Jake turns back into the elevator. Hannah runs after him.
HANNAH
Not so fast, lover-boy!
The elevator closes, as Hannah pulls Jake inside.
TRACI
(to Lola) B.T.W, hate the outfit.
LOLA
(impersonating Traci's voice) B.T.W, I can change the outfit. You're stuck with the voice ... FOREVER!
As Lola walks off, she moves her mouth in time with Traci's speech
TRACI
It's a nasal condition!
Cuts to the elevator, where Jake is talking with Hannah.
JAKE
Now Miley, before you get upset, I just want to say ...
HANNAH
Me? Upset? No! I'm just so happy to see you ... (pushes him down with her hand) making the worst decisions of your life!
An old woman with a walking frame enters the elevator as it beeps open.
HANNAH
Hello.
OLDER WOMAN
(by now, Jake is kneeling beside Miley) Oh. Oh my. What's this? A proposal?
JAKE
(standing) A propasal? To her? Are you kidding me!
HANNAH
Yeah, I mean, we're just teenagers. You know, barely more than childen -- practically babies. Getting married would be about the dummest thing we could do, right Jake!
Hannah reaches for Jake's shoulder again, and he cowers behind the Older Woman.
JAKE
Well, I don't know if I'd call it dumb.
HANNAH
Oh really, what would you call it? Stupid, idiotic, irresponsible? Yeah, I'd go with all those.
The elevator beeps open.
OLDER WOMAN
Oh good. The lobby!
JAKE
No, no -- it's the nineteenth floor!
OLDER WOMAN
(exits) Close enough. I'll take my chances with the stairs.
JAKE
(as the door closes) Look, I know it's sudden, but I love Traci! I want to be with her forever!
HANNAH
Jake, you barely know her! You barely know yourself. We're talking about a lifetime committment! You change your phone plans every six weeks!
JAKE
That's 'cause a knew one comes along that I like better.
HANNAH
Then why be stuck with the same phone plan for the rest of your life! If you and Traci really love each other - (the elevator beeps open) you'll still feel that way in a couple of years.
A mother and a child enter the elevator. The child is holding the programme of Hannah's recent concert.
GIRL
Han, Han, Han, Han!
MOTHER
She just saw your concert. Would you please sign her programme?
HANNAH
Sure. (kneels) What's your name, babe?
GIRL
(stammering) T ... T ... T ... T ...
MOTHER
It's Tiffany.
HANNAH
OK. (as she writes) Dear Tiffany. Never make the mistake of marrying to young. Surveys show that teen marriages are more likely to end in the tragedy of divorce! (getting louder)Never let one impulsive decision haunt you until the day you die! (resumes rashional speech pattern) Love always, Hannah.(hands programme back) Here you go, sweetie.
GIRL
(as she and the mother exit) All I wanted was rock on.
JAKE
Hey! How about that. Neither one of us want advice from you. I'm outta here.
Jake starts to the door.
HANNAH
No you're not!
JAKE
(shouts) Hey! Everybody! It's Hannah Montana!
As the kids come racing into the elevator, Jake rushes off in the opposite direction.
HANNAH
Hey everybody! There's Jake Ryan! (the fans don't move, she is annoyed) Argh, why do I have to be more famous!
***
The Stewart house - Jackson is having a pizza dinner with his new girlfriend Alyson.
JACKSON
So Alyson what made you decide to give me a second chance? Was it my sense of humor? My charm? My constant begging?
ALYSON
Wait a minute. We went out before?
JACKSON
No.
Alyson gives Jackson a sweet look and Jackson repays it. As they lean in to kiss each other Rico is heard from near the piano.
RICO
Heyo!
JACKSON
Argh!
In alarm Jackson falls to the ground. Rico walks over.
RICO
Jackson. What are you doing on the floor? There's a lovely young lady here. I'm guessing you're either lost or on some sort of pity date.
ALYSON
(as Jackson stands) Who is he?
JACKSON
Oh I'm sorry I'm being rude argh... Alyson I'd like you to meet Rico. Rico ... I'd like you to meet the door.
Jackson pushes Rico towards the door.
RICO
Whoa whoa whoa! Remember when I said I was opening Camp Rico? And you said that if the brats ever got bored I could bring them here? (by now Alyson is at Jackson's side)
JACKSON
I never said that.
RICO
Well it's your word against mine. Come on in kids!
A group of kids come running into Rico with screaming voices of excitement.
RICO [CONT'D]
Meet Uncle Jackson. Master of Magic and (takes out balloon) balloon animals! (excited laughter)
JACKSON
No no no! There is no way.
RICO
Save your breath. Kid #3 wants an octopus!
Two nearby boys grab at both of Jackson's arms (one per side).
BOY 1
Me first!
BOY 2
No me first!
JACKSON
(releases himself) No no me first! Sorry kids but these lips got other plans.
KIDS
Ewgh!
JACKSON
Yeah.
RICO
(sad) Fine. I guess we'll go back to the beach.
Outside it begins to rain down heavily.
GIRL 1
But it's raining!
The kids sigh sadly. Rico puts his arm around the girl beside him.
RICO
Be brave little one. Be brave.
ALYSON
Come on Jackson I don't mind I love kids. Just let them stay.
KIDS / RICO
(yelling) Let 'em stay! Let 'em stay! Let 'em stay! Let 'em stay!
JACKSON
(fake smile and happiness in tone) OK! Fine! You can stay. (the kids applaud as he speaks to Alyson) I love kids to!
As Alyson takes the kids over into the lounge room Jackson stays at the back and pulls Rico into the kitchen.
JACKSON [CONT'D]
Dude you totally planned this!
RICO
Geese. I can't control the weather.
Timely a loud clap of thunder sounds outside followed by the reflection of lightning from the sky. A cheeky grin forms on Rico's face.
RICO
Or can I? Wahahaha! (another clap of thunder and lightning)
***
Back in Las Vegas in Hannah's hotel room she is on the phone to Jake Ryan pretending to be Traci. Lola takes off her wig.
HANNAH
Hi Jakey, it's me Traci. (taps Lily on the shoulder)
LILY
Miley, what are you doing?
HANNAH
Sshh!
Jake is walking out of the elevator as he speaks on the phone.
JAKE
Hi Trace, what's up?
Cuts back to Hannah in the hotel room.
HANNAH
Um I've been thinking about it and we are to young, so I won't be marrying you tomorrow. Oh ... and if you see me anywhere in the hotel ... don't talk to me ... I hate you.
Cuts back to Jake who is now standing in a corridor opposite the elevator.
JAKE
OK if that's the way you feel (pause) ... bye Miley.
Back to the hotel room.
HANNAH
(resumes normal voice) Bye Jake! (the two hang up on each other) Dang it! How did he know it was me?
LILY
Well he's either A, telepathic, B, a witch, or C, caller ID!
HANNAH
I'll go with witch it makes me look less stupid.
LILY
No, not really.
Robby enters the room, with sweat visible all in his shirt.
ROBBY
OK, I left messages for both Jake and Traci's phones. Now don't worry, once they call me back I'm going to straighten out this whole mess. It's all going to be fine.
HANNAH
Then why are you sweating more than Uncle Earl on back-waxing Wednesday, yaow!
LILY
Oh come on Miley it's not that ... (turning away) Oh, it just hit me.
ROBBY
I'm sorry honey I just can't help it. I mean, what if it was you making a mistake like this? Sacrificing your independence, tiring yourself down before you've even had a chance to explore the rest of the world ... throwing away the rest of your life before you've even started living it! Why would you do this to me? Why would you? Darling why!
HANNAH
Don't worry Daddy. I'm not getting married until I'm at least twenty-five.
Robby sighs, but then looks up at his daughter again.
HANNAH [CONT'D]
Thirty. Forty ... eighty! Dad, I want to walk down the aisle, not be wheeled down it.
ROBBY
I'm sorry honey. I just want you to make good choices.
Robby embraces Hannah in a hug.
HANNAH
(releasing herself) Oh, OK, and right now I choose to breathe through my mouth until you get your stinky pits out of my smell zone!
ROBBY
Is that your loving way of telling me I need to go take a shower?
HANNAH
Yes please. And feel free to use the whole little bar of hotel soap.
Lily, pinching her nose with her fingers, gives him a thumbs up.
ROBBY
(as he exits) Oikey dokey.
Lily releases her nose and slowly begins breathing again.
LILY
Whoa. I haven't held my breath that long since birth.
There are frantic knocks at the door. Hannah goes to answer and Traci is standing in her wedding dress with a dark frown on her face. Lily jumps the couch to conceal her identity.
LILY
Eeep!
HANNAH
Traci?
TRACI
(entering room) Hannah, I just talked to Jake, and thanks to you, I will not be wearing this fabulous wedding dress tomorrow.
HANNAH
(happy) Oh really! (now sad) I mean ... really?
TRACI
Yes. Because we're getting married tonight!
HANNAH
What!
Lily pops her head up from behind the couch - her purple wig is on but the brown hair is ruffled all over her face.
LILY (LOLA)
What!
TRACI
That's right! In a matter of minutes I am going to be Mrs. Jake Ryan! Chow.
As Traci begins to exit, Hannah takes hold of her wedding gown robes and begins to stretch it.
HANNAH
I'm sorry Traci, I can't let you do this!
Hannah pulls the robe as far as she reach, tripping Lola over to help her along the way. Traci pulls as hard as she can to get away.
HANNAH [CONT'D]
(to Lola) Help me! Grab it!
Out in the corridor, Jake steps out of the elevator and runs to help Traci when he sees that her wedding dress is being stretched.
JAKE
Traci!
TRACI
Jakey! Helpie! Grab me!
Jake pulls at Traci's arms. On the other end, Hannah and Lola are still pulling on Traci's wedding dress. Eventually they let go of the dress as the couch goes sledging against the floor. Hannah and Lola fall to the ground.
HANNAH
I broke a nail. Now it's personal!
Hannah runs out - and as Lola follows she goes for her purple wig. Out in the corridor, Jake and Traci quickly enter the elevator - we can see a rip in the back of Traci's dress where her underwear is visible. As Hannah and Lola come running down the corridor it's to late to stop them.
HANNAH / LOLA
Arghhhhh!
JAKE
(as the elevator door shuts) We're still expecting a gift.
TRACI
Something returnable please!
The elevator door shuts.
LOLA
Well ... I guess that's it.
HANNAH
No. I am not going to let him do this. Dad ... he's the only one that can stop it.
Hannah and Lola both run for the hotel room in opposite directions - and call out to each other.
LOLA (V/O)
Woops!
HANNAH (V/O)
I know!
The two run back to the elevator. They run to the room and find the door is locked.
HANNAH / LOLA
(together and to each other) Where's your keys? In there! Smooth move!
HANNAH
(frantically knocking on door) Dad!! Dad!!
In the hotel room we can hear Robby singing away under the shower.
ROBBY (V/O)
(singing in shower) # Hotel shampoo smells real good, do dah, do dah! Just hand of sandalwood all the do dah day!
Back outside in the corridor, Hannah is still knocking on the door but with no luck of getting her father's attention.
HANNAH
Dad! Dad! Dad! (giving up; turns to Lola) Great. He's going to lather, rinse and repeat. Dang that hair-loving hillbilly.
The two of them turn away from the door.
***
Hannah and Lola run to the elevator. Lola frantically hits the button.
LOLA
Come on come on!
HANNAH
No time. Stairs!
Hannah and Lola run in opposite directions for the stairs.
HANNAH (V/O)
Lola!
Lola then runs across after Hannah.
***
The Las Vegas Wedding Chapel - a Cupid Preacher is marrying an elderly couple (the same woman from the elevator scene with Hannah and Jake).
CUPID PREACHER
And now, with the power invested in me by the State of Nevada.
Hannah comes racing in yelling.
HANNAH
Stop the wedding! They're to ... (sees elderly couple) young. My bad. Opsies.
OLDER WOMAN
Don't make eye contact. That's the wacko from the elevator.
The elderly couple begin to exit.
HANNAH
Oh so sorry to barge in ... but you know it really is a great story to tell the kids ... no pressure or anything. (???) like a good story too.
OLDER WOMAN
(turning back) Wacko.
Lola runs in.
LOLA
(to elders) Hey! Congratulations. Eighty is the new seventy-five!
As the couple leave Hannah and Lola are approached by the Cupid Preacher.
CUPID PREACHER
Wait a minute. You're Hannah Montana! Argh! Do my nieces love you!
HANNAH
Yeah great thanks. Um ... do you know anything about a "Jake Ryan" wedding?
CUPID PREACHER
Well I know I'm uniting a couple in five minutes for $ 49.95. They were to cheap to spend the extra five dollars on the (???) arrow of love!
He shoots a bow and arrow up in the air and a dove comes flying down to the ground; dead.
CUPID PREACHER [CONT'D]
Marie! We're going to need another dove. The other Vegas cupids ... (pushing dead dove aside) they don't got these!
LOLA
There's more of them?
HANNAH
Well I know where I'll be coming for my wedding! So, where is the happy couple?
CUPID PREACHER
They're right through that door. Which is why yoose is going through that door. (indicates at entrance door)
HANNAH
Oh sir you don't understand --
CUPID PREACHER
(interrupting) No, no, no. Specific instructions from the bride. Who by the way has a voice that goes through you like my Aunt Rose's (???) casserole. Now, if you'll excuse me, Cupid needs to use the little Angel's room.
HANNAH
You said your nieces are fans, right?
CUPID PREACHER
Fans! Oh forget about it.
HANNAH
(turning to Lola) Lily. Go bang on the door until you get my Dad. I'll stall the wedding.
Lola runs away. Hannah turns to the Cupid Preacher.
HANNAH
OK, go! (luring Cupid away) So, cupe. Baby. How would your nieces like to see your concert from the front row?
CUPID PREACHER
Oh!
HANNAH
Oh!
***
At the Stewart House, Alyson is sitting in a row with a group of kids on the couch platting their hair. Alyson is platting Rico's.
RICO
Go ahead. Pull it if you want. We Latin's have roots of steel!
ALYSON
What a cutie you are!
RICO
I know. And I'm rich too! It's almost not fair.
ALYSON
I'm so glad we let them stay, Jackson! Isn't this fun!
Jackson is over at the table, reluctantly blowing up balloon creatures for a group of boys. He is distressed, annoyed and unhappy.
JACKSON
I'm sorry did you say something? I can't hear anything over the blood pounding in my ears! (hands balloon to nearby boy) Here you go, kid.
BOY
But I wanted a giraffe!
JACKSON
Hey. Tonight's not going the way I planned either. Enjoy your worm!
BOY
I don't want a worm!
JACKSON
Well, then … it's a sword!
BOY
Cool. (turning to others behind him) Let's get him!
The kids with 'swords' all scream in 'yay' as they hit into Jackson. Jackson looks over stiffly at Rico who gives a shrug with a stirring smirk. Jackson folds his arms.
***
Alyson is sitting on the couch beside Rico, watching a mermaid movie – they are also surrounded by a group of kids.
RICO
I'm scared.
ALYSON
But it's just a movie about a mermaid and her friends.
RICO
I know, but the … singing crab scares me.
ALYSON
(embraces Rico) Oh. Oh, it’s OK.
Jackson comes walking over with a dozen of young boys clinging onto his body as he moves.
BOY
Don't let us touch the floor, it’s made of lava!
JACKSON
(distressed voice) I know.
RICO
Down the front!
JACKSON
No problem.
Jackson falls to the ground, as do the kids clinging onto him. As he steps up, the boys laugh at him.
BOY 1
What a wimp!
BOY 2
Want me to call a "wim"-bulance? (child laughter)
JACKSON
Hey, hey guys! Guess what! I think the rain stopped! You kids can totally go back to the beach now! Yippee, come on, let's go!
He runs outside, and comes back in soaked with rain water. He even spits some from his mouth.
JACKSON
It's barely a trickle! Come on!
Yet again, the kids laugh at him as he walks back in.
***
In Vegas, at the Wedding Chapel. Hannah, disguised now as what Jake and Traci believe to be the Cupid Preacher, abseils down on a heart. She lands on the ground facing the back of them.
HANNAH
Where's the lovely couple?
JAKE
Yow, Cupid. Over here.
HANNAH
Oh, there they are. And here I am! (fails to get off heart seat) Little help here! (the rope breaks, as she falls) Oh, oh. Thank you.
TRACI
(as Hannah approaches) Can we move on with it, please?
HANNAH
Oh, someone's a Naggy Nellie. (to Jake) Fifty years of that voice, I'm just saying.
JAKE
Please, we just want to get married. We don't want to miss the Late Show with Carrot Talk!
TRACI
(excited) Oh, you bought me tickets to Carrot Talk!
JAKE
Surprise!
Jake and Traci snuffle noses.
HANNAH
Oh, you two are so cute. And so very young. So very (long pause between commas), very, very, very, very …
***
Cuts to Lola, knocking violently on the hotel room door.
LOLA
Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr Stewart!
***
Cuts back to the Marriage Chapel.
HANNAH
Very, very, very 'a' very …
JAKE
Young! We get it. Can we get married now?
HANNAH
Oh. Of course. Of course. Of course. Of course. Of course. Of course. Of course. Oooooof course. Of course. Of course.
***
Jump back to the hotel corridor, where Lola is still hitting on the door trying to attract Robby's attention.
LOLA
Mr Stewart!
But Mr Stewart is singing in the shower over her.
ROBBY (V/O)
# I love this shower man and that's a fact, a huh huh. Now it's time to scrub my hairy back.
LOLA
Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart!
***
Cuts back to the Marriage Chapel, where Hannah is still stalling the wedding.
HANNAH
Of course. Of course. Of course!
TRACI
Oh, this is agonizing!
HANNAH
Oh, speaking of agonizing (to Jake), her voice, I'm just saying!
JAKE
I happen to love her voice.
HANNAH
Really?
JAKE
Argh …
TRACI
That's it! We don't need you. This city is crawling with cupids.
Traci and Jake begin to exit. Hannah reaches for the bow and arrow.
HANNAH
You're not going anywhere! (shoots heart) Say hello to my little friend!
The heart hits into Traci softly, and falls to the ground harmlessly.
JAKE
Um. Owgh?
TRACI
Oh, give it up, Stupid Cupid!
As Traci and Jake turn to leave, Hannah leaps for them.
HANNAH
Fifty years of that voice. (jumps at them and hurls them to the ground) I'm just saying! I can't let you guys do this.
JAKE
Hannah?
HANNAH
You gotta listen to me, this is the biggest mistake of your life.
Pause.
JAKE / TRACI
OK.
HANNAH
OK?
Jake and Traci begin to laugh hysterically.
JAKE
Gotcha!
HANNAH
Oh no!
A camera crew and a man with a microphone enter.
GOTCHA HOST
That's right, Hannah Montana! You are this week's victim on … (pulls off Cupid wig) Gotcha!
Robby and Lola enter, oblivious to the fact that it was all a practical joke. Robby is in a bath robe.
ROBBY
Hold up there! Stop the wedding!
HANNAH
Little late there, Daddy.
LOLA
Hey! Who's getting Gotcha'd? (Hannah raises her hand) Ohhh…gotta go. (exit)
ROBBY
Argh, Lola, hold up! (pats host on back) Love your show. (exit)
***
At the hotel. Hannah and Jake step out of the elevator – Hannah is still in her Cupid costume minus the wig.
HANNAH
I cannot believe you did this to me.
JAKE
Look…I'm sorry, we figured you'd just yell in running, "hey, stop the wedding!". But we didn't think you'd wear this … bad suit … and prop wings.
HANNAH
You know, maybe this is a joke to you, but I was really worried.
JAKE
You were, weren't you.
HANNAH
(hits him with pillow) Of course I was, you big dumbie. You're one of my best friends, I really care about you.
JAKE
I am? Like one of those best friends you can't stay made at…even when they really mess up?
HANNAH
(hits him with pillow) Yes.
JAKE
OK, well then stop hitting me.
HANNAH
OK. (hits him again) Now I'm good.
JAKE
I really am sorry. Just didn't realize … you know, you were still so into me.
HANNAH
You did not just go there!
JAKE
Oh, come on. You're telling me that that was all about me and Traci being to young? Nothing about you and me?
HANNAH
Look, Jake. I know we had a thing once, but it is over. I'm done. Moved on. I feel nothing.
JAKE
Good, because I feel less than nothing.
HANNAH
Oh, good. Cause if you dig under the less than nothing that you feel, you get what I feel, but you wouldn't feel anything because I feel nothing.
JAKE
Oh yeah?
HANNAH
Yeah. And I'll prove it to you.
She plants a kiss on Jake.
HANNAH [CONT'D]
There. Like kissing a catfish…a dead, cold catfish with slimy lips.
Hannah enters her hotel room, and Jake follows, but she shuts the door, not to hardly, in his face. He leans against the door and grins.
JAKE
Whoa.
On the other side of the door, Hannah is also leaning, grinning with happiness.
HANNAH
Whoa.
***
The Stewart house. The whole living room, from the previous night, is messed up with balloons and popcorn from the previous night. The doorbell rings, and as Jackson, in his dressing gown, makes his way to answer the door, he kicks some things around in anger.
JACKSON
(yawns as he comes downstairs) Stupid Rico! Whiny brats! Kid #3 needs to go #2, Jackson! Just show him to the bathroom, I'll take care of your lady. Muhahahaha … (Jackson opens door to reveal Alyson) hi Alyson.
ALYSON
(enters) Hey. You know, things got so crazy last night, I didn't get a chance to say how great you were with the kids.
JACKSON
Oh yeah. Oh, well, I just love the little critters; they're just so … cute.
ALYSON
(they take a seat) Well, I just wanted to thank you. I mean, it wasn't exactly a date, but… I had a lot of fun.
JACKSON
Really?
ALYSON
Yeah.
JACKSON
Well, you know, we were sort of in the middle of something before we were so rudely interrupted.
ALYSON
Oh, we were? You’re going to have to jog my memory.
Jackson and Alyson lean in to kiss each other – but Jackson leans away with a sneeze.
JACKSON
Sorry…I just, argh…
ALYSON
Are you getting sick?
JACKSON
No, I always sneeze when I’m happy. (coughs) And I cough too.
ALYSON
You’re getting sick. You know what? Maybe we should do this another time.
JACKSON
No, no wait - I think I’m feeling better.
As they lean in on each other again Jackson sneezes. Alyson gets up and exits.
ALYSON
Ewgh!
JACKSON
But it’s a cute “newgh” right? Right!
He runs after Alyson outside – and as he steps outside it starts to pour down rain. He comes back inside covered in rain water.
JACKSON
(shouts; annoyed) Rico!
***
Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. This blog claims no ownership of the reproduced transcribed posted here.
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