LOLA
This is so cool! First we get flown to a film festival, and now they shut down the whole mountain celebs and their peeps. Eeep, I love being a peep!
HANNAH
OK, new rule. No rhymes! Hey, here comes Ryan Scheckler.
LOLA
How do you know?
HANNAH
The helmet and googles cannot hide his powdy lips. Look at him!
LOLA
Nope, nope, sorry, now that I am with Oliver my heart only skips for one cutie's lips.
HANNAH
OK, now you rhymed and made me sick, all at the same time.
LOLA
Hey, you're just jealous 'cause I got the coolest guy on the mountain!
Mike comes hopping over.
MIKE
Hey, ski bunny! (he trips over and screams in a high-pitched tone) Argh! Argh! Snow in my pants!
HANNAH
Yep. He's a keeper.
MIKE
(as Lola helps him up) Let's go.
HANNAH
Are you OK, my fresh, frozen Ollie-Pop?
MIKE
I wouldn't say no to a little warm-up hug.
HANNAH
OK, I'm 'gonna go before I hurl barf cubes! (places googles over her eyes) Hey, Ryan, wait up! If you love Colorado you are 'gonna love Montana!
Hannah begins to pull herself down the mountain - and ends up falling violently down, tossing and turning. We hear her grunts to signify her pain, and Lola and Mike stare on as she continues:
HANNAH (V/O) [CONT'D]
(shouting from downhill) ...I'm OK!
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY-RAY CYRUS
"HANNAH MONTANA"
***
In the community hospital - Miley is in bed in a room, Robby and Lily at her side. Oliver is at the opposite side, Jackson is relaxed in a chair watching the television.
ROBBY
I can't believe after that fall all she broke was her ankle. (Jackson screams something incomprehensible) I should've just left you at home with a bowl of kibble and a dish of water.
LILY
What did the Doctor say?
ROBBY
He said the surgery went great. And the seizure should wear off in a couple of hours.
OLIVER
I mean, this is the longest I can remember her not talking. It's so nice! (Lily clears her throat) I mean, she looks so peaceful when she's sleeping.
LILY
I apologize for my boyfriend, Mr Stewart, he is a working progress.
Jackson shouts at the television again.
ROBBY
(referring Jackson) Yeah, I know what you mean, he's a working...no, he's just a piece of work!
The nurse enters, carrying a clipboard.
NURSE
Oh no, we can't have this many people in the room, one at a time please.
LILY
Oh, OK, sorry doctor.
NURSE
Oh, I'm not a doctor, I'm a nurse.
Oliver and Jackson laugh at this remark.
JACKSON
Nurse!
NURSE
That amusing you?
OLIVER
No, sir.
ROBBY
Ya' darn tootin'. Nursing is a very noble profession for anyone.
JACKSON
I...I...I couldn't agree more. In fact, I was thinking of pursuing a career in the ... nursial arts. Who wants to go the cafeteria?
He and Oliver jump up.
OLIVER
Me too, I 'wanna leave. (as they are near the door) Bigger than my garage!
JACKSON
Dude, tell me about it! And where do you find a size twenty-two nursing shoe?
LILY
OK, if you guys don't get out of here, I think you know where you're going to find that shoe! (realization dawns on Jackson and Oliver's face) Yeah!
The three of them race out. The nurse is standing by Robby.
NURSE
Looks like she's doing just fine.
ROBBY
Thank you. And, sorry about my son.
NURSE
You know, you could've just left him home with kibble and water.
ROBBY
Tell me about it. (to Miley, as the nurse exits) You listen here baby girl, this smiling face is gonna be the first thing you see when you wake up.
A little while later, Robby is snoring asleep on the chair beside the bed.
MILEY (V/O)
Oh man! What I wouldn't give for a (???) right now. Wait a minute, how can I hear if I'm still asleep? Oh, I saw this in a Kate Hudson movie! Her doctor said that it was totally rare, but while the seizure was wearing off, she could hear stuff. (Miley's figure appears in front of the bed, although he real body remains asleep on the bed) And then this happened! She imagined herself outside her body! So cool! (Robby snores loudly) And that is so loud! Yo, daddy, I'm trying to sleep over there. (she goes to his ear and shouts) Wake up! (nothing happens) Dang it! In the movie, Kate Hudson gets a marriage proposal from Ashton Kutcher. And I get a headache from a weasly hillbilly honker!
Jackson enters with an apple.
JACKSON
Hey dad! Dad! (knocks him, but he does not wake) Cafeteria's got pie.
ROBBY
(wakes suddenly) Pie? I heard pie! Hey Jackson, I'm just 'gonna run down the cafeteria for a bit. Pie! I mean, bye. (exits)
MILEY
I never thought I would say this, but, thank you Jackson! The only thing worse than the sound of dad's snoring is...(Jackson is watching the television again, shouting) ...the sound of you watching football!
JACKSON
Touchdown! Whoa!!!
MILEY
Could you be any more insensitive?
Jackson goes over to Miley's body in the bed and high-fives her hand, before wiping his snot over it.
MILEY
Apparently yes.
JACKSON
Stupid commercials.
Jackson, with the remote goes to turn off the television, but nothing happens. It is instead the remote which controls the up/down motion of the hospital bed, where Miley is being hauled up and down.
JACKSON
What is wrong with this remote?
MILEY
It's in the hands of a boo-zoo!
Cuts to Lily entering - Jackson is sat on the seat, while Miley's bed is practically upside down.
LILY
Hey Jackson, - what happened!
JACKSON
The Titans just lost a fumble.
LILY
I'm talking about Miley! (snatches remote from him)
JACKSON
Ha? How'd that happen?
LILY
Boo-zoo!
MILEY
(spirit form still) That's what I said.
LILY
Hey, argh, why don't you make yourself useful and go down the cafeteria and throw yourself between your dad and his blueberry pie.
JACKSON
Hey, squirt. That might work on your boyfriend but not on the high school graduate.
LILY
Oh, well, why don't I tell your dad how a high school graduate turned his helpless daughter into an (???).
JACKSON
Fine. But FYI, he doesn't even like blueberries.
MILEY
He's probably already scarfed down the apple, pumpkin and banana cream.
LILY
Yeah, well he already scarfed down the apple, pumpkin and banana cream.
MILEY
Do I know my daddy or what? Yeah!
JACKSON
Great. The last time I got between my dad and his pie, I almost lost a finger! I'm not sure if he apologized afterwards, but I'll never forgot that crazed look on his face. (imitates a face) My pie! My pie!
LILY
(to Miley's body, as Jackson exits) Oh, your skin looks so dry! Nothing a little lotion can't fix.
MILEY
Finally. Someone to treat me with a little tenderness. Go ahead, Lily. I'll put myself in your loving, capable hands.
Cuts to later on, where Lily is pressing in Miley's lip, impersonating her voice.
LILY
(impersonating Miley's voice) Oh, Lily! You're the best friend a girl could ever have. In fact, I just wrote a song for you. (sings to tune of "Nobody's Perfect") Lily is perfect! She's cute and she works it! She's perfectly perfect and perfectly cute!
MILEY
Next time you spend the night at my house, pickle relish is so going in your bra!
Oliver knocks on the door and enters.
OLIVER
Hey, Lilypop. How's she doing?
LILY
Oh, she's good. She's still sleeping, but look what I can make her do. (pressing on Miley's lip's again) Oh, Oliver, you're so lucky to have a girlfriend as cute as Lily!
OLIVER
Come on Lily, that's not funny.
LILY
Thank you, Oliver.
OLIVER
This is funny! (flares Miley's nostrils) Pig nose! (laughter)
LILY
You bad boy.
MILEY
Where's a good snot rocket when I need one?
LILY
Argh, you know what, I think I'm 'gonna wash this stuff off my hands.
OLIVER
OK.
LILY
I'll miss you!
OLIVER
I'll miss you more! (he hugs her)
MILEY
Oh, hey, I've got an idea. Go with her!
LILY
You know, it's really nice to hug in front of Miley without having to hear blah.
MILEY
Blah!
Lily continues to make the noise as she exits, Miley mocking her. Oliver nears Miley's body.
MILEY
Alright Oiken, I might be out cold but if you put your fingers anywhere near my nose, I will wake up just to bite you!
OLIVER
OK. Here we go. (???)
MILEY
Oh, man! Can't you just wait until you get in the hallway?
OLIVER
(as he exits) Whoa. I mean it's harder than I thought.
MILEY
You're really upset about something.
OLIVER
I don't think I can do this.
MILEY
Sure you can. We're buds, you can tell me anything.
OLIVER
Come on, Oliver! I mean, just say it. (walking towards Miley's bed again) Say it! (takes Miley's hand and sits beside her) I love you.
MILEY
Now you see, that wasn't so...best friend's boyfriend say what?
OLIVER
I really do.
MILEY
Nooo! You can't! You're dating Lily! It'll break her heart.
OLIVER
Yeah, like I'm ever really gonna have the guts to say that.
LILY
(entering) Did you miss me!
OLIVER
Argh, you know I did! You're my little Lilypop.
MILEY
And you're a little lying poop!
Miley swings her arm at him, but as she is only in spirit form, it goes right through him. She stumbles onto the ground.
***
Back at Miley's house, she is pacing around in the kitchen with her foot cast on, venting to her dad as she crunches on a cracker.
MILEY
Oliver is unbelievable! I am so angry I could spit, if this cracker didn't give me such bad cotton mouth.
ROBBY
Honey, would you stop pacing and put your leg up? The doctor said you were supposed to keep it elevated.
MILEY
There, problem solved. Oh, wait, it's not! How can Oliver say that he loves me when he's dating Lily?
ROBBY
Well, can you blame him? I mean, minus the sass, you are adorable.
MILEY
Oh, come on, I am not...OK, maybe a little. But...Lily's my best friend.
ROBBY
Now, wait a second. You weren't even awake yet. Maybe you dreamed this whole thing.
MILEY
Oh, so now I'm not adorable? Fine! But I am still sassy! And I do not think I was asleep when you over there snoring like a grizzly with that head cold, and cleaning the cafeteria clean out of pies!
ROBBY
Oh, my gosh, you did hear everything, didn't you? Hey. This is just like that Kate Hudson movie!
MILEY
Thank you! (Robby laughs) What's so funny?
ROBBY
(through constant laughter) It's just, in the movie, she got, argh, Ashton Kutcher and you got argh...Oliver.
MILEY
Oh, right...that is funny.
Through laughter, she slowly moves her leg cast off the stool and lets it smash down on Robby's foot.
ROBBY
Ough!
MILEY
Oopsies! (starts legging over to the couch) I don't know what I am going to do.
ROBBY
Why do you have to do anything?
MILEY
Because...I can't let Lily date Oliver knowing that he's in love with me. This stinks.
ROBBY
You know, back when I was a boy...
MILEY
(cutting Robby off) Oh, no, haven't I suffered enough?
ROBBY
Oh, now, hold on baby, this one's got a point. When I was sixteen years old, I was crazy about Gabriella Godfrey. Whoaw, she was all that and the some. Until I met Heather Witt...whoaw, she was some!
MILEY
Alright, if the mission was too completely creep me out... mission accomplished!
ROBBY
Oh, honey, what I'm saying is that you know...at one time Oliver thought he loved Lily, and now he don't. And who knows, she might change her mind too. By the middle of next week she may be all goo-goo eye over Hootie Lamottie with the swimmer's body. What? Like I can't hear you in there flapping your jaws on the phone all night long! .
MILEY
You're right. I 'gotta wait, till Lily moves on to someone else. I don't have to tell her anything!
ROBBY
That's all you can do.
MILEY
But wait...what about, what about Oliver still being in love me, I still have to deal with that don't I?
ROBBY
Oh, he might change his mind on that by next week.
MILEY
Oh, great, so now my 'adorable' has an expiration date?
ROBBY
Why did I have to open that door?
As he goes upstairs, Lily enters from the front door.
LILY
Hey, Miley! I picked up your favorite ice cream, cause I figured it might make you feel better while you're stuck in the house all day. I don't know why it has to be double, double chocolate chip, it's already so rich, but as long as you like it that's all that matters.
MILEY
Oh, great. My favorite, soggy cardboard and...Lily hair. What did you do, put your whole head in there?
LILY
I'm sorry, it's just...I'm totally nervous, I'm getting together with Oliver tonight and there's something I need to tell him.
MILEY
You do?
LILY
Yeah, but I don't know what he's going to do when I say it.
MILEY
Oh, go ahead. So you moved on, I'm sure Oliver will be fine.
LILY
Moved on, where did you get that? I'm 'gonna tell him I love him.
Miley spits out the ice cream in her mouth.
MILEY
...Just had to finally spit it.
***
MILEY
Tell Oliver you love him? You can't do that!
LILY
Why?
MILEY
Because- the girl should never say it first. It's against the rules, you can't give a boy that kind of power. You do that and you'll send the women's moving back fifty years! And I am two years away from voting, and you will not take that away from me!
LILY
But I do love him.
MILEY
Yeah, and I love peanut butter. But you don't see me making a fool of myself in front of a jar of extra chunky!
LILY
Well, I don't care. I love him and I'm 'gonna tell him.
MILEY
What if he doesn't love you back? What if he's in love with someone else because they're...I 'dunno...adorable or something? (yawns) Oh, I am tired, 'gotta go take a nap, see 'ya!
LILY
Do you know something I don't?
MILEY
(clears her throat) How would I know anything? I was in the hospital, out cold. It's not like I can hear things like in that totally unrealistic Kate Hudson movie. Oh. Yawn, I am tired. 'Gotta go to bed, see 'ya! (covers her face with blanket)
LILY
Miley, I know how he feels. I can tell by the way he looks at me! Even when I have a pimple. I never told you this, but...that's why he calls me Lilypop.
MILEY
I could've gone my whole life not knowing that.
LILY
I'm 'gonna go get ready. Oh, oh, can I borrow your no-smudge lipstick? I think it might come in handy, if you know what I mean!
MILEY
You might want to borrow my water-proof mascara instead.
LILY
Right! Because I'll be so happy I'll cry.
MILEY
Well you're half right.
LILY
What do you mean?
MILEY
Well, I can pretty much guarantee crying, it's just...the happy I'm not so sure about. Lily, I didn't want to tell you this before, but...he doesn't love you.
LILY
Of course he does!
MILEY
No, he doesn't. Remember when I was in the hospital and everybody thought I couldn't hear? Well, I could...and I heard him say that he...doesn't love you.
LILY
He doesn't love me?
MILEY
I'm sorry, Lily.
LILY
No, Miley you had to be dreaming.
MILEY
If I was dreaming would I have heard this? (clenches Lily's jaws) Lily is perfect! She's cool and she works it!
LILY
Oh, no!
MILEY
It's OK, go ahead and cry.
Miley hugs Lily, as she starts crying like a baby.
***
A while later, Lily is sat on the couch crying her eyes out with stacks and stacks of tissues discarded on the floor. Miley comes over with a new box .
MILEY
Here you go, I got you another box. Here, use this cold pack, it...OH, OK! May as well not waste it.
***
Miley has just finished constructing a large building out of paddle pop sticks, Lily is still crying.
MILEY
There. Gosh, Lily, if I knew you were going to cry this much I would've built a boat!
LILY
I'm sorry, I think I'm done.
MILEY
Good. Because you know what - Oliver is not worth it! (Lily breaks into tears again, saying OLIVER!) Oh, sweet niblets!
Robby comes down from upstairs.
ROBBY
Oh, no, poor Lily. You told her Oliver was in love you?
Miley hits her head. Lily flinches up.
LILY
In love with you?
MILEY
No. I cleverly avoided that, until now!
ROBBY
Argh...I think I'm getting a fax, I better go check! Hope I got enough paper in there, see you! (runs off upstairs)
LILY
How could you?
MILEY
Lily, I swear, I had nothing to do with it! I'm adorable! It's a gift and a curse. And the important thing is, I don't feel the same way .
LILY
Really?
MILEY
Of course not! In fact, right now I hate him as much as you do.
LILY
Oh, that miserable, slimy, Miley-loving weasel! Stringing me along when he never even loved me! Oh, I wish I could get him back!
MILEY
You can! You know what we're going to do, we're going to get you all fixed up, then we're going to take you down to the beach, and get a picture of you sitting with a cute guy, send it to Oliver, so he knows, you're over it, you never even loved him.
LILY
But I did!
MILEY
Lily! Please, if you're going to waste this much water, just go cry over my plants.
Following Miley's orders, she goes and leans over the plants.
***
Miley is dragging Lily along the beach outside Rico's.
MILEY
Stop crying, you're going to ruin your makeup.
LILY
OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll stop. How do I look? (pushes her hair away from her face and we see her makeup is a mess all over her face).
Jackson turns and sees it and steps back with a gasp of shock.
MILEY
Zip it, Jackson! You look great.
JACKSON
Yeah, if you like circus clowns! Honk.
MILEY
No, honey, you have inner beauty. Now, let's find you a hunk...with a big heart, and bad eyes...OK, sit here, and let's see what we're working with. Oh, hello!...goodbye. Oh, hubba-hubba.
LILY
Did you find somebody?
MILEY
Not really your type...bingo! Cute...but I can live without him. Now, you stay here, and try to push some of your inner beauty onto the outside, OK?
LILY
OK, how's this?
JACKSON
I got two words for you. Paper bag.
MILEY
Yeah, look who's talking. I remember your last girlfriend, the dog went great until the dog catcher showed up! Woof! Woof! (she and Jackson start mocking each other. She approaches the cute guy) Hey, how's it going?
GIL
Good. What happened to your leg?
MILEY
I'm not really in the mood for sweet talk. You a good kisser?
GIL
I guess so. But shouldn't we get to know each other first? I'm Gil.
MILEY
I'm actually talking about my friend over there.
GIL
The circus clown?
MILEY
She is not a...yes, the circus clown.
GIL
I don't think so.
Miley looks over and sees Oliver come over and greet his mates.
MILEY
I'll give you twenty bucks!
GIL
Can't I just shake her hand?
MILEY
Twenty-five.
GIL
...deal.
MILEY
Gil, Lil. Lil, Gil. Let's do this thing.
LILY
I don't think I can do this Miley.
MILEY
Guy who doesn't love you at two o-clock!
LILY
OK, OK!
GIL
I can close my eyes, right?
MILEY
Just do it!
As the two close in on each other, Oliver walks down on it.
OLIVER
What the?
MILEY
Yep, that's right! She's kissing someone else, she's moved on, you cannot hurt her anymore!
OLIVER
Hurt her? Miley, what are you talking about, I love her!
MILEY
You do?
LILY
You do!
OLIVER
Yeah, I mean, I did, until you were inches away from kissing another guy.
MILEY
Then why did you say you love me?
OLIVER
I never said that!
GIL
I still get paid either way, right?
OLIVER/LILY
You paid him?
MILEY
Not important! What is important, is that while I was asleep in the hospital, you said that you loved me!
OLIVER
No, I didn't!
MILEY
Yes you did!
LILY
She heard you.
OLIVER
She heard...oh! I wasn't saying it to Miley, I was practicing to say it to you.
LILY
To me?
MILEY
To her?
OLIVER
Yeah, it's not easy saying I love you to a girl if you've never said it before.
LILY
I love you to, Ollipop.
OLIVER
This isn't exactly how I wanted to tell you, but.
LILY
This isn't exactly how I wanted to look when you did!
OLIVER
You look beautiful.
GIL
I am not going to get paid, am I?
JACKSON
Please. Everyone knows you can't clean the cash unless you kiss the clown.
MILEY
Hey, how about that! Happy ending. About all that really matters. Well, I better get going, gotta put this leg up.
OLIVER
Miley!
OLIVER
You almost broke us up.
MILEY
True...but all because of this totally innocent misunderstanding, you guys finally said I love you to each other! So I think the words you are looking for is thank you, to which I reply, you're welcome.
LILY
Miley, if we weren't so incredibly happy, you would be in so much trouble right now.
MILEY
But you are. And I have never been so happy to have been wrong.
OLIVER
I can't believe you thought I was in love with you.
LILY
Even I thought you were in love with her!
MILEY
OK, guys, it's not that funny, I mean, look at me- I'm adorable. It's true! Even daddy said so!
***
JACKSON
This is so cool! Just like that Kate Hudson movie.
ROBBY
My boy.
JACKSON
Oh, look at me, I'm Robby Ray Stewart, I jogged all the way to the mailbox so now I can have pie. Dang flab it, Jackson ate my pie!
ROBBY
Dang flab it, Jackson ate my pie!
JACKSON
And it was good!
ROBBY
That tears it, that boy is going to pay!
JACKSON
Pay? What do you mean "pay"? Hey, what are you doing with the whipped cream and the jelly? Come on, man, I'm sleeping! Hey, wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Avenge yourself...oh,oh I can't watch this.
ROBBY
'Yee doggies.
JACKSON
Oh, oh yeah. Very nice. Real mature! So proud to call you my dad!
ROBBY
N'argck. It's a masterpiece.
JACKSON
It's very funny. Too bad you're the only one who's going to see it. Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no!
ROBBY
Think I got next year's Christmas card.
JACKSON
Please, please, please let this be a dream!
Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. No infringement intended.
