Jackson is on the couch watching Superman, and Hannah Montana is at the mirror by the staircase.
JACKSON
Yeah, right. Glasses on, he's Clark Kent. Glasses off, he's Superman. Like nobody would figure that out!
HANNAH
I know, it is so obvious!
Robby walks over beside Hannah, with his moustache on.
ROBBY
How's my moustache?
HANNAH
Perfect...Man, Mamaw should've been here by now, what time does her plane get in?
ROBBY
Don't ask me, I offered to pick her up but the woman wouldn't even give me her flight number. You know, sometimes she can be as tight-lipped as a frog eating a peanut butter fly! (Hannah and Jackson stare at him blankly) Frog eating a peanut butter fly, get it?
JACKSON
Is that a new one, dad?
ROBBY
Yeah, I made it up last night, you like it?
HANNAH
Well, as long as it doesn't end up in one of my songs, I think it's brilliant.
ROBBY
Darlin', I know you'd love to be here to give your grandma a hug, but I've got to get you to that photo shoot.
HANNAH
Yeah, you're right, but...what's taking her so long?
As Robby opens the door, a rusty car engine is heard pulling up on the driveway.
ROBBY
Sweet Pete, the woman drove here all the way from Tennessee?
JACKSON
How do you know it's her?
A cat's vicious miaow is heard from outside.
MAMAW (V/O)
(shouting) Get out of the driveway, you stupid cat!
ROBBY
Just a hunch...I hope she didn't squish Fluffy!
The three of them run out onto the driveway and find Mamaw standing by her old Cadillac car.
JACKSON / HANNAH
Mamaw!
MAMAW
Oh! (Hannah and Jackson hug her) Don't squeeze too hard, I've been sucking down iced tea since Albekirki.
ROBBY
You drove this rust bucket all the way across the country? If you're in such a hurry to risk your life, why don't you just walk into bear country wearing fish pants?
MAMAW
Funny, I don't remember sitting on your egg for three weeks but apparently I hatched a chicken.
JACKSON
Burn! Up top. (jumps into the car)
ROBBY
I just care about you, that's all. (hugs his mother)
HANNAH
Oh, dad, don't worry. Mamaw wouldn't drive anything that isn't safe. And besides, this car's a classic, they don't make 'em like this anymore. (she leans her hand on one of the view-mirrors and it bends down) Probably because it's against the law!
MAMAW
Oh, hush! I'll have you know that Loretta here drove your drove your grandpa and me to Hooperville on our honeymoon...took your grandpa to work for forty years and me to the hospital the day your daddy was born. Well, almost...he was in such a big hurry he popped out right there on that front seat.
Jackson, after hearing that last comment, quickly jumps out of the car...but ends up falling out...
ROBBY
Speaking of being in a hurry, I've got to get this girl to a photo shoot.
MAMAW
Not to worry, I will just drive you.
HANNAH / ROBBY
No!
HANNAH
Aargh...'member...you've got eighteen hundred miles of iced tea to take care of.
MAMAW
Not to mention that over rot bag of cherries that I bought in Barstow…(clutches her stomach) You know what, I'm just going to move this out of the way so I'm not blockin' the road...(enters her car)
JACKSON
Well, hold on Mamaw, let's get your bags.
Hannah and Jackson reach into the back to get out Mamaw's bags, but she has already turned on the engine...and a puff of diesel backfires onto Jackson and Hannah, ruining their outfits.
MAMAW
Maybe I should stop using Uncle Earl's homemade gas...
HANNAH / JACKSON
Ya' think?
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY-RAY CYRUS
"HANNAH MONTANA"
***
Robby is on his phone, in the kitchen. Mamaw is sitting at the bench with a coffee and Jackson is sitting at the table.
ROBBY
I promise, Hannah'll be there tomorrow. (hangs up phone) Well, thanks to that old clunker of yours I just had to cancel a very important photo shoot for Miley.
MAMAW
Well what would you like me to do? Spank Loretta on the trunk and send her to the garage without supper?
JACKSON
I was thinking more like, shoot it, stuff it and hang it over the fireplace.
MAMAW
I heard that!
JACKSON
I meant, shoot! It's great havin' it here hangin' out, and...stuff…fireplace...
ROBBY
Let's face it, mom. The sheering's loose, the breaks are dusty and I've seen better transmissions on triceptors!
MAMAW
Oh, yeah? Well at least my car keeps her spare tyre in her trunk instead of hanging out over her belt, porky! (taps Robby's stomach)
ROBBY
I am not porky! And don't you go changing the subject.
MAMAW
Well, I'm sorry, I'm tired of hearing you raggin' on your birthplace. Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go upstairs and unpack.
As Mamaw goes upstairs, she stops when Miley comes down in her dressing gown with a towel wrapped around her hair.
MILEY
Wow, I think finally got it all of. (coughs; and diesel comes pouring out) Guess I just didn't get it all out...
MAMAW
Oh, Miley sweetie, I'm so sorry you were on the wrong end of one of Loretta's car toots.
MILEY
That's OK, Mamaw...(holds her palm out)...sudd happens.
MAMAW
Well, I'm glad to see that not everybody in this family blames a poor, innocent car on all of their troubles. (walks off)
MILEY
Yeah, of course not, 'gotta love that car! (laughs; walks down to the kitchen) ...I hate that car. She can not keep driving that thing, it's not safe.
ROBBY
Honey, I've been trying to get her to sell it for twenty years. Every time I break it up all she does is tell me I'm fat. Not one single word about how great my hair looks!
MILEY
Well, I think it's time to stop trying and start buying.
ROBBY
I'm telling you, 'Miles, she loves that car.
MILEY
Yeah, and she also thought Jackson was the most beautiful baby in the world...'til I came along.
JACKSON
Excuse me?
ROBBY
Come on, let's face it son, you were the first grandchild, she was ready to love about anything.
JACKSON
Well, let's face it dad...you're fat.
MILEY
Hey! Come on guys, we're getting off subject here. She'll forget all about Loretta as soon as she sees that bright, shiny new car.
ROBBY
New car? What's wrong with certified pre-owned, I mean it comes with all the warranties, and it's less expensive...
MILEY
(cutting Robby off) Dad!
ROBBY
Fine...
MILEY
Trust me, the look on her face will be priceless.
***
Out on the driveway, Miley, Jackson and Robby are showing Mamaw the new car they have bought for her...and she stares at with narrow, sharp eyes...
MILEY
Not quite the look I was going for...
MAMAW
Where is Loretta?
ROBBY
Well, mom, we traded her in.
MILEY
For this brand new car!
JACKSON
Yeah, that's right, this brand new beauty comes with hand-tooled leather interior.
ROBBY / MILEY
Oohhh!!
JACKSON
Nation-wide navigation with real time traffic.
ROBBY / MILEY
Aarghhh...
JACKSON
But wait, there's more!
MAMAW
Oh no there ain't. How could you?
ROBBY / JACKSON
(pointing at Miley) It was her idea.
Mamaw rolls her eyes and walks off into the house.
***
At Rico's Shack, Oliver is on duty, whistling, as a young boy approaches the counter.
OLIVER
Hey, big guy. What can I get you?
BOY #1
I can't decide between the hot dog and the nachos.
OLIVER
Well, how about I put the hot dog in the nachos, throw a little jalapeno over that...and boom! That's "not-ya'll" ordinary dog, dog! (hands the nacho-dog to the boy)
BOY #1
Awesome!
OLIVER
I know!
Oliver turns and gives the money to Rico, who is sitting on the counter.
RICO
I 'gotta admit, the whole Mr Happy thing of yours is so inspiring, makes me wish I had a magical horse.
OLIVER
Magical horse, why?
RICO
So it could kick your teeth in!
OLIVER
Oh, oh yeah...like a "magical" horse would do that.
RICO
Mine would...and then it would poop gold coins! (on Oliver's look) Anyway, since you've been working here, my profits have been up two-hundred percent.
OLIVER
(hopefully) Wait...does that mean that I'm getting a raise?
RICO
How can I say this so you'll understand...you'll never get a raise! Never, ever, EVER!
OLIVER
It's OK. I make a fortune in tips anyway.
Rico runs over to the counter and takes the tip jar.
RICO
Not anymore! ...oh, wait, is your mom still a cop?
OLIVER
Oh, yes...
RICO
Let me just get rid of these pesky fingerprints...(wipes the jar with a serviette)
Lily comes running over to the counter with a box hidden behind her back.
LILY
Hey, Olli-pop!
OLIVER
Hey, Lily-pop!
LILY
Happy one-hundred day-anniversary! (holds out the box)
OLIVER
(takes the box; has been caught by surprise) Aargh, yeah...right back at you.
LILY
You forgot, didn't you?
OLIVER
No! Of course not, in fact...I put a lot of thought into your gift. (holds out the tip jar for her) Go buy yourself something nice...
LILY
How could you forget our special day?
RICO
(walks over) Really Olli-pop, how could you? (to Lily) I feel your pain, girlfriend!
OLIVER
(pushes Rico away) OK, listen, I'm sorry. Happy hundred-day anniversary! (tries to kiss Lily's palm, but she pushes it back)
LILY
Oh, just forget it!
OLIVER
I did forget it, you got mad at me...(puts on a sad face)
LILY
No, no, no! Don't you cutzie face me.
OLIVER
OK...
LILY
OK?! That's how you make me feel better?
OLIVER
Well, the cutzie face didn't work, what do you want me to do? Go to the card store and look in the hundred day-anniversary section and...oh, wait a second, they don't have one of those, why, because it's stupid!
LILY
(gasps) I'll tell you what's stupid! A hundred and one days with you!
Lily turns to walk away...but turns back to get the present...and then the tip jar...
RICO
(as Lily has gone) See, this is exactly why I don't have a girlfriend. (the crowds around the beach mutter "yeah"...) Who asked you?
***
Mamaw is out on the deck, looking rather upset. Robby, Miley and Jackson are near the kitchen watching her through the door.
ROBBY
Wow. I haven't seen her this upset since that super beau sundae that grandpa used her bra as a chip and dip server.
MILEY
SOMEBODY should go talk to her. SOMEBODY with wisdom, and sensitivity...
JACKSON
(relieved gasp) That leaves me out. (starts to walk off)
ROBBY
The boy's right, 'Mile. Good luck! (starts to walk off; Miley steps in front of him)
MILEY
Me? She's your mother!
ROBBY
That woman would tan my hide, she wouldn't hit a girl.
MILEY
Fine...
Miley walks out onto the deck, Mamaw hears her approaching and rolls her eyes.
MAMAW
Not in the mood, Miley.
MILEY
How did you know it was me?
MAMAW
Because they other two don't have the guts.
MILEY
Tell me about it. Who do you think kills all the spiders around here? (Mamaw turns to Miley, cross-armed) Mamaw, we really are sorry. We thought that you would love a new car.
MAMAW
Well you thought wrong.
MILEY
But Loretta's just so old and run down.
MAMAW
Maybe to you. (they sit down on a bench) To me that old girl is like part of the family. When I get into that car I still smell your grandpa's hair tonic. And I can still here your daddy screaming "don't leave me" when I shoved him out the door on his first day of kindergarten. That car is like half of my life.
MILEY
I'm sorry, Mamaw, I just...just never thought of it that way.
MAMAW
Well there's the problem, none of you thought. So, if you will excuse me, I am going to go take a little walk by the ocean. Unless you American's thought it was too old and replaced it with that mineral water that tastes like you washed an orange in it.
Mamaw gets up and walks off.
***
Robby is outside on the driveway by Mamaw's new car, pacing around as he talks on his mobile. Miley and Jackson are also standing by the car.
ROBBY
Yeah, I understand. Thank you very much. (hangs up the conversation)
JACKSON
So, are they going to take the car back or will me somebody me have to keep it...me.
ROBBY
Sorry, you, they said they'd take it back, you, so somebody's out of luck...you.
MILEY
So, argh, great...we just 'gotta go down and get Loretta back.
ROBBY
I'd love to, but the problem is they've already sold Loretta to the junk yard.
MILEY
So, we go buy her back, I wouldn't call that a problem.
***
At the junk yard, Miley, Jackson and Robby watch as Loretta is lowered to ground level, having been crushed!
JERRY
Here's your car!
MILEY
Now, this...I'd call a problem!
***
JACKSON
We don't know for sure this is Loretta.
ROBBY
There's only one way to find out.
The three of them lean in and sniff at the car.
MILEY
Yep, grandpa's hair tonic.
JACKSON
And one of Mamaw's half-eaten butterscotch candies. (turns away and eats it)
ROBBY
(to Jerry) This is why we usually leave him at home.
JERRY
Ah-huh...say now, did you want this delivered or did you want to drive it out of here? (laughs) Sorry, just a little junkyard humour. Seriously, delivery is a hundred bucks.
ROBBY
Kids, there's only one thing left to do. (walks over to them) You and I are going camping, Miley – you call us when she leaves.
MILEY
Thank you, chicken...and chicken bi-products. You know, there's 'gotta be an intelligent, logical solution. (to Jerry) Oh, I got it – how about we pour some water on it, 'til it pops up. You know, like one of those cute little spongy dinosaur thingies...glug, glug, glug...bosh!
JERRY
(to Robby) Let me get this straight. You generally leave him at home, but you bring her?
ROBBY
Welcome to my world.
JACKSON
Just face it Miles, it's over. Alright, it's not like time you went to Washington and I forgot to feed your goldfish, so I replaced it with a look alike and you never knew.
MILEY
(angry) You flushed Scaly Joe Osment?
JERRY
Hey, hey...now if you folks are looking to replace this car, I've got one in the back, looks just like her. (shows an image of a similar-looking car on his phone)
MILEY
Hey dad, that does look like Loretta.
ROBBY
I don't know, something about it just doesn't feel right.
MILEY
(impersonation of Mamaw) Well, there he is, Robby Stewart, the porky son who broke his mama's heart!
ROBBY
(to Jerry) We'll take it.
***
Oliver is leaning on the counter and Rico's, looking depressed. Rico comes over, and opens the money tilt, shrieking when he finds it empty.
RICO
Well, where's the money? There's no money in here!
OLIVER
Aargh, it's been a slow day.
RICO
What are you talking about, the beach is packed. What could possibly be keeping the people away?
Another young boy approaches Oliver at the counter.
BOY #2
Excuse me, mister.
OLIVER
(angrily) What do you want?
BOY #2
A hot dog.
OLIVER
Why?
BOY #2
I love hot dogs.
OLIVER
Well, doesn't matter what you love, because sooner or later your precious little hot dog's 'gonna turn on you 'cause you forgot its stupid hundred-day anniversary!
BOY #2
OK...I'll have nachos.
OLIVER
They hate you too! Live with it!
BOY #2
What a freak. (walks off)
RICO
What are you doing? I heard change in his pocket, change that should've been mine! (shaking Oliver) Snap out of it! I want Mr Happy back!
OLIVER
OK, you know what...Mr Happy doesn't live in here anymore. (points at his heart) I quit.
Oliver walks out.
RICO
You can't quit! You need to get back here and get happy!
OLIVER
Rico, what's the point?
RICO
(jumps the counter and follows after Oliver) What's the point? Money! Well what other point is there? (Oliver pats him on the back and walks off towards the beach) Oh, OK, fine! Go! I don't need you. I can be Mr Happy.
The crowd around the beach mutter "yeah right".
RICO
Again, who asked you!
***
Back at the junkyard, Miley, Jackson, Robby and Jerry are looking at the supposed look alike of Loretta.
JACKSON
This is in way better shape than Loretta!
MILEY
Yeah, what kind of junk dealer are you?
JERRY
Honey, I'm sorry, it's the worst I can do! Hollywood...the longer I'm here, the weirder it gets.
ROBBY
Hey, you know what kids, it's alright. A few dints, some scrapes, some scratches...forty years of assorted smells and we'll be able to give the old raddle trap back to the old raddle trap. (Miley and Jackson give him a look) She called me fat!
JACKSON
But what about Mamaw's seat covers, and her fluffy steering wheel thingy, and all the other stuff?
JERRY
Oh, no, I took that all out before I crushed her. Got it right here. (grabs a bucket up from the ground)
ROBBY
You are a lifesaver!
JERRY
I just like to make people happy. That'll be fifty bucks.
ROBBY
Fifty bucks, who's that making happy?
JERRY
Me!
ROBBY
Come on man, we need this stuff!
JERRY
Sorry, I did not know that...let's call it a hundred.
MILEY
(to Robby) Way to haggle, porky.
***
Robby is slamming a hammer down onto the front bonnet of the car, as Jackson comes over with a broken police car door. Robby sits on the bonnet.
ROBBY
Aargh, there. Now it looks just like the time I snuck out after curfew and fell all the way from the second-floor window. Landed right on the kiester. Ever since then, this cheek's been just a little flatter than the other one.
JACKSON
Wait, so you...you snuck out after curfew?
ROBBY
Did I say snuck out? I meant, I was painting the side of the house. (jumps off the bonnet)
JACKSON
Well, urgh...I heard a rumour that Miley might be painting the side of the house Saturday night. I'm just saying. Now, to take care of that time Mamaw got a little to close to the town police car. (scrapes the door along the side)
ROBBY
Nice!
Miley comes walking over, carrying a green bag and is wearing yellow gloves.
MILEY
OK, I think I got everything that we need. I've got...(gets in the car)...grandpa's hair tonic...(squirts some around the back seat)...and, ketchup for in between the seats...(squirts some on the back seat)...now, mix it all together...there we go. (rubs it in together) And, argh...just a little orange soda for "stickying" up the dash.
ROBBY
You know, this is coming together a whole lot better than I thought it would.
JACKSON
Oh, you know...there's something missing.
ROBBY
(sniffs) You're right...it's the subtle hint of cat pee in the back seat.
MILEY
I'm way ahead of you, daddy.
Miley goes over a seat and grabs off a cat, who has been sipping at a bowl of milk.
MILEY
Say hello to Bert. And just FYI, that's his second bowl of milk, so he should be ready to spring a leak any minute.
Miley places the cat on the back seat.
JACKSON
Oh, yeah, that's brilliant...he's not doing anything!
MILEY
Well, maybe he just needs a little encouragement. Go Bert, go! Go Bert, go! Go Bert, go! (Jackson joins in) Go Bert, go! Go Bert, go! GO BERT!
ROBBY
You know how I'm always complaining the three of us don't do enough stuff together? (pause) I'm done with that.
***
Lily comes running over to Rico, who is sitting at the counter of his shack.
LILY
Rico, Rico, have you seen Oliver? Or should I say, the most wonderful, beautiful, sensitive guy in the whole world!
RICO
Oh, what happened? I thought you never wanted to see him again.
LILY
Oh, that was before he wrote me this...(hands Rico a piece of paper)...
RICO
(reading the poem) Lily, my soul, my life, my love...my angel sent from Heaven above...without you near, my heart is broken...best regards, Oliver Oiken. (wipes underneath his eye) Who knew he was so deep!
LILY
(taking back the poem) I know! (Oliver comes walking down)
RICO
There, he is! Run, child, RUN!
Lily runs into Oliver's hands.
LILY
Oh, Oliver, I'm so sorry!
OLIVER
You are?
LILY
Yes, yes, and I forgive you.
OLIVER
You do?
LILY
Yes, and I love your poem!
OLIVER
My poem? (Lily hugs him again)
RICO
Yes, argh...the beautiful poem you wrote her expressing your love.
Through mime, Rico relays to Oliver that he is the one who wrote it. Lily releases herself.
LILY
I'm so happy!
OLIVER
Well I'm happy too!
Rico steps in between them
RICO
Yeah, we are all happy! Happy, happy, happy...now get back to work!
OLIVER
OK...(jumps the counter and Lily leans over to him)
LILY
Oh, I'll miss you Ollie-pop!
OLIVER
I'll miss you too, Lily-pop!
They make indistinct "loveable" comments at each other, Rico starts to mock them.
RICO
Another reason I don't have a girlfriend!
Again, the crowds surrounding murmur "yeah, right"...
RICO
Oh, get a life, people!
***
Miley, Jackson and Robby are out on the driveway with the "new" Loretta, calling for Mamaw.
MILEY
Mamaw!
JACKSON
Come on Mamaw, come on out!
MILEY
Come here!
MAMAW
(walking out) What in tar-nation is all the noise? Loretta, you're back! (leans along the car and sniffs it) Wow. Oh, I missed you.
ROBBY
Sorry we tried to separate you two.
MAMAW
Oh, you were just doing what you thought was right. Even though you were "wronger" than toe few bacon. I mean, really, what is the point of that stuff?
JACKSON
She looks great, doesn't she? I mean, look at that scrape...if that doesn't say Loretta, I don't know what does.
ROBBY
Jackson.
JACKSON
Look, all I'm saying is, you can't duplicate a scratch like that! It'd take a genius.
MILEY
Yep, and we don't have any of those here, so argh...how about we go inside and have a good laugh about it, I'll start...(anxious laugh, ushering Jackson away) Walk!
MAMAW
Go on ahead, son, I just want to have a moment with my girl here.
ROBBY
Take all the time you need.
JACKSON
Check out the dent!
MILEY
Let's go!
Miley tugs Jackson at the ear, and she follows him and Robby inside. She goes back outside to find Mamaw in the front seat. She watches her for a moment or so.
MILEY
You know, don't you?
MAMAW
Of course I do.
MILEY
I really am sorry, Mamaw. We tried to get her back, it was just...we were too late.
MAMAW
It's OK. Get on in here.
Miley comes and sits beside Mamaw in the front seat.
MILEY
Are you sure you're not mad?
MAMAW
How can I be mad at a family that loves me so much that they would go to all this trouble to help me hold onto something that I should've gotten rid of when I tossed my spandex disco pants?
MILEY
I wish I could've seen those.
MAMAW
Yeah, you do...I was foxy!
MILEY
But, what about all your memories?
MAMAW
I still have those. And now, thanks to you all, I now have another one. (hugs Miley, and starts to cry a little) Oh, sweetie...you're not crying, are you?
MILEY
No, it's just...that cat did a good job.
She blocks her nose with her finger, and leans back on Mamaw.
***
Mamaw is the new car, and Jackson, Miley and Robby are standing at the driveway to see her go.
ROBBY
Thanks for changing your mind about the car, mom. I'm gonna' feel a whole lot better knowing you're travelling in this.
JACKSON
And we really are sorry about Loretta.
MAMAW
Oh, I know you are, and don't you fret on that, I will always have her in my heart.
MILEY
We'll miss you, Mamaw.
MAMAW
I'll miss you too, babies. Well, I guess I better hit the road. (turns on the engine)
ROBBY
Hey, you don't have to worry about directions, I've already programmed a GPS, you won't need a map the whole way there.
MAMAW
Oh! (laughs) OK, bye...
GPS (V/O)
In fifty feet, turn right.
MAMAW
(starting to drive off) Well thank you, darlin'.
GPS (V/O)
In forty-five feet, turn right.
MAMAW
OK, I got it...
Robby, Miley and Jackson listen as she drives down the driveway arguing with the GPS.
GPS (V/O)
In forty feet, turn right...
MAMAW (V/O)
You gonna' do this all the way back to Tennessee?
GPS (V/O)
In thirty-five feet, turn right.
MAMAW (V/O)
Oh, shut up!
Mamaw has driven away out of sight now.
MILEY
You programmed it so she couldn't turn it off, didn't you.
ROBBY
Teach her to call me fat!
Jackson and Miley give one last wave after Mamaw.
***
Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. No infringement intended.
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