Lilly is standing in an empty sandwich shop in her uniform, listening to a briefing from her new boss.
DWIGHT
Okay, Lilly. You're ready for your first day?
LILLY
Aye-aye, captain! (salutes) Full speed ahead. (pause) Like a submarine. (pause again) 'Cause we're in a sub-shop. (Dwight stares at her blankly) My sandwiches are better than my jokes.
DWIGHT
Good. 'Cause you're my first hire as assistant manager, and if you look good, then I look good. And if you don't look good...(turning away) Don't go there, Dwight. Don't go there.
As Lilly goes behind the counter, Dwight goes to the entrance door and turns the sign from closed to open. He opens the door when Miley, the first customer, comes racing over with her mouth wide open.
DWIGHT
Well someone looks hungry!
MILEY
Well I wasn't. But then, I saw that girl over there (pointing at Lilly) and I said to myself: "Self, you want a sandwich. Made by her".
By time Miley makes her way to the front of the counter, Dwight is standing beside Lilly.
DWIGHT
Well I only hire the best. (aside to Lilly) Show time.
LILLY (to Miley)
Hello, and uh, welcome to the Smiling Sub where every order comes with chuckling chips and a large giddy gulp.
DWIGHT (excited)
Nice! (to Miley) Enjoy your meal. (aside to Lilly) Don't blow it. (to himself as he walks to the back room) She'll be fine. She'll be fine.
Dwight closes the door to his office as she steps in. Miley gets out her phone and readies it to take a picture of Lilly.
MILEY
Oh my gosh, you look so cute. Here, say ham and cheese.
LILLY
Ham and cheese!
Miley snaps a photo and smiles at the resulting image.
LILLY
And after a few pay cheques and some generous tips (taps the tip jar) wink, wink – you can take one of me and Oliver buying our brand new used car! Woo-whoo!
MILEY
Whoo!
LILLY
Woo-hoo! Now, what can I get you, Miss?
MILEY
I'll have a foot-long toasted with roast-beef, turkey and provolone, provolone on top, mustard and mayo on the bottom, three shakes salt, half-a-shake pepper, and some oil and vinegar on the meat, but not on the bun. I hate it when it gets soggy.
Lilly has struggled to follow all of this.
LILLY
What part of my first day did you not get?
MILEY
I'll take ham and cheese.
LILLY
Coming right up!
Lilly gets the bread and cuts it in half as she speaks.
LILLY (as she cuts)
One ham and cheese coming--
Lilly looks at the two halves she has cut. They're not even.
LILLY
Oh, oh, no, wait. That's not even.
Lilly dismisses the two halves away to the side and starts cutting the next.
LILLY
All right, let's see. Okay. (looking at the new-cuts) Closer, but not good enough.
She dismisses the second cut. Another man walks into the shop.
MILEY
It doesn't have to be perfect.
LILLY (as she cuts for the third time)
You know what? You are absolutely right. (holding up her cuts) But this one is. (starts comparing the cuts) Oh, oh wait. Hang on.
Lilly rubs some excess crumbs from the top. The man that has just entered is standing behind Miley now.
LILLY
Okay, perfect. (as she puts the food on) Now, two slices of ham. One, two--oh, hang on, it's hanging over.
Two other people have now entered the shop.
CUSTOMER
Is there anyone else that can help me?
LILLY
Oh, I'll be right with you.
Lilly slowly cuts the ham on Miley's roll.
MILEY
Oh, come on, just shove the ham in there.
LILLY (pointing at the picture of a sub on the wall)
Uh, it's not like that in the picture. (looking at the bun) You know, I'm thinking this may be a defective bun.
CUSTOMER
Come on!
MILEY
Hey, back off. It's her first day. (turns back to Lilly) Just shove the ham in!
LILLY
Fine! Okay, two slices of cheese...
Lilly reaches down into the cabinet and grabs out two slices of cheese which are stuck together at the sides.
LILLY (tutting)
Oh, now that is not right.
Lilly chucks the defective cheese.
CUSTOMER (loosing his patience)
My break's almost over. Come on, let's go!
The now formed line of customers start complaining. This attracts the attention of Dwight, who comes out from his office.
DWIGHT
What's going on out here?
CUSTOMER
She's taking forever.
MILEY
Hey, I told you to back off.
LILLY
You know, I can handle this, thank you.
DWIGHT
You know, she'll be right with you. (to Lilly) Just make the sandwich!
LILLY
Okay, fine! I mean, you're the boss...who cares what it looks like? Forget about quality. (she starts slapping on the ingredients) Forget about pride in your work. Just mash it together!
Lilly violently 'mashes' all the salads onto the bun leaving mess all around her work area. She hysterically places the untidy finished bun on the counter for Miley.
LILLY (hysterical)
There! There's my first sandwich! Take a picture of that!
MILEY
Thank you.
Miley picks up the sandwich and goes to eat it. Lilly tugs at it.
LILLY
N-no, it's hideous!
A game of tug of war ensues between Miley and Lilly for the sandwich.
DWIGHT
Don't wrestle with the customers!
LILLY
Give back the sandwich!
Miley finally releases, but the sandwich goes flying and lands on Dwight's head. The bun opens and the salads fall all over him. Lilly and Miley stare at Dwight.
DWIGHT
...And your last.
LILLY (upset)
I was saving up for a car.
DWIGHT
Fine.
Dwight reaches over to the counter and offers Lilly the tip jar.
DWIGHT
You can keep your tips.
Lilly takes the jar and sorrowfully walks off. Miley steps in front of her, and with a cheesy grin, drops a coin into the jar. Lilly gives her a deathly stare and continues out. Miley looks confused.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Robby is in the kitchen at the Stewart's house making a sandwich. Miley and Lilly walk in via the front door – Lilly is clutching the tip jar tight, looking pretty down in the dumps.
ROBBY
Hey girls. Lilly, how was your first day on the job?
Lilly starts crying. Miley indicates for Robby to zip it up.
ROBBY
I mean, uh -- I hear you and Oliver are saving up to buy a new car.
Lilly starts crying even more sadly this time. Miley gestures for Robby to get the heck out of there and stop commenting.
ROBBY
Okay, who wants ham and cheese?
He just can't get it right. Lilly sits down on the couch, crying. Miley hits her head with her hands before sitting down and putting an arm around Lilly.
MILEY
I'm sorry, honey. He came with the house. Don't worry. We'll get you another job.
LILLY
I applied for a thirty before I got this one. And the only reason I got it was because dumb boss had a grandmother named Lilly and I totally used it. (impersonating an old woman) Oh land sakes alive, aren't you adorable? Here's my application.
A deep male voice is heard shouting from upstairs.
CHET (VO)
Oh my eyes!
LILLY
What was that?
MILEY
I think the new housekeeper just found Jackson's room.
A man in his 30's comes downstairs.
CHET
The horror! (takes off his apron) The horror!
He runs to the front door. Robby follows.
ROBBY
Oh come on, buddy. You were a navy Seal. You ain't gonna let a little dirt scare you off, are you?
CHET
I took out my own appendix, with a wet wipe, dental floss, and a rusty spoon. And I never shed a tear. But that room...I gotta sleep with the lights on at night!
He chucks the apron on Robby's shoulder and runs out the door.
ROBBY
That's it. Another brave one bights the dust. This ends now.
***
Upstairs, Jackson is standing in the middle of his messy room eating a banana and scratching his head.
JACKSON (his mouthful of food)
There you are!
Jackson reaches down to the floor and pulls on some floppy jeans, holding his banana in his mouth.. Robby comes in.
ROBBY
Oh, sweet filthy-flippin' niblets, son! All we need is a tyre on a swing and I could sell tickets to see the Malibu-Monkey Boy! Now listen, you're in college now. It's time to start thinking, acting and living like an adult.
Jackson stares into thin air. Robby waves his arm in front of Jackson.
ROBBY
Jackson?
Jackson snaps to attention, taking the banana out of his mouth.
JACKSON
Sorry dad. I was just thinking about how cool it would be if I really were half-man and half-monkey. I mean, check it out.
Jackson clears some things off his bed before sitting down.
JACKSON
I'd have a driver's license, and I'd be able to drive with my feet!
Jackson leans back and waves his feet around in the air.
JACKSON (pretending to be driving)
Hey, you! Get out of the way! (makes a beeping noise to impersonate a car horn)
ROBBY (his head to the heavens)
Oh, you just love to test me, don't you, big guy?
Robby walks out. Jackson follows him, hopping around like a monkey with the banana sticking out of his mouth.
***
Jackson follows Robby downstairs into the main room. Lilly and Miley are still on the couch.
JACKSON
Come on, dad! We'll find another housekeeper.
ROBBY
Son, that's the fifth one that's run screaming out of the house this year. You think it's so easy? You find one.
LILLY (holding up a hand)
I'll do it!
ROBBY/JACKSON/MILEY
Whaaaa?
JACKSON
Great! You're hired. (to Robby) You're welcome. (in passing to Miley) And you're ugly.
Jackson sits down on the couch with his banana.
MILEY (to Jackson)
Dummy say what?
JACKSON
What?
MILEY
Hah, dummy. (to Lilly) Are you sure you want to be a housekeeper?
LILLY
Well, it's not my first choice. But if Oliver and I are going to buy a car, I need a job.
ROBBY
But Lilly, won't it be a little strange cleaning up after us?
LILLY
Why not? I mean, I'm here all the time anyway. I mean, I know where everything goes.
MILEY
It's true. And dad, let's face it. (stands up and takes a magazine from the coffee table) I mean, she's the only housekeeper that we're gonna find that's already immune to Jackson stink? (fans the magazine around Jackson, who raises his arms) See? Her eyes don't even water anymore.
Robby is shielding his eyes.
ROBBY
Honey, please don't start up.
Miley chucks the magazine back down on the table.
MILEY
So are you cool with it?
ROBBY
Oh honey, if it gets the sting out of my eye, she can have your grandmother's wedding ring.
Lilly jumps up, excited.
***
Down at the beach, Oliver is pacing around holding a newspaper with his mobile raises to his ears.
OLIVER (on the phone)
Yeah, but I really need this job. No, you see, me and my girlfriend are trying to buy a car together, and...okay, well can you put me on the waiting list? Oh, fantastic. Okay, thank you.
Oliver hangs up the conversation and sits down at Rico's. Rico is behind the counter.
RICO
How's the job search going?
OLIVER
Great. I mean, if thirty-two people ahead of me all win the lottery, you're looking at the new scooper-trainee at Yippe-Yummy Yoghurt.
RICO
Don't worry, buddy. Just keep your eyes open. You never know when a job will just pop up.
Rico smacks a sign down on the counter that reads: NEW JACKSON WANTED.
RICO
Oh! Excuse me while I move my New Jackson Wanted sign to where some lucky potential employee might see it.
Rico puts the sign right in front of Oliver. Oliver turns around and looks at the beach, before turning back and looking at Rico, who's flashing the sign with hand gestures.
OLIVER
Oh, I'm not working for you.
RICO
Why not?
OLIVER
For the same reason no one wants to work for you ever since Jackson quit for college. Rico, you're a horrible person.
RICO (seemingly offended)
That is so not true!
A young boy comes over to the counter.
BOY
Excuse me? I only have ninety-nine cents. But, could I get a dollar bottle of water?
RICO
Who do I look like, the water fairy? You need a penny? Sell your hair.
The boy walks away. Rico watches him go.
RICO
Cute little guy. (turning to Oliver) So when do you want to start?
OLIVER
Oh, forget it.
Oliver grabs up his newspaper and goes to walk away.
RICO (calling after Oliver)
But Oliver, you have to! (Oliver turns back) If I don't, then I'll have to face my girlfriend, tell her I can't afford my half of the car, I'm a complete loser, and...oh-oh-oh, wait. That's not me. That's you!
OLIVER (leaning closely to Rico)
You're despicable.
RICO
Welcome aboard.
Oliver and Rico shake hands.
***
Lilly is in the living room at the Stewart's house, wearing an apron as she wipes away at a plant.
LILLY
Who's the cleanest plant in Malibu? You are. Yes you are.
As she finishes wiping the plant, it lets off a tingly shine. Miley enters through the front door before Robby, taking off her blonde Hannah Montana wig. She and her father stare, jaws dropped, at the house before them.
ROBBY
Whoa.
MILEY
Oh my gosh!
The kitchen shines. The guitars resting on the piano shine. And finally, a vase of flowers shine.
MILEY
Lilly, this place looks amazing.
LILLY
It's okay?
ROBBY
Are you kidding me? (picks up a guitar and inhales) Lula. She smells so lemony-fresh.
MILEY
And the couch doesn't smell so...(sniffs the couch) "Jacksony" ripe. Lilly, I love you!
Miley goes over and gives her friend a hug.
LILLY
Oh, well, I'm just doing my job. Oh, uh, Mr Stewart, I hope you don't mind, when I cleaned your bathroom I reorganized all your hair products in order of application from a pre-rinse, to shampoo, to volumizi...
ROBBY (interrupting)
Volumizing mousse? Oh, yes! (resumes normality) Ladies, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go shampoo now.
Robby walks off upstairs.
MILEY
You know, I gotta' admit. I was a little worried about the whole thing, but it's working out perfectly.
Miley throws some of her items onto the couch. Lilly gives an annoyed chuckle.
MILEY
What?
LILLY
U-uh, it's just that, things looked so nice and then the purse and the scarf and...n-n-no, it's fine. You know, it's your house. You should be comfortable.
MILEY
Cool.
Miley sits down on the couch. Lilly watches and fretting chuckle.
MILEY
Now what?
LILLY
Well, it's just um, you know, the cushions were plumped and...no, you know, it's fine! I'll just clean it all over again on Thursday.
MILEY
What happened to I should be comfortable?
LILLY
You're right. I'll stop. (pause) Let me just get those Hannah-hairs before they wind up on my clean rug.
Lilly wipes down Miley's arm, picking up excess pieces of hair from the Hannah-wig.
MILEY (sarcastic)
Yeah. That would be tragic.
LILLY
Oh, yes.
***
That night, Lilly is sitting on the couch wiping at the cushion seats as Miley comes over with a bowl of popcorn. She also places a plate of donuts on the coffee table.
MILEY
Movie time!
LILLY
Yay!
Miley turns the TV on and the beginning music of the movie starts to play. She takes a handful of popcorn. Lilly reaches into the bowl to take some popcorn, but withdraws.
LILLY
Oh, butter.
MILEY (impersonating Lilly)
"Oh, butter" what?
LILLY
Well, it's just, you know...butter. It's a stain waiting to happen. A grease stain. Oh, they're the worst. (Miley crunches on the popcorn some more and gives Lilly a look) And I don't care.
MILEY
Good girl.
Miley gets some more popcorn, accidently dropping some down the couch. Lilly gets out her notepad and starts jotting down.
LILLY (to herself as she writes)
Leave extra time to scrub couch and close a just-washed (???).
MILEY
Fine. I won't eat the popcorn.
Miley puts the popcorn back down on the coffee table. Lilly gazes at Miley as she grabs up a donut. As Miley goes to eat the donut, she holds a hand under her chin to catch any crumbs. Lilly puts her hands under Miley's, to catch any crumbs that fall through.
MILEY (with a mouthful)
Happy?
Miley rubs her hand on the cushion. Lilly gasps. Miley then wipes her hand on her shirt. Lilly gasps again.
MILEY (with a mouthful)
This isn't working.
Miley rubs her hands on her hair.
LILLY
Well, maybe if you ate in the kitchen like a person?
MILEY
Look, although you are an (???) housekeeper, maybe dad was right. Maybe you working for us, I dunno', kinda' strange.
LILLY
Oh, not for me.
MILEY
Really?
LILLY
Really.
MILEY
Really?!
LILLY
Well, unless you have a problem with it, because I mean, I totally need this job.
MILEY
No, uh, it's not me, it's um...(long pause)...it's my dad. He's actually just not as happy as you may think.
A male voice screams from upstairs.
***
It's a miracle. Jackson's room is tip-top clean, and Robby is squatting down on the floor with joy in his eyes when Lilly and Miley run in.
ROBBY
Bless you, Lilly.
MILEY (as apposed to her statement downstairs)
He is way happier.
***
ROBBY
I mean, look at this! I forgot he even had a floor. And this chair. (looking at a wooden chair) I thought we lost it in the move!
LILLY
Yeah, I didn't even see it at first either. I mean, it was buried under pizza so old there were mushrooms growing out of the mushrooms.
ROBBY
Lilly Truscott, I'm giving you a raise.
LILLY (gasps excitedly)
Thank you, Mr Stewart! New car, here I come. (to Miley) Isn't that great, Miley?
MILEY (sarcastic)
Super!
The girls clap. Jackson arrives, and is horrified when he sets eyes on the clean state his room is in. He falls back against the door.
JACKSON
My room?!!
LILLY
Oh, you're welcome.
JACKSON
For what? It's horrible! (pointing to a corner near the bed) Where's my petrified sweat-sock sculpture? Where's mashed-potato mountain? Where's...
Jackson goes to the other side and passes the chair that Robby is squatting beside.
JACKSON
Hey, I thought we lost that chair in the move.
ROBBY (to Lilly)
Hey, you got any advice for getting the burnt crusty-pork off my barbeque?
LILLY
Too late.
ROBBY
You didn't!
LILLY
I did!
MILEY (under her breath)
Yeah, she probably even dusted the charcoal.
LILLY (to Robby)
I even dusted the charcoal. Come see!
Lilly leads the way before Robby out the door.
ROBBY
I'm getting my camera.
LILLY
I cleaned the lens.
ROBBY
You didn't!
LILLY
I did!
Lilly and Robby disappear out the door. Jackson is over at his chest of draws. He opens a drawer and pulls out some socks.
JACKSON
Socks in drawers?! (looking in his cupboard) Shirts on hangers?! It's madness! I can't live like this! (phantom-like voice) That neat-freak has to go.
MILEY
You know, I normally wouldn't say this, but... you're right. (clutches her throat) Ow! That actually hurt. But, I mean – she does need a job.
JACKSON
So just... get her her old job back.
MILEY
Yeah, like I could...(considers the idea) Actually, Jackson – that's a great idea. (clutches her throat again) Ow! Two in a row.
***
Down on the beach, at Rico's, Oliver places a food order on the counter for a waiting customer.
OLIVER
Here you go, and thank you for choosing Rico's.
As the customer walks off, he places a coin in the tip jar. Oliver rings a bell hanging over his head.
OLIVER (calling)
Three cheers for the generous tipper! Hip-hip...
BEACH POPULATION
Heyo!
OLIVER
Hip-hip... (!)
BEACH POPULATION
Heyo!
OLIVER
Hip-hip... (!)
Rico has sneaked up behind.
RICO
What are you doing?
OLIVER
Oh, we're uh... we're cheering on the tipper, it's a crowd pleaser. Watch this. (calling out) Hip-hip... (!)
BEACH POPULATION
Heyo!
Oliver chuckles and claps, turning back to the blank-faced Rico.
OLIVER
You see that?
RICO
Okay, first – I own the exclusive North-American rights to the "heyo". Second – why are you happy? You're not supposed to be happy! You work for me.
OLIVER
Well, you know what? It's not so bad.
Oliver jumps the counter and goes to clean up a table. Rico follows.
OLIVER
I mean, I'm on the beach all day, everyone's friendly.
He picks up a food box and turns back to Rico.
OLIVER
And every hour I'm working for you, I'm an hour closer to getting my new car.
Oliver crosses Rico. Rico points at Oliver with a dark expression on his face.
RICO
I don't like your attitude, mister. Jackson was miserable every minute he was here, and I loved it. Oh, seeing his pain was like waking up on Christmas morning to find all those presents under the tree.
Rico grabs Oliver by the shirt, and drags him down to the ground.
RICO (demanding)
Where are my presents?!!!! I want my presents!!!!
Oliver releases himself from Rico's grip.
OLIVER
I don't know! Sorry to disappoint you, man, but I like this job.
RICO (pointing at Oliver)
Oh, we'll see about that. Because I will have my Christmas morning. (turning away as he cackles) Wahahahahahahahahaha! (pointing back at Oliver) I own that too.
***
Later on, Oliver is standing up on a ladder wiping down the roof of the shack. Rico is down on the ground ordering him around.
RICO
Oh, you missed some bird poop over there.
OLIVER
Oh, cool. Hey thanks Rico.
Oliver whistles as he continues brushing down.
RICO
Oh, come on! What can you possibly like about this?
OLIVER
Uh, well, I can see Lilly cleaning the Stewart's house from here. (waving) Hey Lilly! (pause) Oh, she saw me! She saw me!
RICO (impersonating Oliver's love struck tone)
Oh, she saw me!
OLIVER
She did, she's right there.
RICO
I was mocking you!
OLIVER
I know. And you're cute when you're mad.
RICO (sternly pointing)
Well I'm about to get adorable.
***
Oliver comes down onto the beach dressed in a penguin suit.
OLIVER (singing in a tune of Twinkle-Twinkle)
# Come to Rico's for good food
It will brighten up your mood.
And if you think that I'm a fool
Please tell everyone at school.
Oliver chuckles and claps his penguin arms together, much to Rico's annoyance.
RICO
Why are you still happy? You're dressed like a penguin. You're sweating like a pig. You should be miserable.
OLIVER
Miserable? Dude, I just lost the last three pounds I needed to get in my skinny jeans. (to the beach population) Now when I say foxy, you say penguin! Foxy!
BEACH POPULATION
Penguin!
OLIVER
Foxy!
BEACH POPULATION
Penguin!
RICO
Stop it!
Rico goes and sits down at a table and buries his face in his hands.
OLIVER (a few moments later)
Foxy… (!)
BEACH POPULATION
Penguin!
OLIVER (more confident)
Foxy!
BEACH POPULATION
Penguin!
OLIVER
Foxy!
BEACH POPULATION
Penguin!
Rico bangs his head on the table as the noise continues.
***
At the Smiling Sub shop, Dwight hands a customer a tray with a sub on it.
DWIGHT
Enjoy your meal.
The customer turns and goes to sit at a table. Jackson, with a black suit and a black wig on, enters with a trouble-stirring look on his face. He changes the sign on the door from open to closed.
DWIGHT
Uh, excuse me sir. Uh, what are you doing?
Jackson speaks with a stammered country accent.
JACKSON (approaching the customer)
Sorry pal, this shop is closed.
Jackson takes the sub from the man's tray and places it on the nearest table. He flashes a money note in the customer's face.
JACKSON (pushing the customer to the door)
Here. Why don't you go next door and get yourself a-a nice soup, in a sourdough bowl? And uh, if you hear any screaming and emanating from this establishment, just eat your soup.
Jackson indicates for the customer to leave. Dwight walks over.
DWIGHT
Hey! That was my...
JACKSON (interrupting)
Bup-bup-bup-bup.
DWIGHT
But I...
JACKSON (interrupting)
Bup-bup.
DWIGHT
I just...
JACKSON (interrupting)
Bup. (opens the door and calls out) Yo Adrian, we're good to go.
Miley, wearing leather stylish clothes with her hair puffed up, walks in. She too speaks in a stylised country accent.
MILEY
Thanks, Fredo. (turning to Dwight) Hello, Dwight. How you doin'?
DWIGHT
Do I know you?
MILEY
No, but I know you's. You are the deeply confused young man who mistakenly fired my little girl. (turning to Jackson) Fredo, help our little friend sit down.
Jackson gets a seat for Dwight.
DWIGHT
You're Lilly Truscott's mom?
Jackson holds Dwight down onto the seat. Miley sits opposite him, back to front on the chair.
MILEY
Incorrect, my friend. I'm her godmother.
JACKSON (leaning over Miley)
Bum-bum-bum.
MILEY (to Jackson)
Not yet!
JACKSON
Are you sure? That just felt like the right place to throw it in there...
MILEY
Fredo!
JACKSON
Sorry, boss.
Jackson walks away with his hands in the air.
MILEY (to Dwight)
He's one layer short of a lasagne if you know what I'm saying.
DWIGHT (laughing)
Hahahahaha, lasagne, that's...
MILEY
That wasn't a joke!
DWIGHT
Sorry. (swallows)
MILEY
Do I amuse you? Do you...do you think of me as some kind of clown?
DWIGHT (whimpering)
Please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me, please don't hurt me.
MILEY
Relax, Dwight. There's no need to get hurt here. All you's gotta do, is call Lilly and offer her her job back.
DWIGHT
But I'm not sure I can do that.
MILEY
Listen, I got a question for you's. Are you fond of your kneecaps? (Dwight nods, Miley is speaking to Jackson here forth) I said, are you fond of your kneecaps?!
All this has happened while Jackson has helped himself to the customer's sub. He is standing behind Dwight at the table where he left it.
JACKSON (with a mouthful)
Sorry. Bum-bum-bum.
MILEY (to Dwight)
My sister's kid. What are you gonna do? So, what's it gonna be? Lilly here, or you taking a little walk of freedom?
DWIGHT
Lilly?
MILEY
Good kid. (taps Dwight on the cheek) Now, you go call that girl, and make her an offer that she can't refuse. And remember's. (shaking Dwight's head) We were never here.
JACKSON (leaning in)
Never.
DWIGHT
Okay.
Dwight jumps to his feet and runs into his office. Miley and Jackson resume their normal voices. Miley holds out a fist for Jackson.
MILEY
Bada-bing.
JACKSON (fisting back)
Bada-boom.
Lilly arrives.
LILLY
Miley?
JACKSON
Bada-busted.
LILLY
What are you guys doing here?
MILEY (lying)
Just getting a sandwich.
LILLY
Dressed like that?
MILEY
Uh, I just came back from my uh, uh...
JACKSON (interrupting)
Uh, uh...video shoot.
MILEY
Yeah, yeah. For my new single. Called, uh...
JACKSON
Uh...Mobster Mama. Yeah, it's super cool. You should hear it. (to Miley) Why don't you sing her a little bit?
Miley gives Jackson a glare.
MILEY
# I'm a Mobster Mama
JACKSON
# She's mean, she's tough, she's a Mobster Mama
MILEY
# Don't make me get rough
'Cause I can do my stuff
...Like Julie-Anne Huff.
Jackson starts beating. Miley starts crazily dancing.
LILLY
Miley?
Jackson stops beating on Lilly's look.
MILEY
Fine.
Miley pulls up a chair at a table nearby.
MILEY
The truth is...dad was right. Having you work for us was a little ookey, and we were just trying to get your job back.
LILLY
You're kidding?! I came down here to get my job back because I felt the same way.
Lilly sits down opposite Miley at the table.
LILLY/MILEY (to each other at the same time)
Why didn't you tell me?! I didn't want to hurt you. Really? Ooohhhh.
Jackson comes and puts an arm around Miley and Lilly.
JACKSON
This is so sweet, it reminds me of my favourite episode of My Name is Hearl.
LILLY (standing)
Well, I guess I better go try and get my job back.
MILEY
Oh, nope. That's already taken care of. And, I think you're even getting a raise.
LILLY
Really?
MILEY (calling out with her accent)
Yo, Dwight! And I think you should give the girl a raise.
DWIGHT (VO)
Yes, godmother.
Jackson gets out his phone and starts typing in some digits.
MILEY
Good boy.
LILLY
Thank you, Miley! (gives Miley a hug) Oh, you know what? I better call your dad.
JACKSON
I'm already on it.
Jackson has his mobile raised to his ear by now.
MILEY
Yeah, and I'm sure he'll be fine. He's a big boy, he can take care of himself.
***
Robby is at home on the couch, with the phone to his ears. He's struggling to cope with the news.
ROBBY
No, Jackson, no! She can't do this to me! Please, please please please please!
Robby starts to sook and rests his head on the pillow.
ROBBY (sniffing the pillow)
And it smelled so fresh!
***
Down on the beach, Rico is fiddling around on a table, bored. Oliver waddles over in his penguin suit.
OLIVER (singing)
# Come on dude, it's not so bad
Just 'cause you can't make me mad.
Jump in Rico, sing along
Join me in my joyful...
RICO (interrupting)
Enough! You win. Your happiness has broken me. Now get out of my sight. (Oliver turns away) Go back to your stupid girlfriend.
Oliver stops in his tracks. He turns back to Rico, who's finally managed to flare him.
OLIVER (mad)
What did you call Lilly?
RICO
Stupid. (realizes Oliver is angry) A dumb, pathetic, (girl voice) squeaky-voice (normal voice) loser!
OLIVER
Nobody talks about my Lillypop like that!
Oliver starts waddling towards Rico.
OLIVER
Come here!
Oliver can't catch Rico in his suit.
RICO (teasingly walking away from Oliver)
Dopey. Stinky. Whiny.
Rico continues walking away. Oliver struggles to follow while trapped in his suit.
OLIVER
When I get my hands on you... (!)
RICO
Yes!! I'm being chased by an angry penguin employee! (to the beach population) Merry Christmas everyone!
Rico walks down onto the beach entrance and Oliver topples down after him. A group of people gather around to watch as the next thing heard on screen is a scream from Rico's voice. Oliver has fallen on top of him.
Hannah Montana © Walt Disney. No infringement is intended through the transcription of this episode originally written by Douglas Lieblein.
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