3x11 - Knock, Knock, Knockin' on Jackson's Head

Robby finishes making his final pancake and flips it onto a plate; walking over to Miley and Jackson at the table singing.

ROBBY

Who wants the last "achey breaky", "everybody wakey", "do a little shakey" pancakey?

The two pull at the plate from opposite ends.

JACKSON

You've already had two piggy! (snorts)

MILEY

Oh, wow! I didn't know you could count that high. Now, give it! (she pulls even harder)

JACKSON

I'm still a growing boy!

MILEY

Not since the fourth grade you're not. Now hand it over!

Robby takes control of the plate.

ROBBY

Look, your mama wanted kids. I wanted dogs. Now work it out.

MILEY

You're right. Jackson, I have a simple solution. (she takes the pancakes and licks it. She puts it back on the plate) Ha!

Jackson responds by taking the pancake and biting it.

JACKSON

Ha! (he begins to run off upstairs; Miley chases him but turns back) Sixteen years and still making rookie mistakes!

MILEY

Dad, how about I make you a little deal. We move. Don't say where we're going and I'll get you any dog you want.

ROBBY

Darling, you say that now, but when he goes away to College I guarantee you're going to miss him.

MILEY

(laughs) And Jackson says you're not funny!

ROBBY

You know your Uncle Earl and I we used to fight all the time. When he went away to College those were the four saddest days of my life.

MILEY

Dad I can honestly tell you I am not going to miss that pancake poaching syrup stealing mud crunkie!

ROBBY

Honey I know your brothers got a lot of faults ... one of them being that he don't think I'm funny ... let's face it. My Scooby Doo is way better than his. (????)

MILEY

(???) That's hilarious.

ROBBY

Anyway the point is you're brother and sister. For me. Just try and work it out.

MILEY

OK Fine. I'll try it. Just for you.

***

With Jackson at the front door and Miley at the couch the two are stretching out Miley's tights.

MILEY

Let go of my tights!

JACKSON

Not until you apologize for ruining my razor rainbow sandpaper legs! Or did you use it to shave your girlstache!

MILEY

Well at least I can grow a girlstache. Now let go! You're ruining them.

Robby walks in.

ROBBY

Dangflabit! Can't a man bleach his teeth in peace around here?

MILEY

He started it!

Eventually the tights break - and Jackson falls out the door.

MILEY

Ooopsie.

She and Robby race out to find Jackson lying on the front porch rubbing his head in confusion.

ROBBY

Son. You OK?

JACKSON

Ow my head!

MILEY

You're head? My tights!

Robby gives Miley a stern look as Jackson sits himself up.

JACKSON

Who are you guys?

MILEY

Very funny Jackson.

JACKSON

Who's Jackson?

Robby feels Jackson's head.

ROBBY

Oh sweet Pete I think he's serious!

JACKSON

Who's Sweet Pete? Oh my gosh I don't know anything!

MILEY

OK now let's not panic. It's not like he knew that much before.

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY~RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

Lily is sitting on the couch in Miley's house while Miley paces around in worry.

MILEY

They have been gone for two hours what is taking them so long!

LILY

I know what it is. The doctors have never seen a brain as small as Jackson's. They probably want to do some experiments on it ... put it in a jar or something.

MILEY

Lily this is serious! And besides it wouldn't be a jar. Be more like a little thimble.

Jackson followed by Robby walk in through the front door.

ROBBY

Well we're waiting on some test results ... but it looks like amnesia. The good news is ... it only lasts a few weeks.

MILEY

He ... really doesn't remember anything?

ROBBY

Well he remembers some things ... but others are a complete blank.

Jackson is rubbing a pillow against his cheek

ROBBY

Watch! Jackson, Who is the first President of the United States?

JACKSON

George Washington!

ROBBY

And who am I?

JACKSON

George Washington?

ROBBY

I'm your father!

JACKSON

My father is George Washington?

LILY

(yelling) NO! Your father is Robby Ray Stewart

JACKSON

Why is she yelling at me George?

ROBBY

Boy!

(Miley and Lily are looking pitfully at Jackson)

MILEY

Wait! Do you remember who I am?

JACKSON (doubtful)

My Girlfriend?

Miley and Lily are both freaking.

MILEY

No, no. I am your sister. Lily please hit me over the head so I forget that I said that.

She hits Miley over the head.

JACKSON (still doubtful towards Lily)

Are you my Girlfriend?

LILY (yelling again)

No, eh see. You don't have a Girlfriend!

JACKSON

Make her stop yelling at me George!

ROBBY

I got an idea! Why don't I get a few family-momentos, a few photos... see if I can jog his memory a little bit. (flips his fingers) I know a way to do it!

MILEY (interfering)

Dad, please do not get out that stinkin' old mullet again!

ROBBY

I am not doing it for me, I am doing it for the health and well-being of my son! - Heyo mullet, Pappa is taking you for a ride...

Miley and Lily are staring at Jackson who is looking for something on the table. As he looks at the two girls they put a fake smile on their faces.

MILEY

So, you really don't remember anything about us?

JACKSON

Sorry...well I know that you are my sister, cause that's what you told me. Is there anything else you could tell me? Like, do we get along?

MILEY

Get along? Are you kidding? (nudging Lily and shaking her head and still laughing) You.... (now serious), wash up the ground I walk on.

JACKSON

Oh, OK!

LILY

Excuse us for a second (pulling Miley aside) Are you sure you wanna do this?

MILEY

Come on! Dad says it's only for a few weeks. Why don't we have a little fun?

(speaking to Jackson) Hey, by the way, you love making my bed, vaccuming my room and making me breakfast. (Jackson nods)

LILY

Oh, oh, oh, and eh...you owe me twenty bucks. (Jackson is giving her the money, Miley is looking at Lilly in disbelief)...What, you can do it and I can't?

***

Lily is sitting on the counter outside Rico's Shack completing her homework. Rico is working on duty.

LILY

In triangle A B and C if A and B are acute angles and cosign A equals ten over thirteen what is the value of cosign A? What kind of mutant alien mind would know that!

RICO

8.306328662918075.

LILY

O -

RICO

(interrupts) Over thirteen.

LILY

(seductively) Hey Rico do you want to help me with my ...

RICO

Forget it! I've got my own problems. My cousin Angus is coming from Australia.

LILY

You have a cousin named Angus?

RICO

His real name is Alejandro Nunes Gonzales Umberto Sifuentes.

LILY

Why do you call him Angus?

RICO

Because it's easier than calling him Alejandro Nunes Gonzales Umberto Sifuentes. I hate it when he visits! Obnoxious jerk. All he ever does is one up me. I catch a fish - he wrestles and alligator. I'm voted model student of the month - he's voted Australia's swim suit model of the year!

Angus comes walking up from the beach.

ANGUS

G'day mate!

LILY

And the torture begins!

Angus begins to walk over.

LILY

Hey he looks just like ...

RICO

Yeah yeah yeah I know. He's gorgeous don't rub it in.

ANGUS

S'cuse me love. (????) Ricky it's good to see ya!

RICO

Yeah yeah you to (?????).

ANGUS

And that shirt ... Crickey! I like the way how you don't give a dingle about how you look! Good on ya mate!

LILY

Yeah? Well I'm kinda busy here with my very successful beach front bistro.

They look around and see the place deserted other than Lily.

ANGUS

Right. Well whenever you can pull yourself away you've gotta grab some grub with me and my sweetie!

Cute girl Barbie comes walking across.

ANGUS

Why here she is now!

The two wave at each other.

LILY

Oh she's pretty ... (looks at Rico) probably not very bright.

ANGUS

Cous I'd like you to meet Barbie!

BARBIE

Hi!

LILY

(mouthful of hot dog) Hi.

RICO

Yeah ... well I'd like you to meet my sweetie (jumps counter and puts arms around Lily) Lily.

Lily spits out her hot dog.

LILY

What!

RICO

Yep. How's my little love monkey.

LILY

Love what!

RICO

(under his breath) Want a math tutor or not?

LILY

(turns to Angus and Barbie) Argh we're free after school tomorrow if that's OK with you ... love monkey.

***

Jackson is in the kitchen. Hannah walks downstairs and looks at herself in the mirror.

HANNAH

Dad! How long does it take to put on a hat and mustache? I got the limo out front hottest styles every ... let's go already!

Jackson walks over with a glass of milkshake.

JACKSON

There she is. The prettiest sister in the whole world and the greatest pop star ever.

HANNAH

Oh you're so sweet.

They start for the door.

JACKSON

You know what else is sweet? You favorite pre-concert stra-nana berry protein milkshake!

HANNAH

Yay!

Takes the glass.

JACKSON

Just like you told me I've been making for years.

HANNAH

(ruffles Jackson's hair) Just trying to jog the old memory!

Robby walks down.

ROBBY

It may just be a hat and a mustache to you ... but to me it's my entire disguise and I take it very seriously! (looks in mirror) Whoa wee! Who is that handsome devil?

HANNAH

(to Jackson) Napkin me.

JACKSON

(doing as he is told) Anything for you my goddess.

ROBBY

My goddess?

JACKSON

Yeah. That's my nickname for her. At least that's what it said in my diary.

He walks off into the kitchen.

ROBBY

(to Hannah) His diary?

HANNAH

Yeah. I was up all night writing it! You know I was just trying to help him remember the person that he was ... or should've been.

ROBBY

Miley you might not want to ...

HANNAH

Don't worry I threw a little something in there for you too. Look try out the old scoobie.

ROBBY

He doesn't like my scoobie.

HANNAH

Trust me.

As Jackson walks over with Hannah's bottle of water Robby does his Scooby Doo impersonation.

JACKSON

(laughing) My diary was right! Your scooby is genius!

HANNAH

See! And you said he couldn't be changed. Travel mug please.

JACKSON

(handing it to her) Done and done oh most awesomest divine delight of my life.

ROBBY

Divine delight of my life? Let me guess. Your diary.

HANNAH

He got it word for word! His memory just keeps getting better and better!

***

At the beach, Lilly and Rico are sitting at a table and Lily is reading a little card

LILY
"My Rico is the love monkey who carries me off into a magical jungle of romance"?...I can't say this, I got last nights lasagne coming up just thinking about it.

RICO
And I hope you like flunking math(not sure about that!!!)

LILY
You're an evil little monkey, aren't you!

RICO
And loving it! (Dances away full of joy)

Miley walks over and joins Lily.

MILEY
Oh look, it's the Rico blackmail dance. What's he got on you?

LILY (Fumed)
I have to pretend to be Ricos girlfriend so he'll tutor me in math.

MILEY
Been there.(shudder) BUT, if it helps at all, my life, is fantastic!

LILY
That helps me how?

MILEY
Well, good morning selfish-sally!
Jacksons amnesia is the best thing that is ever happened to me. This morning he made me breakfest, cleaned my room and made my bed...all while my nails dried

LILY
He did your nails?

MILEY
Both sets and he pumiced, feel my heels (Lily rubs Mileys heels) Like a babies butt, huh?

Miley is looking behind her back and is seeing a cute guy coming in from the beach

MILEY
Oh my gosh. Look, it's Gabe Lamotti!

LILY
Huh? Hottie Lamotti with the swimmers body?

MILEY
Oh my gosh, he is looking at me! I have been giving subtle hints for two years!

LILY

OK Totally messing up his name every time you talk to him is not a subtle hint.

MILEY

(fake laughter) I do not do that!

As she stands from her seat she bumps into Gabe who is passing.

GABE

Hey Miley!

MILEY

(lost for words) Hottie ... Gottie ... body ... Gabe.

Lily shakes her head.

GABE

How you doing?

MILEY

Good. (triumphantly) I am so good I am so good!

GABE

So argh ... you feel like taking a walk on the beach?

MILEY

That would be so ...

GABE

Good?

MILEY

Good yeah good.

Jackson walks over and steps in between the two of them. He pushes Gabe aside and squirts some sunscreen onto the palm of his hand.

JACKSON

(to Miley) There you are! Left the house without your sunscreen silly girl!

Jackson begins applying it to her arm.

MILEY

I think I'm covered.

JACKSON

Not yet you aren't. I wouldn't want my little sister to get burned. And speaking of getting burned ... (turns to Gabe) You are?

GABE

Argh ... I'm Gabe.

JACKSON

Grade point average?

GABE

Twenty-two?

JACKSON

Any plans for College?

GABE

(laughs slightly) Not yet.

JACKSON

(beginning to corner him) Career goals?

GABE

I'm only sixteen!

JACKSON

Get out!

GABE

What!

JACKSON

I said get out Mister Man!

GABE

(to Miley) Listen ... I'll catch you later Miley.

He walks away.

MILEY

(grasping air) No! No! No! (she turns angrily to Jackson) You!

JACKSON

I know that was close wasn't it! But don't worry from now on Gabey Baby and any other seemingly perfect male specimen will never get near you again. (he walks around to Miley's back and begins to rub sunscreen)

MILEY

(arms folded) Never?

JACKSON

(assuringly) Ever! Now let me get those ears! (he rubs Miley's ears)

***

At the school floor. Miley is putting her bag in her locker and Jackson is standing right next to her with a little bag in his hand

JACKSON
Here's your lunch, grilled ham and cheese cut in the shape of a heart! (Miley is looking at him pretty annoyed) Cause I love you!

As two students pass they laugh at Miley.

MILEY
Go away! (Closes her locker and walks away from Jackson)

JACKSON (following her)
Oh, don't worry I used soy cheese, you know how dairy cheese makes the Miley-train go. Toot Toot! (makes an armswing as he pulls on a trucks horn)

Miley looks angry, Jackson walks away and passes Lily through the corridor.

JACKSON
Hey Lily, don't you look cute as a button! (Lily looks very confused at Miley as she walks over)

MILEY
He is suffocating me!

The bell rings for classes to start.

LILY
Yeah! Well I'd still take your amnesia brother over evil little monkey love, yukety-yuck, gross, disgusting... (the two are walking in their class - CUT - coming back out of their class) ...slimy, repulsive, bottom-feeding, ferret-faced little math freak.

MILEY
Well other than that, hubba-hubba right?

Gabe walks over

GABE
Hey Miley, we got kind of interrupted yesterday.

MILEY
Babe (correcting herself; shy)...Gabe...Hi!

JACKSON (squeezes himself between Miley and Gabe)
Babe...Gabe...BYE! Your handsome is not welcome here.

GABE
Wow. No girl is worth this (pointing on Jackson as he walks away)

JACKSON (yelling after him)
Yeah, Yeah just keep on walking and that goes for every b-slide babe magnet in this school. That means you and you... (points on some random guys standing in the background) not so much you...but...(to another guy who walks through the scene)

Miley stands there with her mouth open, obviously she can't believe what Jackson just did

JACKSON

Wait till you see the guy that I found for you .(you hear a whistling sound than you see a strange lookin nerd)

MILEY (shocked, grabs Lily who looks ashamed to the floor)
It's nose-whistle Wallie!

WALLIE (whistling)
Hi Miley!

Miley laughs ashamed

JACKSON
4.1 pre-accepted into harvard and he comes from money.

School bell rings

WALLIE
I'll call you later. (walks away and seems to be happy)

JACKSON
Can I pick 'em or what?

***

Robby is sitting on the couch on the phone.

ROBBY

Aha.

Miley storms in and joins her father.

MILEY

The new Jackson is ruining my life! I swear if the Doctor hadn't said the amnesia was only temporary I would create a third identity just to get away from him! ... oh a red head this time! Curly maybe ...

ROBBY

OK. Thanks Doc.

He hangs up.

ROBBY (CONT'D)

Well ... you might want to go wig shopping. The Doctor just gave me the test results ... it says this could possibly last for years.

MILEY

Years?

ROBBY

Possibly forever.

MILEY

Daddy who better be ready to catch me say what?

ROBBY

What?

Miley faints into her fathers arms.

***

Jackson is sitting on the couch watching Hannah Montana on the television perform her hit "Let's Chill"

JACKSON

(waving his hands in the air) Whoa! I love you Hannah Montana! She's my sister.

Miley walks down with a box.

MILEY

Jackson ...

JACKSON

Hold on sis. It's my Hannah Montana power hour. You are amazing!

Miley places the box on the couch and sits beside him.

MILEY

And you are the perfect brother.

JACKSON

Well thank you.

MILEY

Which is why you must be destroyed!

JACKSON

(switches off television) Excuse me?

MILEY

Jackson! (grabs box) Who you think you are is not who you really are. This is what I made you. I turned you into the brother that I thought I wanted. The truth is you're bratty ... and stinky ... and sloppy and smelly stinky and horrible to live with and ... and you're stinky! But I would take that over this!

JACKSON

Oh you! Talented and funny! As if I needed more reasons to adore you!

MILEY

You don't adore me!

JACKSON

Yeah it says I do in my diary.

MILEY

I wrote you diary! (reaches for diary) See look. What boy dots his eyes with hearts?

JACKSON

I thought I was just sensitive!

MILEY

Look. (gets pen) This is my handwriting and I'll prove it to you. (she writes as she speaks) I love Miley. See!

JACKSON

You're right. It's identical. We both dot our eyes with hearts!

Miley starts hitting herself on the head with the diary. Jackson places a fluffy pillow in between Miley's head and the diary.

***

At the beach. Lily and Rico as well as Barbie and Angus are sitting on beach towels.

BARBIE
Until we met, my life was an empty pit of despair. I love you Angus! (lays her head on his shoulder)

ANGUS
Right back at you my Didgeridoo.

RICO
Yeah, yeah. Touching! Get a load of this. You're on tuts (whispering, then he pushes Lil3y's head onto his shoulder)

LILY
Eh, My Rico is the eh, magical monkey love of my hearts ... (Barbie and Angus look at each other confused) jungle monkey. (finally manages to get her head off his shoulder)

RICO
This is why you're flunkin math. You don't study! (Lily grabs the back of Rico's head and he starts to fake laugh)

ANGUS
You call that romantic? I'll show you romantic! (turns on some salsa music and dances with Barbie)

Lily is looking at them very impressed.

RICO
You call that dancing? I'll show you dancing! (turns on his radio, some 60's/70's rock'n roll music. He starts to dancing around awkwardly. Lily looks ashamed as he grabs her from behind). Follow my lead!

LILY
Follow your whaaa...?

A dance competiton between the four of them is taking place. As they dance Rico and Angus both walking backwards and eventually the backs of them are touching. A big Gong sounds! Both are getting ready for a fight. Some typical Matrix moves.
The whole fight is pretty weird with saltos and backspins and highflying jumps...

Finally Rico tosses Angus out of the beach area.

***

The Stewart house. Miley is still trying to remember Jackson who he really is. You can see a Hannah Montana cardboard but with facial hair!

MILEY

How do you not remember this? You made the beard out of your own armpit hair - smell it, that is all you (rubs the cardboard under his nose)

JACKSON
What kind of a twisted jerk would do that?

MILEY
The same jerk that made this (points out a dart board). The Hannah Montana dart board, we've got the Hannah Mon-toilet seat (shows him a toilet seat with the face of Hannah Montana and some hairs) and the Hannah Mon-slamma bop bag (a punching ball with a face of Hannah Montana, already with a black eye and a tooth space. Miley hits it!)
Try it, it's fun!

JACKSON

(refusing to accept that) No, no

MILEY
Move on, come on!

JACKSON
No, I could never do that!

You hear a scream and a sound of a crashing plane. Angus lands on the Stewart's front porch.

ANGUS
G'day mates! S'cuse me for dropping in, which way to Rico's?

Miley and Jackson both point in the same direction

ANGUS
Good on you, mates! (gives them two thumbs up as he walks off)

Miley and Jackson continue their conversation like nothing has happened

MILEY

(grabs a whoopee cushion) Come on Jackson, you gotta remember this one. I finally got Bobby Lenworthy to come over and watch a movie with me (puts the cushion on the couch) and look. (She sits down on the cushion you hear a fart noise)

JACKSON
I would never do something that immature. Farts aren't funny!

MILEY

(offended; gasps) HUHHHHH...farts aren't funny (almost crying) Oh no, Jackson, Jackson, Jackson (holding his chin and rubbing his cheek)

Robby enters the room

ROBBY
Mile, what's wrong?

MILEY
(whining) He's gone daddy. Our little boy is gone (hugs her father)

ROBBY
You miss him, huh?

MILEY
More than I ever thought I would. I want my rotten stinkin, pancake stealing brother back.

JACKSON
Well it sure took you long enough (throws a dart arrow at the dart board) Right in the nose just above the Hannah-stache

MILEY
(confused) Jackson?... (happy - to have her brother back) Jackson!... (angry - realises that it was just a prank) Jackson!!!

JACKSON
What do you think this is, an episode of Gilligan's Island?

MILEY
So this is all a joke? Daddy, I think you know what you gotta do?

ROBBY
Yes I do! Way to go son! (High fives Jackson)

MILEY
(to Robby) Wait wait wait? You were part of this? Why?

ROBBY
To hear you say what you just now said: I want my brother back! I know he drives you crazy sometimes but I think you know now that the brother you have is the brohter you want.

JACKSON
And I did it cause he promised me a car.

MILEY
You are the most selfish, self centered and miserable excuse for a brother in the world.

Jackson makes a gesture and holds out his arms for a hug; Miley embraces him.

MILEY
Welcome back!

Robby joins Miley and Jackson in a hug.

***

Back at the beach outside Rico's. Lily and Barbie are sitting at a table still watching Rico and Angus fighting.

LILY
I don't get it. You seem nice, why do you like that Kangoo-runt

BARBIE
I don't, what I like is passing spanish and the Didgerie-dork promised to tutor me. - Duck - (Rico and Angus run over the table)

LILY
No way. My little Kun-fool promised to tutor me in math - Heads up - (they run over the table again)

BARBIE
You know, I'm pretty good in math...

LILY
And I'm A.P. in Spanish... Hey we don't need them we can tutor each other.

BARBIE
You're on! We should propably tell them the deal is off.

LILY
You know, I would. But it's not in my notecards! (takes out notecards)

BARBIE
Mine either.

The two dismiss their cards and throw them on the ground as Rico and Angus continue fighting ...

***

Hannah Montana © to the Walt Disney Company. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.