As she finishes the verse, she sits back down opposite Mickey.
MACK
Wow, not even in the shower do I sound that good.
MICKEY
It's true, it's true. My dressing room is right next to his. Trust me, he sounds like a cat getting his back waxed.
MACK
She's right, I do. I'm super, super, WAA!
Mickey pitches at her ear.
HANNAH
Oh, if I were you little baby I wouldn't want to come out now.
MACK
You're pregnant? I thought it was just to many trips to the snack table. We have a frozen yoghurt machine out there, she doesn't even use a bowl.
MICKEY
I don't, I really don't. It just goes straight down the shoot! (laughs; then turns to the audience seriously) But seriously. Pregnancy has taught me that good nutrition is no laughing matter. Which is why I'm going to have a healthy carrot right now. And so is everyone in the audience. Look under your chairs! You get a carrot! You get a carrot! You get a carrot.
The audience look under their chairs and bring up their carrots amazed at what they have been given.
HANNAH
Seriously? The last show I was on everyone ... got a car.
MACK
Yeah, but on Mack and Mickey you get rabbit food!
MICKEY
Yeah. We're just a cable show.
A stagehand comes over with a tray of carrots for Mack and Mickey. The two of them take one and turn back to Hannah.
MICKEY
Oh, don't worry Hannah, we didn't leave you out. Enjoy.
The stagehand offers her a carrot.
HANNAH
Oh, no thank you. I don't like carrots. I don't really like anything with the word 'rot' in it. Could you imagine eating you know chicken 'rot' pie or spaghetti and 'rot' balls? I'm just saying.
MACK
You don't like carrots?
MICKEY
(referring to her pregnancy) He can hear you!
MACK
Oh you don't like C.A.R.R.O ... (turns away; unable to spell it) A....carr-art?
MICKEY
Come on! It's good for you.
HANNAH
No, sorry. If this girls eating an orange snack, it will be candy corn.
MACK
(still struggling to spell it) Carrot ... it's not a K, is it?
HANNAH
Maybe we should get Mack a pen and paper.
MICKEY
Wouldn't help.
They smile at the camera.
***
Later on outside Rico's Shack. Miley and Lily walk up from the beach onto the area outside the counter.
LILY
Next time you go on the show, see if you can convince Mickey to name the baby Lily. How cute would that be? (she makes baby noises to a fake 'Lily' baby in the air) I'm done.
The two of them walk over to the counter and take seats.
MILEY
Good. Because she's having a boy and she'll probably have to name it Bob so Mack has a chance at spelling it.
Nearby a mother and a daughter are sitting a table with food from Rico's Shack. The mother is offering her daughter a carrot.
DAUGHTER
Mommy, I don't like carrots.
LILY
(to Miley) Hey, just like you.
MOTHER
You loved carrots yesterday.
DAUGHTER
If Hannah Montana won't eat carrots, I won't eat carrots. I'll eat candy corn.
LILY
Wow...what a nice little role model you are.
MILEY
Okay, that's just one kid. It's not like Hannah started the great 'carrot revolution'.
Timely a radio DJ can be heard from a nearby radio.
RADIO DJ (V/O)
In other news, Hannah Montana starts the great carrot revolution.
MILEY
Faceless radio reporter say what!
RADIO DJ (V/O)
Her rampage on Mack and Mickey has sent shock waves through the carrot industry! As kids across America ditch the healthy snack for Candy Corn!
A group of kids walk past hassling their mother for 'candy corn'.
KIDS
We want candy corn! We want candy corn! We want candy corn! We want candy corn!
Lily gives Miley a look.
MILEY
Don't look at me. Hannah said it.
***
OPENING CREDITS
starring MILEY CYRUS
EMILY OSMENT
MITCHELL MUSSO
JASON EARLES
MOISES ARIAS
and BILLY RAY CYRUS
"HANNAH MONTANA"
***
That night Miley is standing in the kitchen staring and talking to a carrot.
MILEY
I try so hard to stay out of trouble. I don't party with crazy celebrities. I don't use bad language. And then you walked into my life. You crunchy little creep!
ROBBY
Mile, there's only one way to pay him back for what he did to you. (holds up chefs knife) Chop him! Chop him dead!
MILEY
Dad, I'm being serious! Kid's all over America aren't eating carrots and it's all your fault. (she disposes of the carrot down the sink)
ROBBY
My fault!? Mile, you've hated carrots ever since you was a baby.
MILEY
And that is your excuse? A responsible parent would've shoved it right into my toothless little mouth. But, no! You had to roll over and give me cream spinach! (the two stare at each other) What kind of father are you?!
ROBBY
Hey, now just because the rest of the country's overreacting, doesn't mean you have to.
MILEY
I am not overreacting! In fact, I just thought of a rational intelligent solution to fix this whole 'carrot' situation.
***
Back in the Mack and Mickey in the Morning studio -- backstage Hannah is dressed in a carrot suit with Robby guised as her manager.
ROBBY
Are you telling me this is your rational intelligent solution?
MILEY
Well this is as good as it gets when the brain forms without carrots.
She walks onstage.
***
In her carrot suit Hannah performs a mixed version of "Super Girl" with the qualities of a carrot employed.
HANNAH
Everybody's crunching me I clear you skin and help you see! I'm super super! I'm super super carrot.
The audience applaud.
***
Jackson Oliver and Rico are standing around the counter at Rico's surf shack checking out the girls on the beach.
OLIVER
Aye!
RICO
Aye 'I' Aye!
JACKSON
Aye I' Aye Aye! Back off boys and let the master of cool show you how to make a first impression.
As Jackson jumps from his position behind the counter he stumbles and falls. Getting himself back up he looks over to see that the girl didn't watch him fall.
JACKSON
She didn't see! Still in the game!
OLIVER
Not when she gets a load of smokin Okin! Watch this! (he starts to walk over to the girl)
JACKSON
In your dreams my friend! (offended; Oliver turns back)
OLIVER
I saw her first!
JACKSON
I'm older!
OLIVER
I'm taller!
JACKSON / OLIVER
I'm cuter!
The two of them 'tut' at each other following this remark.
RICO
I'll tell you what you both are. Not that guy. (as Rico points the two of them look over and see the cute girl hug another boy) Face it. When you got it you got it. And when you don't...you're you guys.
JACKSON
Oh, I got it!
OLIVER
Yeah, so do I! (pause) But my mom made me take an oatmeal bath, and she doesn't want me to sweat out on my first day.
Photographer Liza (last seen in season one's "Smells like Teen Sellout") appears and walks over to them.
LIZA
(approaching Jackson and Oliver) You are...PERFECT! (she spins their heads a couple of times) I have been looking for IT all day and you two have got IT!
OLIVER
Yeah, but I just took an oatmeal bath and ...
Before he can finish Jackson nudges him in the stomach.
JACKSON
You were saying?
LIZA
I need two models and you two lucky ducks fit the bill. Ha ha ha! Get it? Duck? Bill?
JACKSON
If we laugh do we get the job?
LIZA
Yes.
The two of them burst out into fake laughter as Liza turns to walk away.
JACKSON
(through laughter) Stop it! It hurts!
RICO
Wait a minute! You want them to be models? For what? Hockey masks? And even then...they're still the ice lids. You see some of them!
LIZA
Actually, I'm doing an ad for a dating service called "Dream Match", and I want to use you two to show girls the kind of hot guys just waiting to meet them.
JACKSON
And I can't wait to meet the girls who can't wait to meet me. Jackson Stewart. (shakes hands with Liza) Hot guy. Tsss!
LIZA
Ohh! Hahaha.
Oliver walks over to the counter and reaches for his soda.
OLIVER
And me, Oliver Oiken. Other cute guy.
As he reaches for the drink and places it to his mouth the straw goes up his nose.
OLIVER
Oh! Argh!
Jackson looks on in annoyance at Oliver.
***
Back at the Mack and Mickey in the Morning Show studio the three of them (Hannah dressed in a carrot suit) are sitting on seats on the stage.
MICKEY
And we're back with Hannah Montana.
Hannah holds up a carrot she is holding.
MICKEY
Oh, and she looks so cute I could just dip her in ranch dressing and eat her right up!
MACK
Trust me, she could. Lunch truck came by yesterday, just the tyres drove off.
HANNAH
Just the tyres?! (laughs and taps Mickey on the shoulder with a carrot)
MICKEY
I know!
HANNAH
(turns to audience) But seriously. I just want to tell all the kids out there that Hannah Montana thinks carrots are great. And, from now on -- (she takes a bite out of her carrot and it stays in between her teeth) I'll eat them everyday! Mmm, mmm, good.
MICKEY
Oh, and so true about them being good for your eyes.
MACK
And how?! I put down half a carrot cake last night and finished the final Harry Potter book. Can you believe that ending?
MICKEY (clutching her stomach)
Ssshhh! We're still reading book four.
MACK
Really? Those books are enormous. No wonder you're so big. (turns to audience) No wonder she's so big! Yeahh!
MICKEY
So, Hannah - have you read the Harry Potter's?
HANNAH
You know what? I like waiting for the movies. I mean, with my busy schedule, who has time for reading? But I'll always make time for carrot eating.
She turns to the audience and chews on her carrot again.
***
At Miley's house Lily and Miley are sitting on the couch watching the afternoon news.
NEWSREADER (V/O)
Now she loves carrots -- but hates books! What's next for this troubled teen?
MILEY
Oh, boy.
NEWSREADER (V/O)
All across America...children are refusing to read. Here at East Northumberland Elementary School kids have closed their story books and are saying...
CHILDREN (V/O)
Wait for the movie like Hannah!
Miley switches off the television.
MILEY
Well. On the bright side, I made a lot of carrot farmers happy.
Robby is standing in the kitchen eating a fudge ice cream - the kitchen is full of carrot trees.
ROBBY
You know, to bad you didn't say you hated fudgy buddies.
LILY
Oh, or you could've said you hated Orlanda Bloom. (dreamily exhales) Then You'd have boxes and boxes of Bloom.
MILEY
Okay, hello?! Pop star in the toilet here.
ROBBY
Oh, come on honey, I know you're worried about this but it'll all blow over.
LILY
Yeah, your Dad's right. I mean, it's not like it's some international crisis.
MILEY
Oh, really?
Miley switches on the television again.
NEWSREADER (V/O)
It's an international crisis! Kids all across the globe are waiting for the movie. In France...In Sweden ...even in China.
Lily gestures a flushing toilet in an attempt to cheer Miley up. Miley just stares back.
***
Miley is pacing around behind the couch talking on the phone to the press. Lily is on the couch.
MILEY
But you can't print that! I never said I didn't like reading. Hold on I'm getting another call. Please be one of those funny caveman trying to sell me car insurance!
LILY
You shouldn't even be talking to the press! Let me handle this. (as she walks over she takes Miley's phone) Leave Brittany Alone!
MILEY
Brittany?
LILY
Oh sorry my bad. Leave Hannah Alone!
Robby walks down.
ROBBY
Mile I just got off the phone with ... what are you yelling at me for? We're all on the same side here.
LILY
Oh I'm sorry I was just .. you know taking it ...
MILEY
It outside. (Miley pushes Lily out)
LILY
(as she walks out) Leave Hannah -- (alone)
As she walks out to the porch she gives a thumbs up.
ROBBY RAY
Hey I got some great news for you. Just talked to Mack and Mickey and they're gonna let you go back on the show tomorrow and straighten this whole mess out!
MILEY
Oh great! So I can go back and put my big mouth on television in front of millions of people! Why didn't I think of that?
ROBBY
Oh no honey. This thing ain't gonna go away till you get back out there and undo what you did when you tried to undo what you did when you did it the first time you done did it.
MILEY
But what if when I try to undo what I did when I tried to undo what I did done I do again what I did before when I tried to undo what I did?
ROBBY
If you're afraid you're gonna put your foot in your big mouth again we might need to hire a world class expert in what I like to call the 'double talking' don't you know?
Jackson walks down the stairs in his model clothes strutting like a model.
JACKSON
Hello non models!
MILEY
You don't mean ...
ROBBY
Heaven help me yes I do.
***
While Lily is outside getting the press from Hannah's back Robby and Miley are sitting in the lounge room listening to Jackson.
JACKSON
Alright let's dosy do this thing. So - (to Miley) what's your favorite color?
MILEY
That's easy. Purple.
JACKSON
No no no no! Cargo rule of double talk. Never give a straight answer. Straight answers are death.
MILEY
But it's the truth.
JACKSON
The truth is DEATH. By saying you like purple you just alienated every other color in the rainbow. You say that tomorrow and millions of little girls in pink t-shirts are gonna hate your guts.
MILEY
OK then how am I supposed to answer the question?
JACKSON
Somebody asks you a question you just give them the old ... (makes creepy gestures with his hands) razzle dazzle! Alright look Dad. Ask me something. Anything.
ROBBY
OK. Did you do your homework today son?
JACKSON
Dad. I can't tell you how good it makes me feel that you care so much about my education. You know I was actually talking about that with Max when we were shooting hoops and ... oh my gosh that reminds me! His Dad has Laker Tickets and was wondering if you wanted to go!
ROBBY
Are you kidding me! Give me his number and I'll -- (as he reaches for the phone he realizes what has happened) Whoa - he is good.
MILEY
OK let me try it again.
JACKSON
OK. So Hannah what's your favorite color?
MILEY
Oh! That's funny you should ask. You see I was actually talking about that with my friend Lola ...
JACKSON
Good start now kick it up a notch.
MILEY
... On our way to San Diego.
JACKSON
San Diego and kick it!
MILEY
In Donald Trumps Golden Blimp ...
JACKSON
Yes!
MILEY
And we were looking over the majestic pacific ...
JACKSON
Don't offend the other oceans!
MILEY
The majestic mighty waters ...
JACKSON
Nice save now take me home!
MILEY
And I just thought about how lucky I am to live in such a beautiful ... magical ... world!
JACKSON
And so the student becomes the master ... my work here is done ... yarda yarda yarda. Now if you'll excuse me I have to unleash this ... (makes a fishy kiss) on the world!
As he walks out Robby stops.
ROBBY
Hey hold on just a minute son ... did you actually finish your homework or not?
JACKSON
Come on Dad. Next year I go off to college and you're not going to be there to constantly hound me about my homework. That's something I'm going to have to do for myself and ... that's never going to happen unless you start backing off.
ROBBY
I'm sorry Jackson you're right. (Robby takes a seat next to Miley as Jackson walks out)
MILEY
Dad!
ROBBY
Oh sweet Pete he got me again!
MILEY
Well on the plus side ... he's got lawyer written all over him.
***
Outside Rico's Shack Jackson and Oliver are strutting in front of the camera that Liza is holding. They do some dance moves as well.
LIZA
That's it that's it! Now show me angry! (they show anger) Yes! Now show me ... sad! (they express sadness) I love it! Now strut! (they do this) Now show me your inner tiger! Now you're on fire so burn me baby burn me! Yes!
***
Later on outside Rico's Shack Jackson Oliver and Rico are looking at the magazine Liza's photos are in -- Jackson and Oliver have made a fool of themselves ...
OLIVER
Why settle for average?
JACKSON
When you can have a dream match?
RICO
At last. My world makes sense again. Up is up. Down is down and losers are still losers.
JACKSON
We are not losers! We're ... average.
RICO
Don't worry your (ruffles Jackson and Oliver's hair) average little heads boys. Nobody buys that magazine anyway.
OLIVER
Yeah!
JACKSON
Yeah!
OLIVER
Yeah!
JACKSON
Yeah!
Jackson and Oliver high five each other.
RICO
That's why I had this made.
Rico directs a remote at a bush opposite them; the bush falls to reveal an enlarged billboard of the poster in the magazine.
RICO
[teasing] Roar!
Jackson and Oliver look away in embarrassment as Rico walks off.
***
Back at the Mack and Mickey in the Morning studio - Hannah is sitting on the stage alongside Mack and Mickey.
HANNAH (reading from script)
So just again to be perfectly clear reading is a wonderful thing. And I Hannah Montana strongly recommend it to all my fans. And even kids who aren't my fans because reading is that important. Pick up nail polish remover and floss -- Sorry. I have to get that on the way home. I should've stopped reading but once I started it was just so darn fun! (looks down at script) the end.
The audience applaud her speech.
MACK
Well said.
Robby gives her a thumbs up from backstage.
MICKEY
You know Hannah I'm always looking for a great book, what's your favorite?
HANNAH
My favorite?
MACK
Mine is James and the Giant Peach. I just love the idea of a big peach!
MICKEY
Mack, no one cares. (turns to Hannah) So Hannah, you were saying?
HANNAH
Well you know I just ... I just love ... so many ... many ... many books! And you know what? You should see the stack of books on my bedside table. Which is a gorgeous table by the way. I got it on tour ... in Japan. Yeah, what a fascinating country. As all the countries are in this beautiful, magical world.
MICKEY
It is, it is. It is, isn't it. It's a magical world full of books. (turns to Hannah) And your favorite would be?
HANNAH
Well you know, I don't really like picking favorites. I think of books as. .. ur, kids. Little paperback bubbas of joy! So how could you expect a mother to pick her favorite?
MACK
My mom did. My brother Marvin, who grew up to be a bald unhappy pharmacist in Long Beach. Who looks good now, mom?
MICKEY
Hahahaha. Five days a week people. (gestures five to Hannah) So, Hannah why don't we take some questions from your fans in the audience?
HANNAH
Great! I love my fans. And people who aren't my fans. I love everybody in this beautiful magical world.
The audience applaud as Hannah gestures at a girl with a microphone to talk.
ISABELLE
Hi, I'm Isabelle. And I'm confused. I used to like carrots but then you said you hated them so then I hated them .. . then you said you liked them, so .. do I like them now or not?
HANNAH
Of course. Carrots are wonderful.
ISABELLE
Then why did you say you hated them? Were you lying?
HANNAH
Ar ... well, Isabelle. That question took a whole lot of courage. And speaking of courage what about that Washington crossing the Delaware? Oh, oh! That reminds me. What did Dela wear? Maybe a ... New Jersey. I dunno. I'll ask her! (the audience doesn't laugh) Like Alaska ... aha ... next question.
Another small girl in the audience stands up with a microphone.
GIRL
I used to love reading but then you said you hated it and then now you say you like it again and ... I just don't know what to do! (crying she falls into her mums lap)
HANNAH
Oh no, honey. Don't cry! Just because I don't like reading doesn't mean you don't have to.
Isabelle stands again.
ISABELLE
So you don't like reading again?
HANNAH
I didn't say that!
ISABELLE
Yes you did.
HANNAH
OK, OK what I meant was ...
GIRL
Argh! Make up your mind! You're right, Mom, celebrities are flakes. You're a flake! You're right ...
MICKEY
Seriously Hannah it is a bit confusing ... I mean this kids look up to you. You should just choose your words more carefully.
HANNAH
That's what I'm trying to do!
ISABELLE
Well you're not doing a very good job.
Hannah looks over to Robby; and he gestures for her to speak from her heart.
HANNAH
OK, listen! This is what I'm not doing. I'm not being straightforward with you guys. The truth is ... I hate carrots. I always have. I always will. Let me see a show of hands of how many of you guys actually like every single vegetable.
No one in the audience raise their hand; Mack raises his.
HANNAH
Every vegetable? (Mack nods) Brussel sprouts?
MACK
(drops hand) To be fair I didn't know that was a vegetable.
MICKEY
That's OK. That's OK.
HANNAH
(to audience) And hey. I love books and I wish I had more time for reading, but I don't. And just because I can't doesn't mean you shouldn't. I mean, if one of your friends didn't like carrots or didn't read much would that stop you from eating carrots or reading? (they all say 'no') Right. So don't do what I do just because I'm famous.
MACK
I think what Hannah's saying here is, her likes and dislikes are no more important than yours. Self worth comes from you, not from others.
Including Mickey and Hannah the audience stare at Mack like they just saw a ghost.
MACK
Well that's right, not just another pretty face people. But it is pretty, isn't it?
HANNAH
So do you guys have any more questions for me? I promise to be honest.
ISABELLE
What's your biggest secret?
HANNAH
OK, now it's time for a beautiful magical commercial!
***
Rico with a towel over his shoulder walks over to the billboard with Jackson and Oliver's humiliating photos held up.
RICO
See you tomorrow, losers.
As Rico walks off Jackson and Oliver peek their heads out of both the toilet cubicles and run towards the billboard.
JACKSON
Go, go, go!
The two of them attempt to stretch over a cover over the billboard; they struggle. Unbeknown to them Liza is behind them taking photos.
LIZA
Great!
They make their way out of the cover as Liza takes another humiliating photo of them.
LIZA
Average with just a hint of dumb! This'll be perfect for your next ad.
Jackson and Oliver walk over and confront her.
JACKSON
Next ad?
LIZA
Arvins Learning centre. Go from brainless ... to brilliant!
JACKSON
Forget it, lady. You humiliated us once and you're not going to do it again. What you call average, we call real. So maybe we don't look like that guy! Who does?
OLIVER
Well that guy does ...
Jackson nudges him in the stomach.
JACKSON
We're not going to apologize for who we are!
OLIVER
Yeah!
JACKSON
And there is nothing ...
OLIVER
Nothing!
JACKSON
In this world that would ever make us compromise our integrity EVER again.
OLIVER
Ever again!
LIZA
I'll give you each a thousand dollars.
JACKSON
So like mildly dumb or super dumb?
OLIVER
We can do it all!
The two of them pose an idiotic look as Liza takes a snap.
Hannah Montana ©
to the Walt Disney Company. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.
to the Walt Disney Company. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.
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