give Lunch a Bad Name

Jackson and Miley are standing at the door waving goodbye to their father.

JACKSON
Enjoy the Reunion Dad!

MILEY
Call us when you land! Love you!

JACKSON
He is gonna have such an awesome time seeing the band again.

MILEY
And it is so cool that he trusts us to leave us alone for the first time.

They are looking at each other then say in unison:

MILEY / JACKSON
Sucker!

They dance back into the house

MILEY
We're gonna party...

JACKSON
...and party hardy...

MILEY
...with my friend Marty...

JACKSON
...you don't know a Marty...

MILEY
...but it rhymes with party...

JACKSON
...that's kind of smarty!

They high five each other and walk upstairs


***

Jackson comes back in a suit and Miley comes back disguised as Hannah Montana.

MILEY
(imitating Robby) Now. Young man, I expect you home before curfew.

JACKSON
(imitating Robby) And Bud. You call if you're gonna be late (runs his fingers through his hair like Robby would do)

Both start to laugh.

JACKSON
Shall we, my curfewless compadre?

They link their arms.

MILEY
We shall, my sneaky sibling!

Jumping towards the door, as they reach it their Mamaw Ruthie opens the door and steps in.

MAMAW
Surprise!

Miley cramps on Jackson in panic as they both scream in shock.

***

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

Hannah and Jackson are still screeching in shock.

MAMAW

Oh well that's a really nice way to greet your Mamaw! You just see how you look when you're my age and you're stuck on a plane between some smelly old coot that wants to play footsy and a figity four year old who keeps on trying to put out your hair with his juice box. Where's my hug!

HANNAH / JACKSON

Mamaw!

The two embrace their Mamaw in a hug.

HANNAH

You're here because ...

MAMAW

Your daddy seems to think that you're old enough to be left on your own. And once again he is not thinking straight. You know I blame it on those tight jeans. I swear you can read his but like a road map.

HANNAH

And you're here because ...

MAMAW

I'm here because I don't care how old you are you still need some adult supervision. And I really wanted to see you.

JACKSON

Sorry Mamaw we're really happy to see you to it's just ... we were kind of excited to show Dad how mature we can be.

HANNAH

Yeah you know ... do our chores ... stick to our curfews with no adult supervision whatsoever.

MAMAW

Oh well I guess in that case then I might as well just hitch up the wagon and head on back to the house for gullible old grannies ... not!

HANNAH

(heading for kitchen) Fine I'll go do this dishes.

JACKSON

I'll go flush my toilet.

MAMAW

Geese you two this is your Mamaw! I can see you're all dressed up and ready to part-a so you two go on ahead and have yourself some fun.

HANNAH

(as they head for the door) Thanks Mamaw!

JACKSON

See you later.

MAMAW

So what if I was stuck on a cramped plane full of contagious diseases just thinking about those grandkids that I haven't seen in almost a year.

Hannah and Jackson pause in their steps.

HANNAH / JACKSON

Later!

They continue for the door.

MAMAW

Then I lost my luggage. (they pause again) Then my cab broke down but I knew I would forget all that when I was in the warm embrace of my family ... but NO NO wait! They have their friends to go see that have a whole lot life ahead of them than me.

Hannah and Jackson walk back over to her.

JACKSON

Maybe we could stick around and hang out with you.

Hannah and Jackson hold each other's hands crouching together as they whisper.

HANNAH / JACKSON

Please say no! Please say no! Please say no!

MAMAW

Well if that's what you would like. Why don't you go unpack my suitcase I wrapped up some homemade Peanut brittle in my delicates.

HANNAH / JACKSON (hesitantly)

Yum.

***

The following morning Jackson and Miley are sitting at the bench eating breakfast.

JACKSON

I can't believe I had to miss Coop's party!

MILEY

Coop's party! I missed Taylor Swift's party! On a yacht! With that handsome tortured guy from that vampire movie.

JACKSON

You want to talk handsome and tortured? You should've seen Mamaw and me at the beach yesterday.

***

A flashback begins. Jackson is sitting on Mamaw's hand surfing on a board.

MAMAW

Hey Jackson! Check out the lucky lu's! Don't worry girls I'm not his date! I'm his Mamaw! He's cute huh!

***

Back to the present.

JACKSON

She's usually not this clingy! It's like she's trying to pack a year's worth of visits into one week.

MILEY

Ssssh! You'll wake her. The last thing I need is another clean underwear check.

JACKSON

At least you passed yours!

Miley looks sour as the two tip-toe out of the kitchen. Before they can reach the door Mamaw comes walking in from the door.

MAMAW

Whoa! Nothing like a morning jog. And a little appreciative hubba-hubba from one Mister William Shatner!

MILEY

Good for you Mamaw late for school gotta go bye! (Miley and Jackson reach for their schoolbags and put them on)

MAMAW

Good lord you two would have yowl got in those things? I haven't seen anybody drag that much weight around since your daddy's eighth grade chunky phase.

MILEY

It's no big deal Mamaw they're just books!

MAMAW

No big deal? Back when I was the lunch lady at East Northumberland High I stretched munch menues to lug around a pack like that. By his senior year they were calling him scrunch-munch man.

JACKSON

(fake laughter) Oh I could listen to your stories all day. It's ... It's to bad I have to go to school.

They turn for the door.

MAMAW

Now hold on you two! If I wanted fools in the family I'd of married a donkey. And no cracks about your grandpa's ears!

MILEY

Mamaw! We gotta go to school. There's nothing we can do about it now.

MAMAW

You want to bet?

***

Miley and Jackson walk into the school corridor dragging behind them sing-song baby suitcases. A group of people walk past and they hide it behind them.

MILEY

Hey wassup?

Lily and Oliver walk over laughing.

OLIVER

You're gonna love this.

LILY

We heard a couple of nerds were walking down the hall with musical ...

Jackson and Miley present their suitcases.

LILY

Oh ... Hmm let me guess. Mamaw?

MILEY

They were the last ones in the store.

LILY

Hey well you know on the bright side you don't have to worry about anybody stealing them.

OLIVER

Unless an angry mob of kindergartners skip by on their way to recess ...

Lily and Oliver high five each other and walk off laughing.

MILEY

Sweet Niblets!

As they start to walk off and the music sounds behind them a group walk past again and laugh.

JACKSON

Hey it's not our fault! Our Grandma made us do it!

They pick up their suitcases and carry them as they walk into the next room ignoring the laughter of others.

MILEY

Well at least we were able to ditch the matching thermoses.

They hear their Mamaw calling from the stairwell behind.

MAMAW

Hey there you are you silly billies you forgot your matching thermoses! (waves them around)

JACKSON

Just ignore her! Walk away!

They try to hide from their Mamaw but she spots Jackson and throws his thermos at him.

MAMAW
Hey Jackson. Heads up!

She throws the thermos way too far and in order to get it Jackson drops off his bag, jumps over a table and lands right on the cafeteria lady (this is shown in slow-motion)

***

The cafeteria lady gets carried away by the ambulance as the principal confronts Jackson.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE
Now, let's see...who could have caused this? Eeny, meany, miney...Stewart.

JACKSON
Principal Weebie this wasn't my fault.

Mamaw walks over and joins them.

MAMAW
OH, please...that was a perfect spiral!

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE

(interested in Mamaw, charming) Wow! And you are?

MAMAW
Ruthie Ray Stewart. I'm their Mamaw. I am really sorry about all this.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE
Well, broken legs happen and so do two for one early birds special at the beef 'n' waffle.

MAMAW
Well, that is awfully tempting but don't you think you should be looking for a replacement? I mean these kids have got to eat.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE
But where am I gonna find somebody with years of experience of our beloved Jane?

MILEY
Judy!

PRINCIPAL
Whatever!

MAMAW
If I could just but in for a second.

MILEY/JACKSON

(holding hads, chanting) Please don't volunteer, please don't volunteer.

MAMAW
I would like to volunteer.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE
You?

MAMAW
Well, North Central Nashville school district lunch lady of the year 1982 through 99 at your service.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE

(smiles whimsically) Shut up!

MAMAW
You shut up.

They link arms and walk away together. Rico has been watching.

RICO
WOW! I can't imagine anything more embarrassing than that.

MILEY
Oh really? Wait for it!

Miley and Jackson walk off dragging behind them their bags; as the music sounds Rico laughs at them.

***

Mamaw walks into the cafeteria harshly and hits down at a table.

MAMAW

Manderson sit up straight! (walks to another) Gordenski that is a fork not a fork lift! Slow down!

Mamaw walks over to the table where Jackson Miley Lily and Oliver are sitting.

MILEY

Hoods up!

JACKSON

Heads down!

They do this and bury themselves on the table.

MAMAW

I see you! (walks to Lily) Lillian Truscott ...

LILY

Yes ...

MAMAW

You have not touched your lima beans.

LILY

I'm not a big fan of Lima Beans.

MAMAW

Then don't ask them for their autograph!

LILY

Yes ma'am.

She walks over to Jackson who is walking off with his plate.

MAMAW

Hey hey where do you think you're going?

JACKSON

I'm finished.

MAMAW

With all of that coleslaw left I don't think so! (Mamaw drags him back down to the table by the ear) You sit down son that is roughage. You need every single bit of that keep everything moving along regular like.

JACKSON

Mamaw!

MAMAW

Don't you Mamaw me you know the problem you had this morning! We do not need a repeat of that tomorrow!

The kids around begin laughing. As Mamaw walks off they all look as though they are eating their food - but as she is gone they spit it back out.

OLIVER

(he has spat it out on his hands) Yeah a napkin probably would've been a good idea.

Mamaw walks over to Rico who is sitting on the table.

MAMAW

Rico are you comfortable?

RICO

Yeah. Yeah thanks!

MAMAW

That was sarcasm sweetie. (hits table with spoon) Get off the table!

In alarm Rico jumps off the table.

MILEY

That woman is ruining my reputation!

JACKSON

I am never going to live this down!

LILY

Hey guys I think people are a little more mature than you give them credit for.

OLIVER

Yeah they're not going to blame you for what your Mamaw's doing.

RICO

(to Miley and Jackson) You!!! You bought this plague upon us!

The crowd chant in with Rico. Miley stands.

MILEY

Hey! Come on! She's only here for a couple of days. Besides he's the one that (????) on the cafeteria lady just saying!

JACKSON

(to Miley) If we are ever stranded on a desert island I am so to the natives for coconuts!

They start mocking each other as Principal Webbie walks out.

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE

Hello! I have an announcement. Bad news is ... our poor Jackie

CROWD

Judy!

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE

She's going to be out for two months so who cares! But the good news is a certain angel in a hairnet has agreed to take over until she's back!

MILEY/JACKSON (holding hands whispering)

Please don't say it don't say it don't say it!

PRINCIPAL WEEBIE

Ruthie Ray Stewart!

The crowd applaud.

JACKSON

It's official the whole holding hands and chanting thing doesn't work!

Mamaw walks over and embraces her grandchildren.

MAMAW

Oh kids ain't this wonderful! Oh look they're so happy they're speechless!

***

Miley Lily Oliver and Jackson are sitting at the table.

MILEY

We gotta get her to change her mind.

OLIVER
And how are you gonna do that?

MILEY

One of us has to tell her because that's a mature, responsible and fair thing to do...Not me, Ha! (while touching her nose)

JACKSON
You totally cheated!

They start mocking again. Lily and Oliver look at each other and than both leave the table in unison.

***

Jackson walks onto the Stewart front porch with his bag playing the sing-song music. He kicks it furiously.

JACKSON
Alright, lets just do this quick and clean...no emotion. Just like all those girls (now whiny) who broke up with you.

Kicks his bag again.

JACKSON
Stop that!

He walks in. Mamaw is in the kitchen chopping some vegetables.

JACKSON
Mamaw. Hey. I'm glad you're home.

MAMAW
Hey, there he is. The cutest boy at seaview high and a big part of my heart. (grabs his cheek)

JACKSON
Not that big. I mean come on lets face it. I do have a history of disappointing the people I love over and over...and over! You never know when it's gonna happen again. Could be today.

MAMAW
But nothin' is gonna ruin this day for me. Back in the old hairnet again feeding the future of America and spending more time with my babies babies. I tell you something...most teenagers would hate having their grandma working at their school but not mine. I could just squeeze you to death. (snuggles him)

JACKSON

(desperate) Please?

***

At the beach. Lily, Oliver and Miley sit at a table and talk as Jackson comes back and tips Miley's shoulder.

JACKSON
Hey! You know...I've been thinking I mean sure Mamaw can be a little difficult...when you love someone...

MILEY

(interrupting) You wimped out didn't you?

JACKSON
She said I was like half her heart.

Right next to them Rico is arguing with a health inspector.

RICO
What? A hot dog on a stick is fine but when a hot dog is on the floor it's a health violation? Where do you think I found the stick?

The inspector walks off.

RICO
Stupid health inspectors with their "rules" and "regulations". If I didn't own this place...I'd quit.

MILEY
Wait a minute. Health inspector...quit...

LILY / OLIVER / JACKSON
Ahhhh!

MILEY
Hey no fair. That was my Ahhh.

LILY / OLIVER / JACKSON
Ohhhh.

***

Mamaw is in the school kitchen preparing lunch.

MAMAW

There's ten seconds left on the clock. Ruthie Ray Stewart has the potato - she dribbles it down court. She turns left she shoots she - (throws into pot) Splash! Right in the pot! Ra! Ra! The Crowd goes wild!

Miley Lily and Oliver are sitting at the entrance. Lily is shining her flip mirror so she can see what Mamaw's actions are.

MILEY

Is she alone?

OLIVER

What do you see?

LILY

Oh! Oh I am loving this lipstick. I put it on an hour ago and it still looks fresh!

MILEY

Let me see! Oh you're right! Can I borrow it?

LILY

Yeah.

OLIVER

Do you see this is why it's Super-Man! Bat-Man.

LILY

Wonder-Woman.

OLIVER

Wonder-Woman!

Miley grabs him by the shirt.

MILEY

Let it go! (releases Oliver. Whispers) Jackson! The coast is clear!

Jackson walks in from behind the corner dressed in a disguise as an old health inspector.

JACKSON

Once I get done tearing apart her kitchen she'll be gone quicker than I had that coleslaw yesterday!

He walks into the kitchen.

JACKSON

Ar good-morning Madam. Wendell Gutman Los-Angelos Health Inspector (flips identity card by her rapidly)

Mamaw gives him a shifty look.

MAMAW

Nobody said anything to me about a health inspection.

JACKSON

And nobody said anything to me about you having an attitude. Something to hide perhaps?

MAMAW

Absolutely not! The only bug you're going to find is the one in your (????).

Cut to the kids sitting on the entrance.

LILY

(whispering; to Miley) Hey I think she's buying it!

MILEY

Of course she is! Hannah called in a little make up favor from the Star-Wars (????) guy.

OLIVER

Alan Walker?

MILEY / LILY

Nerd alert.

Cuts back to Jackson and Mamaw in the kitchen.

JACKSON

Well let's just see what we find here. (rubs his gloves across table) Na-hah! Nothing ...

MAMAW

Told you!

JACKSON

I'm just getting started. Nothing gets by the Gutman finger!

MAMAW

Oh yeah well quit your talking and get your fingers walking because I got eight hundred kids to cook for!

Jackson rubs his gloves across various parts of the kitchen; repeating his victorious cry each turn - but still nothing. Mamaw rolls her eyes. Cuts to Lily Oliver and Miley who are now standing.

OLIVER

This isn't working!

MILEY

Relax! With Mamaw's temper it's not going to take much more to make her quit.

LILY

But what if he can't find anything!

MILEY

Oh he'll find something. Cover Oliver's mouth!

OLIVER

Why!

As Lily raises her hand over Oliver's lips Miley pulls some hairs from Oliver's head. He whimpers in pain.

MILEY

(holding up hair) Things are about to get a little hairy for Mamaw!

Miley walks into the kitchen. Jackson is rolling his body across the floor in the shape of an angel. Mamaw is in front of him - still nothing.

JACKSON

OK this is crazy they're cleaner than when I put them on!

MAMAW

I believe we are done here!

MILEY

Hey Mamaw. Just wanted to stop by before class. Oohh I didn't know you had a visitor.

MAMAW

He's not a visitor. He's a health inspector looking for something unhealthy. Perhaps he should start with that gut of his man looks like he ate an Ompa-lompa. (she walks over to the opposite side)

MILEY

Oh well I can tell him he won't find anything wrong in your kitchen. (places hairs in noodle casserole) Especially not in your legendary noodle casserole!

JACKSON

(getting himself up) Oh yes. We'll see about that. Yes we will. (walks over) Oh what do we have here. (pulls out hair) Or should I say what do we have hair?

MAMAW

How did that get in there?

JACKSON

Oh I don't know perhaps (????).

MILEY

(offended gasp) You can not talk to my Mamaw that way! She quits! Let's go!

MAMAW

Well wait a minute why on Earth would I quit?

MILEY

Because you are furious! Furious I tell you! Come on Mamaw!

MAMAW

Oh for heaven's sakes it's one little bit of hair now if you will excuse me Mr. Gutman I have got fritters in the fryer.

JACKSON

No it's Inspector Gutman and I'll have you know that I have nose for this sort of thing.

MAMAW

(closing in on him) And then some!

Mamaw walks away.

JACKSON

Insult the way madam but in my experience where there's one hair there's usually a clump not far behind.

Oliver comes out into view; clutching his head.

OLIVER

(????)

He runs out. Lily follows.

LILY

Haha! What a wimp! Me and my hair are going to go yell at him for you! Bye!

Clutching her head she runs off after him.

MILEY

(whispering to Jackson) What do we do now?

JACKSON

(whispering) Are those your new extensions?

MILEY

Yes don't they look so ... (clutches hair) No!

JACKSON

Would you rather spend the next two months with your back-pack going (sing-song voice) round and round round and round!

Reluctantly she pulls out an extension. She walks over to the steaming pot and throws it in.

MILEY

Forgive me!

MAMAW

(walking over) Are you still here?

JACKSON

Oh I am here alright! And if I find one more violation you will never be rid of me! (Mamaw and Miley walk over to the bench as Jackson looks in the pot) I will haunt you for every day of every hour for the rest of your miserable life! Like a ghost! Whoooaaa!

MILEY

No job is worth this kind of torment! I say you walk right out! Right now I tell you! Come on!

MAMAW

Oh fish cats! He isn't finding anything!

Jackson comes out of the pot with the spoon holding a potato. Miley's extensions are dangling off the end and Jackson's nose has melted off.

JACKSON

Na-ha! I told you I had a nose for this sort of thing.

MAMAW

Yes and it is dripping all over my clean floor!

Mamaw pulls off the fake nose.

MILEY

(dumbfounded voice) Jackson! What is going on?

MAMAW

I think I know exactly what is going on. (hurt) You two wanted me to quit so badly (throws nose in pot) -- Congratulations. You got your wish!

She storms out.

***

Mamaw is in the Stewart house playing the piano. Miley and Jackson (still in his disguise) enter.

MILEY

Mamaw ...

MAMAW

I think you two have said quite enough. I think maybe it's my turn to talk now.

JACKSON

Oh boy.

MAMAW

Come on. Come up here.

The three congregate around the mirror near the stairwell.

MAMAW

Take a look in that mirror. You know what I see?

MILEY

Two really apologetic grand kids?

JACKSON

Who love you ... very much.

MAMAW

I see grandchildren who are obviously embarrassed by their grandma but they didn't have the good sense to come out and tell her how they really felt. You know who the biggest offender is?

Miley and Jackson point at each other.

MAMAW

No I'm talking about the red-headed grandchild in the middle.

MILEY

What?

MAMAW

Oh come on you two you know I used to be a grandchild once myself. When I was driving back here I was thinking about how my grandma used to love to embarrass me at all the school dances.

They start to head for the couch.

JACKSON

She chaperoned the dances?

MAMAW

Oh lord I wish. She was the DJ! You have no idea how humiliating it is to hear your Mamaw (???) to the entire gymnasium. Babba Joe ask Ruthie Ray to dance! She's (?????) it's the least you can do Babba.

MILEY

Wait wasn't grandpa's nickname Babba?

MAMAW

Hey I didn't say it didn't work. The point is I think I was just so excited to be a part of your lives again that I ... that I may have over done it a smidge.

JACKSON

A smidge!

MAMAW

You know what just because I embarrassed you does not mean you can sas me Gutman!

JACKSON

Yes ma'am.

MILEY

And we're really sorry. We should've told you how we felt from the beginning and ... I really wish there was something we could do to make it up to you.

JACKSON

Hey maybe the three of us could spend Saturday together?

MAMAW

Oh sweetie. Actually ... I already have plans.

***

Ruthie and Principle Weebie are surfing in the waves - Ruthie is holding Webbie as she did Jackson.

MAMAW

How you doing up there Weebie?

PRINCIPLE WEEBIE

Top of the world Ruthie! Top of the world!

MAMAW

Haha!

***

Rico is working behind the counter at his Shack as another health inspector approaches.

HEALTH INSPECTOR

Health Inspector! (flips identity) I'm here to do a follow up.

RICO

Nice try Jackson. I heard about your little performance at school.

INSPECTOR

I have no idea what you're talking about!

RICO

(mocking) "I have no idea what you're talking about" And this is my real nose to! Please! (pulls at the Inspector's nose) Whoa that sucker's really on there!

INSPECTOR

Get your hands off me!

RICO

Well I'll give you points for staying in character. (jumps on counter) But let's see how strong this wig is!

He jumps on the Inspector's back and starts pulling at his hair. Jackson walks over.

JACKSON

Hey Rico. Make a new friend?

RICO

(straightening Inspector's hair) So argh ... can I pay the fine by credit card or would you prefer a cheque?

***

Hannah Montana © to the Walt Disney Company. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.