3x18 - He Could Be The One

Jackson and Rico are dressed formally playing the cello outside a cafe. They are singing.

JACKSON / RICO

Tonight you're going to see a special story. A pop star and her fight for love and glory.

RICO

We wish it was a little bit more gory!

JACKSON

But they said we had to tell a family story.

JACKSON / RICO

In the tale we tell not everything is fare.

RICO

And someone gets some news they cannot bare.

JACKSON

(to Rico) You blow the end I'll kick your dairy air!

RICO

(indicating cafe entrance) OK. OK. Our story starts in there! (Jackson joins in) In there. In there. In there.

In the cafe Hannah with her band alongside is performing He Could Be The One. Mike and Lola are watching.

HANNAH

Hey guys! (music ceases) Y'all sound great it's just that...I mean the lyrics...I wrote them a month ago and they're starting to sound as tired as one of my Dad's "back when I was in a band" stories.

Robby - her father and manager - is over at the food table trying to humor the chef.

ROBBY

You know back when I was in a band - we didn't have cheese near this tasty. We had nacho cheese. That's the cheese that we'd steal from ZZ Top's dressing room. A guy came up to me and said, hey, that's not yo-cheese.

CHEF

(fake laughter - rolls his eyes and moves away)

LOLA

Hey Hannah the lyrics aren't that bad.

MIKE

Yeah but they're not that good either. (impersonates Hannah's singing)

As Mike turns he bumps into Hannah who is leaning over him.

MIKE

(sings to tune) I was just kidding. You look really pretty. (to Lola) Oh don't think I didn't notice you bailing on the one you love.

LOLA

Look Lily is the one who loves you OK. Lola is dating Justin

Timberlake according to some internet rumor I have no idea who

started.

HANNAH

(to band) Hey guys - y'all can take off. I've still got some work to do on the lyrics.

MIKE

A little work? (as Hannah walks off stage) That's like saying

Taylor Swift is a little bit cute. (Lola eyes him) Oh what - you

can fake date and I can't?

LOLA

Yeah.

MIKE

...OK.

Jesse - a musician in Hannah's band - meets up with Hannah.

JESSE

Hey - 'wanna grab some lunch?

HANNAH

Hey Jesse...you know that's really sweet but argh...you know I

kind of make it a thing not to date guys in my band...so if at

some point you want to have lunch...that's cool but you know...

not "have lunch".

JESSE

OK yeah...cool. (exit)

Lola and Mike approach Hannah.

LOLA

What are you doing? OK - if I were you I'd be grabbing lunch and staying for dessert.

MIKE

That'd be Lola talking right?

LOLA

Sure.

HANNAH

Listen...you know...I know Jesse's really cute but...he's got a rep as a real player and my dad told me to steer clear of 'em.

LOLA

So...you're not going to date 'that guy' - (Robby walks by) just

because...

ROBBY

(to following band member) That's nacho cheese...get it!

MUSICIAN

(fake laughter; rolls eyes and walks away)

LOLA

...that guy told you not to?

HANNAH

Absolutely.

Hannah's phone rings - she looks at the CALLER ID and hangs up - cheekily grinning and holding it behind her back.

LOLA

Why aren't you answering?

HANNAH

It's nobody.

LOLA

(gasp) You're not seriously telling me that...

MIKE

Telling you what?

HANNAH

I knew you'd be this way!

MIKE

What way?

LOLA

Well how could you be so stupid!

MIKE

Why is she stupid?

HANNAH

Lily -- you don't understand.

MIKE

I don't understand anything.

Lola takes Hannah's phone. Jake Ryan is on the other end.

LOLA

Hi Jake!

JAKE

Hey Miley!

Hannah tries to snatch for the phone but Lola prevents her.

JAKE [CONT'D]

I'm done filming for today do you want to meet at the usual place?

LOLA

(laughter) It's Lily!

Lola and Hannah start clawing at each other.

JAKE

(Italian accent) I mean argh...your order of meat is ready at the usual place. Miley away.

Bye bye! (hangs up)

Lola hangs up and hands the phone to Hannah.

HANNAH

I forgot to tell you. I'm dating Jake Ryan!

MIKE

(places himself in between the two) What?

LOLA / HANNAH

Oh keep up!

Hannah and Lola hit him on either side of his shoulder.

MIKE

Oh!

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

LOLA

How could you not tell us?

HANNAH

Look, I wanted to tell you, but after everything that Jake and I have gone through I just knew that you would say...

HANNAH / LOLA

You are making the biggest mistake of your life!

LOLA

Yes, yes...but then I would have continued and said, you know, it's your life, and if that's what makes you happy, then who am I to judge? I mean, the heart, wants what it wants. Even if it's some...you know, goofy, klutzy guy who's not half as cool as he thinks he is.

MIKE

(laughs) Ain't that the truth...wait a minute, we're still talking about Jake aren't we...

LOLA

Sure.

HANNAH

Look, guys, it's not like I totally caved into Jake, I mean I made him work for it, I made him beg.

A flashback – Miley's house. Miley comes downstairs and Jake Ryan runs to the door.

JAKE

Miley! I wouldn't blame you, if you never wanted to see me again...but...

Miley runs for him.

MILEY

Jake!

Back to the café.

HANNAH

Yep. Miley Stewart kept her dignity!

LOLA

Good for you.

MIKE

I'm just amazed that your Dad's cool with it, after everything he put you through, I mean, the whole, I kissed you, I'm leaving...I love you, I'm leaving. I'm spending the rest of my life with Traci, psych.

LOLA

Oh please. Like she told her dad, I mean it's probably been nothing but secret meetings, and late-night phone calls, oh and, I bet they even have code names for each other like "Falcon" and "Snowbird".

HANNAH

(looks guilty) You are so wrong! It's Anakin and Queen Allodomma.

LOLA

So, I mean what are you going to do? I mean, you can't keep this secret from your Dad forever.

HANNAH

I'm not 'gonna, I just gotta' continue to work on Jake's image...look at this. (she and Lola go over to the stairs to the stage and get a newspaper) I got my publicity guy to get Jake Ryan and a pet adoption, in the newspaper. Dad loves dogs and I'm going to put this in the room where Dad does his, you know...heavy reading.

Robby enters.

ROBBY

Not your cheese! Come on man, that's funny stuff! (walking over to Hannah) I swear your band has no sense of humour. You ready to go?

Hannah shows him the newspaper image of Jake and the adopted dog.

HANNAH

(hands him newspaper) Look.

ROBBY

Oh, look at that little puppy. Isn't he cute?

HANNAH

So cute.

ROBBY

Now, let's get you away from that miserable punk that broke my daughters heart! (he rips the newspaper so that Jake can't be seen) There. All better.

***

Rico and Jackson come skipping in the Stewart household in tunics singing and dancing to Scottish music.

JACKSON / RICO

(singing) Well their plan didn't work with the pictures of Jake, and she's wondering now what on Earth it will take, (Rico ceases singing) to make her dad like her beau, should she bake him a cake?

RICO

But wait, he likes pie.

JACKSON

Yes, you're right, my mistake.

They jig about a bit before skipping out the kitchen door, to a seemingly oblivious Miley and Lily – who are in the kitchen. Miley walks over to the table, putting down a pot of catfish stew.

LILY

Talk about your sweet niblets! This looks incredible.

MILEY

Well, if all this...(pulls lid off pot) and argh...Mamaw's award-winning boysenberry pie isn't going to soften Dad up for the big Jake news...I don't know what will.

LILY

Hey, you know what would really soften it up. If you dug out your old kitty sweater that he got you for your fourteenth birthday...(Miley holds up her apron to reveal she is wearing it) ...oh my.

Miley presses in on the kitty's nose and it meows.

LILY [CONT'D]

Now that's commitment.

MILEY

(takes off apron) Tell me about it. But argh...if you see me turning blue, grab one of these butter knives and cut me out of...(???).

LILY

You got it.

Lily takes a taste of the stew.

LILY [CONT'D]

Mmm, this is really good, what is it?

MILEY

Oh, it's dad's favourite, it's argh...catfish stew.

LILY

What's this? (forks into something)

MILEY

No, no, no, no!

LILY

This is great! It really bursts with flavour.

MILEY

That's the eyeball!

Lily spits it out.

MILEY

Hey! That's the best part! Now I'm going to have to give dad the other one.

LILY

(walking out) Excuse me, I'm just 'gonna go argh...walk through the carwash with my mouth open!

As she exits, she bumps into Jake Ryan.

JAKE

Lily! Hey...how you been?

LILY

N'argh, don't you 'how you been' me, Anakin. OK. I got my eye on you. And so does that stew! (walks out)

Miley walks over.

MILEY

Jake, what are you doing here, my Dad's going to be home any minute.

JAKE

I don't care, I...(sees Miley's sweater) Whoa. That sweater is...adorable.

MILEY

I'm only wearing it because my Dad gave it to me, but, thanks for the great compliment. Good boyfriend stuff, keep it up.

They hug each other, and Miley's shirt 'meows'.

JAKE

Well meow to you too!

MILEY

That was my sweater! Seriously, you 'gotta get out of here before my Dad sees you.

JAKE

No, no, no. Look, I don't care if he sees me. I'm tired of sneaking around behind his back, we need to tell him.

MILEY

And we will. I've just 'gotta give him, you know, a little spoonful of catfish and...my eyeball!

JAKE

What?

MILEY

Never mind. Just, you 'gotta trust me on this Jake. I'm 'gonna feed him, and then, I'm going to close the deal by argh...showing him this movie about a Dad who hates the guy that he's daughter's dating, but learns to love him anywayz.

JAKE

I was up for that part! But apparently Shia LaBuff has bigger box office appeal.

MILEY

Dad's home!

JAKE

My box office is just as big as his!

MILEY

Oh, sure it is honey, we'll talk about that later.

They start for the exit outside the deck near the piano.

JAKE

Wait, wait, wait. I'm coming back after the movie whether it works or not. We're telling your Dad.

MILEY

OK, OK, OK, just leave!

JAKE

(turns to leave, but comes back in. Now speaking dramatically) Because when Jake Ryan loves a girl, he...

MILEY

...Never gives up! I get it! Get out. (Jake exits) Actors!

Robby enters through the front door and sniffs.

ROBBY

Yee doggies! Is that catfish stew I smell?

Miley walks over to him.

MILEY

Surprise Daddy!

ROBBY

Now, hold on here. My favorite stew, boysenberry pie...and you got on that kitty sweater I bought you a couple of years ago? Miley Ray Stewart, you want something.

MILEY

(innocently) I just want my Daddy to know how much I love him.

She twists her cat on the sweater and it 'meows' - she smiles.

ROBBY

This is 'gonna cost me big time, but I'm OK with it, as long as I get an eyeball.

MILEY

Dang Lily!

***

Cuts to Miley and Robby, sitting on the couch at night, watching the movie.

MILEY

Wasn't that a touching story? The way that that dad learned to accept the boy that his daughter loved. Now that is a roll model for supportive parenting. I'm just saying.

Jake is standing at the piano.

ROBBY

I 'gotta admit, heartwarming story...sends a nice message.

MILEY

Certainly was.

Miley puts her hand up behind on the couch, and waves Jake to approach. He slowly comes over.

ROBBY

...It was all a bunch of hooie!

MILEY

Hoo what?

She signals for Jake to stop.

ROBBY

There ain't no father in his right mind that would forgive that slime ball for what he did for hurting his daughter. I know I wouldn't.

MILEY

Oh, Dad. You don't mean that! How about a fourth piece of pie?

ROBBY

Oh, sounds good.

Jake starts approaching them again.

ROBBY [CONT'D]

...But now I'm to agitated thinking about what I would do to that boy for breaking my daughter's heart! (clenches fist) It'd get mighty ugly, I'll tell you what.

Jake stops in his tracks, and goes into a vision of what might happen...he sees Robby at the dining table, opening an appetizer with Jake's head through it.

ROBBY

Slime-ball stew! It's my favorite.

JAKE ]

No, Mr Stewart please! Miley will never forgive you!

ROBBY

Oh, sure she will. As long as she gets an eyeball! (he laughs evilly, as he begins eating...)

***

Fades back into the present - Miley and Robby on the couch, Jake wearily stood behind. A wind blows gushily, and Jake is gone.

ROBBY

Where'd that breeze come from?

MILEY

From that dry, baron wasteland of your cold, cold heart!

ROBBY

Huh?

MILEY

Never mind. (rises) And you are doing the dishes tonight, you movie-hating, eyeball-hogging hillbilly! Whoa!

As Miley goes to the stairs, she hears Jake's voice from the piano, behind a surfboard.

JAKE (V/O)

No, I'm not running away! I'm through hiding!

MILEY

(whispering) Jake!

As Robby stands, Miley joins Jake behind the surfboard.

MILEY [CONT'D]

What are you doing?

JAKE

Standing up for us! And...protecting my face. Filming tomorrow.

Jake, still protected by the surfboard, approaches Miley's father. Miley follows.

JAKE [CONT'D]

Listen, Mr Stewart, I'm in love with your daughter, and you're just going to have to deal with it...sir?

ROBBY

OK. I just got one question. Who are you?

Jake removes the surfboard, and Robby shakes his head.

MILEY

We've been dating for the last three weeks.

JAKE

Three weeks, two days, and eight and a half hours.

MILEY

Oh, babe, you got the hours...

JAKE

I invented that myself! I didn't even get my assistant to do it.

MILEY

Now is he a keeper or what! I think I could just wrap him in a recycling bag and take him home!

Robby is still unconvinced.

MILEY [CONT'D]

(approaching her dad) OK, Dad, look. Go ahead, and yell at me. Tell me how much you don't like him, tell me how much I'm making the biggest mistake of my life, but no matter what you say, it's not going to make a difference.

ROBBY

I just can't believe you kept this from me. I thought we had a better relationship than that. Evidently I was wrong.

Robby walks upstairs.

MILEY

So was I...that did make a difference.

***

Morning - Robby is sat on the couch - Jackson and Rico, in continuing with their narration of the episode, are singing to rock music.

JACKSON

Well Robby's mad...and Miley's sad. She's on her knees, she's begging please...give her the chance of romance! She wants things to be better, she even wore that sweater. Meow!

Rico clears his throat. Jackson runs back.

JACKSON

What will she say? To Robby Ray? If you 'wanna know, don't go away! Oohh yeah!

The two of them make their way upstairs. Miley joins her father on the couch, with popcorn.

MILEY

Oooh, boxing. Nothing brings a father and daughter together more than two men beating the snot out of each other. (hands Robby popcorn) Oh, that's gonna leave a mark. But, I don't care...I mean, this is just so nice.

She leans down on her father, but he jumps up out of his seat and she falls.

MILEY [CONT'D]

(calling after Robby) Hey, daddy! Nacho cheese! I get it now! It's funny.

There is still no response from her father, and she grunts before lying back down on the couch.

***

Robby is at the piano, Miley comes downstairs carrying two sets of clothing.

MILEY

Hey Daddy, I'm trying to decide on what to wear to next years, "Tween-Scene Awards". I mean, I'm not nominated yet, but with the incredible songs that you write, I know I'm a (???) win. So, what do you think?

ROBBY

It doesn't matter what I think. You're gonna pick what you want anyway and then not tell me until he walks into my house hiding behind a surfboard.

MILEY

Fine. I guess I just won't wear anything. My skin sweater and all natural body suit!

ROBBY

Whatever.

Miley howls her teeth at him, before strutting away up the stairs.

***

Robby is sitting out on the front porch, reading a magazine, when Miley comes out with a guitar.

MILEY

Hey, big guy. Remember that one time that I, argh, tried to go to Florida all alone even though you said I couldn't. Whoa, were you mad at me! But then you wrote that beautiful song, "Ready, Set, Don't Go," and we had a richer, deeper relationship. Not to mention a number one song! Argh, mention your biscuits and gravy. So argh, how about we write a song about what we're going through right now. I'll start. (singing and playing the guitar) I want the best for my girl, she can date any guy, do do dah. I want the best for my girl! Mix it all together and...just the guys now!

But Robby still ignores her, putting his iPod on. Miley grunts in frustration.

***

At the Roof Cafe. Hannah, Lola and Mike are congregated around a table. Hannah has just finished performing to them her latest version of "He Could be the One".

HANNAH

What do you think?

LOLA

Truth or lying?

HANNAH

Lying, please.

MIKE

Whoa!

LOLA

Best song ever!

HANNAH

I know, it's terrible.

MIKE

Stinkin'.

LOLA

Worst song ever written.

HANNAH

Come on, you guys, I just can't concentrate. I mean, as long as I keep dating Jake Dad's 'gonna be mad, and, if I stop dating Jake I'm 'gonna be mad.

LOLA

Whoa. That's...tough.

HANNAH

That's tough? That's all you got? I mean, if it was your problem, I would come up with some crazy plan that would ultimately fix everything. Someone forgot to bring a present to the friendship party!

Hannah walks to the opposite side of the stage, as Mike confronts Lola.

MIKE

I'll tell you what, I hope she's talking about you, 'cause I bought nothing.

Lola frowns at Mike, before walking over to Hannah.

LOLA

This is not fare! I give you great ideas all the time, OK. Remember last week, when we didn't know what to do, and I suggested, "let's go to a movie". And we did. And then afterwards, you were hungry, and I suggested pizza. And you loved it! OK, that's two great ideas in one night. Need I go on? I think not!

Mike is over at the snack table, as Robby comes over to him.

MIKE

Hey Mr Stewart, how's it going?

ROBBY

Well it doesn't really matter how I think it's going, does it? Why don't you ask my daughter how it's going, that's all that seems to matter in my house!

MIKE

OK, then. I'm just 'gonna, sit here, eat my shrimp and avoid eye contact.

Jesse, from Hannah's band, walks in followed by Rachel, his girlfriend.

RACHEL

But, Jesse, I love you! It can't be over.

JESSE

Rachel, I have been telling you for weeks, I am just not feeling it anymore. (pause) I'm sorry.

RACHEL

OK. Fine. (sadly, she walks out)

Robby approaches Jesse.

ROBBY

Hey, Jesse, you and I need to have a little talk...

JESSE

Hold on, boss. Two, one...

Rachel walks in again.

RACHEL

Don't you even think about calling me at my new number. Five, five, five, zero, one, two, nine. Just get five, five, five, zero, two, one, two, nine out of your head, 'cause I won't answer!

Rachel exits.

ROBBY

Hey, listen, man, you and I, we need to...

Jesse holds his hand up in Robby's face again.

JESSE

Not quite. (Rachel walks in again)

RACHEL

And I mean it! Never call, five, five, five, zero, one, two, nine. Even though we're on the same plan, it'll cost you. (exit)

JESSE

OK, that's usually it.

ROBBY

Sounds like you go through this quite a bit.

JESSE

Yeah. Chicks, huh?

ROBBY

Well it better stop. Hey, listen, man, I don't like the fact that you keep showing up late, and I really don't like the way you treat chicks. And I hate the fact that you keep interrupting me. Now, you're a good guitar player, but you're not that darn good. You better pull yourself together or get out.

JESSE

(backing off) OK, OK. It won't happen again.

Jesse walks over to the snack table. Lola and Hannah are seated on the stage stairs watching.

LOLA

Whoa. Your dad does not like Jesse.

HANNAH

Not kidding. I mean, he pushes his buttons. He's late...he's mean to girls...hey, the only button he hasn't pushed is...

Robby is over at the snack table, examining an empty plate.

ROBBY

Who ate the last apple fritter?

Jesse, who is now over on the stage with his guitar, pushes the remains away guiltily.

LOLA

Whoa. Man, imagine if you had gone out with Jesse when he asked you.

HANNAH

I know, I know. I mean compared to Jesse, Jake is like...one, big, yummy catfish eyeball!

LOLA

Hey, hey. Wait, I got it! OK, after rehearsal, you get Jesse to ask you out, making sure your dad can hear, which of course, freaks him out and you say, "Oh, oh, would you rather I date Jake?" and he says, "Yes, yes, anybody but, late to rehearsals, mean to girls, eats the last apple fritter guy!" Boo ya! Another great idea from the mind that bought you movies and pizza!

Lola and Hannah high-five.

***

Hannah has just finished performing "Let's Do This". Lola and Mike applaud. Robby walks onstage.

ROBBY

Whoa! Great rehearsal everybody. 'Course, that's just my opinion. It probably doesn't mean much.

HANNAH

(walks off) Alright. That's it. Time for operation 'Dad's da-loob'.

MIKE

What?

LOLA

Dad's da-loob. Operation Date a bad boy so Jake looks better.

HANNAH

D'argh!

MIKE

Whoa. You two are freaky.

Hannah walks back onstage, over to Jesse.

HANNAH

Hey, hey Jesse. Can I talk to you for a minute in private?

JESSE

Sure, we can...

HANNAH

No, no, no, no. It's way to drafty, bad for the pipes. (takes Jesse nearer to where her Dad is seated) M...M...M...Much better, right here!

JESSE

Argh, yeah. Under the air vent. Much better. So, what's up?

HANNAH

Yeah, remember the other day when you, argh, you know...

Robby is on the phone.

ROBBY

Yeah, Gary, listen. Robby Ray here, let me take this outside for a second...(walks off)

HANNAH

Oh, you're right, it's like a meat locker in here! Let's go!

Hannah pulls Jesse away. Robby is outside the cafe on the phone.

ROBBY

Yeah, listen, Gary, I think we're going to have to flip the boat of the show at the Seattle date. Aha?

Hannah and Jesse enter.

HANNAH

Yeah, so um, you remember the other day when you argh...(emphasizes, shouting) Asked me out!

JESSE

(shouts) I'm right here!

ROBBY

Yeah, I'm just going to take this outside, these folks have evidently never been out of the house before...(exit)

Hannah takes Jesse over to the window where Robby can be seen on the phone.

JESSE

So, you 'wanna go out?

HANNAH

(shouting) What!

JESSE

(shouting slightly) Do you want to go out?

HANNAH

What!

JESSE

Do you 'wanna go out? And that's as loud as I'm doing it.

Robby looks up from his phone conversation.

HANNAH

Oh, I think that did the trick.

JESSE

Hannah, I'm not sure what's going on, but...

Robby walks in.

ROBBY

Well I am. See, Hannah likes a boy that I don't like. And she knows that I don't like you. So she's asked you out hoping that I won't like you more than the boy that I like that she doesn't. Simple.

HANNAH

Dad, that's not true. I really like Jesse, because he is an apple-fritter stealing bad boy. (eyes Jesse) Bad to the bone.

Hannah hugs into Jesse.

ROBBY

Oh, OK. Oikey-dokey. In that case, here's the keys to my car, have her home in time for morning.

HANNAH

What?

ROBBY

Do you see the words "FOOL" written on this forehead? I weren't a fool yesterday and I ain't one today.

JESSE

Neither am I. And I don't like being liked just to prove that I am less likeable than some other guy that he doesn't like. And yeah, I did eat the apple fritter, and it was good.

Jesse opens the curtain, to reveal Lola and Mike have been listening in on their conversation.

LOLA

Hi!

JESSE

Hope you like the show. (exit)

MIKE

(tuts) We weren't ears dropping!

LOLA

We were just...filling ourselves in, ahead of time, to save you the trouble.

MIKE

It's really a consideration thing.

LOLA

...Yeah...

MIKE

We...

LOLA

Yeah, we'll see you at home. (the two exit)

HANNAH

Dad. I'm gonna' date Jake. I just don't want to do it behind your back.

ROBBY

Well, I don't want you to do that either.

HANNAH

So what are we going to do about it?

She and Robby take a seat on the sofa in the middle.

ROBBY

I guess we'll do it like we do everything else. Take one step at a time. You know, I'm still not sure I like that boy, but you went through all that trouble, I should at least give you a chance.

HANNAH

(hugs Robby) I love you, Dad.

ROBBY

Unless you were to change your mind...

HANNAH

Daddy!

ROBBY

You're right, you're right. Bad parenting. I should be ashamed. Unless you were to change your mind then...

HANNAH

Afraid not, big guy. (pause) No offense, but what in the same heck am I doing sitting here hugging you? I got a boyfriend to call!

Hannah jumps up and walks out. Rico and Jackson pop up in the window, continuing their singing.

RICO / JACKSON

They're no longer in a fight, man. Every thing's going to be alright, man. All day and all the night, man.

They sway back down, and moments later Rico jumps out.

RICO

Or is it, man?

***

Cuts to Hannah, in the cafe, on the phone to Jake.

HANNAH

Jake, I couldn't wait to tell you...(sees Jesse packing away his gear on the stage) I'll call you back.

Hannah hangs up, and goes over to Jesse.

HANNAH

Jesse. Hey, man, listen. I'm really sorry about the whole dating thing.

JESSE

Forget it!

HANNAH

Come on, Jesse, you can't be mad, it's not like we were together or anything. Jesse! Oh, come on! Come on! Jesse?

JESSE

I'm happy for you. Looks like you got what you wanted. (walks offstage, Hannah follows)

HANNAH

Icky...still sensing a little bit of edge here. Oh, I get it. (teasingly) Someone's used to being in control! Am I right? Am I right? Who's right? I am!

JESSE

I really like you, OK?

HANNAH

What?

JESSE

Don't worry about it. I am a big boy, and I will get over it. Besides, it's pretty obvious that your (???) some guy.

HANNAH

I am.

JESSE

Well. He's very lucky...and I hope he knows it.

HANNAH

Thanks. I mean...I 'kinda think think that he could be the one.

JESSE

That's a good line for a song. I mean, I'd lose the kinda' part, it makes it sound a little bit one foot in, one foot out.

HANNAH

Yeah...he could be the one.

Jesse starts to play at the piano, as Hannah starts singing a new version of He Could be the One.

***

Hannah is now sat beside Jesse at the piano, singing. She comes to a halt.

JESSE

I can't help myself for how my heart is racing.

HANNAH

Perfect!

Hannah continues her performance.

***

Stewart house. Miley and Jake are out on the porch - Miley is playing the guitar and singing He Could be the One to Jake. But as the song progresses, Miley pictures Jesse's head on Jake's. As the song finishes, she sees Jake again.

JAKE

Oh, look at you. You're all chocked up, come here. (he hugs Miley) I love the song. And I love that you wrote it just for me.

MILEY

(nervously, as Jake hugs her again) Yep...that's what I did.

***

The motion is paused. Jackson and Rico are standing back to back on the porch, Jake and Miley still hugging.

JACKSON

First Miley had a guy, who she had to hide.

RICO

But her daddy said OK and she was satisfied.

JACKSON

But then Jesse came and knocked her cool, and Miley acted like a fool.

RICO

A fool for love.

JACKSON

She needs help from above!

The two of them run into the Stewart house, wearing disco clothes. The house is dark, and a disco ball is hanging from the roof.

JACKSON

Now Jesse's here, and so is Jake.

JACKSON / RICO

But which one does she pick so she doesn't make a huge mistake?

JACKSON

Jake, as cute as he can be.

RICO

But Jesse brings some mystery.

JACKSON / RICO

Which will she choose? Which guy will win? Which guy will loose? Say hey!

The two of them 'disco-dance' out the door. Back on the porch, Miley and Jake are still hugging. Jake releases himself.

JAKE

I can't believe it, everything is finally working out for us!

MILEY

Sure is.

Jake leans in to kiss Miley, but she puts her arm in his way and makes a dramatic grunt.

MILEY [CONT'D]

I, argh...got a tickle.

JAKE

Really?

MILEY

Yeah, you know, I wouldn't want to kiss you and then sneeze on you and get you all Jesse..messy!

By now the two of them are standing.

MILEY

Get you all messy. Yeah, I...get you sick too. Whoa, would not want that.

JAKE

I think it's worth the risk.

Jake closes his eyes and leans in on her again, but she dodges him.

MILEY

Not me! Not me! Because, argh...I care about you to much, mister. So I'm going to be strong for the both of us and say, see you later guitar player...alligator! See you later guitar player's what I used to say to my Dad when I was little. 'Cause, my dad's a guitar player. (feels her head) Whoa, that's definitely fever.

JAKE

OK, well you get some rest and feel better and know that I am thinking about you every minute until I see you again, and when I fall asleep, I'll dream about you. Are you going to dream about me?

MILEY

Oh, I sure hope so. But, you know, dreams...they're uncontrollable little suckers.

JAKE

Yeah.

MILEY

Can't control what pops into your head. So it could be you, could be a sandwich, I mean, your Jess...I mean guess. Your guess is just as good as mine.

Jake leans in to kiss her again, but she pushes him away.

MILEY

Air kiss, bye!

Miley runs inside, as Jake finds his way out. As she walks in, she raises her phone to her ear.

MILEY

Lily, it's me. You have got to get over here right now!

Cuts to outside Rico's Shack - Oliver is in a wetsuit, sat on a chair, Lily pulling at his hair.

LILY

Yeah, Miley, I'm a little busy right now.

OLIVER

Pulling, pulling, pulling!

LILY

I'm sorry! Oliver's got this big knot in his hair and I'm trying to get it out with a...

OLIVER

Hurting, hurting, hurting!

LILY

Sorry, honey!

Cuts back to Miley.

MILEY

Lily, I mean it! Right now, it's code red!

There is a large gust of wind, and Lily instantly appears beside Miley at the sofa.

MILEY

(still on phone, unaware of Lily's presence) Code red!

LILY

(puffing) Why didn't you say so?

Miley hangs up the phone, and sees a big bunch of Oliver's hair in Lily's hand.

MILEY

Man, you weren't kidding about that knot.

LILY

(grins) Mmmm. And he thought I couldn't get it out.

Cuts to Oliver, lying on the beach outside Rico's rolling around screaming in pain.

***

Rico and Jackson walk by on the beach, with a surfboard, and sing out the 'whoa-whoa' theme.

Cuts to Lily sitting on the couch at Miley's house, Miley pacing around.

LILY

Oh my gosh, you're in love with Jesse?

MILEY

No, I am not in love with Jesse!

LILY

And yet you're seeing his head on Jake's body? Interesting...

MILEY

OK, fine! I'm a little bit attracted to him, but...I can control it. (the two of them sit at the table) Because I am not going to let this ruin you know, what I have with Jake. I mean, we have such...history, we have too much history to throw it away on some intense, (???), passionate, strong...yet sensitive guy...

LILY

Miley!

MILEY

(dreamily) Who has warm, brown eyes...that move you like the moon with the tide, you know, it...dances, all the time itself.

LILY

Well, as long as you can control it.

MILEY

Control what? (realizes) Oh boy!

Robby runs in.

ROBBY

Whoa! Nothing like a two mile run to make a man feel alone in the world.

MILEY

Great, must be nice to be you.

ROBBY

Well, hello to you little Miss Mood Swing! I thought you'd be happy now that everything is in the open with you and Jake.

MILEY

I am happy! I'm thrilled. Overjoyed. Ecstatic! (laughter) Isn't that right Lily?

LILY

Right, yeah, happy! Never seen her happier, is that the face of a happy girl or what!

Miley grins.

ROBBY

OK, then...argh, you should be excited to know that I was thinking about inviting Jake over for dinner so he and I can get to know each other a little better!

MILEY

Yeah, that sounds like a great idea! Having Jake over for dinner, 'cause he's my boyfriend. (follows Robby into kitchen) My only boyfriend. The only one that I want. The only one that I need. You get that, mister!

ROBBY

Sweet niblets! Honey, what I'm trying to say is, argh, you and I need a little code word for when you're dealing with these little teenage girl things. Something like...the walrus sings at midnight.

MILEY

The walrus sings at Midnight?

ROBBY

The walrus sings at midnight, that's it.

MILEY

Daddy, the walrus sings at midnight!

ROBBY

Right, OK...I get it, argh...I might go for another run, see all the wonders of the world.

Robby swiftly moves out. Miley moves back over to Lily at the table.

MILEY

I have got ... I have got to get over this stupid Jesse thing!

LILY

How? I mean, you're with him like every day!

MILEY

I know, but I'm a professional. I can shake it off.

LILY

Really? OK, alright, well...(produces cookie jar) Let's say this cookie jar is Jessie. And he's playing, and your eyes meet as you're singing, He Could be the One, He Could be the One...

The monkey head on the jar turns into Jesse's head. Miley is now holding it. Miley lip-locks the face.

LILY

Miley? Miley! (taps on jar) Miley!

MILEY

Arghh! That was not me, that was the cookie jar! He made the first move. The toaster warned me about you, mister! Bad monkey.

LILY

Miley, you just kissed a ceramic monkey and then broke up with it! How are you going to control yourself when you see the real Jesse, I mean, put a paper bag over his head?

MILEY

(tuffing) Of course not, Lily, that is, that is ridiculous.

***

At the Roof Cafe - Hannah and Jesse are on stage performing He Could be the One, both with giant stuffed head over them.

JESSE

OK, this is not working!

HANNAH

That's because you, are not giving it a chance. Kids are going to love the whole "Hannah Mont-animal" thing. It's going to be great for the tour! Because it's like the circus, with music. Am I right? I am always thinking. Always...whoa!

Hannah trips over, Lola runs to her aide.

HANNAH

OK, alright! (Lola helps her up) Maybe we should just call it a day.

LOLA

Yeah, um, OK...I'm going on a limb here, but this is not your best idea.

HANNAH

(takes off helmet) I know. I just 'gotta learn you know, to be around Jesse without getting all you know, weak-kneed.

Jesse is over on the stage, wearing only a singlet and pants.

HANNAH

Oh, sweet sweaty niblets!

LOLA

Alright, alright. Be strong. Be strong, you can do this.

Jesse approaches them.

JESSE

OK, what gives, you are way too smart to come up with something this stupid.

HANNAH

Hey! For your information you are looking at a girl stupid enough to dress up as a chicken, a duck, a swan...

LOLA

A pirate, a carrot. Oh, and once, at Make-a-Moose, she had an explosion in her pants.

HANNAH

It's not what it sounds like. Look, my point is, I am completely stupid.

JESSE

Fine, if you don't want to tell me what's going on...I'm 'outta here.

HANNAH

No, Jesse, please. (pause) It's honesty time. (Lola nods) Lola?

LOLA

Yeah.

HANNAH

It's honesty time.

LOLA

(gesturing fourth) Yeah.

HANNAH

Go!

LOLA

Fine, I'll go to the bathroom...

She walks out. Hannah turns to Jesse.

HANNAH

I'm attracted to you, OK!

JESSE

Really?

HANNAH

Yes, but I'm not going to do anything about it. (she sits at a table, Jesse joins her)

JESSE

Really?

HANNAH

Really. Because, you know...I have someone, that's caring, and loyal and is always going to be there for me.

JESSE

Are you dating a guy, or a golden retriever?

HANNAH

Stop it! Look, the point is that I love Jake. And, I'm not going to ruin that just because of some smooth-talking, good looking and tense (???), (dreamily) sweetie. Strong, yet sensitive guy. Do me a favor. Put this on for me. (puts the cow helmet on Jesse's head) There. You're a heartbreaker, and I, I just can't be with someone like that.

JESSE

Wait a min...

Jesse goes to take off his helmet, as Hannah leaves.

HANNAH

Hey. I saw you dump that girl the other day. Just what I thought.

Jesse stands and goes to her.

JESSE

I dumped her because I met you.

HANNAH

How many times have you used that one before?

JESSE

OK... a lot. But this time I mean it. It's different with you, I can't get you out of my head. Your laugh...the way you lose yourself in a song...the way you love life...(leans into kiss her) Just say no if you want me to stop.

HANNAH

(backing away) No! No! See, I can't do this because, argh, I mean, I wanna' kiss you. (Jake Ryan enters) You have no idea how much I want to kiss you. Boy, do I want to kiss you!

JAKE

You 'wanna what?

HANNAH

Jakey! I was just writing a song for you, You don't know how much I want to kiss you, let's go! Isn't that right Jesse?

JESSE

What?

JAKE

Yeah...I don't believe it either.

HANNAH

Look Jake, nothing happened and nothing was going to happen.

JESSE

She wanted it too.

HANNAH

One problem at a time, please. (Lola enters) Look, you know how I feel about you Jake.

JAKE

I thought I did! Now, I'm not so sure. When you figure it out, let me know. (exit)

JESSE

Me too. For what it was worth, I wanted to kiss you too. (exit)

LOLA

Whoaw. Go to the bathroom, you just miss everything.

***

Miley is sitting on her bed, looking at a photo of Jake and a photo of Jesse. Lily and Oliver enter.

OLIVER

Hey Miles, we got here as fast as we could.

LILY

Yeah, we would've been here sooner, but somebody thought code red meant stop and get frozen yoghurt on the way to Miley's!

OLIVER

Oh, that's funny. I don't remember this bothering you when you were eating most of it!

LILY

Hey.

MILEY

Oh. How selfish am I. I mean, my life is practically falling apart, but argh...I'm interrupting a yoghurt crisis!

LILY

Sorry, OK. We're here for you.

OLIVER

(Lily and Oliver sit on the bed) OK, so argh...so what's the deal? Both of these guys are just waiting for you to make up your mind?

MILEY

Yeah.

OLIVER

Man. I 'gotta tell you Miley, if I found out that Lily was torn between me and another guy...I would walk right up to her, and I would say...

LILY

What? You would say what?

OLIVER

...You take all the time you need, sweetheart, I am here for you and only you, would you like a foot massage?

LILY

Oh. See, this is why I love you. And, why you would think I would even look at another guy, because I am a one-guy kind of girl. I don't go buzzing around like some little Queen diva who...(indistinct noise; Oliver coughs) But that's just me! You know, I don't make any judgements. Oh, look at the time, I'm late!

Lily goes for the door.

OLIVER

Late for what, we just got here.

LILY

We're just late, OK!

OLIVER

OK!

He goes and joins Lily at the door.

LILY

You know, whatever choice you make, it's 'gonna be OK. Let's face it, they're both gorgeous.

OLIVER (V/O)

What!

LILY

In a way that's totally unattractive to me personally, because to me, it's not about the looks.

OLIVER

Excuse me?

LILY

Which is why your rigid good looks are just icing on the cake!

OLIVER

You're darn right, there.

LILY

Yeah!

Lily shrugs at Miley, before exiting. Miley examines both of the photos.

MILEY

Man, this is just so hard. (to Jake's photo) I mean, you...we have so much history. I mean, I loved you, and then I couldn't stand you, then I loved you, then I couldn't stand you again, and then you did the whole 'Gotcha' thing and then then we kissed and...argh! (to Jesse's photo) And you. I mean, Jesse, we have no history. But when we were writing that song...something just clicked. And then you said all those incredibly sweet things and then we almost kissed, which brings me back to...argh! Why do you have to be so wonderful! Why can't you guys just do the honorable thing and stink!

Miley hits the photos together, but then Jake's voice is heard from the image.

JAKE

Hey, watch it! What do you see in this guy anyway?

JESSE

Oh, real macho movie star. Come on, I know you had a thing with him but that doesn't mean you have to stay with him out of guilt.

JAKE

Guilt? She loves me!

JESSE

Oh.

JAKE

Not you.

JESSE

I think you mean loved. As in, the past. As in, that was then, and this is Jesse-time.

JAKE

Jake time.

JESSE

Jesse time!

JAKE

Jake!

JESSE

Jesse!

JAKE

Jake!

JESSE

Jesse! Jesse!

JAKE

Jake!

JESSE

Jesse!

MILEY

Stop it! Arghh!!!

As she lies back on her bed, Robby enters.

ROBBY

You OK?

MILEY

(sitting up) Daddy. I'm yelling at pictures. Does this seem normal to you?

ROBBY

Mile, in this family I stopped expecting normal a long time ago. What's going on?

MILEY

Well, remember Jesse? The one that I pretended to like so maybe you'd like Jake a little better?

ROBBY

Oh, no.

MILEY

Oh yeah.

ROBBY

So you don't like Jake anymore?

MILEY

Didn't say that!

ROBBY

Oh, no.

MILEY

Oh, yeah.

ROBBY

Oh, boy.

MILEY

Actually, oh boys.

Miley and Robby sit on Miley's bed.

ROBBY

Oh, well. Sounds like you got yourself into a tough situation here. I really feel for you. Oh, but it's clear to me there's only one thing you can do. Dump 'em both, and buy shoes. Two pair, I'll pay, your choice.

MILEY

Daddy.

ROBBY

OK. Three pair, and I'll go with (???)

MILEY

Dad, you are no help at all. No guy is! The only thing you are good for is opening jars, changing tires and going downstairs with a baseball bat when we think we hear something.

Miley walks out, Robby follows. Rico and Jackson appear in Miley's room, singing again.

JACKSON

Men are useless, yes it's true.

RICO

I'm a man, and so are you.

JACKSON

Don't ask us stuff, 'cause we're always wrong.

RICO

We don't even know how to end this song.

Rico and Jackson stare at each other, and skip out 'la-larring'.

***

Cuts to night - Miley is out on the front porch, playing the guitar. Robby walks out with his laptop.

MILEY

Dad. You can show me as many pictures of shoes as you want, but it's not going to change anything. But bookmark the page for when I'm feeling better.

ROBBY

Now Mile, I know I'm not much good when it comes to this kind of thing, but I think I know someone who is.

MILEY

Oh no. Dad, you're not going to show me that Gilligan's Island episode where he has to choose between Ginger and Mary-Anne and ends up loosing the both of them.

ROBBY

Yeah, and the banana raft. I thought for sure it was going to get them off the island that time. But don't worry, I am positive you have not seen this before. Just click on play.

Robby leaves Miley, and Miley presses on play. On the screen appears her mother in a barn with a horse.

MOM

Hey, baby girl.

MILEY

Mom?

MOM

Well, if you're watching this, it means you've reached an age where you're having boy troubles, and your daddy's only solution is to bring out one of those goofy Gilligan Island episodes. Blue Jeans says I'm right, would you just hush up and hold the camera? Come here. Now, honey, you're probably wishing I was there to help you. But the truth is, if I was, I'd be telling you exactly what I am telling you now. The only voice that really matters, is the one inside you. It's easier than you think. And if you listen to your heart, an answer will always come to you. It's 'gonna be OK, sweet pea. I love you.

MILEY

I love you too. (closes laptop) Alright. OK, heart. I'm listening, let's hear the answer. (nothing) Still listening. Don't be shy. Just you and me here!

Her phone rings. She looks at CALLER ID and sees it is Jake.

MILEY

...Jake. Well I guess that this means...(the other phone rings) Jesse? Oh, mud crunkies! (answers both phones) Hi, I can't get to the phone right now, but I really, really want to hear what you have to say. Please leave me a message. And I don't care what links, because I really, really, really want to hear what you have to say. Beep!

Jake appears on one side of the screen.

JAKE

Hey, it's me. I just wanted to say that...

Jesse appears.

JESSE

I feel 'kinda bad about...

JAKE

Putting you on the spot like that. The bottom line is...

JESSE

No matter what you decide...

JESSE / JAKE

I just want you to be happy.

Miley hangs up both of the phones.

MILEY

Arghh! Two boys that just want me to be happy? You didn't see that one coming, did you mom?

Miley sits down on the stairs, as Don't Wanna Be Torn plays in the background.

MILEY [CONT'D]

I thought you said it was easy..."listening to your heart".

Miley stares down, as a strong gush of wind blows, opening the doors to her room. The photos of Jake and Jesse fly out and land on her lap. She examines them.

***

Hannah and Jesse are sitting on the stage at the Roof.

JESSE

Whoaw. So it's not me.

HANNAH

It's just...when your picture landed in front of me, I...

JESSE

You were disappointed.

HANNAH

I'm sorry, Jesse...there's just something between Jake and me.

JESSE

Well like I said, he's a lucky guy. (pause, as Don't Wanna be Torn plays in background) Go on. It's OK.

HANNAH

Thanks.

Hannah pecks him on the cheek, as she runs out.

***

Miley comes down the stairs at her house, Jake is at the door.

JAKE

Miley, Miley! I got your message, so is it me, or...

MILEY

Jake!!

She jumps on him.

***

Jackson and Rico are dressed as Hannah Montana, singing.

JACKSON / RICO

She was in love with both guys!

RICO

But she had to choose.

JACKSON

Which meant the other one would loose.

JACKSON / RICO

She was in love with both guys! But she listened to her heart and you know it helped her choose the right guy.

They spin around, bumping into each other.

***

Jake and Miley are hugging, on Miley's porch. He Could be the One is playing in the background. Various recaps are shown from the episodes that Jake, Hannah and Miley meet.

***

He Could be the One continues to play in the background, as Jake and Robby shake hands. Miley is behind them, as they share a hug.

ROBBY

You sure?

MILEY

Yes!!

As Jake and Robby release themselves, Miley hugs the two of them.

***

Hannah Montana © Walt Disney.