3x10 - Cheat It

At the red carpet of the annual teen scene awards, Nancy O'Dell is reporting live.

NANCY

Welcome back everybody to the fifteenth annual teen scene awards, I'm Nancy O'Dell and get ready for a major sugar rush ... because two of my favorite pieces of eye candy have just come down the red carpet. I am talking about the incredible Hannah Montana and her new beau country rocker Austin Rain, good to see you!

Hand in hand Hannah Montana and Austin are standing beside her.

HANNAH

Hey Nancy!

AUSTIN

Yhoa! Nanno! What up?

NANCY

You're a duet Us without You is on the hot one hundred charts and speaking of hot ... how's that little romance going? And of course you can tell me they ... are not listening right.

HANNAH

Well ... it's so easy singing a love song with the incredible hunk over here ... (pounces on him)

AUSTIN

Oh chucks! Hey this little chili filli here could make anyone look good. Check it. (steps away from Hannah) I'm a regular hunky guy -- (embraces Hannah) incredibly hunky guy!

HANNAH

Oh you! No ... us!

AUSTIN

Oh ... by Nance!

The two walk off embraced in each other.

NANCY

Oh are they not just as cute as newborn puppies! I love them!

As Hannah and Mark are away from the paparazzi crowds Hannah releases herself from him.

MARK

You were supposed to stand on my left so I could show off my better side!

HANNAH

Oh you want to show off your better side! Well you could just put a bag over your head and let your liney go all whiney.

MARK

You make me want to hurl!

HANNAH

Oh great! Aim for my eyes so I don't have to look at you!

Two photographer approach them.

PHOTOGRAPHER

Hannah Austin! Over here!

The two strut a romantic pose.

***

At school Miley and Lily are standing in the locker hallway looking at a magazine with a photo of Hannah and Mark captured on the front. Miley takes the chewing gum from her mouth and sticks it all over Mark's face.

LILY

How much longer do you have to fake date this incredibly yummy ... (Miley stares at her) dummy! Yummy gummy dummy! More gummy dummy than yummy!

MILEY

Well the publicity people want me to stay with him until the record goes double platinum but I hate the guy so much I might just buy a million copies of myself just to end the torture!

LILY

If this is torture bring on the pain! You poor thing.

The school bell rings.

LILY

Gotta go bye! (Handing the magazine to Miley she walks away in a hurry - she then turns back and grabs the magazine as she walks off again)

As Lily and the crowds are gone Miley opens her locker and puts her bag away. As she walks away she sees Jackson standing in a corner dealing secretively with someone.

MILEY

Jackson?

The stranger walks away and Jackson hides the piece of paper behind his back.

JACKSON

Hey ... Miley. You go here? We should totally carpool! See you!

As he attempts to walk off Miley blocks his way.

MILEY

Why were you giving that guy money?

JACKSON

What guy? There's no guy! I don't see any guy. Is that a new outfit? I love what it does for your eyes! Bye!

As he turns away Miley steals the piece of paper from behind his back and opens it up.

MILEY

These look like test answers.

JACKSON

(squeaky voice) What! No! They aren't test answers this is a ... (takes paper from her) it's a ... it's a ... treasure map. It's a secret treasure map! (folds the paper up) Sshh!

MILEY

(snatching paper from him) What's the treasure Captain Crook? An A on your history test?

JACKSON

Yeah like Mr. Meadows would ever believe I get an A. I'm not that stupid. I'm going for a B Plus!

MILEY

No! (starts running) No I am not going to let you do this! You know what if you cheat you're going to get expelled ... you'll never get a job ... and by the time that Daddy's in that little coot home you'll be begging to live me but I won't let you because I won't want a cheat hanging around my little Rance Junior!

JACKSON

Rance?

MILEY

In my dreams I marry a Rance, K! This is why you cannot cheat.

Jackson snatches the paper from her.

JACKSON

Watch me! I'm not throwing one hundred bucks down the toilet!

MILEY

Ohhh... good idea! (Miley snatches the paper from him and races into the girls bathroom. Jackson follows after her but bumps into a teacher)

MRS SCHABLANSKY

Where do you think you're going Mr. Stewart?

JACKSON

Oh the dress means it's the girls room! (the two start walking down the corridor together) Principals office?

MRS SCHABLANSKY

Yeah.

JACKSON

I know the way.

***

OPENING CREDITS

starring MILEY CYRUS

EMILY OSMENT

MITCHELL MUSSO

JASON EARLES

MOISES ARIAS

and BILLY-RAY CYRUS

"HANNAH MONTANA"

***

Jackson is in the Stewart kitchen when Miley struts in from the front door with attitude.

MILEY

We have some unfinished business mister! You ever try to cheat again just remember this ... I have my eyes on you!

JACKSON

Don't worry Miles I'm not going to cheat.

MILEY

I don't want to hear any of your ... (????) say what?

JACKSON

I should've never bought those answers. Cheating is stupid. And if I want to get a good grade I'm just gonna have to study for it.

MILEY

But ... no fair! I had more speech! I had the scolding finger waggle ... the righteous fist thump and then ... the disapproving (???) neck.

Miley moves her neck around in a circular fashion.

JACKSON

And I would've deserved it all. Seriously Miles. Thanks for being there for me.

As Jackson turns back to his papers Miley begins pacing suspiciously around him. Finally she gives him a hug from behind.

MILEY

I'm just so proud of you! And it feels so much better knowing that I didn't block up the only girls toilet that works for nothing.

Jeff the guy who sold Jackson the cheating papers walks in.

JEFF

Dude try not to lose this one!

Jackson frees himself from Miley and confronts him at the door.

JACKSON

Hey ... Jeff! I think you have the wrong house. (whispering as he is closer) What part of live it at Rico's didn't you get?

JEFF

Do you want it or not?

JACKSON

(peering over at Miley) No sir! I do not! Good day! I said good day! (beginning to close the door on him) Leave it in the mail box!

JEFF

What?

JACKSON

In the mailbox!

JEFF

What!

JACKSON

Leave it in the mailbox!

Jackson slams the door on him and turns back to Miley.

JACKSON

Can you believe that guy? (pause) Hey I think I'm gonna go check the mail!

MILEY

Alright now I see why you thought you had to cheat! You're unbelievably (???) day.

JACKSON

What?

MILEY

(????)

JACKSON

Excuse me?

MILEY

You are stupid!

JACKSON

Look it's just one test why do you care if I cheat anyway?

MILEY

Because I care about you! I don't why. I don't like it.

JACKSON

Look you just don't understand. This is my toughest class and if I don't get my average I'm not going to be able to go away to College ... and get away from you!

MILEY

And you think I don't want that? But you know how dishonest this is your cheating!

JACKSON

Really! Maybe we can have a discussion about dishonesty after your next fake date with that jerk who you're trying to pass off to the whole world as your boyfriend!

MILEY

(long gasp) That is not the same thing!

JACKSON

Yes it is! I'm doing whatever it takes to get into College ... you're doing whatever it takes to sell albums!

MILEY

(lost for words) But I ....

JACKSON

Don't have an answer? Well maybe you can buy one from Jeff. Not so (????) day now am I!

***

Later on Robby is in the kitchen vacuuming.

ROBBY

(singing) I vacuum the house! Dust it to shape! I'm mopping the floor I've got to get me a maid ... single dad ... sore ... my aching bones can't take no more! Whoaaa! Thank you Malibu!

He retires to the couch leg aching. He switches on the television.

ADVERTISEMENT VOICE (V/O)

Do you feel overworked and under-appreciated?

ROBBY

Yes I do!

ADVERTISEMENT VOICE (V/O)

Do you make silly old people noises when you settle into a couch?

ROBBY

No. (makes a grunting noise as a muscle breaks) Yeah.

The TV shows an old man sitting down in a sauna.

ADVERTISEMENT VOICE (V/O)

Well melt the years away with the healing powers of Senor Steam! (the sauna fills with steam and a strong young man steps out) Call today and let Senor Steamy recapture the dream!

ROBBY

Nice try but I'm not wasting my money on that garbage!

ADVERTISEMENT VOICE (V/O)

Act now and receive a complimentary Senor Steam hair (????). (Robby begins rubbing his hair) Used by hair models around the world.

ROBBY

(dialing number in phone) Well I guess one little informational phone call wouldn't hurt!

***

Robby is sitting on the couch reading the newspaper as the doorbell rings several times. Looking at his watch he gets up to answer the door.

ROBBY

Right on time Senor Steam!

Robby answers the door to reveal Rico standing at the doorstep dressed up.

RICO

Heyo!

ROBBY

You got to be kidding me!

RICO

No! I am Senor Steam. My dad bought me the company on my tenth birthday. I wanted an airline ... but no! That would spoil it.

ROBBY

I hate to say it but that little voice inside my head is telling me to close this door just as quick as I can! (he attempts to slam the door but Rico holds out his foot. Rico walks in)

RICO

Well is this the same place that told you to wear those jeans today? It ain't doing you any favors!

ROBBY

Hey Rico no offense but I'm a bit more comfortable doing business with your Dad.

RICO

Fine. Then you won't get the thirty percent friends and family discount.

ROBBY

I'm sorry but I'm not ...

RICO

Thirty five percent!

ROBBY

It's not about the money.

RICO

Forty and I'll be nice to your son at the shack.

ROBBY

Forty five and I don't care how you treat him.

They shake hands on it.

***

Humming to himself dressed in a dressing robe he walks through the fitness room and into the sauna.

SAUNA VOICE (V/O)

Welcome ... Robby Stewart. To the Senor Steam five thousand. We look forward to providing you and the ... Robby Stewart ... family with years of blissful blissful relaxation.

As the steam starts to emerge there is a clog up. Robby unhappily gets up from his happy place.

ROBBY

Dang flab it! (he kicks it)

The devious voice of Rico can be heard from the speaker.

RICO (V/O)

No refunds or returns.

***

Hannah and Austin are performing their hit together on a talk show.

COLIN

Adorable! Now we'll be back with America's newest sweethearts right after I call my wife and tell her I love her.

Colin walks off with his phone.

STAGEHAND (V/O)

And we're out!

Violently Hannah and Austin release themselves from each other.

AUSTIN

Try a breath mint next time!

HANNAH

What? You don't like stinky cheese breath! (she purposely blows her breath against him)

Hannah walks over to Lola backstage who is holding out a breath sprayer.

LOLA

Open!

Hannah opens her mouth as she approaches Lola and Lola sprays.

LOLA

Look I know he's a jerk but that song is so darn romantic!

HANNAH

I know but I was just thinking about Jackson the whole time.

LOLA

Wow that's a little weird.

HANNAH

I was talking about his cheating! Every time I tell him it's wrong he's like "you're doing the same thing with your bogus boyfriend"

LOLA

Well that's ridiculous.

HANNAH

Thank you!

LOLA

I mean Jackson's only really cheating himself. I mean ... you're lying to the entire world.

HANNAH

I liked you a whole lot more five seconds ago.

LOLA

Look I'm sorry but Jackson's got a point. I mean it's hard to take advice from someone who says one thing and does another.

HANNAH

You know what that is .... totally true! You know what you're little life lessons are getting really annoying.

Lola walks away as Hannah walks back over to the stage desk beside Austin and Collin. Colin is still chatting on the phone to his wife.

COLIN

Honey I can't say that right now! (glances at Hannah) (turns away singing) Alright fine. You're super hot you're super girl you're the girl I like a lot. You're super super wife you're super super ... I gotta go. (he hangs up and turns back to Hannah and Austin) And we're back with my favorite cutie and the lucky guy who gets to call him his 'babe'.

AUSTIN

Oh I sure am lucky Colin!

COLIN

(to Hannah) You feel the same way to don't you!

HANNAH

Colin. Words cannot describe how I feel.

COLIN

Sure they can that's what words do! So babble away and tell us the honest truth. When you look at this (???) how do you really feel?

HANNAH

Well actually Colin. I feel (releases herself from his arms) appalled! Barfy! Creeped out! Disgusted!

AUSTIN

(reattaches himself) Hannah! Baby! What are you doing?

HANNAH [releasing herself again]

Put a cork in it I'm only (???) to eat. Embarrassed. Freaked. Gaggy.

COLIN

Horrified.

HANNAH

Exactly.

COLIN

No no! I'm horrified. What happen to the love?

HANNAH

I'll tell you what happened to it. The publicity people only made us pretend that we like each other to sell our record.

AUSTIN

(covering her mouth) Millions and millions of records you little goofball you. (she bites him) She bit me! You know what! I don't need you. Alright. I'm hot! And I sing great. (???)

In style he exits flashing off his jacket.

HANNAH

Keep on walking Austin Rein! Real name ... Albert Neatermeyer!

AUSTIN (From backstage)

Hey! That's supposed to be secret!

HANNAH

Not anymore! (to Colin) Don't you just love having me on your show?

In the Stewart living room Miley and Jackson are sitting watching the talk show episode -- and Miley happily switches it off at this point.

JACKSON

Wow. I guess if you've got the guts to be that honest then I should have the guts not to cheat. (he takes the answer sheet and rips it up)

MILEY

(holding up her hand for a high five) Wait a go bro give me some!

As they shake hands Miley notices black felt pin writing on Jackson's arm.

MILEY

What is that?

JACKSON

Nothing.

MILEY

You wrote the test answers on your arms didn't you!

JACKSON

No I did not!

Miley pulls up his arm to reveal writing.

JACKSON

That's a ... weird looking rash.

***

MILEY

I cannot believe you'd still cheat after what I did for you!

JACKSON

Hey I didn't ask you to do that!

MILEY

Yeah I should've gone straight to Dad. But no! Trying to convince you to be honest is like trying to convince Uncle Earl skinny jeans do not make him look skinny IF you're fat!

Miley begins to walk up the stairs.

JACKSON

You're not going to go to Dad.

MILEY

Watch me.

JACKSON

You really want to go down that road?

MILEY

Absolutely. (she walks up the stairs then turns back) What road! And exactly why wouldn't I want to go down it?

JACKSON

Oh you know the road that starts with you telling Dad this about me and ends with me telling Dad everything I know about you.

MILEY

(fake laughter) OK when you say everything.

JACKSON

Everything. Past ... Present ... and future.

MILEY

Future! What kind of brother are you!

JACKSON

I guess you could consider me a traitor. Much like ... (reads from arm) Benedikt Arnold who in 1879 gave away (???) (reads from leg) to the British!

He walks off.

***

Robby is impatiently listening to Rico's voice on the phone.

RICO (V/O)

Hello and welcome to Senor Steam! If you wish to continue with our automated helpline ... press one. (Robby presses one) You pressed one! If this is correct press one!

Violently he presses one again.

ROBBY

Just get on with it!

RICO (V/O)

If you're experiencing warping in your your seater seat press one. If you're experiencing splintering in your seater seat press two. If you're experiencing dry rot in your seater seat press three.

***

By now Robby is leaning against the door to the room banging his head on the door listening to Rico's voice.

RICO (V/O)

If you're experiencing (?????) coming from your seater seat press sixty-seven!

ROBBY

I'm going to be sixty-seven before this is over!

***

He is now balancing himself on the Swiss Ball.

RICO (V/O)

For lack of steam press ninety.

ROBBY

Finally!

He dials in ninety.

RICO (V/O)

Thank you for your patience. An operator will be with you momentarily.

ROBBY

Hallelujah!

RICO (V/O)

You're estimated wait time is just three days ...

ROBBY

Three days! Three days my Aunt Bertha's backside!

He storms out.

***

He walks back in with Rico pushed in front.

ROBBY

Rico I want this thing fixed and I want it fixed now!

RICO

Alright alright! Did you try hitting the reset button?

ROBBY

What.

RICO

The reset button. It's in big red letters. On page one of your manual. (Robby looks annoyed) You read the manual right!

ROBBY

Of course I did. And I pressed the reset button ... (walks over to key pad; unsure of which button to push down) reset ... reset ... reset ....

RICO

Reset button.

Rico walks over and pushes down the reset button.

ROBBY

Oh that reset button. I must've pressed the other one.

RICO

There is no other one.

ROBBY

(softly) Leave me my pride.

RICO

What?

ROBBY

(loudly) Leave me my pride boy!

Robby walks back into the sauna room without another word.

***

The following morning Jackson is sitting in the kitchen having breakfast as Robby comes down.

ROBBY

Hey I'm just going for a quick jog. Good luck on your test.

JACKSON

What do you mean by that!

ROBBY

Nothing I'm just saying good luck.

JACKSON

Oh ... thanks.

ROBBY

You got everything covered?

JACKSON

What do you mean by that!

ROBBY

Wow son take it easy. I can see you're stressed but everything will be fine.

JACKSON

I know!

ROBBY

Well urh ... bye.

JACKSON

Bye!

Robby jogs out the door.

JACKSON

[As Robby is gone] It's so hot in here! (he rolls up his sleeves) No sweating no smudging! No sweating no smudging!

Miley walks down.

MILEY

Looseinig up some cheating skin or writing down more cheaty answers Floppy McCheater Pants.

JACKSON

Look Miley. I'm not proud of this but ... I can't risk not getting into College. I gotta go I don't want to be late for that test ... (he walks towards the door)

MILEY

Jackson ...

JACKSON

Where are my keys!

The two look over and see Jackson's keys sitting on the coffee table. They fight over each other to reach for them and Miley ends up with them.

JACKSON

Hey give me those keys!

MILEY

(deep gasp) I don't think so.

Jackson chases Miley upstairs as Lily enters through the front door.

LILY

Miley! Are you ready for school?

She looks over and sees Miley falling out the upstairs window and down outside the kitchen window. Miley runs in with Jackson's keys giggling deviously. As she reaches the kitchen bench Jackson also falls down.

JACKSON (Through the window)

Miley stop running! No sweating no sweating no sweating!

MILEY

Quick Lily! I've got a plan and need backup! (she starts to run upstairs)

LILY

[dropping her school bag] Of course you do. (follows after Miley) Why is never "sit down have some breakfast"?

As they have gone Jackson frantically runs in after them.

JACKSON

No sweating! No smudging! No sweating! No smudging! Oh great. There goes the Nineteenth Amendment! Thanks to you women are losing the right to vote!

He runs up the stairs.

Miley and Lily walk into the fitness room upstairs.

MILEY

Now when Jackson comes in close the door.

LILY

Would it kill you to throw in a please once in a while!

MILEY

Please.

LILY

Thank you.

Miley walks into the sauna room and Lily holds the door open as Jackson walks in.

JACKSON

Right where is she!

LILY

Not in there!

JACKSON

Man you're dumb!

As Jackson walks into the sauna Lily closes the door after him.

LILY

Not as dumb as you.

Miley is standing in the sauna room waiting for him.

JACKSON

Give me my keys now!

MILEY

OK!

Miley chucks his keys back and they land on the steam machine.

JACKSON

Well that was easy.

As he reaches for the keys he realizes he has been set up.

MILEY

Hit it Lily!

LILY

Hit what?

MILEY

The green button!

LILY

The green button what?

MILEY

The green button please.

LILY

Thank you!

Lily does as she is instructed and steam begins to engulf the room.

JACKSON

Oh now I'm getting out of here!

MILEY

To late! Lily locked the door. (to Lily) Kick it up!

Lily gives her a stern look.

MILEY

(impatiently) Please!

LILY

Thank you!

She does as she is told once again and by now Miley and Jackson are sweating terribly.

MILEY

It's getting hot in here. Are you working up a sweat yet?

JACKSON

No! No! My answers! (whimpering to the ground) They're melting! They're melting!

MILEY

Look. I can see you're upset. But at least now whatever grade you get on your test you know you deserve it.

He and Miley take a seat on the bench.

MILEY

Jackson.

JACKSON

Now how am I supposed to know the Brown v. Board of Education in 1954 overturned Plessy v. Ferguson? Or in 1919 the Treaty of Versailles ended the World War I? Or the FDR's New Deal created the whole bunch of programs we still use today?

MILEY

Jackson! SEOP!

JACKSON

It was all right here! And now it's all ... (points to his head) Up here! How did that happen?

MILEY

Well. Looks like writing all the answers on your body was kinda like studying.

JACKSON

I studied? Yeah! I studied! Hey look! I think I'm going to ace this test! Or ... at least B-ce it.

MILEY

Yes you can. And?

JACKSON

It feels really good to be prepared.

MILEY

Yes. And?

JACKSON

You look like a raccoon at a water park?

MILEY

You'll pay for that later. And ...

JACKSON

Thanks.

MILEY

You're welcome.

The two share a hug.

JACKSON

OK Lily you can unlock the door now!

MILEY

There's no locks in this steam room that would be totally dangerous! Dargh!

Miley opens the door.

JACKSON

You.

MILEY

I learnt from the best.

Robby walks into the fitness room to meet Lily.

ROBBY

Lily. What are you doing up here?

LILY

Argh ... nothing. Just looking for Miley.

Both a sweated mess Jackson and Miley walk through the fitness room waving at their father.

LILY

Hey look! There she is always the last place you look.

MILEY

What's up Dad?

JACKSON

Hey pop.

They walk out leaving Robby and Lily.

ROBBY

Do I want to know?

LILY

No not really.

Lily walks out after Jackson and Miley.

ROBBY

Argh ... (he turns back to the sauna) You're probably right.

***

Robby is sitting in the sauna room on the phone to his mother.

ROBBY

Yeah ma. Yeah I'm telling you this Senor Steam is the best investment I ever made. When I get in here it's like I'm the only person in the whole wide world. All those little things that tend to drive my crazy just disappear!

Rico enters.

RICO

Heyo!

ROBBY

Rico. What are you doing here!

RICO

We came for the steam.

ROBBY

Meaning?

RICO

You went for the friends and family discount.

ROBBY

Yeah.

RICO

You don't think that meant your friends and family did you? Come on in everybody! The steam is great!

A crowd of Rico's family come hurdling in and congregate around the steamer.

ROBBY

(on phone) Well mom you know what they say. Desperate times call for desperate matters.

Robby lowers the phone from his ear and a popping noise is heard. Robby has farted! Rico and his family can't race out of the sauna quick enough.

ROBBY

[raising phone to ears] Like I said mom I'm loving the steam room!

Hannah Montana © to the Walt Disney Company. This blog does not claim ownership of the reproduced transcripts provided on this blog.