***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY RAY CYRUS
"HANNAH MONTANA"
***
Hannah is walking across the stage.
ANNOUNCER VOICE (V/O)
And we're back in thirty, people.
As Hannah passes Oliver, she stops, and blocks her face out with her hand as she continues on to Lola.
LOLA
Surprise!
HANNAH
How could you guys not tell me?
LOLA
Because we knew you'd say Oliver couldn't be on the show.
HANNAH
And you were right.
LOLA
Great, so we're all on the same page.
HANNAH
What page?!
LOLA
The page just before you forgive me because he's gonna be really, really good and you're gonna see there was nothing to worry about and if I'm really lucky right now the announcer's voice is gonna say:
ANNOUNCER VOICE (V/O)
And we're back in ten.
LOLA
Thank-you! Bye.
Lola tries to push Hannah away, but she turns back.
HANNAH
Hey, you know what? One of these days, you are gonna run out of breath and then I'm gonna come up with my own run-on sentence without any periods, commas or punctuation whatsoever!
Hannah exhales a deep breath as she turns away. As she passes Oliver on the stage, she again blocks her face out of view as she continues.
ANNOUNCER VOICE (V/O)
And now, back to America's Top Talent!
The crowd cheer as Hannah takes her seat again, with a forced smile on her face.
ANDY
So, my man, in honor of our guest judge here, which Hannah song are you gonna drop on us tonight?
OLIVER
The brilliant "Let's Do This". Uh, of course, all of her songs are brilliant, b-because she's such a great artist. And, uh...so I hear, kind and caring and forgiving...?
HANNAH
And hates surprises. (to Oliver directly) Just in case you were wondering.
BYRON
You know what I was wondering? (to Oliver) If you're gonna sing before Andy's head starts sprouting stubble.
As the back up music starts to sound, Oliver takes his place on the stage and starts to sing. Lola jiggles to the music a little, and at first, Hannah just sits with a gazed frown. By the end of the song, as Oliver goes over to the judges, Hannah seems to have enjoyed it a little.
ANDY
You know what I can't resist? Telling you you have talent. (applause from the audience) Good job.
Hannah jumps up from her seat and cheers, waving up her hands.
HANNAH
Whooo!!!! Wait a go, Oliver! ...Oiken. (looking at the nomination form) Oliver Oiken. (fanning herself) Yep. Never heard that name before. Very interesting. (sits down) Actually, it's my first Oiken. Kinda' like Token-Oiken. (laughs) You know, for just hearing his name the first time today I think that's pretty darn clever. (fans herself again and leans back awkwardly) Okay... Byron?
BYRON
Well, Mr Oiken, uh... I have to say, I find myself completely appalled.
Hannah scrunches her face away. Lola looks from side-stage with worry.
BYRON
... By how much I liked that. Well done.
The audience give another round of applause.
HANNAH(to Oliver)
Well done! You are so much better than you were at that... (on Byron's look) ...the beginning of the song. Where I thought you were just a little pinchy. But, good job, Otto. (pause) See, I don't even know his name. Cause I've never met him before. (uneasy pause) Is it commercial, yet?
***
Robby is standing behind the counter in the kitchen, unwrapping his latest purchase.
ROBBY
Wooo, baby. Now that is what I call a state of the art nose hair trimmer. (turns the device on) Listen to that power! (turning to the mirror by the stairs) Stubborn nose hairs, you are about to be cut down to size.
Robby places the item in his nostril and turns it on. As the vibration sounds, he finds himself unable to take it out.
ROBBY
Oh, boy...
Jackson arrives, closing the front door as he steps in holding a piece of paper. Robby desperately turns around, to hide the situation he's in, as he is approached by Jackson.
JACKSON (somewhat guilty)
Hey, dad. Umm...uh -- have you ever been in a-a situation where you're kinda stuck and you don't know what to do or say next?
ROBBY
Uh...nope, no idea what you're talking about. Gotta go, bye.
Robby hurries off upstairs.
JACKSON (calling after)
Dad, I just got a traffic ticket!
Robby quickly turns back.
ROBBY
You what?
JACKSON
Oh, no, dad, not again.
ROBBY
I have very manly nose hairs.
Robby mans it up and pulls out the device sticking out of his nostril. Some hairs are attached off it.
ROBBY (about the hairs)
...I get it from your aunt Pearl. (taking the ticket) Jackson Rod Stewart, how could you?
JACKSON
Dad, I swear, I made a totally, complete...ish, stop. And-and, in my defense, I had a hundred percent visibility, and there wasn't anybody within blocks of me.
ROBBY
Except for the cop.
JACKSON
Who-who was hiding. And, I'm not even sure if that's legal... ish.
ROBBY
I don't want to hear any excuses. You broke the law and that's why got a ticket for (reading; angry) three hundred and twenty-five dollars?!!
JACKSON
I know, it's outrageous! I wouldn't pay it if I were you. (gives Robby a tap on the shoulder)
ROBBY
Oh, I'm not gonna pay it. You are.
JACKSON
Where am I gonna get three hundred and twenty five dollars? I don't work for Rico anymore.
Robby tilts his head upwards towards the ceiling.
JACKSON
Oh, no... you wouldn't. Not... ohh...
***
Jackson coughs as he makes his way through up to the messy attic, followed by his father.
JACKSON
Come on, dad, what's the big deal?
ROBBY
Three hundred and twenty-five bucks, that's the big deal. (offering the duster) Have fun cleaning, law-breaker.
Jackson cringes back as he hears a squeal from above.
JACKSON
Was that a bat?
Robby laughs triumphantly as he leaves Jackson. Jackson hits his arm around madly in attempt to dodge the bat coming for him.
JACKSON
Not the neck! Not the neck...!!
He falls back onto some boxes.
***
At school, Miley closes her locker door as she turns and finds Lilly and Oliver at either side of her.
LILLY/OLIVER
Hellloo!
LILLY (waving a bag in Miley's face)
I bought a little BM for my BFF!
MILEY (expecting the worst)
Please tell me that's a blueberry muffin.
OLIVER
Of course it is. What-what'd you think it... ohhh.
Miley takes the bag and crosses to the opposite side of Oliver.
LILLY
So, uh...just wanted to make sure that you were, you know...
MILEY
Not mad? I told you guys that last night. I mean, sure, it's a little bit awkward, but as long as ya'll understand that our friendship can't influence the way that I vote, I'm cool with it.
OLIVER
Absolutely.
LILLY
Great. I mean, we wouldn't want it any other way.
OLIVER
Uh... unless, you know, it's right on the line, could go either way.
MILEY
Speaking of either way, go that way.
Miley points Oliver off.
OLIVER
Right.
And, he heads off. Lilly and Miley walk off together in the opposite direction.
LILLY
You know, he didn't really mean that. I mean, he'd never want you to play favorites. Cause, that's the kind of friend he is. A good friend. A best friend. A friend who would never let you down.
MILEY
Oh, cool. For a minute there I thought you were gonna pressure me or something.
LILLY
I'm sorry, I just really want him to win.
MILEY
And he will if he's the best. You know, I'm just so surprised that you're onboard with this. I mean, considering how it could affect your relationship.
LILLY
Our relationship? What do you mean?
In all time, Lilly and Miley turn as they watch Oliver being chased against the wall by a group of excited girls.
OLIVER
L-listen, I gotta get to class.
GIRL
Say it for us once, please?
OLIVER
OK, all right. Just this once. (with style on continuing) Aha, aha.
The girls scream as they follow after Oliver down the hallway, passing Miley and Lilly and shoving them harshly against the locker cabinet.
LILLY (to Miley)
OK, I know what you're thinking. OK, but my Ollipop and I have a very strong, trusting relationship and I'm totally not worried. I mean-I mean, just because girls are gonna be all over him doesn't mean he's gonna be affected by it.
***
Later on, down at the beach outside Rico's. Miley is sat down on a chair as Lilly applies some sunscreen to her friend's back. The same gaggle of girls from school come following after Oliver onto the beach, squealing with excitement.
OLIVER
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. (to a blonde beside him) Be patient, babe. OK, I'll get to you next, babe.
MILEY (to Lilly)
Are you sure that you're OK with this?
LILLY (fake)
Yeah, yeah. I'm fine. I mean, he's just having fun with all the new attention. I mean, it's not like he's treating me any different.
Oliver comes over and taps Lilly on the shoulder.
OLIVER
Hey uh, hey babe. Fans wanna' take pictures of me by the ocean, so uhh...(looking back at the girls; turns to back to Lilly)...I'll call you, babe. (turning back to the girls) To the beach!
The girls scream as they follow Oliver down onto the beach.
LILLY (annoyed; to Miley)
He called me babe. Twice.
Lilly presses down on Miley's shoulder just a little to hard.
MILEY
Ow, ow, ow!!
LILLY
Sorry. I-I, was trying to rub it in.
MILEY
To what? My bones?
LILLY
Miley, what am I gonna do? That show's turning my Ollipop star into an Ollipoop star.
Lilly sits herself down on the seat opposite Miley.
MILEY
OK, I know we agreed that we'd never say I told you so, so I'm gonna text you, OK?
Miley picks up her phone from the table and starts typing.
LILLY
Miley.
Lilly's phone beeps. She has just received a text.
MILEY (on Lilly's look)
What? I'm just so fast. Look, if I could just boot him off, I would.
Lilly sits up with a persuasive smile on her face.
LILLY
Why can't you?
MILEY
As soon as he doesn't do a good job, I'm gonna drop-kick his babe-callin' butt right out of the studio.
Lilly follows Miley up.
LILLY
But, wait. What if he keeps being good?
MILEY
Oh, come on Lilly, let's not dwell on the positive. (to the girl behind the counter) Two waters.
LILLY
So you'd vote for him again even after the way he's treating me?
MILEY
Well, I'd have too. (taking her water) I mean, I couldn't say he was bad if he wasn't. I mean, we all agreed that I'd vote my conscience.
LILLY (with her convincing grin)
Do you have that in writing?
MILEY
Lilly!
Miley hands Lilly her water as they head back to the table.
LILLY
Well, what's more important? I mean, your conscience or my happiness?
MILEY
Well, that's not really faire, because, technically, it's not my conscience, it's Hannah Montana's. And, you know, that has to do with, you know, all corporate things. You know, contracts, legal stuff, yada-yada-yada... (sits back down) Very complicated.
LILLY
Well I'll tell you something that's not complicated. A friend would blow Oliver off, and if you can't do that for me, well, then I guess we're not as close as I thought.
Lilly violently puts her bottle of water down on the table, grabbing her phone as she walks off.
MILEY (calling after)
Oh come on, Lilly! You can't be that mad.
Miley's phone beeps as a text message comes through.
MILEY (shrieks after reading the content)
Ooohh, she really is that mad.
***
At school, Oliver makes his way through the hallway arm-in-arm with two girls at the head of his fan club.
OLIVER
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Stop tickling, babe two. And hey, no pushing, babe six. Someone made shrimp, and we don't need another sprained babe.
Miley is making her way through the crowd towards Oliver, at the front.
MILEY (approaching)
Excuse me, excuse me! Coming through. Long time friend. Knew him before his voice changed. (at Oliver's side) Oliver, I need to talk to you.
Miley takes Oliver aside from the girls.
OLIVER
What? Miley, I uh... I'm kinda' busy right now.
MILEY (holding out her palm)
Give me your gum.
OLIVER
Why?
MILEY
Just do it.
Oliver spits out his gum onto Miley's palm. She turns to the girls.
MILEY
Hey guys! Who wants fresh Ollie gum? (the girls scream) Fetch!
Miley throws the gum as far away as she can. Screaming, the girls chase after it. Miley waves them off.
MILEY (to Oliver)
And now you're free.
OLIVER
Man, look at that. I mean, they can't get enough of me.
Lilly sneaks up from behind, but steps back against the wall when she sees Oliver with Miley. Oliver looks at his locker, which is decorated with heart shaped balloons.
OLIVER
Oh my gosh, my locker. They like me. They really like me.
MILEY
Yeah, sure. They like you. But, what about Lilly?
OLIVER
I know, she's been acting kinda' weird lately.
MILEY
She's been weird?!!
OLIVER
Yeah, and it's kinda' been hushing my mood.
Lilly stares from behind, with her jaw dropped.
MILEY
I'm gonna' harsh more than your mood. Now, listen to me, Oliver Oiken.
Babe Six and Babe Two come into view, playing tug-of-war with Oliver's gum.
BABE TWO
-- Mine!
BABE SIX
It's my gum. I saw it first, OK?
BABE TWO
I am babe number two, you are babe number six!
Oliver comes in between them, putting his sunglasses back on.
OLIVER
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Smokin' Oiken can chew some more. (to Miley) Hey, Miley. Uh, the fans are calling, so uh... I'll see you later.
Oliver winks and points a finger gun at Miley as he walks off with his "babes". Lilly, who has witnessed the whole thing, comes and stands at Miley's side.
LILLY
Thanks for trying. (gives Miley a hug) I've lost my Ollipop, haven't I?
MILEY
Not if I have anything to do with it. Smokin' Oiken is about to be broken.
Miley and Lilly point a finger gun at each other and wink.
MILEY (as if to mock Oliver; not serious)
Let's go, babe.
Arm in arm, the two friends walk down the hallway.
***
Back up in the attic, Jackson is sweeping with the broom in his astronaut suit, coughing. He takes off his mask to stop and vent to an ornament, clearly from Tennessee, hanging on the wall.
JACKSON
One stupid mistake and it's (mocking Robby) "off to the attic, boy". He wouldn't send Miley to the attic. Oh no, she's got the pressures of a (waves the broom) "pop-star life". Bleagh!
Jackson drops his broom down onto the ground.
JACKSON (spots some balls)
Would I be up here if my juggling career had taken off? I think not.
Jackson takes the balls and attempts juggling. Emphasis on attempts. He grunts with frustration when he drops them. He turns back to wall ornament.
JACKSON
Of course I'm no good! I never get a chance to practise. 'Cause I'm always being punished!
ROBBY (angrily calling from downstairs)
JACKSON ROD STEWART!!!!
JACKSON
It wasn't me! (gazing into thin air) It was a young boy with three balls and a dream.
Robby comes up behind Jackson holding yet another ticket.
ROBBY
And I'm father with a scab in my nose and another ticket in my hand.
JACKSON
Another ticket? There's no way, nobody pulled me over. I bet it's set up. Or-or, some vast, international conspiracy that I only have twenty-four hours to figure out. (taking off his gloves) I gotta go! Beep, beep, beep, beep...
Jackson turns away.
ROBBY
Jackson!
And he turns back.
JACKSON
We have no time!
Jackson heads away, but Robby just continues on.
ROBBY
It's one of those red-light photo tickets. And it shows clear as day that...
Robby takes out the photograph. An image of him in the car.
ROBBY (realizing his mistake)
...I've been way too hard on you.
JACKSON
What?
ROBBY
Yeah, I mean uh...a very wise man once wrote: "Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody has those days." (Jackson gestures for the photo) Oh, come on now. Let's just go down to the kitchen, bake some brownies, and wrestle look old times. Come on!
JACKSON
Let me see the ticket, dad.
ROBBY
Why dwell on the past? Hey, those brownies ain't gonna make themselves.
Robby heads away.
JACKSON
Robby-Ray Stewart!
Jackson holds out his palm and Robby places the photo down.
ROBBY
In my defence, that was the fastest yellow light in the history of time, and possibly a glitch in that whole space-time matrix thing.
JACKSON (prompting)
Or?
ROBBY
Uh...I broke the law and I need to face the consequences.
JACKSON
Which means?
ROBBY
Uh...I'm probably gonna' need to go to traffic school and pay a hefty fine.
JACKSON
And?
Jackson places the photograph down on the table and offers Robby the duster, ever so glad to get rid of it. Robby takes the duster and heads left.
JACKSON
Have fun, pops. (pats Robby on the back and heads downstairs, calling: ) Hey, boys! Fresh blood!
As Jackson goes downstairs, bats come flying and screeching at Robby.
ROBBY
Not the neck! Not the neck! OK, the neck, but not the hair!
***
America's Top Talent. Oliver is walking out onstage.
ANNOUNCER VOICE (V/O)
You loved him last week...will you love him again? Oliver Oiken!
The crowd cheer as Oliver becomes fully visible. Hannah is over at the judge panel with Andy and Byron.
HANNAH (to Andy)
Love? Pfft. I love puppies, and I love chocolate cake, but please? This guy? Right, dawg?
ANDY
Don't 'dawg' me while 'dawg's' singing, dawg!
Oliver begins in his verse of "Welcome to Hollywood". As the song progresses, Hannah watches cross-eyed, and as Byron starts jiggling to the tune, she nudges him. Lola is backstage, watching, unimpressed at first...but Oliver starts to get better...and better. The two of them are unable to hide their distaste and start jiggling around to the beat as well. Hannah and Lola exchange an unsure look when he finishes.
ANNOUNCER VOICE (V/O)
Will Oliver move into the semi's? All three judges must vote yes.
ANDY
Dude, you are what this show is all about. Finding talent and giving it that once-in-a-lifetime chance to be a star. Good job.
The crowd cheer.
HANNAH(unsure)
Well..."once in a lifetime". That is a little dramatic, don't you think? I mean, I'm sure if this doesn't work out, there'll be plenty more opportunities. And, besides, I mean, it only takes one of us to vote him off. So, whatever happens, happens. (on Lola's nod) Byron, you hate everyone. Do your thing.
BYRON
Yeah, I do hate everyone. But not him. (Lola scrutinizes from backstage) I love everything about you. Except your skinny jeans. Chaffing just looking at you. But to deny you your well-earned spot in the semi-finals for something that has absolutely nothing to do with your talent would...well, even I wouldn't be that cruel.
ANDY
So it's up to you, H.M. Send Mr Oiken on -
BYRON
- or put an end to his career right here, right now?
Hannah looks at Oliver, who returns with a pleading look. She looks over at Lola, who gives a nod of confirmation.
HANNAH (takes a deep breath)
You did great. Welcome to Hollywood. Congratulations.
The crowd cheer. Oliver waves as he turns backstage. Hannah watches Lola back away, downed.
***
Later on, after the show. Oliver is on the stage and is approached by a gaggle of screaming girls. They have indistinct chatter (far to indistinct to comprehend). Hannah walks down and watches.
OLIVER
Oh, hold on, just one sec. Sorry guys.
Oliver withdraws himself and goes over to Hannah.
OLIVER (to Hannah, with a big smile)
Hey, I made it to the semi's! How cool is that?!
HANNAH (fake)
Yeah. Congratulations. Hope you're happy. (turns away)
OLIVER
Of course I'm happy! Isn't that what it's all about? Winning?
HANNAH
Not if it means losing the most important people in your life.
OLIVER
What are you talking about?
HANNAH
Look around you. (Oliver turns to the girls) Oliver, what's missing?
OLIVER (turning back to Hannah)
An agent. (steps in Hannah's way as she turns) Miley, Miley.
HANNAH
Lilly left. (pause) But what's it matter? You made it to the semi's....(coldly), babe.
Hannah walks off, not happy at all. Oliver watches her go as the girls come screaming and run to his side.
***
Miley slowly walks onto the porch outside the front of her house, Hannah wig dangling from her hand. Lilly is sat on the seat looking upset.
MILEY
Hey.
LILLY
Hey.
Miley sits down beside Lilly and places a friendly arm around her shoulder.
MILEY
I'm so sorry, Lilly...
LILLY (interrupting)
I know, I know. You had too. (annoyed) He was wonderful. (calling upwards) Curse you, Gods of Talent!
MILEY
Look. Honey, this wouldn't have happened if you had of picked a boyfriend with no ambition, no goals...total deadbeat. What were you thinking?
LILLY
Well he was a deadbeat when I met him.
MILEY
Men, I know. You think you know them and then all of a sudden they want to (laughs) do something with their lives. It's ridiculous.
Miley and Lilly walk in the front door together. They look over in disgust when Jackson turns around from the mirror with Robby's nose hair picking device dangling out of his nose.
JACKSON (on Miley and Lilly's stare)
What?
MILEY (to Lilly)
And then there's Jackson.
JACKSON (shrugging)
Like-like you've never seen a guy with one of these sticking out his nose before? Cause apparently in this house it happens all the time!
Jackson turns away and goes upstairs. Miley closes the front door and follows Lilly into the lounge room.
LILLY
Well, that's it. I guess I don't have a boyfriend anymore.
MILEY
Oh come on, Lilly. (she and Lilly sit down) You don't need him. He doesn't deserve you.
LILLY
You're right. Yeah-yeah, I don't need him. In fact, I'm better off without him. If he came crawling back on his hands and knees I just wouldn't even...(the doorbell rings and Lilly looks up)...oh my gosh, he's here!
Lilly gets up to go to the door. Miley holds out a hand and blocks her way.
MILEY
Whoa! Slow down. Be strong. And remember -
LILLY
Yeah, I'm better off without him.
MILEY
Yes.
Miley steps in front of Lilly and answers the door. Oliver steps in.
MILEY (firmly; to Oliver)
What do you want?
OLIVER
My girlfriend back.
MILEY
Oh, pffttt! (tuts) You think you can just walk in here with that "Lilly, I'm sorry" look on your face and she's just gonna' run into your arms like nothing even happened...?
And she couldn't have chosen her words better. Lilly jumps into Oliver's arms.
LILLY
Ollipop!
MILEY (looking aside)
Lucky guess.
OLIVER
Lilly, I'm so sorry I've been such a jerk. Okay, I got caught up in all the attention, but...Miley's right. None of this means anything to me if I can't share it with you. (Miley folds her arms and watches) Please forgive me?
Lilly, still hugging Oliver, points a finger over at Miley, who rolls her eyes.
MILEY
Fine, I guess we will.
Lilly gives a thumbs up. Oliver looks confused. Jackson comes back downstairs, still with the nose trimmer hanging from his nose, on the phone.
JACKSON (on the phone)
Alright. Could-could you just hold on, one second? Uh...Miles, can you read the serial number on this thing?
MILEY (reading the device from Jackson's nose)
Sure. I M A
JACKSON (repeating to the phone)
I M A
MILEY
Dork.
JACKSON
Dork. (realizes Miley's play on words and sighs)
MILEY (a grin on her face)
Finally. You finally admit it. Come on, I'll help you.
Miley drags Jackson upstairs by the nose hair trimmer. Oliver and Lilly hug again, though it's possible they never released.
***
Jackson, dressed as his alter-ego Bucky Kentucky, from season 2 episode 5 "I am Hannah, Hear Me Croak", is auditioning on the stage in front of the judges for America's Top Talent. Kara is back. He is attempting to sing Hannah Montana's song Rock Star. As he slides over to the judges, they all watch with amazement at how awful Jackson's singing ability is. Kara gawks, and Andy and Byron shake their heads. Byron stares with his jaw dropped as the performance comes to an end and Jackson does an air guitar solo with his arms.
KARA (after the performance)
I have nothing good to say about. (despairingly) And I'm the nice one.
Jackson crouches down and holds up his arms.
***
Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. No infringment is intended through the transcription of this episode originally written by Andrew Green.
