Lily, Oliver and Miley are at the beach. Lily and Oliver are feeding each other with little cookies. Miley is knitting.
LILY
Num num num num...
OLIVER
Num num num num...
MILEY
E...nou...nou...nou...nou...nough already.
LILY
Miley, honey. I know it's hard being around people in love. You're being so tragically alone and all but let's try not to be bitter, OK?
MILEY
I have no problem not having a boyfriend.
LILY
Right, it's not like you're gonna turn into some old biddy who knits all day searching for ways to fill her empty social life.
They look over and see that some children are skipping with Miley's long knitted object.
MILEY
Hey, Christmas will be here before you know it and Uncle Earl has a thick neck. (to one of the girls) Keep your knees up, Wendy.
OLIVER
Maybe when you're done you can knit yourself a guy.
MILEY
Keep it up and I'll knit your mouth shut.
MILEY
Hey, Christmas will be here before you know it and Uncle Earl has a thick neck. (to one of the girls) Keep your knees up, Wendy.
OLIVER
Maybe when you're done you can knit yourself a guy.
MILEY
Keep it up and I'll knit your mouth shut.
Miley ushers the needle towards Oliver - Lily breaks it up.
LILY
OK, alright! You know what would relief that tension? Love!
MILEY
(getting up from chair) I do not need a boyfriend.
LILY
OK, alright! You know what would relief that tension? Love!
MILEY
(getting up from chair) I do not need a boyfriend.
As Lily and Oliver rise from their seats as well Oliver talks to some guys that walk past.
OLIVER
Ah, I'm on it. (stands up and claps his hands) Yo! Single dudes, listen up I got a perfectly good girl here good height-weight ratio not hard to look at, let's start the bidding at...Whaaa (Miley pulls the towel under Oliver's feet and he trips)...She's got a little temperament issue but I think the right guy could tame her...(Miley grabs his nose)...Miley, you're blowing the sales pitch.
MILEY
Look, I love that you guys care but could you care just a little bit less? I can get a boyfriend on my own.
OLIVER
Well, you might wanna speed it up cause you're starting to look a little pathetic
Miley raises her hand to hit Oliver but then stops
MILEY
(to Lily) Oh sorry he's your boyfriend now, may I?
LILY
Oh, just not the face, I love that face.
Miley punches Oliver's shoulder
LILY
Oh, just not the face, I love that face.
Miley punches Oliver's shoulder
***
Miley Lily and Oliver are entering a restaurant.
MILEY
See - we went to the movies just like before you two were dating and I had a great time. I do not need a boyfriend to be happy.
LILY
(nervously as she sits) Aha ...
OLIVER
(nervously as he sits) Right ...
MILEY
Why are there four place settings?
Lily and Oliver look down nervously.
MILEY
Oh come on! I told you guys to stop setting me up!
A cute guy enters and sides Miley.
TIM
Hey I'm Tim. You must be Miley?
Miley kneels down to Lily and Oliver.
MILEY
Then again - a girl's gotta be open to new experiences. (turning to Tim attractively) Why hello Tim.
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY-RAY CYRUS
"HANNH MONTANA"
***
In the restaurant Miley and Tim are now sitting opposite each other on the table.
MILEY
(dreamily) So argh ... you went to camp with ... um ... (she begins cramping on Lily as she is transfixed by Tim's looks)
LILY
(whispers) LILY!
MILEY
Right whatever.
TIM
Yeah. Lily was really only one of my friends there. I was kinda ... skinny ... and nerdy.
MILEY
Well. The years have certainly been kind to you.
TIM
You have the cutest accent.
MILEY
(putting on an exaggerated Tennessean accent) Well di-di-do-di-do! I do believe I am a blushin'.
Miley goes to take off her jacket.
TIM
Hey let me help you with that.
MILEY
(whispering to Lily) Whoa.
LILY
I know!
OLIVER
(fake laughter) Aha ... OK - eyes on your own date Lilypop!
LILY
Oh Olliepop there's no reason to be jealous.
By now Tim has taken Miley's jacket.
OLIVER
Pfftt! I'm not jealous. I just meant - did you guys take a look at the special board? It's right over there! Right over that region. Right over those mountains.
MILEY
(as Tim takes a seat) So ... what high school do you go to?
TIM
Oh well ... I actually graduated early. I'll be at U.C.L.A in the fall. Prime ed.
LILY
(to Miley) Ha ha ha - you're welcome.
The waitress comes to the table.
JENNY
Hi. I'll be your waitress - my name is Jenny.
Tim makes a nervous laugh and looks away.
MILEY
Are you OK?
TIM
Yeah! It's just ... my ex-girlfriends' name was Jenny. And I haven't heard that name since ... the break up.
He covers his face with his fist. Lily and Oliver lean in on each other at the table and whisper.
OLIVER
Break up?!
LILY
I didn't know!
TIM
Whoa! I'm OK. Just got ... caught off guard there. Um ... shall we order?
MILEY
(with hesitation) OK .... (looking at the menu) So - how's the (????) dip?
TIM
(hysterical tone) Artichoki dip! That was Jenny's favorite! (hides his face again)
MILEY
(pushing glass of water towards him) Would you argh ... would you like some water?
TIM
Jenny loved water!
Hides his face down again in sadness.
MILEY
Oh sweet niblets!
***
Jackson walks onto the beach outside Rico's Shack to find Rico standing by a pack of balloons with Rico's face on it.
JACKSON
Ah. Balloons with your face on it. Oh I get it. You know - always wanted to pop you one.
He takes a piece of cutlery from a nearby table and pops a balloon.
RICO
Hey hey hey! Those are for advertising!
JACKSON
Well they certainly got my attention. (takes a balloon and embraces it) I mean look at you - you're so cute! I just want to hug you and squeeze you so tight ... (he squeezes the balloon and it pops) Oops!
RICO
You've just cost yourself an ex-Christmas bonus.
JACKSON
I don't even get a Christmas bonus.
RICO
Well you do now ... and now you don't. Just ... (hands balloons to Jackson) pass them out along the beach. And try to look smarter than the balloon.
JACKSON
Fine ... anything to get away from you ...
As Jackson walks away he finds the balloons are helium - and they fly him up into the air out of sight. Rico glares up after him.
RICO
Jackson! What are you doing! Get back down here.
JACKSON
Oh ... oh yeah this is my fault ... Max. Do something!
MAX
Argh ... grab the blanket!
The crowd carry the blanket over to position for Jackson's landing.
RICO
Hey Jackson! While you're up there yell "Eat at Rico's"!
JACKSON
Rico!
RICO
No no no ... Eat at Rico's.
Jackson throws his flip flop down to Rico.
RICO
OK OK OK ... A little more to the right. No no no ... back to the left. A little more ... a little more.
The people holding the blanket are now in the opposite direction to Rico.
RICO
OK. Jackson let go!
JACKSON
Argh!!!!
Jackson falls down onto the beach opposite where the blanket people are positioned.
***
Night. Hannah comes down the Stewart stairs talking to her friend Traci Van Horn on the phone.
HANNAH
Hey Traci. The limo just called. We'll be at your place in fifteen.
TRACI (V/O)
Super!
Lily and Oliver rush in the front door.
LILY
Hey Miley! We have the best news ...
HANNAH
(covering phone) Ssshh! I'm on the phone to Traci.
LILY
Oh. (takes phone) Excuse me. Hey Traci - it's Lola. Just wanted to say hey and ... B.T.W. ... I hate your outfit!
TRACI (V/O)
You can't see my outfit!
LILY
Oh ... Oh ... did I see outfit? I meant face!
TRACI
Argh! I'm hanging up!
LILY
No you're not!
Lily hangs the phone up and hands it to Hannah.
OLIVER
I love it when you take charge and cut people off in the middle ...
LILY
Hush Oliver! We're here for a reason.
OLIVER
Oh yeah.
HANNAH
First ... ewgh! And second ... if the reason is to set me up on another blind date ... forget about it!
LILY
We know and we're sorry. We made a mistake ... we never should've tried to pick a guy for you.
HANNAH
Exactly.
OLIVER
From now on we're going to let you choose for your self.
HANNAH
Thank you.
LILY
That's why this time we bought pictures!
HANNAH
Oh no.
Lily takes out a picture and Oliver plays some music.
LILY
Bachelor number one is a Junior at (????) academy of a (????) who loves history ...
HANNAH
Lily stop!
OLIVER
(changes photo) Bachelor number two - also a Junior at snowboarding - playing the guitar.
HANNAH
I'm leaving!
Hannah walks out closing the door.
OLIVER
Bachelor number three ...
LILY
Oh forget it Oliver. She's gone.
OLIVER
Whoaw. You cut me and the music off. (attractively) Ollie-pop likey!
***
Hannah is sitting in a limo - as Traci enters with a guy.
TRACI
Hannah!
HANNAH
Traci!
TRACI
Kiss kiss.
(Kiss)
HANNAH
Who's this?
TRACI
Adam. My new beau. Isn't he fabo!
ADAM
I love the way you say fabo.
TRACI
I love the way you love the way I say say fabo!
The two snuggle noses.
HANNAH
Why do couples have to be so annoying?
TRACI
Fooled you! Adam's not my boyfriend. He's an actor I hired ... to play my boyfriend.
HANNAH
You hired a fake boyfriend?
TRACI
Well actually ... I prefer the term "fou-beau".
HANNAH
And I know I'm going to regret this ... but what do you need your "fou-beau" fou?
TRACI
(sighs) To get my clingy ex-boyfriend off my back! Once he gives up ... Adam "moves away" but we keep up a long distance relationship because we're so "dough" in love!
HANNAH
Oh my gosh! Traci - that's genius! So is Adam available to fake date a friend of mine ... who's ... single by choice and wishes her friends would get off her back because she doesn't need a guy to complete her! (Traci and Adam look at her bizarrely) She tells me everything.
***
Max and Jackson (who is in a cast) are sitting on Jackson's couch watching the football. Jackson is trying to reach for his burger
MAX
He's open! He's open! Oh man. That is one of the biggest no-hands.
JACKSON
Yeah. I sort of know how he feels. (pause as he sits back up) Little help here?
MAX
Oh sorry man.
Max takes Jackson's burger and raises it to Jackson's mouth for him. His eyes are content on the television and as he swings his arms in excitement the burger goes flying.
MAX
Go baby! Go! Go! GO! (sits down and puts his hand up for a high-five)
JACKSON
You're a big help Max.
MAX
Hey man I'm here for you.
Rico enters carting a trolley with goodies.
RICO
Heyo buddio. I bought you a little something. They wanted to add balloons ... but I thought it was a bit ... to soon.
Rico precedes to the couch beside Jackson.
JACKSON
Whoa Rico. Thanks. (approaching Rico) But you know what would make me feel a lot better? If you put your face in front of my fist!
Jackson swings out at Rico and he dodges.
RICO
(backing away) You're upset ... I ... I ... understand! But I bet a nice zasti lemon bar and a movie about a sky-diving penguin would turn that frown ... upside down!
JACKSON
So you actually think that a stupid cartoon and some lame lemon bar will make me forgive you? Thanks to you for the next six weeks I'm gonna need help just to pick my nose!
MAX
Don't look at me dude.
JACKSON
Go away!
MAX
OK.
JACKSON
Not you! (pointing at Rico) You!
Rico starts away carting the trolley.
JACKSON
Ah ah ah ... leave the cart.
RICO
Alright alright I'm going. But ... before I do ... I want you to know I feel terrible. (takes a cheque from his pocket) I know this can't make up for it - but I hope it will help. (attempts putting in Jackson's hand but puts in cart) I'll just leave it right here.
JACKSON
(following Rico out) So you think you can just write a cheque and that everything's OK? (as he steps out onto the porch he bumps his toe) I cannot be bought mister! (turning back inside and bumps himself. Max is examining the cheque).
MAX
Not even for fifty thousand dollars!
JACKSON
Fifty thousand?
Jackson falls to the ground.
***
Miley Oliver and Lily are sitting at a table in the restaurant again.
MILEY
I was staring at that gorgeous face ... trying to see how I was going to meet him ... then the coffee lady yelled out - "One double decaf soy no foam and extra whip with half a dash of cinnamon" - it was his - we both reached for it - but he said "don't worry - I'll wait".
LILY
Oh!
MILEY
And then he offered to share his low fat apple crumble.
OLIVER
Oh! Apple crumble!
Lily shakes her head.
MILEY
I cannot wait for you to meet him. You're going to love him.
LILY
Oh Miley we're so happy for you aren't we Ollie-pop.
(pause)
OLIVER
Is the low fat apple crumble as good as the regular apple crumble?
Miley's phone rings.
MILEY
It's him! I am so excited!
LILY
Oh! Our little girl's found love!
Miley raises the phone to her ears.
MILEY
Hi!
Cuts to Adam and Traci sitting in a limo. Adam is on the phone.
ADAM
Hey yeah - I can't make it.
Back to the restaurant.
MILEY
Oh you. (to Lily and Oliver; walking away) I'll be right back. Hey honey - (as she is out of her friends ear-shot) No so fo-beau so what!
Back to the limo
ADAM
I'm sorry but - this other friend of mine is (???) - and she needs me tonight.
TRACI
Oh! Hang up already.
ADAM
(to Traci) Sorry cupcake.
TRACI
I told you it's buttercup! Read your script!
ADAM
Look don't worry. I sent my roommate he'll know what to do.
Traci takes the phone and hangs it up. Cuts back to the restaurant - Miley lowers the mobile from her ears.
MILEY
Your roommate?
Ralphie - Adam's roommate - approaches Miley.
RALPHIE
Excuse me Miley?
MILEY
Aha?
RALPHIE
(shaking her hand) Hey I'm Ralphie Barboochie - your argh ... "boyfriend" for the night.
MILEY
Oh cheese in biscuits.
RALPHIE
Relax tots. I got this covered. I got a few extra tricks up my sleeve. (takes out Miley's watch) Speaking of which - I think this is your watch! You gotta love me right!
Miley looks over at Lily and Oliver - they smile at her and she smiles back.
MILEY
Unfortunately I do. Come on! (drags him to the table)
***
Miley and Ralphie are sitting opposite Oliver and Lily at the table.
RALPHIE
So we must have been at that coffeehouse for what ... like four hours? Which reminds me - do either of you happen to have the correct time?
Lily and Oliver look down at their wrists.
RALPHIE [CONT'D]
Oh wait - of course you don't - cause I got your watches! Here you go ... (draws them back) I'm just kidding. Come on - you gotta love me right.
MILEY
(ruffling Ralphie's hair) I know I do. (rubs her hand on cloth)
LILY
Ewgh. Oh Ralphie. You are nothing like I imagined.
OLIVER
Not even close.
MILEY
He certainly is one of a kind. How did I get so lucky?
RALPHIE
Hey. I'm the lucky one. Hey - as a matter of fact - I just made up a love poem for you want to hear it?
MILEY
Maybe we could do that argh ...
RALPHIE
... Roses are red - violets are blue - I got a hot girlfriend and so do you my friend pound! (Oliver and Ralphie fist-shake each other).
OLIVER
Yeah ... (???) on the watch.
RALPHIE
Yeah very clever. But I got your wallet. Cheque please!
MILEY
I don't know what I did to deserve him. I honestly don't.
***
Max and Jackson walk over to Rico who is outside his shack.
JACKSON
Alright. Alright. Hey hey. I was up all night - trying to figure out what game you are trying to play - and I can't - so - what kind of game are you playing?
MAX
Yeah! What kind!
RICO
There's no game. You got hurt because of me - and I feel bad.
JACKSON
Stop it! Just stop it! You don't feel bad! You're Rico!
MAX
Yeah! You're Rico! (Jackson looks at him) What? I'm helping.
JACKSON
Not really. Look - and why would you give me more money than I could ever re-sue you for - unless you worked on some sort of angle.
MAX
Yeah some! ... sorry.
RICO
Because you're my friend.
JACKSON
No I'm not! Since the day I met you all you've done is torture me.
RICO
We've had some fun haven't we.
JACKSON
Fun? (!) You hate me!
RICO
You honestly think I'd spend that much time on someone I hated? Jackson face it - you're the closest thing to a best friend I've got. (pats him on the shoulder and jumps the counter)
JACKSON
How dumb do you think I am! I take this cheque to the bank - get arrested for forgery. Get sent to jail - and the last words before I go off the (???) are "Wahahaha!" Well what has two broken thumbs and ain't falling for it? This guy! You know who I'm pointing at. I'm going to tear this thing up. (tries to tear up cheque) Max tear this thing up.
MAX
It looks real.
RICO
Oh it's real.
JACKSON
It's not real!
MAX
It looks real!
JACKSON
Just rip it up!
MAX
Fine. (reluctantly he rips the cheque up into pieces).
JACKSON
There! You'll never get the best of me! Never! (skips off) Wahahahahaha!
MAX
(to Rico) It was real wasn't it.
RICO
Totally real. As good as cash.
MAX
Please! Let me bring him back! You can write him another!
RICO
N'argh ... I can only be nice for so long.
Rico takes the soda squeezer and squirts it in Max's face. Max falls to the ground.
***
Miley's house - the door rings and she answers it. Ralphie is outside.
MILEY
You're late! Lily and Oliver are going to be here any minute. What did you do to your hair?
RALPHIE
Hey I spiffed up ... for you!
MILEY
Yeah. That would explain the ketchup!
RALPHIE
(entering) Hey. So I scoffed my chilly dog on the way over. I can't be Mr. Wonderful without a little "fooch" in the "pouch".
MILEY
I can't believe I'm paying for this.
RALPHIE
(referring items in kitchen) Looks like you can afford it. Whoa! Nice place. (approaching kitchen table) Whoa! Is that one of those new wafer-thin computers that weigh less than a slice of lunch meat?
MILEY
I don't know! I don't weigh my lunch meat.
RALPHIE
Are you sure? Cause this two hundred dollar food weigher begs to differ.
Ralphie walks over and weighs what is left of his hot dog.
MILEY
Would you focus! Lily and Oliver are going to be here and I need to make sure you've got the story straight ... (Ralphie nods but is still distracted) I need to make sure you got the story straight! Your parents are moving away ... but we're going to keep up a long distance relationship because we're so in love.
RALPHIE
Yeah yeah I got it I got it.
Lily and Oliver walk in.
MILEY
(sadly) Hi guys.
LILY
Miley what's the matter?
MILEY
Ralphie's moving away.
OLIVER
What?
MILEY
His parents are going to England.
LILY
Oh whoa! What a shame.
RALPHIE
Tell me about it. I don't even know how to speak Eng-lan-tish.
MILEY
I am going to miss that sense of humor so much!
LILY
Argh ... you know. (taking Miley away) It's going to be OK. You wanna know why? Because (???) has a son he is so cute ... AND might get you a little discount on your "stach" bleaching.
MILEY
Thank you. But Ralphie and I are going to make it work. (she and Ralphie embrace) We're just going to have a long distance relationship.
OLIVER
Why? I mean ... good for you guys. That's going to be great ... between you guys.
MILEY
When you find something as special as this it's worth holding onto. And not dating other people.
RALPHIE
It is worth holding onto. I don't want to say goodbye to you! Or my two new wonderful friends. (embraces Lily and Oliver) You know what. (pushes Lily and Oliver aside) So ... I'm not moving!
Ralphie runs and hugs Miley.
MILEY
What!
RALPHIE
I'm not giving up what we have without a fight. Look at you! You're a wreck!
MILEY
No! No I'm not. See I'm really ... yup ... I pulled myself together. My mascara's not even running! See. I want you to remember me like this. Go! Go now. Go Ralphie.
RALPHIE
No. No way. I'll ... go live with my grandma.
MILEY
No you won't!
RALPHIE
Sure I will! Would Romeo leave Juliet? Would Troy leave Gabriella?
MILEY
Would you join me in the kitchen? (she ushers him into the kitchen) What are you doing!
RALPHIE
I'm not sure I'm ready to give up this relationship.
MILEY
Please don't say you're falling in love with me.
RALPHIE
(laughs) Yeah right. The only thing I'm falling in love with is this programmable coffee maker with built in bean grinder and cup convenience.
MILEY
You wouldn't!
RALPHIE
How bad do you want me to go away?
MILEY
Fine.
Miley unplugs the coffee maker and follows Ralphie over to Lily and Oliver who are now seated on the couch.
RALPHIE
Well. As much as I would like to stay - my grandma just texted me that the (???) doesn't accept anyone over seventy-five. So ... sadly ... I must be going.
MILEY
(with reluctance) But to remember me by ... please take our family coffee maker.
She hands the coffee maker over to him.
RALPHIE
Oh. No. No. Stop it. You're going to make me cry. OK.
MILEY
Go. Go quickly Ralphie. (ushers him out) And remember - wherever you are my love - and my coffee maker - we'll go with you.
RALPHIE
I can't.
MILEY
Oh yes you can.
RALPHIE
No no no. I can't. The hole in my heart is to big to be filled by such a ... small household appliance.
MILEY
How big is the hole Ralphie?
RALPHIE
I don't know. About the size of that plasma TV screen over there.
MILEY
I think I got something better for you to keep closer to your heart.
***
Ralphie walks out onto the Stewart porch with plant pots stuck on his head - soil is falling out all over him. He takes the main one off.
RALPHIE
Ralphie boy. You should've stopped with the coffee maker.
He begins to walk off.
***
Miley Lily and Oliver are seated on the couches in the living room.
LILY
You know ... we can't help feeling this is partly our fault.
MILEY
Partly?
LILY
Well ... it's just ... we were so happy we just wanted you to be happy to.
MILEY
I am happy.
LILY
Of course you are.
MILEY
I am!
LILY
Whatever you say.
OLIVER
(whispers to Lily) Let it go.
LILY
OK.
MILEY
Look. When it's time for me to have a boyfriend ... I will. But for right now ... all I need is my best friends.
LILY
Oh.
MILEY
And ... their promise to stop setting me up. Unless (???).
LILY
Are you kidding? If I knew Robert Paterts and I would totally ... set you up with him.
OLIVER
Mm-hm? Nice save.
LILY
Oh come on Ollie-pop you know you're my guy.
OLIVER
I better be.
LILY
You are.
OLIVER
OK.
Much to Miley's annoyance the two start making romantic mocks at each other.
MILEY
Guys! Did I forget to mention ... (motions a vomit) Blah!
***
Lily is shouting to Miley. She is sided by Oliver.
LILY
Hey Miley! We'll go catch a movie. I think that new Will Smith one starts in like ... (glances at her wrist) Why do I keep looking?
Miley joins them downstairs with her phone.
MILEY
(sigh) Getting a text from Ralphie. "Look in Oliver's back pocket".
Oliver reaches into his pocket and gets out the watches.
LILY
Hey our watches!
OLIVER
Whoa. That guy is good.
MILEY
Hold on. "Now check in Lily's back pocket" ...
Lily reaches into her pocket and chucks out an object she is disgusted at.
LILY
Ewgh!
MILEY
Are those Ralphie's?
OLIVER
No ... they're mine.
***
Hannah Montana © to the Walt Disney Company. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.
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