Miley is at the mirror near the stairs, practising her duck voice. Robby is in the kitchen watching with his plate of pizza.
ROBBY
Kinda' like the garbage disposal with a salad fork in it.
Robby sits down at the table. Miley walks down and joins him.
MILEY
Dang, I stink at this! I mean, the director acted all nice, but I saw that look on his face. You know? The look-the look of disappointment a-and total embarrassment. Kinda' like the look I give Jackson...well, pretty much twenty-four seven.
Miley takes Robby's plate and starts picking at his pizza slice.
ROBBY
Uh, Mile, would you like your own slice of pizza?
MILEY (as she picks the topping from the pizza)
Dad, please. I am way to upset to eat.
ROBBY (sarcastic)
I can see that.
MILEY
What am I gonna' do?
ROBBY
Well, I would say if you just keep working on it, you'll get it.
MILEY (trying to sound like a duck)
Really?
ROBBY
Like I said, you just keep working on it.
Robby gives her a pat on the shoulder and walks off. Miley starts practising again.
MILEY (to herself; trying to sound like a duck)
I'm a duck. (normal voice) I'm a duck! (lost all hope) I'm a dead duck.
Miley's mobile phone rings. She answers it.
MILEY (on the phone)
Hello?
Kyle is on the other end, speaking on his mobile from inside the animation studio. As such, the screen cuts between the two of them correspondingly as the conversation goes.
KYLE
Hey, Hannah. How you doing? It's Kyle. Um, I was calling to see how it was going with the voice?
MILEY
All of the above.
KYLE
I know exactly how you feel. I had to do the voice of a duck once, so I hired a duck coach.
MILEY
A duck coach?
KYLE
He is amazing. I'll make a call.
Miley's facial expression shows that she is considering the idea.
***
Miley is sitting on the couch looking at a white duck, posed on the couch in front of her.
MILEY (to the duck)
Kyle says you're the best in the business, so, do your stuff.
The duck quakes and flaps its wings. Miley mocks it.
MILEY
Okay, for what I'm paying you, you're gonna have to give me more than that. Go.
The duck quakes. Miley quakes. And again.
MILEY
I'm gonna be needing a discount.
***
Later on, Miley is following the duck around, flapping her hands up in the air as she waddles in some flippers. As Miley follows the duck into the kitchen, Robby comes downstairs holding a empty toilet roll.
Robby looks over and sees Miley following the duck around.
ROBBY
Uh, Mile? If this is your way of asking for a puppy, you win.
MILEY (leaning over)
Dad, I'm just trying to find my inner-duck. (walks off then turns back) And I'll take a beagle.
Miley quacks and turns away again.
ROBBY
You really think that'll work?
MILEY
It worked for Kyle. He said before you even think about doing the voice, you really gotta' study the animal. And then when you're in front of the mic, it'll just come right out of you.
Miley continues waddling after the duck.
ROBBY
As long as you clean up anything that comes out of that duck, waddle away.
Miley lies down on the floor, beside the duck, nibbling at a plate of duck food.
ROBBY
Now where's that barnyard animal I call my son?
MILEY (with a mouthful of food)
He's down at the beach.
Robby looks bizarrely at his daughter, and then turns his head up to the heavens.
Robby reaches into his pocket and gets out his mobile, ready to call Jackson.
***
Meanwhile, Jackson is chatting up a cute blonde girl as they walk down on the beach together.
JACKSON
That's right. I'm a College man.
CHELSEA
Really?
They sit down at a table together.
JACKSON
Yep. Studying at the (accented) university. That's U.N...
But Jackson's forgotten how to spell it. He rolls his eyes up, trying to remember.
JACKSON (finishing the word)
...Iversity. I'm independent, don't answer to anyone. Well, except that cute little diapered angel called Cupid. (points his finger at her) Twing.
Jackson's phone rings. He takes it out of his pocket, checks the caller ID and hangs up, putting it away again.
CHELSEA
Aren't you gonna get that?
JACKSON
No, it's just my...uh, roommate. Robby. Yeah, musician. You know the type. (waves his arm) Little flaky.
***
Robby is standing in the kitchen with the phone at his ears.
ROBBY (to himself)
First he doesn't listen to me, now he won't even pick up the phone. I'm sick of that boy ducking me.
The duck in the kitchen looks up and quacks.
MILEY (to the duck, with a mouthful)
Oh relax, he didn't mean anything by it.
Robby walks off.
***
Back over at the beach, Lilly approaches Rico, who is standing behind the counter. There's a small microphone set up on the bench.
LILLY
Hey Rico, I'll take a water.
RICO
Take a number.
Lilly walks over to a small dispenser set up against the wall.
LILLY (slight laughter)
Take a number? Since when?
RICO
Just take one.
LILLY
Fine. (pulls out a ticket and flashes it at Rico) Hey Rico, I'm number six.
Lilly walks off, just as Rico speaks into the microphone:
RICO (into the microphone)
Number six, your water is ready. Number six.
Lilly walks back over, shrugging with annoyance, as Rico places the water on the bench.
LILLY
Okay, what was the point of that?
RICO
I'm trying to class up the place. (calmly into the microphone) Number four, your veggie burger is ready. (no one walks over) Number four?
Still, no one comes over to collect their order. Rico pauses before he looses his temper:
RICO (shouting into the microphone)
Number four! Get your stinking veggie burger before I spit on it!
A girl walks over and collects her burger when Rico thumps it onto the counter. He shrugs as she walks off with it.
LILLY (sarcastic)
Oh, yeah. Yeah, much classier.
Lilly walks off. Back over at the table, Jackson is still chatting up the girl.
JACKSON
I don't really know what I'm going to do this summer. (showing off) I mean, bicycle through France? You know, maybe surf Costa Rica? It's great being my own man. Because, as I said, I answer to no one.
A familiar voice suddenly is heard roaring from behind the beach.
ROBBY (VO)
Jackson Rod Strewart!
Jackson starts to panic.
JACKSON
Cool sunglasses! Can I try them?
Jackson takes the sunglasses from the girls' hand and puts them on. Robby steps up onto the beach and looks around for Jackson.
ROBBY (calling)
Jackson?
JACKSON
And uh, maybe your hat.
Jackson takes the orange flower hat from the girls' head and puts it on.
CHELSEA
What are you doing?
JACKSON
Having fun, being my own man. (girly voice) Let's talk like girls. Come on.
Jackson leads her up away from the approaching Robby.
JACKSON (girl voice)
Oh, those shoes are so nice, where'd you get them? They're so cute.
ROBBY
Excuse me, ladies?
JACKSON (girl voice)
Not interested. Taken.
ROBBY
Uh, Jacksonina, could I have a word with you for a second please?
Jackson turns to Robby with Chelsea.
JACKSON (resumes normal voice)
Hey, Robby. Robbo. Rob-bob-bing-bang-boom-o.
Jackson stars poking Robby with a charming smile. Robby returns it with a confused glare.
JACKSON (to Chelsea)
That's my roommate. (taking her aside) Probably needs to borrow some money. Yeah, why don't you go ahead and wait over there? I don't wanna' embarrass him.
Chelsea walks back over to the table. Jackson turns to Robby.
JACKSON (under his breath)
Like he's embarrassing me!
Robby takes a seat at the counter.
ROBBY
Oh, yeah. Said the guy in floppy sunflower hat with the girly glasses.
Jackson takes the girly accessories off and places them on the counter.
JACKSON
What do you want, dad? I mean, I'm right in the middle of something important here.
ROBBY (holds up the empty toilet roll)
So was I. And now thanks to you, we're out of cotton balls. You've gotta' start answering your phone when I call you.
JACKSON
I'm sorry, dad. But at my age, it's a little embarrassing when "daddy" keeps calling. Can't you just, like, text me?
ROBBY
I don't know how to do all that texting, and tweeting, and Your Face, and My Face, and all that stuff.
Rico, behind the counter, starts listening in on the conversation.
JACKSON
Then can't you just learn? I mean, I-I don't need you calling me to rag on me whenever I forget to replace the toilet paper, or I don't make my bed, or I...
Rico puts the microphone in front of Jackson and his voice is projected so the whole beach can hear.
JACKSON (CONT'D)
...Don't take my dinosaur vitamin.
The groups on the beach laugh at Jackson. Embarrassed, he takes the microphone of his own accord, trying to justify what he has just said.
JACKSON (through microphone)
Uh, they're chewable, and have one-percent real fruit juice, so...
As Jackson puts the microphone down, Chelsea walks over.
CHELSEA
I'm sorry. I usually get paid for babysitting.
She grabs her hat and sunglasses from the counter before walking off. Jackson goes to follow her, but stops in his tracks when he is unable to think of the words. Jackson's phone beeps – he's just received a text message. He reaches into his pocket and reads it out.
JACKSON (reading the text message)
Replace the dang T.P, smiley-face, smiley-face.
Jackson looks over at the counter, where Rico is showing Robby how to send a text message.
RICO
I taught him how to do the smiley face.
Rico laughs. Jackson smirks with annoyance.
***
Kyle is sitting in the recording studio rehearsing.
KYLE (goat voice)
I may be an old goat, but I don't feel...
Hannah enters the booth in a giant suck suit, flapping her arms up and down as she quacks.
HANNAH
Quack! Quack!
KYLE (surprised)
Whoa.
HANNAH
Quack! Quack! Quack!
Kyle approaches Hannah.
KYLE
Wow. When you commit to something, you don't mess around.
HANNAH
Yeah, well anything to get this voice right. It's just...(coldly)...uh, I didn't know this was going to give me such a nasty feather wedgie.
Hannah does what she has to do. Baz walks in carrying a folder.
BAZ
Sorry I'm late everybody, the whole lobby's talking about some whacky girl dressed in a (spots Hannah in her duck suit and changes the subject) H-hey! There she is. Hannah.
HANNAH
Yeah, well this is the kind of commitment you get when you hire Hannah Montana. Just you wait, Triple B. Wait till you hear that duck voice explode out of me.
BAZ
You know what? I'm excited. I love it. Let's do it, let's quack and roll. Okay.
The three of them go to their respective seats.
BAZ
Kyle, why don't you kick us off from the goat? And, go.
KYLE (goat voice)
She's trying to earn some power? Tell her to clean out my stall!
HANNAH (normal voice)
You can do it, Dinah! You can...(realizes she is speaking in a normal voice)...oh, boy.
BAZ
I'm sorry. Mmmmmm. Isn't that the same voice?
HANNAH
Well, yes. But see, uh, I just wanna' show you how-how far I've come. So just wait. This voice is about to explode right out of me. Right now. Here we go!
Hannah clears her throat.
HANNAH (sing-song voice; as if singing a musical scale)
Quack-quack-quack-quack. Whoaaaa!
Hannah gets ready for her big performance –
HANNAH (normal voice still)
You can do it, Dinah! (pause, realizes she is speaking in her normal voice) You can fly! ...(looks down) Oh, cheese and quackers.
Baz jumps up from his seat.
BAZ
Okay, I'm thinking. And this is just out-loud. (to Hannah) You need a little more practice.
HANNAH
And I'm thinking that you need a different duck. I just think it would be better for everyone if I just quit.
Hannah goes for the door.
BAZ (panics)
Okay. Whoa-whoa-whoa. H-H-Hannah, honey, hold on. Hold on. Let's just think about this.
HANNAH (interrupting)
There's nothing to think about. You obviously need someone who can walk the walk. Or, you know, waddle-the-waddle. And, I'm just not your girl. So please let me leave here while I still have my dignity.
Hannah heads out, grunting as she reaches to her behinds and detangles herself from a wedgie.
***
Lilly is sitting beside Miley at the piano.
MILEY
Why couldn't I do it? I've never quit anything before. I can't believe this! I've never been this bad at anything.
Lilly puts a comforting arm around Miley's shoulder.
LILLY
Oh, come on. Of course you have. I mean, remember soccer? And volleyball? And...oh, they're still talking about that time you got stuck climbing the rope at gym class. (mocking Miley's screams) Somebody call the fire department! Somebody call the fire department!
MILEY
It was scary.
LILLY (shows the length with her finger)
You were this far off the ground.
MILEY
And you came to comfort me. Now, please do your job.
Lilly places her arm around Miley's shoulder again. Miley leans on Lilly's shoulder.
LILLY (soothing voice)
Poor Miley.
MILEY
Better.
On top of the piano, Miley's mobile beeps – she's just received a text message. She takes the phone and reads it.
MILEY (after reading the message)
When did dad learn to text? (about her dad's message) How go d duck? Bet you great?!
Robby walks in through the front door with a smile on his face.
ROBBY
Hey. Did you get my text? Did you see how I spelled great? G, R, number eight!
Miley and Lilly exchange a glance. That's old news.
ROBBY
Did you know you could do that? It works with other words, too. Like fascinate. Exfoliate.
MILEY
Irritate.
ROBBY
Well, WYPB.
Lilly and Miley look confused.
ROBBY
That's: what's your prob, Bob? I added the Bob part.
LILLY
I like that.
ROBBY (walking past)
Whoa! T-Y, Lilly!
LILLY
Yeah!
Robby gives Lilly a high five in passing for upstairs.
ROBBY
That's thank you.
MILEY (seriously)
Daddy, I quit the movie.
Miley jumps and heads out to the deck.
ROBBY (after Miley)
What?
Robby follows Miley outside.
ROBBY
You quit?
MILEY
I had to! I was horrible.
Robby sits down opposite Miley.
ROBBY
Well, at least you can look yourself in the mirror and know that you gave it your very best shot.
MILEY
Yes I can.
ROBBY
You must've worked on that thing for, like, a whole twenty-four hours.
Robby takes out a pencil and starts putting down some calculations on a piece of a paper.
ROBBY
Uh, minus the trip to the mall...meals...sleep...(doing a sum), carry the one...(looks up at Miley) You slaved over that voice for an hour and twenty-eight minutes. I'm exhausted just adding it up.
Lilly calls from inside.
LILLY (VO)
You forgot the Saturday stach-wax!
ROBBY
Oh, thank you! (after putting something down on the paper again) Well, that takes it down to a good fifty-five-fifty-six minutes you put into it.
MILEY
Daddy, please. I don't need this right now.
ROBBY
Hey, fine. I'm not gonna' sit here and rattle off some big speech or anything.
He turns around and unbeknownst to Miley, takes out his mobile and starts texting.
MILEY
Thank you.
Seconds later, Miley's mobile beeps – she's got another text. She reads it and waves the phone in Robby's face.
MILEY
Oh, yeah. So much for not giving me a big speech. (reads the message and speaks in a guilty voice) But you're right. I didn't give it my best shot.
Miley's phone receives another message. She reads it quickly.
MILEY (guiltily)
And I really should ask for a second chance.
ROBBY (as he texts)
Good. Number four. Letter U.
MILEY (after receiving the message)
Dad, I'm right here.
ROBBY
Oh, come on, but it's just so dang much fun!
They both look down at their phones.
***
At school, the bell goes as Miley and Lilly come out of class into the corridor together. Miley is holding a raisin box.
MILEY
What about this voice? (projecting through the raisin box) You can do it, Dinah! You can...
Before Miley can finish her sentence, she removes the box from against her lip as she takes a deep breath – something just flew down her throat.
MILEY
Raisin.
Miley coughs. The principal comes walking along with a cup of coffee. He has a cold, and sounds like a duck himself.
PRINCIPAL
Why can't the principal stay home sick? Urgh, my head is more stuffed than the original (???). There were six of them, you know?
Miley finally spits out what she has been coughing on – and the raisin goes flying straight into the principal's coffee. He goes to drink it, none the wiser.
LILLY
Walk away, walk away, walk away!
Miley and Lilly vanish down the hallway.
***
Miley and Lilly are standing beside the water bubbler in the cafeteria.
MILEY
Okay, what do you think about this?
Miley leans over and fills her mouth with water. She steps back and gargles as she speaks.
MILEY (gargling)
You can do it, Dinah! You can fly!
The principal is walking past again. The water comes spraying out of Miley's mouth and right onto the principal. Lilly gasps.
LILLY
Walk away! Walk away! Walk away!
Before he can turn around, Miley and Lilly run off in the opposite direction. When the girls are gone, he feels behind his head and realizes he is wet.
PRINCIPAL
Oh no, I'm getting clammy. This can't be good. This can't be good.
He walks of clutching his head.
***
Miley and Lilly are standing in the locker hallway, at Miley's locker.
MILEY
Why can't I do this? (to the heavens) Please help me. Send me a sign.
A student comes running down the hallway past Miley and Lilly, followed by an angry principal, struggling to compete with his cold.
PRINCIPAL (calling after the student)
How many times must I tell you no running in the hall?
The principal blows his nose. Miley realizes this is all she has to do to sound like a duck.
MILEY (to the heavens)
Thank you!
The principal looks at what he has blown onto his handkerchief.
PRINCIPAL
Ah!
Miley walks over and starts mocking him.
MILEY
Ah!
PRINCIPAL
Ah?
MILEY
Ah!
PRINCIPAL
Oh!
MILEY
Oh?
PRINCIPAL
Ah!
MILEY
Ah!
PRINCIPAL
Are you making fun of me?
MILEY (mocking the principals' voice)
Are you making fun of me?
PRINCIPAL
You are making fun of me!
MILEY
You are making fun of me!
Lilly rushes to Miley's side.
LILLY (to the principal)
Uh, she had the mystery meat for lunch and, uh, hasn't been quite right since. Huh! (leading Miley away) Walk away, walk away, walk away.
As Lilly pushes Miley down the corridor, Miley looks back at the principal.
***
Jackson walks down onto the beach beside yet another cute girl. Déjà vu.
JACKSON
That's right. I'm a College man.
ANDREA
Really?
JACKSON
Yep.
They walk over to a table and sit down.
JACKSON
Studying at the (accented) university. That's U, N, I, V...(pause; he's forgotten how to spell again)...ersity!
***
Back home in the kitchen, Robby is standing at the fridge texting Jackson.
ROBBY (as he texts)
Jackson, when letter R letter U home?
He closes his phone and opens the fridge.
***
Back at the beach, Jackson's phone beeps in his pocket – he's received a message.
JACKSON (taking his phone out)
Um, excuse me, I'm...getting another text.
Jackson turns away and texts back. He turns to Andrea.
***
Robby is looking through the fridge when his phone beeps. He reads Jackson's message and replies:
ROBBY (as he texts)
Perfect. Pick up some eggs.
***
Jackson is chatting up Andrea.
JACKSON (about himself)
Independent, don't answer to --
Before he can finish, his phone beeps again.
JACKSON (annoyed at the timing)
--- Anyone. Just hold that thought.
Jackson takes his phone from the table and turns away.
JACKSON (as he texts)
K.
He slides his phone down and puts it back on the table.
***
Back at home, Robby is just receiving Jackson's reply.
ROBBY (as he texts a response)
Plus some grated cheese.
***
Jackson's phone beeps again. He smiles at the girl and turns back with his phone to reply.
JACKSON (as he texts)
You hate grated cheese.
He slides his phone back down.
***
Robby gets Jackson's message and starts replying.
ROBBY (as he texts)
But I like to type grated cheese.
***
Jackson gets another message. He gets his phone again, violently this time, grunting with frustration as he turns away.
ANDREA
You are so not worth this.
Andrea gets up and walks away. Jackson stands up and calls after her.
JACKSON (calling after)
N-no, come on! I just...(he gets another message and reads it)...ENOUGH ALREADY!
Jackson dials in his dad's number and raises the mobile to his ears. Robby answers on the other end. As such, the conversation view changes to and from correspondingly.
ROBBY (answering the phone)
Y'hello?
JACKSON
You are out of control, mister! (slants the phone and then raises it to his ears again) Look, this morning you texted me "going running". Then it was "I am texting, plus I'm running". Then it was "I fell down". Then it was "Don't worry, I am smiley face". (pointing at his face) Well this is not a smiley face!
On the other end, Robby shakes his head.
JACKSON
I'm pointing at my face! Look, dad, I promise, from now on, I'll answer your phone calls. Just stop texting me! I've learned my lesson.
Jackson hangs up. It cuts completely to Robby in the kitchen.
ROBBY (to himself)
Now why does that boy always think I'm trying to teach him a lesson? I just like texting.
Robby gets his phone back up and starts texting.
ROBBY (as he texts)
Hi mom, how are you? I like gr-at-ed cheese.
He walks off.
***
At the animation studio, Hannah, Kyle and Baz are all at their respective seats again. Hannah is reading her line. And, no, she's not dressed as a duck. Nor does she sound like one.
HANNAH (TRYING to sound like a duck)
You can do it, Dinah! You can fly! You can fly! (flapping her arms) Look at me! I'm flying! I'm flying! (normal voice) And, see.
BAZ
Whoa! Yes, yes, yes! A million times better!
Baz walks over clapping, and knuckles Hannah.
HANNAH
Thank you. I knew if I tried my best I could do it.
BAZ
And you did. Unfortunately, your best – still not good.
Hannah follows Baz to the corner.
HANNAH
Wait, what? I thought you said that I was a million times better.
BAZ
True, true, true, true. But, from where you started, a million times better is still (takes a deep breath), how do I say this? Eehhh.
KYLE (unsure what to say)
Well, I...um...
Kyle turns his face the opposite away and does an impersonation of his mother's voice.
KYLE (pretending to be someone else)
Kyle, mom wants you out here right now! (turns back with a normal voice) Sorry, gotta' go. (heading for the door) Mom, coming!
Kyle leaves.
BAZ
Okay, so, Hannah. Again, real joy working with you. And of course, I say that with a whole lot of...
HANNAH (interrupting)
Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. This is not the way that it's supposed to happen. See, at first I think I'm good, then I find out from you I'm bad. Then I try to give up, listen to my daddy's advice and work really-really hard, knock it out of the park, and then I thank you at the academy awards.
BAZ
Is your park in the structure?
HANNAH
Yeah.
BAZ
Okay. (???)'s gonna validate you on the way out.
HANNAH
You know what? You may think that I'm walking out of here a loser, but I'm not. I am the winner, because I tried my best. And that's all you can do in this crazy, mixed up world. And you know what? Maybe I didn't get this shot, but I'll get the next one. And if I don't, I'll get the next one after that. Because Hannah Montana does not quit! Good day, Triple B.
Hannah storms out of the room, only to desperately re-enter seconds later.
HANNAH (walking back in)
Oh, come on! Seriously. This is where you hear my heartfelt speech, give me another chance (as if trying to tantalise) then I thank you at the academy awards.
BAZ
Wow, yes. You know what? That's great. And this is when I say (pointing out) they lock the structure at five.
HANNAH (pretending to be upset)
I just wanna make kids laugh.
BAZ (calling)
Okay, can I get security?
HANNAH
I'm going to park!
BAZ
Okay.
Hannah races out.
***
Lilly approaches Rico, who is standing behind the counter at the beach.
LILLY
Hey Rico, I'll take a fruit smoothie.
RICO
All right. (handing Lilly a buzzer) You'll feel this buzzing when it's ready.
LILLY (looking at the device)
Is this one of those pagers that vibrates? What happened to the microphone?
RICO
That didn't work. I'd call people, they'd ignore me. I'd yell and it would ruin the (???) quality of the Rico's dining experience. This is much more affective.
LILLY (whispering in disbelief)
Okay.
As she walks away, Rico hits his hand down on the tuner and the buzzer in Lilly's pocket goes mad with vibration. Lilly jigs around as a result. She gets it out of her pocket and it goes flying. Rico laughs.
LILLY (pointing after the buzzer)
That's a little strong, don't you think?
RICO (dark)
I'd like to see them ignore me now.
Rico violently hits down on the tuner and another girl gets up from her seat and starts dancing around as a result of the vibrating buzzer. She is followed by the boy beside her, followed by the other half of the beach.
RICO (as he hits the buttons, watching everyone dance)
Dance, monkey's, dance! Mwahahahahahahaha!
He continues to hit the buttons and watch his customers dance.
***
Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. No infringement intended.
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